I am 24 years old and have been overweight since I was about 12, I met my now husband when I was 20, and 196lbs. We had 2 children, the first passed away at 3 days old and I climbed up to 253lbs, I spent over a year comforting my feelings with food but he loves me none the less, I am not your typical early twenty year old but what I am hoping is that my reply will give you the hope you need that the right man will come along and see the twinkle in your eyes rather than the fat on your thighs, someone who sees what you are and loves you with all his heart. and those skinny girls in bars, you can be like that one day if that is what you want. Just set your mind to it, try not to think of how you are now but how you will be. x
I know how you feel. I had a lot of guy friends but none were ever interested in me. I was safe for them because they weren't attracted to me. I was the good friend, the listener and advice giver. Being a few years away from 30 I feel as though I missed out on my youth due to my weight and insecurities.
Sontaikle-I would never claim to be deviod of issues totally...I got some issues, and I'm working on them with a therapist. Happily, I am a lot better socially and emotionally than I was even a few months ago. That's why I am now able to continue my weight loss. Also I would not judge someone solely on apperance, but romantically it does factor in...and you do typically see someone before you get to know them. However I will talk to anyone who wants my attention and is nice. I try and treat every one with reverence, I'm a great listener and I do my best to show people that I care about them. You are absolutely right about the needle in the haystack thing; and while it is frustrating and upsetting at times, the search for that needle is a wild ride!
Cfan-I dated the same person from when I was 13 to when I was 20, and he dominated my life during that time...so it made it that much harder for me to enter the dating scene as an adult. I've had similar experiences to the one you described at the club...that type of thing REALLY upsets me. I had a vaugely similar thing happen to me this past friday. But I guess you're right that I have more options being in NYC.
Dietdawn-I do hope that for myself too! It does make me hopeful to hear that...thanks for sharing. And it's not so much that I'd like to be like the skinny girls in the bars, but I would like to sit on laps and be able to be carried around and play in that manner. It wasnt until about two weeks ago that I realized with hard work I can be like that one day. Thank you for reinforcing that!
BeachKitty-I do not want to feel like I missed out on my youth, but I very much feel the threat. I'm trying to rectify that the best way I can.
Ange120-I generally do feel good about myself, and I do feel sexy when I go out, but my weight often does make me feel like I am not on the same playing field. And I would be happier with myself at a lower weight, so I'm working on it. I could definitely be a little more vivacious if I felt I was the best I can be. That's important.
Tiffany0809-You are absolutely right. I do the majority of my hanging in brooklyn in the williamsburg/greenpoint area...I definitly have a "crew" so its not a matter of finding where I fit in...its more I wish I was appreciated more as a female among the 100 or so guys I see on a weekly basis. Older guys love me (like in their 40's and 50's) that weirds me out...although I'd love a guy in his early 30's. However this : "Plus you have to keep in mind that sometimes guys are just blind to what's happening around them and they are insecure as well. Girls who are all over them are the easy target, and they are more confident that they will "score" with those girls. The ones who are more of a challenge are intimidating and they run the risk of getting rejected!" Blew mind mind, you are probably right, I never entirely thought about it from that angle before.
Last edited by mescelestus; 12-28-2011 at 02:04 PM.
I know how you feel. I had a lot of guy friends but none were ever interested in me. I was safe for them because they weren't attracted to me. I was the good friend, the listener and advice giver. Being a few years away from 30 I feel as though I missed out on my youth due to my weight and insecurities.
