Meeting people, dating, ug?

[my2cats]

So long story short, I've always felt pretty insecure due to my weight. I never put much time into hair / makeup / clothes and guys have rarely been interested which caused a bit of a vicious circle.

Recently I've started feeling a lot better about my appearance, and so when I moved across country I vowed I was going to go out and BE SOCIAL. I'm late 20's and I've never been in a serious relationship. So I've forced myself to start going to different events and just start talking to random people.

Last night, I met a guy who seemed nice, smart, funny.. asked for my information and is now emailing me. And all I'm doing is freaking out (and not in the good 'oh yay he called!' kind of way). I don't know why I do this - I should be excited, right?

I can't decide if I'm freaked out because a guy is interested (if I'm even reading this right?), or because I don't know what to do since I've hardly ever done the dating thing before, or because it wasn't 'love at first sight' and I'm on the fence how much I like him (which is ridiculous since we talked for like.. an hour, hardly time to get to know someone). The whole situation just messes with my head and causes crazy anxiety.

Does anyone else have this kind of problem? I think a lot of it is my old insecurity about my appearance, and also knowledge that sometimes I'm super-awkward in social situations. I can fake it for a while and in groups get away with being quieter, but one-on-one convos with people I don't know pretty well scare me. Awkward silence alert.

I'll be sitting in my apartment thinking with dread about how/when best to respond... Pretty pathetic.


Edited - also edited to add, another thing I dislike about the situation.. is I get nervous and (I think) seem friendlier but stupider than usual. My 'natural self' is pretty laid back and (kindly) sarcastic / self-deprecating, but around new people I feel kind of vapid and overly agreeable. It's something I'm aware of but not something I've been able to control.

[shawnamadonna1013]

You sound like me. I have very similar problems. I usually find a reason to talk myself out of liking a guy. Often I'm not even sure why I do it.

Just give the guy a chance. Go out with him. Try to relax. You don't have to marry the guy. If things really don't click then move on but don't write him off just because you're scared.

[luckyme0510]

In my opinion, I think you might just like this guy

When I was young, thin, and confident (borderline conceited) I used to get crazy anxiety.... aka BUTTERFLIES! Enjoy them! One day when you've been married or in a long term relationship you'll miss them, I know I do.

Maybe you're used to feeling anxious around guys in the past because of your weight so you just always associate that feeling with insecurity, but it may just be that gut wrenching feeling I think all women get at some point when they're out in the dating world. I look back on it now with fondness, even though I remember wishing I didn't feel so nervous, but I promise you that it's better than not feeling anything at all, whats the fun in that! Good luck!

[sontaikle]

I agree with the above posters--give him a chance! You do barely know him, but the only way to get to know him is to talk/hang out with him

I sort of had something similar when I met my fiance. I threw myself out there on a whim, we hit it off and exchanged numbers. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that (although for him it was). I almost wrote him off the first time I talked to him because I thought he was younger than me! I also remember trying to talk myself out of hanging out with him until a part of my head said: "JUST GO OK? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO ANYWAY."

And then I realized I liked him. We started dating, got engaged last July and are now coming up to our 4th year anniversary. Funny how things work out sometimes :]

[my2cats]

Thanks for the advice guys... I emailed him back and we are making plans to hang out in a group this weekend which should be fairly low pressure.

I'm still not entirely sure if this is a friends thing or more, but I'm actually ok with that - I went out looking for friends since I don't know anyone in town.

I'm sure there will be more nervous, freaking-out posts as the week goes on.


Edited to add - I think part of the problem too is I still have a residual crush on a guy in the former place I left. Which I never acted on because he's in a long-term relationship, but I was pretty good friends with him for awhile - we'd just hang out and talk for hours. I need to get over that and move on, but I still find myself thinking about him.

[DesertTabby]

Oh I've suffered the same as you have. I remember one guy calling me and I freaked out when I saw the name that I literally threw the phone away from me! Talk about extreme reaction...

I do still have moments where I try to self-sabotage myself by either making excuses not to go meet new people, or not to accept new numbers/dates, etc. It did dawn on me eventually that life has to have new challenges, experiences and yes, even embarrassments - remember, that's what good stories are made of!

Making it a group outing is ideal as you may make new friends yourself, plus it helps to break the ice with him. And who knows, even if it doesn't work out with him you may hit it off with someone else in the group!

Good luck and tell us how it goes!

[MiZTaCCen]

Originally Posted by my2cats

Edited to add - I think part of the problem too is I still have a residual crush on a guy in the former place I left. Which I never acted on because he's in a long-term relationship, but I was pretty good friends with him for awhile - we'd just hang out and talk for hours. I need to get over that and move on, but I still find myself thinking about him.

I ruin my relationships because I'd rather not like someone too much, get attach and in the end get hurt...LOL Tragic, yet here I am looking for prince charming who doesn't exist because all the men that are left in the world are the handicapped ones. haha

Now with what your saying here I completely understand. If I still like someone no one else would ever get a chance because I can't let go of that person. You may want to cut contact with this guy your friends with for a while just so you can move on from your crush on him. That may help you in the end and who knows maybe this new guy will be your mr. right now! I agree give him a chance!

[kailpea]

Originally Posted by my2cats

I think part of the problem too is I still have a residual crush on a guy in the former place I left. Which I never acted on because he's in a long-term relationship, but I was pretty good friends with him for awhile - we'd just hang out and talk for hours. I need to get over that and move on, but I still find myself thinking about him.

