My relationship with food has never been ideal, for as long as I can remember I have abused it in one form or another. I have been at both ends of the spectrum, from restricting to the point of starvation to binging myself into oblivion out of a eat - repent - eat cycle. I suffer from extreme clinical depression and a severe case of generalized anxiety disorder which made my life chaotic at the best of times. However, as much as I would like to play the blame game, cover up my eyes and pretend that everything was out of my control I have finally realized that the real problem is me. No one has tied me to a chair and stuffed food into my face (other then myself of course with metaphorical rope), No one force fed me. I am my own worst enemy, I have come to the realization that the only person to blame is... well myself.
It is a disheartening realization for someone who always considered themselves on being fairly well self controlled. I have attempted and failed to lose weight countless times like most people. I do well for a week, maybe two, maybe even a month and then "one" treat turns into a full out binge that last's for weeks. A couple months ago I managed to lose 50lbs with eating right, hard work and self control. I thought I had finally found my strength, I finally succeeded at something. I am sad to announce that I have gained back 20lbs of it in the past couple months. I wish I could tell you where it all went wrong, but the truth is I don't even know what happened. To be completely honest, I can't even remember the last 20lbs - obviously the eating fest was not very enjoyable. Yet, here I am sitting at 150 again and I was still letting in continue until tonight. Why do we as people let something that upset's continue to rule our life? That's what I feel food is doing right now, it rules my thoughts, decisions and actions. I think I have come to the reason that I let it continue - I didn't want to face the fact that I felt like a failure again. I did so well, I was winning the battle and then I crashed... Hard.
A couple of days ago was my birthday, I was spending the day with my mother when the topic of weight came up. My mom looked me in the eye and said "You've packed on the pounds lately", I'll admit I was shocked. I knew I had gained weight, in fact I am fully aware of the damage my poor heating habit has done to me but for it to be laid out so..... harshly? When I left her house I got into my car, pulled out of the drive way and immediately burst into tears, how could she?! I drove up to my favorite spot, parked, sat on my food and let out everything I had been keeping bottled up for so long. My "uh huh" moment hit me so hard it nearly knocked me off the car! She didn't mean to hurt me, she just forced me to really come to terms with what I had been running away from. I HAVE gained weight, I used to be 10lbs away from goal and now I am 30lbs away, I have given up all control to whats going into my stomach and surrendered it to my cravings BUT this does NOT have to continue. I have the power to turn this all around again and I should be thankful that I didn't gain all of the weight back before I clued in. I need to stop treating my body like it is a garbage can, I have one of those and I just need to start using it.
I took the first step tonight and threw away any junk food I had in my house. My finance (who has been gaining weight to) is totally on board and actually wants to participate. I don't know if I can do it without him, He is definitely my rock. My mum said I was "doomed to a cycle of losing weight but then gaining it all back" because that is what our family does. I want to be the one to change this, this does NOT have to be my fate. I enjoyed working out every day when I was doing it, I just need to strap on my running shoes, get out the door and "re find" my stride. I am not a slave to food like I so despairingly started to believe. I know it wont happen over night, but I look forward to seeing the changes in my body.
So here I am again 3FC - Picking myself up off the ground, dusting my knee's off and carrying on.