At 23, I'm not quite 30 BUT I definitely feel this way about highschool. I lost a lot of weight senior year and right before going away to school where I lost more weight. I was bigger than I am now 8th grade-middle of senior year and I often think about this when my little sister goes to parties, goes on dates, or goes shopping. At that age, I was around a 16 but did not shop in plus-size stores so I ended up buying what fits. Not what I liked. I often wonder what I would have been like if I had had the "normal" high school experience, rather than running home and studying right after practices. This is probably silly because I've graduated from undergrad and have moved into the law school thing but a part of me is jealous of her. Silly, I know. I suppose we go through certain things and can learn and grow from them. I should have learned from my past before I got up to 180 but its better here than if I'd continued unchecked.
mescelestus, I know how you feel. I'm out in California and pretty much everyone is skinny and super beautiful and when I see them, I feel like a huge outcast. The night scene wasn't fantastic because it seemed like everyone wanted super skinny ditzy girls. It was really hard to find someone but with a bit of luck, I have found a man (boy) who I really care about and who thinks I'm beautiful.
Last edited by glittergation; 12-28-2011 at 03:43 PM.
You know I've seen the title of this thread for a few days now, and at first I thought "meh, not really." But the more I've thought about it - yes, there has been a major emotional toll that I've experienced being overweight this young.
My confidence was the biggest concern, since there was none of it to be seen before I started losing weight. I would demean myself, compare myself to other girls, feel uncomfortable in group situations if there were thinner girls than me, I would shy away from physical activities with friends for fear I would slow people down or embarrass myself...that's a lot to deal with when I should have been "in my prime." I think at University I could have made a lot more friends or made so much more of an effort with the ones I had if only I had been confident to do so - and honestly not so lazy. I would hide away in my room saying I needed to do work...but I was only doing what any other student was and procrastinating. I should have been out socialising if I wasn't going to do work, but I just didn't want to make the effort.
My relationship with my boyfriend, who I've known for 9 years and been dating for 2 years, suffered from my lack of confidence due to my weight. I would question his feelings for me, whether or not he was attracted to me, wonder if he was secretly looking at other girls thinking "I wish she looked more like her" - the works. I was awful, it was stressful on me to be constantly paranoid, and it was painful for him to experience me doubting his love for me. He stayed true to his word and always made sure I felt loved and attractive to him, and I know some girls say to their boyfriends "Would you still love me if I gained 50 lbs?" - well I know for sure the answer from him is yes because he has seen me gain a lot of weight and still loved me just as much.
I've finally taken control of my weight problem, and for the first time in 11 years, I feel confident with how I look. I look at pictures of myself from last year at my highest weight and I'm shocked at how different I look. Now I feel like I look fine, yeah I'm not at goal weight and technically I'm still overweight, but I know that I'm still going and I'm more than halfway there I just need to keep going. Because of the faith and the confidence I have in myself and my ability to lose weight I feel a new burst of life. I actually enjoy shopping now, I actually style my hair because I want to look nice, I don't doubt my boyfriends feelings for me, I no longer feel paranoid or afraid of social situations, I LOVE going to meet people and going to social events. Sometimes (in my own head) I feel a bit cocky!
I think the important thing is to take control of your life, your health and your future if you're overweight and unhappy. I've never felt more alive than I do now. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the younger me and just give her one massive slap around the face, because life is too short to remain down on yourself if you want to change.
mescelestus i completely understand what you mean about new york. I used to live in NYC when I was in school. I feel a lot of people there are image obsessed. Image can mean a lot even outside of the fashion industry. It was hard for me to not feel like I was at my best, I agree with you about wanting to be at your best.
mescelestus i completely understand what you mean about new york. I used to live in NYC when I was in school. I feel a lot of people there are image obsessed. Image can mean a lot even outside of the fashion industry. It was hard for me to not feel like I was at my best, I agree with you about wanting to be at your best.
I forgot to respond to your original question -- I'm in my late 20's and yes being overweight in my early 20's was not fun and I had to develop some thick skin because of it. I never felt like I was treated like my age when I was a teen or in my early 20's because I felt everyone viewed me as just fat and nothing more. I moved on from thinking negatively and I feel like I came out a better wiser person because of it. I had to learn to really come to terms with who I was and had to learn to start loving myself and made some of the greatest friends because I focused on just being true to myself and to those around me. I feel though when it comes to guys you should focus on making this journey on reaching your best and being your best for yourself because the right guy that deserves you will come regardless of where you are in the weight loss journey. One thing I have realized from when I was younger is that I used to look at weight loss as the one stop solution for so many things in my life but then I realized that weight loss is really just a journey and that it was up to me to try to change things in my life.
