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Old 04-16-2012, 04:11 AM   #1
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Unhappy Need advice.. Am I going to lose my friend?

So, I'm getting married in September and my family is all coming to town (I moved last year and we decided to have the wedding here instead of back home) and a couple of our friends are coming.. well.. I have this friend who my family does not get along with at all. She and I used to be really close when we were younger, then we lived together for a year in our early twenties and we had a pretty big falling out after we parted ways.. We didn't really talk or see each other much until right before I was moving away. To make a long story short, my parents are paying for the wedding and my mom gets final say on the guest list. She saw my friends name on the guest list and forbid me from inviting her (my mom has never gotten along with this person and, while I've asked why, it's never been explained to me- but my mom said if friend goes, she won't). I kinda figured it was going to happen, and I don't think she'd come out for it anyway (it's out of her price range to get here, and we can't house any more people in our apartment that week), but my mom says no invitation to her or anything. So.. that's that. I can't invite her.. and I really feel like I should be more upset about it. We used to be best friends and we used to say that when we got married we'd be each others maids of honor and whatnot.. but.. I just don't really care if she's not there. She's always been the kind to upstage people, she drunkenly admitted that she was ridiculously jealous of me for getting married before her because she thought she was a better catch than me, and I know that having her here would cause a lot of unwanted drama. Sure, I may not think she'd come, but with my luck she'd show up- and probably bring her no-good boyfriend with her.

At my engagement party my fiance, our friends, and I went out to a bar we like a lot and she drank two huge long island iced teas in about 30 minutes and spent the rest of the time on the bathroom floor. I ended up in there, sitting on the floor with her until her boyfriend came to get her, because if someone wasn't in there with her the bar was going to call the drunk-tank to come get her and put her in detox. She had a similar experience at our going away party when we moved, but she ended up having to sleep at our apartment because her boyfriend was mad that she had been gone too long and wouldn't come get her.

I had toyed with the idea of having a reception back home for all of the people who couldn't make it out for the actual wedding and just inviting her to that, but now that I really think about it, I'm not sure. Not sure that I'm actually going to have one, or that if I did I would want her to be there.

I know this is going to immensely effect what little friendship we have left, and I'm willing to explain it all to her and to try to salvage as much of our remaining friendship as I can, but.. how do I tell her she's not invited to my wedding? I did have her on the list but it's not my decision, ultimately. Not only how do I tell her, but is there any way, at all, to keep it from completely negating any friendship we still had? It's not much, but we have a lot of history and we were starting to try to rebuild our relationship. I guess I just don't know what to do. Shouldn't I feel worse about not inviting my friend to my wedding?

Am I going to completely lose this friend over this?
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Old 04-16-2012, 05:00 AM   #2
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What have you done so far to try and rebuild your relationship? Reading that, it didnt sound like there was much you wanted to salvage really! I guess if you are trying to salvage some of your relationship and its early days, perhaps you could explain that while you are trying to rebuild your relationship with her, other members of your family aren't ready to do that yet and so you have to respect their wishes at the moment?
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Old 04-16-2012, 05:45 AM   #3
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Maybe you will, maybe you won't. At the end of the day if you can't invite her you can't invite her and how she reacts to that is down to her. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't even feel the need to justify the decision to her.

From the sound of it you don't even want her there!

If you really are worried about losing her as a friend over this (though from the sound of it she doesn't rate highly as a friend!) then I would do what iconised ghost suggested and explain that while you would love to have her there your family have had the final decision.

I know you didn't ask for advice on rebuilding your friendship with her, but I'm afraid I'm going to offer some anyway because I've been in a similar situation! Sometimes when you have a lot of history with a person it feels so sad to let that all go when you have the choice to try and be friends again. What you've said suggests to me that you don't really enjoy spending time with her and that she doesn't respect you very much and isn't being on her best behaviour as you'd think she would be if you were just starting to patch things up.

