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Fiance Sabotage

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Old 06-11-2012, 02:58 PM   #1
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I hate to say it but my fiance is one of the big reason's I regained the weight I had lost. Please don't get me wrong its not his fault and I don't blame him in the slightest but his eagerness to feed me incredible! Of course, I am accountable for everything I put into my body.

I know he wants to feed me out of love and wanting to nurture me, Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel a dreadful guilt saying no to him. When I do say no, he gets such a hurt look on his face and will actually start making deals with me. Deals such as "I will sweep the house for a week" " I will do the ferrets litter for 2 weeks" "Last time, please" etc, He will go on for hours about it. A quick side note is he has a little OCD and when he gets something in his head he obsesses about it so it's not completely his fault. I am also completely unaware of how to deal with it. Usually after all this I tell him to go out and get whatever he is craving for himself but only for himself. He smiles like a 2yr old boy on Christmas morning while he gathers all his things and toodles on his way. When he comes back not only has he gotten himself a gargantuan amount of food but he's got some for me to, ignoring my previous plea's to not get me anything. When I express to him that I am not hungry, he looks so upset and I give in. I know I shouldn't cave but I hate hurting his feelings.

He continues to tell me he wants to lose weight with me because he feels like a fat pig but every night its the same silly story replaying itself. I have not asked him to join me, or forced him in any way to do something he has no said he wanted to do. We have talked about it and I have clearly stated that he in no way has to do or eat what I am do and I am totally good with working out by myself. However he stays adamant that he wants to get into shape with me, he is completely confusing me! One day he tells me "You shouldn't eat like your obese because your not" and the next he is saying he wants to work out hard and get into shape... Confusing!!!

I am going to talk to him about the bringing food home for me when I have asked him not to but how do you think I should approach the situation?
Any advice would be great, thank you in advance!
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:27 PM   #2
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I mean this with the utmost respect and I don't know either of you, but your description of the situation makes him sound like a feeder!!!

How long have you been together? Do you often make food/"I wish I could eat X" the focus of your conversation? Can you get him to bring you home fruit or awesome farmer's market produce or colorful heirloom tomatoes or will only junk food do?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:31 PM   #3
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Hey you I had a similar problem, but my boyfriend is stick thin...so his issue was not understanding.

Instead of saying things in passing (which I did for months) I made a really delicious low-cal dinner..with no tv on, no video games (so he'd focus on what I was saying)...and told him "Babe, I'm serious about this. I need to change my life. I don't feel good in my own skin anymore and if I'm going to do this I -need- your support. I need you to be tough on me, and stop bringing food home from work!" (he works at a really yummy family owned burger joint. it killlsss me)

I also explained to him that I'm working on my willpower, and eventually it'll be okay to bring home delicious fried food because I'll be able to ignore it, but right now it's really hard.

I also showed him how many calories I was eating per day before, and what number I needed to be at to lose. Also showed him the number of cals in his favorite (and my favorite) snacks.

I just had to be straight forward and really explain my thinking. When you put it into numbers I think it becomes more real/easier to understand :]

Good luck! Post updates.

And if he feels like losing weight with you, tell him you can do it together! It'll be fun and easier when you two can work together.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:00 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krampus View Post
I mean this with the utmost respect and I don't know either of you, but your description of the situation makes him sound like a feeder!!!

How long have you been together? Do you often make food/"I wish I could eat X" the focus of your conversation? Can you get him to bring you home fruit or awesome farmer's market produce or colorful heirloom tomatoes or will only junk food do?
Hahaha it does sounds a little like a feeder I guess but no that is not the issue. We have been together for nearly 4yrs now. I think he has been conditioned by his family to associate food with love and caring. He is Italian and all his family does it get together and eat crappy foods, In fact I had to stop going to a lot of family events because they would be insulted when I politely declined to eat.

Maybe it is a complete lack of understanding, I will try to lay it out and be a little more direct with him.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:13 PM   #5
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Just try to explain it in detail to him what you're trying to accomplish. Tell him how even though his acts of edible love are flattering and appreciated, they are hindering your healthy habits. Give him some examples of the types of ways to show affection that you love that won't affect you either...like hugs, or coming home with flowers...something like that. And cook dinner with him! Choose some nice healthy recipes and cook with him! It's always a fun activity to do with your significant other, I do it all the time
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:37 AM   #6
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lol omg! this is my life as well. literally read the title and laughed with tears in my eyes!!! my fiance is the same way! He was for a very long time! I have been on (this) life changing journey for a year straight now. ups and downs. but my fiance seemed to be my biggest detourent as well.

in the first 6-8months he would come to me with like sad broken face saying "do you want a piece" like the poor puppy thats starving herself and suffering. lol trust me im not starving im just not eating that stuff. and of course i would cave but its like he felt so bad i couldnt have it. he would make me feel deprived. lol he is of normal weight and doesnt excercize and can literally eat the world and stay the same. so he snacks alot and by snacks i mean 6 med-large meals a day. lol lucky him but in the beginning he felt so bad for me. sh*** i did to when i watched him.

There are certain things we have worked out over the last year. the biggest one is midnight snacking. he midnight snacks 2 or 3 times a night. so now he does it in the kitchen away from me. we only see eachother on the weekends so i would sit with him while he snacks and inevitably cheat. >>>>> now he goes to the kitchen i stay watching TV or sitting outside on the back porch or just keep doing as I am. I ignore that he is eating. He will get up and still offer i say no thank you and thats it. its done.

or when he wants to go get fast food. arrgh lol he always wants it late at night and doesnt want to go all alone. lol and then feels bad i cant have any. ive finally got it in his head, "I can have as much as i want!!! I am choosing not to! and no I wont go with you!">>>>> we are still working on this one. cuz now he brings home two burgers and says have a couple bites please its ok its just a couple bites. lol THIS Boy! lol but he is getting better. i know its out of love to.

but theres other things we gotta work out and as long as you explain and stick to it firmly. To the best of your ability over time you will stick with it more. The more my fiance sees i am serious the more he understands.

Sometimes he doesnt even realize he is doing things like this. I will tell your doing it again.. I lvoe you I know you love me and want to me to be good. I am thank you. That Big Carl will not make me safe haha.


So i think its just a habbit process. I spent the first 3 1/2 yrs of our relationship scrafing alongside him. Then suddenly Bam! I eat within a calorie range and am breaking my habits. I control myself not him. So his habits will take a while to change to. i think i covered all i could think of lol what a ramble. let me know if i can help in any other way! Goodluck!
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:04 PM   #7
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I'm another one in a similar situation. When I met my now husband I was at my lowest adult weight, a few years later I had ballooned up to even higher than I am now.

He builds houses for a living, so yeah, he can literally eat a dozen donuts in a night and his body doesn't show any of it. He's been great with switching to healthier eating in the past few years. But somehow he seems to think that still includes donuts...

We decided that to keep with the healthy eating (and help our budget) we only get one take-out night. It took some time to fully commit, but now we get excited about what take-out we are going to have on Fridays, and usually we'd rather spend our take-out night on thai food (which has healthier options) than something like wendy's.
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