Emotional toll of being overweight in one's early 20's

jeminijad · 01-30-2012, 10:16 PM

When I read the title of this thread, I thought that it meant something different.

Being heavy in my 20s has been something of a downer, because the societal acceptance for chub seems to start with middle age. There is the expressions "middle aged spread," and of course the expectation that you'll be trim until you have kids, and all of the articles online that talk about putting on weight after menopause. Very little about young women who are supposed to be in the most attractive phase of their lives.

But I am not familiar with 'scenes,' really. I've always known that few women can work with their hands as I can, or have the breath of interest in learning that I do, or can read and synthesize, create food, and just generally bring what I bring. So I've never had a problem dating men that I'm attracted to.

All in all, I think you should step back and look at where you want to be in 20 years, and start building that person.

jessica2231 · 01-31-2012, 09:04 AM

i know how you feel love. it can be tough. and you can get into a place where your always feeling down about yourself. but you must love yourself for who you are. have confidence and you'll see a difference. I love the saying fake it till you make it. it was so true for me with confidence.

also i met my fiance when i was 255 and he loves me for exactly who i am. He has never said anything about my weight. at first when i decided i was "really" gonna do this, he was a little nervous sayign i dont want you to change who you are. i love you how you are. but he also said if it makes you happy then do it. of course he loves it who wouldnt lol. but my point is im glad i met him at my highest weight i know he loves me for me not what im going to look like.

and those boys are obviously not worth it. i know it may sound harsh. but even if when you lose your weight and they start giving you attention, will that really make you feel better? for me it wouldnt i would know they truly only care whats on the surface and thats not an ideal lifelong partner for me.

Love to love yourself and others will see the love also.

hope this helps in some way.

itsjustmagic · 01-31-2012, 05:26 PM

"Makes me feel like a Rottweiler who is jealous of a chiuaua who gets to ride in a purse. can anyone sympathize?"

I cannot tell you how much I understand how you feel in that statement.

Jessyjay · 01-31-2012, 10:00 PM

I was actually so relieved when i read your post just to know that someone feels similar to me. I too love the metal scene and will go with my guy friends to their shows and support them and everything. I'm 23 and have always had weight issues. It gets so frustrating when you see these tiny girls in half a shirt and their butt cheecks hangin out of a skirt and they have all the male attention. What keeps me saine is reminding myself that those women don't attract men for who they are, it's about appearence and in the rock world, shallow men are all too frequent. But it's more important to have a guy like you for who you are because those are the relationships that last. Love is more than skin deep and if that guy you like can't appreciate that about you then he doesn't deserve you. Just remember it's quality vs quantity

Kahokkuri · 01-31-2012, 10:59 PM

I'm 23, I've always been tall and I've almost always been fatter than average, especially compared to most of my friends who are particularly short and thin (most are 5'3" – 5'5" while I'm 5'9").

One of my issues with guys, and also a self-esteem issue in general, was my inability to see my own self-worth when standing next to those girls, physically or metaphorically. Like you, I was uncomfortable in certain social situations because my smaller friends were treated worlds differently than I was.

It wasn't until very recently when I started flirting with someone online–of all the nerdy things!–that I was able to see myself differently. I've been losing weight for about a year now, but it wasn't until I started talking to someone who was interested in my personality and, ahem, other assets, that I began to see that it really doesn't matter what I look like but how I feel. He made me feel interesting, smart and sexy, and it flipped a switch. Suddenly in my regular life I was able to feel confident even when hanging out with my smaller friends. The change in strangers' attitude towards me was immediate and positive!

I don't want to make it sound like my self-worth is based on what some stranger on the Internet thinks of me, but talking to this guy has been a low-pressure way to get to know someone and, very accidentally, build my own confidence. As someone who feels a lot of negative pressure when out on the town, getting to know someone online has been great.

The "fake confidence until you are confident" schtick never worked for me, and I don't think most people are capable of flipping a switch that allows them to act much differently to normal, but I do think that if you have a switch-flipping moment like mine, you should embrace it. I hope any of this makes sense to someone besides me!

shellofself · 02-01-2012, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sontaikle

Your weight can only hold you back if you let it. Please learn to love yourself as you are, you are totally worth it!

You can meet decent men at any size and many men are attracted to confident women of any size. If they are turned off simply because you're not thin, then you are hanging around the wrong guys.

I'm 23, but I spent the majority of my life overweight. I had a blast in college and graduate school and met my fiancee—all while at my starting weight! I've seen SO MANY confident plus size women with men fawning over them because of who they were and I've seen thin women who couldn't find a decent guy.

You said it! I met my fiancée while I was overweight (180-185). The man of your dreams or, at the very least, a guy worth crushing on, will be into you regardless what size of pants you wear. While we can all have shallow moments, id hate to be thin, and fall for someone who only dates thin gals & can't see past appearance ... Which actually happened to me when I was thin. The jerk said, "I don't date fat chicks." Somehow I don't think I've missed out

KrazieStarz · 02-01-2012, 07:13 PM

Its true, you should want to be healthy, lose weight and whatnot for yourself..not for anybody else, but for yourself..but at the same time..it is true that people most of the time go for looks..if someone had to choose between someone overweight and someone slim, to have a conversation, a date or whatever.. they will most likely go towards the slim one..its cruel..but unfortunately most people are like that..not all..but most..