When I was in a similar situation I didn't talk to my friend for several years and there was a lot of aminosity between us, and then we tried to patch things up and be best friends again and it was disasterous! In the end we just settled for being acquaintances and that feels like the best place for us- we no longer don't like each other and everything is okay between us, we'll say hello if we bump into eachother and occasionally chat. It was much more important to me that we let all the bad feelings between us go than that we were good friends again.

Obviously you haven't given the whole story here so my advice might be totally wrong for you! But to sum it up- you shouldn't feel obliged to be friends with someone because you have history with them.
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:40 AM   #4
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It doesnt sound like you value her as a "real" friend. What I mean by a real friend is someone you want around you, someone you love unconditionally even if they piss you off. It sounds like you feel that you SHOULD care but you dont care. Are you keeping her as a friend just because you have been friends for so long? People change and grow apart, its natural. Sometimes you lose friends, sometimes you realize that friends were never really friends to begin with.

Do you have a close bond with your family or your mother? I ask because, I have an extended family. I have two women who are my sisters. I love them absolutely. If i had a friend/boyfriend my sisters did not like, at all then I would wonder why, or what I may not be seeing. Sometimes family doesnt want to hurt your feelings or have you resent them so they keep reasons to themselves.

Grant it, I dont think its right for your mom to control who does or does not get to come to your wedding, it is YOUR wedding after all. I understand she is funding it, but I would feel disrespected. Just my thoughts. I hope it works out and congratulations on your big day!
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Old 04-16-2012, 07:51 AM   #5
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first off, i'd be smacking your mother upside the head: regardless if she's paying or not, NOBODY tells the bride who can and can't be there. your mother is being just as childish for saying "well, if she's going, i'm not! hmph! so there!". she's basically making you choose between her and someone else.

as for your friend, doesn't sound to me like you're friends. sounds to me like she has addiction issues that will cause a whole lot of drama that you would probably be better off without. somebody who deliberately gets so drunk that you have to drop everything you're doing to tend to her exclusively is not someone you want at your wedding OR the reception.

as for how to tell her, there's no other way than straight up: "you haven't made a good impression on my family and i didn't appreciate what happened at my engagement party."

if it was a real friendship, she'll woman up and admit the fault is hers; otherwise she'll act like a spoiled baby and won't talk to you any more in which case it's a bullet dodged. it's not like your life will cave in and collapse in a pile of rubble if she's not in it.

honestly! i thought wedding drama was supposed to be the bride's prerogative!

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Old 04-16-2012, 08:12 AM   #6
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How sad.

About your mom, she should have a say which of HER friends get invited but she definitely does not have any say over who you invite. It is your wedding after all. She may be paying for it, but unfortunately it is not her wedding. I am sorry that your mom is being a drama queen.

About your friend....maybe it is time to move on. But just be honest with her. Tell her how she has made your family feel, you can also tell her that her presence would cause huge family drama.
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:10 AM   #7
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I was concerned about your Mom's attitude, too. To say she won't come to your wedding if you invite someone she doesn't like. I really don't think she means that, I hope not. Mom is putting a lot of stress on you that is unneccessary. You should be able to invite anybody you want.Regardless of what Mom likes, she is being unfair to you. On the other hand, do you really want your friend to come ? This should be your and your fiance's decision .
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:39 AM   #8
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You have two probs.

1) Mom is playing emotional games with you. That's unfair.

2) You really don't sound like you want to BE friends with this person, but sound like a people pleaser that doesn't want to actually have a "friend break up" talk, but don't seem comfortable with a "friend fade" either.

Looking in from the outside?

I'd give mom one pass. She's mom, she's paying for a lot, and she's strung out. Weddings have that prob -- everyone gets stressy!

On the friend? Just get it over with. Tell her "Hey, thanks for coming to the engagement party! Unfortunately mom's making some guest list cuts to keep in budget. My hands are kinda tied there since she's paying for so much. Your name didn't make the list but I'm glad I you came to the other party and got to share in our joy that way. "

And let it be however it is after. How she reacts will tell you whether there's any point to investing more in there.

Some choices in life are this stinks and that stinks... which stinks the least? It's not like win-lose choices. So to me getting it over with is less stink than stressing out over it while putting off the inevitable. At least once you get it over the stink starts to clear and you don't have to dread it any more. So just tell the friend she didn't make the cut.


