Boyfriend Trouble =S

Riestrella · 01-01-2012, 07:16 AM

Hey everyone, I know there's an area for these types of whiney threads but I really respect everyone's opinion here on the 20 something board so I would really appreciate some advice.

A quick summary of my relationship with the bf: we've known each other 10 years, we've been going out for 2 years, he's American but moved to England to go to my Uni (which is when we started going out) but now he's back in America and I'm still in England. We've been apart for 6 months now, I'm visiting him next month.

So the problem is that recently he's been quite stressed out with his job. He's a waiter at a restaurant, and it's just a temporary saving money to do better things type job. But I can't help but feel he's taking me for granted, because he doesn't talk to me online, he never initiates plans to call me on Skype and recently his emails have been brief and just lacking emotion.

I'm not dense, I know it's due to his situation and not me, but I can't help but feel let down that he's not really coming to me to make him feel better and, honestly, not paying me much attention. Being away for so long is hard, but now I'm just fed up with emails and I want to talk to him directly but I want HIM to arrange it for a change. 99% of our Skype calls in the last 6 months have been arranged by me.

I just don't know how to react. I don't want to say "You're not making the effort" because he freaks out when I say things like that and I don't want to stress him out even more. A part of me wants to just stop emailing him to see how he reacts...which is currently what I'm doing because I don't want to snap at him and make him feel bad.

If we were together in person, this wouldn't be an issue - but because of the distance situations like this are harder because there's a big time difference so we can't catch each other unless we arrange it. I'm quite stubborn, and again, I want him to do the arranging for a change - I guess I just don't know how to say it.

We've had problems in the past where I was struggling with depression/self confidence issues, and I would say "make more effort" when he was, but I just couldn't see it. Now I'm completely fine, and if I do mention effort he gets really defensive because of the past. I tell him it's unfair to me, but it still hits a button and he freaks out.

I know I might seem childish not talking to him, but it's not because I'm mad at him I just know my emotions; I know that I'll end up saying something I regret. I'm no good in these situations.

MissGuided · 01-01-2012, 11:20 AM

I'm no relationship expert, so I will only speak from experience.

A few years back, during the peak of the economic downfall, my boyfriend was laid off from his job. It tore him up inside. As cliche as it may sound, it is a man thing. It's much more to them than it would be for us women. But don't ever think it is you! Please trust me when I say that.

We all have needs, I know this. I am not saying to put yours to the side, but realize that the affection you seek right now will come into place once he feels stable enough with what he has going on.

Don't ever lose sight that you two are a team. His issues are yours and vice versa. Instead of focusing on what you need him to do for you, do for him in return. Be there. He may not see the support you are giving right away [men are weird in this aspect], but he will be most grateful once he does.

Good luck girl. I wish you the best. You don't have to take my advice. I am simply just pointing out what worked for us.

Riestrella · 01-01-2012, 12:22 PM

MissGuided - Thank you so much for your advice, I was worried no one would respond to this! You're absolutely right, he is going through a tough time and he needs help. I guess it's difficult to be there for him when we're 7 hours apart and can't catch each other to sit down and talk properly. Thanks again for your advice, it's really helped.

FatToFitWife · 01-01-2012, 12:48 PM

Hi

I'm new here and don't know much about you or your relationahip, but from what you say ... He soubss stressed and overwhelmed. Sometimes men just deal with stress differently and I'm sure its not you at all, but just the situation. Try to relax & try to stay positive ... When you see him, you'll get a better feeling for things I'm sure. Relationship troubles are never easy, but youll get through it

DivineFidelity · 01-01-2012, 01:04 PM

Riestrella, i am so sorry to hear about whats going on! I completely understand though. I was in a long distance relationship for a couple years. I lived in texas and he lived in california. I only saw him a couple of times.....and there were definitely times where if i didnt call him we didnt talk at all. It was mostly because of his life getting so hectic...i dont think it had anything to do with me. In my situation i just told him how i felt about it and made it very clear that if it kept up we wouldnt last much longer...and he did much better after that. In your case though maybe you should try and be patient a little longer, and then tell him face to face how you have been feeling. It seems to me most guys take things like that a lot more seriously when you talk about it in person...so maybe that way you could convince him you really mean what you say and you just arent seeing much effort on his part to keep things going anymore. Maybe you should even keep track of when you talk to him and who initiated it between now and then for some physical evidence to support you...and to help bring down his defenses (hopefully)...

Idk. Whatever you choose to do, i hope it all works out. I wish you both the best of luck, and a happy new year!

RunsForChocolate · 01-01-2012, 06:05 PM

Hey girl,

Long distance relationships can be so hard emotionally. I've been in two- my first one for 6 years on and off in different states, and then I dated (and got engaged to and then broke up with) a French man living in France (I live by Chicago). So I feel your pain. Like someone mentioned before, men take their financial situation VERY seriously. If they're not secure in their career/salary/where life is headed professionally, they have a really hard time giving you the attention you need. I know this is hard, but maybe you can let him know how supportive you are of him and understanding of his situation. I don't know how healthy your communication is, but these issues can get ugly really quickly on the phone, even when both parties have good intentions. Maybe you can talk about it when you see him? It's very important that you feel happy, healthy, and confident in this relationship so you really should talk about it sooner than later. Probably using mostly "I" language and not blaming him for things, because then he will get defensive

Who knows, maybe he doesn't really understand what you need and he just requires a little jolt back to reality.
Communication was a huge reason my first relationship didn't work, so I learned a lot from it. I really hope you two are able to clear this up! Good luck!!!!

Riestrella · 01-02-2012, 05:19 AM

Hey everyone! Thank you all so much for your advice, I took on board everything you all said and it really helped.

I asked him last night if we could talk on Skype to see if he wanted to talk about anything, and it turns out he's not stressed at all with his job he's actually doing fine. So that really bugged me at first, because there I was trying to avoid talking about myself to protect him! We ended up talking about things, I told him I think he's not making as much effort trying to talk to me one on one (Skype or IM) and I'm fed up with emails feeling like diaries rather than the two of us talking to each other.

He got really quiet (something I hate!) and eventually said that the distance makes it really hard to feel like it's real. At first I got defensive, but then I realised what he meant. I told him I wanted to be apart of his life, for him to make time for me in his life not just to send emails to when it suits him. He said he would make more of an effort and he would make things work.

Since we've been apart a lot has changed for each of us, we've both got our own lives and interests without the other person - I guess it just started to feel like we weren't in a relationship any more we were just good friends emailing each other. Distance can be so tricky when there's a time difference! We did distance in the UK when he lived here, but we could text and call each other and it felt like there was we both had more of a presence in the others life. We also got to visit each other every month or every other month. But now it's just back and forth emails just talking about our days the connection between us seemed to fade a bit.

But I'm really happy we talked, I got a lot off my chest and he understands. Whenever I bring up a problem he completely shuts down, he's usually an intelligent quick thinking guy but as soon as it's emotional all of a sudden it apparently "drains" him of all his life. That bugs me! Sometimes I think if he were to just act alive we would get things solved quicker! It took at least 1 hour to clear things up! But hey ho, just something I have to deal with I suppose ;p.

Thanks again for all your help, guys!