ValRock · 02-01-2012, 07:17 PM

I am so sorry... I've totally been there and it blows!!!

Use it as motivation. I'm living back in my home town and I love running into old 'guy friends' who never gave me the time of day in HS because of my weight

.

You WILL get there!!! Keep on trucking girlfriend!

LOVE yourself no matter what... because you deserve that!

my2cats · 02-01-2012, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kahokkuri

I'm 23, I've always been tall and I've almost always been fatter than average, especially compared to most of my friends who are particularly short and thin (most are 5'3" – 5'5" while I'm 5'9").

One of my issues with guys, and also a self-esteem issue in general, was my inability to see my own self-worth when standing next to those girls, physically or metaphorically. Like you, I was uncomfortable in certain social situations because my smaller friends were treated worlds differently than I was.

It wasn't until very recently when I started flirting with someone online–of all the nerdy things!–that I was able to see myself differently. I've been losing weight for about a year now, but it wasn't until I started talking to someone who was interested in my personality and, ahem, other assets, that I began to see that it really doesn't matter what I look like but how I feel. He made me feel interesting, smart and sexy, and it flipped a switch. Suddenly in my regular life I was able to feel confident even when hanging out with my smaller friends. The change in strangers' attitude towards me was immediate and positive!

I don't want to make it sound like my self-worth is based on what some stranger on the Internet thinks of me, but talking to this guy has been a low-pressure way to get to know someone and, very accidentally, build my own confidence. As someone who feels a lot of negative pressure when out on the town, getting to know someone online has been great.

The "fake confidence until you are confident" schtick never worked for me, and I don't think most people are capable of flipping a switch that allows them to act much differently to normal, but I do think that if you have a switch-flipping moment like mine, you should embrace it. I hope any of this makes sense to someone besides me!

I think I completely get where you're coming from, something similar happened to me - IRL - and the guy and I are just friends (he's in a relationship) but we completely clicked - being around him I felt like a smarter / funnier / happier person. We were able to just talk for hours and have a great time doing it. I was able to take that and translate it into other relationships. Even now that I've moved I'm 80% of the time a lot more confident, open, and relaxed than I used to be and I've had a much easier time meeting new people than in the past.

It's a little weird but now I'm looking for a guy that makes me feel like a better person. Seems completely cliche and I always thought that was a 'romantic fantasy'.. but it actually happens.

Ramra · 02-01-2012, 08:36 PM

Being a high school student surrounded by teeny tiny girls, I definitely understand how you all feel. Having been very large at one point, I felt completely ignored. Always present to my surroundings, but never apart of it, you know? People, in general, seem to have warmed up to me over time, but I can't help but feel a tinge of resentment. Where were all these people and their kind gestures +95 lbs ago?

rj923 · 02-03-2012, 04:44 PM

I'm 24 and have always been overweight. In my younger years I lacked all confidence and never received any attention (aside from negative) from guys at school. I had a lot of guy friends, but that's all it ever amounted to. In college I started online dating to broaden my options. I met a few guys that were into me, but after meeting a few times things didn't work out. It was at that point I realized that I didn't need a guy to be happy and my confidence increased dramatically. I may have been the fat friend, but I called it out before anyone else could. About 3 years ago I met my boyfriend online and at first he was hesitant about my weight. After awhile he got over it and got to know me for me, which in turn led to us meeting and dating. Now after 3 years we are happily living together and planning for a future together. What's strange is that after 3 years he not only accepts my body but loves it.

Long story short-hang in there, be yourself, love your body, and be patient...there are good guys out there!

misspear2012 · 02-07-2012, 04:13 PM

I was a joke amongst the boys in middle school, even the gorgeous, blond football player I was in lurv with (don't tweens just SUCK?) Anyways, I shot up about 6 inches and got into sports so I was still chubby but I wasn't a ball of unmolded cookie dough. Highschool was much better for the most part until I started dating one jerk who often made disparaging comments about my appearance compared to other girls. Needless to say my self-esteem plummeted and I avoided all dating until a new relationship just happened a few months ago. This guy wasn't the best looking and an old roommate called him the poster boy for 'manorexia' but his personality and sweet ways were an eye-opener. He had his own way of letting me know my body was wonderful and beautiful

even at my heaviest and even though we didn't work out he restored some faith in myself and I find myself happy even though I'm single. He reminded me how important it is to relax, enjoy life and just be you. People gravitate to a bright smile and good attitude no matter what you look like. I know its hard but have faith and just be you and you'll find plenty of dapper gents who think you're the bees-knees.

Nadya · 02-07-2012, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mescelestus

can anyone sympathize?

Oooooh yeah. When I was thin, I got more attention. Not a huge amount, I'm not a showy person by nature but that says to me that the issue isn't that I'm shy so much as it is what I weigh. It's not like I sought those guys out, the one actually approached me while he was working a cashier shift at a local gas station! (cute, too!) That stopped happening when I began putting weight on. It stings, especially since I'm really emotionally attached to someone who I think would be more interested if I looked better. I know that's horrible but the thought is still there. I could be entirely wrong but I can't help the way I feel. My self-esteem has taken a dive but it gets better the closer I get to being healthy.