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Old 04-16-2012, 10:18 AM   #9
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From the sounds of it you two are FRIENEMIES not FRIENDS.

The thing about toxic people is they are drama, and theres no doubt what she did at your engagment party she'll probably do more damage at your wedding and that's not fair to you. I wouldn't even give the benefit of the doubt that she won't be that way because she will. If you don't care if she's not there then who cares. People grow apart and people move on with their lives, sometimes you have your old friends in your life and sometimes they disappear it's life. She doesn't sound like a good person to have around and she's fully admitted to you she's jealous of you and insulted you by saying she was a better catch. so cut your losses and move on. Maybe sometime after your wedding get together for coffee and explain to her what she did was uncool at your engagment party and thats the main reason why she wasn't allowed to your wedding.

I also agree with other's what your mother is doing is uncool too. Unforunately sometimes our mother's are the most childish, my mom can be and I just shake my head at her. So I feel your pain.
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:31 AM   #10
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With what you have said about her, I wonder why in the world you worry about salvaging anything--even spending the time to post this. I would put my time and energy and creating good not trying to recycle something that is meant to go to the dump.
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Old 04-16-2012, 11:01 AM   #11
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She sounds even crazier than my bridesmaids and that is saying something, trust me. You need to talk to your mom about your wedding and explain that she can offer opinions, but you have the final say. And after what she did at your engagement party I would be inclined to not have her come to the wedding, unless you wanna sit on the bathroom floor with her again. It sounds like she doesn't know her limits and doesn't care about how her actions effect other people so if you invite her you'll be risking your wedding. I'd say be honest with her about how you feel and how your family feels. She'll probably be angry, but it'll fade and if she's a true friend it won't come between you for long and if she's not a true friend then you shouldn't have her around at all, let alone at your wedding.
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:07 PM   #12
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I feel while your mom should not really have a say in who you invite, nothing you say to her is going to change her mind and she might actually get mad. While that being said, I really dont think your friend is a true friend. Or at the very least she needs some major help. I didnt hear you say anything positive about her just that a couple times shes been so drunk so fast that youve had to literally stop what you are doing and take care of her. I understand taking care of a friend in a time of need but youve said shes done this multiple time and being drunk sprawled out on a nasty bathroom floor within 30 mins of getting to the bar, idk I would even want to invite her. She might do the same thing at your wedding, and your wedding is a day where all attention should be focused on you and not you running around being worried about people. Good luck though I hope everything works out for you and Im sure you will have a beautiful wedding.
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:33 PM   #13
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Thanks everyone.. I read all of your responses and they gave me the courage to talk to both my mother and my "friend".

My mom admitted she was being childish, but she told me that the reason she doesn't want me to invite her is because she feels like "friend" will try to steal the spotlight in some way and that she would probably try to get us to let her stay at our place and drive her around and feed her.. and I thought about it for a while and I realized she's right, and all of you are right too, "friend" isn't really my friend at all anymore.

We had just barely started trying to rebuild our friendship and it kind of seems like she uses the times we talk to just insult me and try to convince me that her life is better.. so I had a talk with her (we live a thousand miles away from each other so I called her) and I explained why she wouldn't be invited to the wedding and why I came to that decision. I told her that she really made me, my fiance and my family upset when I had to spend both my going away party and my engagement party tending to her and that If she came down here it was likely going to happen again, and that if she came down here we wouldn't be able to let her stay with us, or afford to feed her or drive her around. She's pretty upset, but I was prepared for that. We haven't spoken yet, but I wrote her a letter telling her that I cherish what friendship we used to have but at this time I think that she needs to focus on making her life better for herself and I need to focus on starting my new life here, and hopefully once we're both in a place in our lives where it makes more sense we can see if being friends will work again.

Thanks for the advice everyone!
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:37 PM   #14
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perfecto!

thank goodness you didn't inherit your mother's communication skills.

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Old 04-19-2012, 05:14 PM   #15
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Good for you! One less thing to deal with now before the wedding. Rock on!

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