Oh, I feel your pain. To make along painful, emotional story short. I had alot of feelings for a guy in a relationship, he became my best friend. He brokeup with his fiancee, and then we dated for about 3 months. And. . . now 2 years later, I still haven't dated anyone else and that was almost 3 years ago. =/

So I went this hockey game about a month ago with a friend and her boyfriend. The boyfriend has his buddy there, and I didn't talk to him at all. But turns out I made a bit of an impression on the guy and he has been bugging my friends about setting him up with me. Well, I just found out about all this the other night, because I am going to another Hockey game on Friday, and I am FREAKING out. I don't know how to date. I haven't been able to move past the guy from three years ago. . . even though we rarely talk anymore. On one hand I am flattered that this guy seems to like me so much, and on the other hand I find it disturbing.

But here is what I think: I think you should go out with this new guy. Have fun. And maybe he isn't the one for you, but at least it gets you out of that same ol' same ol' cycle. And hopefully it will help you move on. =) I know it's hard because I need to do that too.

[my2cats]

Oy, that is too familiar kailpea.. I have moved cross-country so I don't see the guy anymore but we exchange emails maybe once a week. He's been in a relationship about 5 years, engaged half of that, and his fiancee is a nice, friendly woman who I think he is happy with, so the whole thing is incredibly off limits. I'd like to remain friends with him but I think the distance will definitely help me get over it as he's never been the most communicative guy over email. I'm honestly not sure if he has any clue I like him or not either as I've been pretty careful - though I do tend to fall asleep on him when we're out drinking (/facepalm).

I will be hanging out with the new guy most of the day Saturday doing volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity and ending with dinner and drinks with the team. I suppose we'll see how attractive I look after 8 hours of manual labor. We've exchanged a couple emails and I think it'll be a good time - and "worst case" I end up making some friends most likely.

[misspear2012]

hey girlie, I know this sounds like hackneyed advice but just relax. I'm very similar in situations with guys because I'm so busy trying to assign significance to our interaction that things stop flowing as naturally. That being said, if you're on the fence with this guy, give him a few more chances and if there's STILL no spark then move on. Maybe I'm just picky but I'm 22 and I've only felt that 'thing', that emotional intimacy, twice. Trust me, when there's something special about that other person, you'll know. Good luck!

[my2cats]

I think that's good advice misspear I actually went out with a different Meetup group tonight and had a great time - and hit it off with another random guy, though more as a friend thing. But we had a lot in common and enjoyed poking fun at each other - one of the other meetup members who was new too thought the two of us were "best friends" and was shocked when she heard it was my first meetup with them.

It helped me chill out because I'm meeting people / making friends in different groups.

This is all very odd for me as I've never been a social butterfly.. but I'm basically just forcing myself to go out and each time I do I'm having a good time so the next time seems a little easier.. I kind of regret I waited till I was 28 to do this? lol. But I think it would have been a different story even a few mos ago because I wouldn't have had the confidence. C'est la vie. Better late than never.

[Kay7jay]

so.. How did it go??

[katylil]

I was the same. My housemate gave me the best remedy ever: keep doing it. Talk to the guy, see where it goes. But keep going out. Keep meeting people. Go on as many first dates as you can til you get the hang of it and start to feel comfortable around the opposite sex.

Practise makes perfect etc etc but it really works.

I went on about 10 first and second dates over a period of 2 years. I met guys, I chatted to them, I realised what I wanted from a guy/relationship and what I didn't want. I realised important things about myself that helped me make decisions about my future. And when I finally met my boyfriend, I could recognise the spark between us for what it was, and appreciate all his amazing qualities all the more

Have fun, be social, learn from the experiences and move on if it doesn't feel right. Because with a bit of time and a bit of effort you'll find someone right for you. But you need to know what that is first!

[my2cats]

To follow up - he seems like a really nice guy but I'm just not feeling it. We don't seem to have much to talk about. I've kind of faded in and out answering his emails because I'm not sure what to respond and I don't really want to hang out 1 on 1. And we don't have any shared interests it seems so it's hard to find things we'd both want to do.

I keep questioning if I'm being an idiot because I think he is a genuinely nice, great guy, but I just don't feel that interested? He has done nothing wrong and I feel like I'm being shallow somehow (but it's not his looks as I think he's an attractive guy, so I really don't know). I would be happy to be friends with him and just get to know him over time but that's hard since we don't seem to have much in common or have a common group of friends we could just hang out with informally.

I met another guy as part of a group I hang out with now and then and I think we're hitting it off. We have plenty to talk about and can make each other laugh, and he gave me his number last night (and seemed kind of shy about it which was funny since he had seemed pretty self-assured all night). We have a lot of similar interests and he's pretty much a socially-competent nerd (which is great, I consider myself a pretty big gamer/nerd).

I wasn't sure if it was just a fluke the first time we hung out but we had another great conversation the second time we hung out and there definitely seems to be an.. energy? (sounds so cliche). We were with a large group of friends so I wasn't sitting near him at first, but as soon as some people left he came and sat at my end of the table, and we chatted for the rest of the evening.

This is all very weird having guys interested. I weigh the same as I did in college but my self-confidence is so much higher now . It still feels a little bit unreal and I have no idea what I'm doing. Typically after I have a great night out I get home and am super excited / happy but then I start overanalyzing and by the next day I'm kind of freaked out and wanting to go back to just spending all my time alone in my apt with my computer. Oy lol.

[spaghetticat]

Confidence is sexy, and girl trust and BELIEVE looks are so not everything. I was recently dating a body builder, and he was SOO stupid. He was a really nice guy, I so wanted to like him, he was very nice, but dear lord, it was like talking to a 4 year old, with less interesting stories. Sounds like you are flourishing Enjoy yourself!