My 20's were dramatic, depressing, hormonal, and irrational. They were mostly filled with eating disorders, self-depracating thought, and bad men. At least the first half of my 20's.
I'm so much more calm and confident in who I am, simply as time goes by. Things aren't always so dramatic. I have more patience. I found a really good person to be paired with who doesn't toy with my emotions.
In my opinion, going through your 20's is just as hard, if not harder, than going through your teenage years. And being overweight and in your 20's (which I also was), intensified everything.
We all know its emotionally taxing to be overweight, especially as a female, at anytime during one's life. BUT I'm having the hardest time ever this year. I'm 22 and now that I can hang out in bars, the game is much more difficult. I hang out in nyc's heavy metal scene, (that's what I like), I can't help but think the people in it generally are more shallow. Yes, I hang out with a lot of guys in bands, and what can you expect from them? But they are all late 20's early 30's and I hoped that they would be more mature than their 22 year old counter parts. WELL...I feel like I'm treated like a boy. All the slender vivacious ahem scantily clad girls get the attention and affection (that's a euphemism) of my talented, handsome guy "friends" one of which I have a pretty serious "crush" on. It hurts to, weekend after weekend, sit in the same bar watching new slim girls come and go and get all the attention and phone numbers. The worst thing: These girls sit on all the guys laps, and get carried around...it absolutely DESTROYS my self esteem. Makes me feel like a Rottweiler who is jealous of a chiuaua who gets to ride in a purse. can anyone sympathize?
those girls are called groupies or sidestage girls, they aren`t the type generally that marry or are in loving relationships with the band guys. there are plenty of them in our local metal scene too. last year mid febuary -35 with windchill and a blizzard and these chicks are out in dresses that dont quite cover their girl parts and 6 inch stilettos complaining to me that its cold. i get treated sometimes like a dude by the other chicks, despite being relatively straight. the guys dont necessarily treat me like a dude so much as their metal sister, they probably look at you the same way-that youre a part of the metal brotherhood and not a woman of loose character lmao sorry didnt know how else to put it. be confident and yourself and im sure youll attract the attentions of a fellow metalhead. i used to get jealous of those girls til i had very frank talks with metalhead brothers about it and they all said the same thing-those chicks are vapid and stupid and arent permenant take home to mom kinda girls and they`d much rather be with a chick that actually knows the bands name lol instead of the omg you look so hot playing that guitar! uhh i play a bass. whatever its soooo sexy! kinda girls.
Honey, I do not know if this will help or not. I will give it a try though. I just turned 21, I have a 16 month old little girl. I have never had a problem with dating and guys in general. I have always carried myself as if the little skinny chicks didn’t have anything on me. At 5foot 4 I am pretty short. So I used that to my advantage! Everybody has said its the way you carry yourself and let me just say that its the truth. Girl do not let people bring you down!! I use everything God gave me to show people that regardless what size I am I'm still beautiful! That’s how I look at it. I guess it was good enough to get my now boyfriend (who is maybe 108lbs soaking wet!) He loves me just the same. I know people talk about it because he’s tall and looks like he’s never seen a cheeseburger before and it looks like I live at Mcdonald’s lol! All at the same time it works because I think of it like this I know he’s mine, and yes he is a guy so he checks out every stick thin girl. But he also always says baby your beautiful she just has the body you will one day have!! So pretty much the point I am getting too is your beautiful and you can change your body. The skinny girls with ugly faces and a horrible personality cant change anything! So YOU have it made!!! Hope this helps!
I have always been a thick girl. In high school was the worst for me. I didn't entirely fit in [literally] with the popular crowds. But I was okay with that. 10 years later, I have more self esteem knowing that I didn't need to join the 'skinny' group of females to feel better about myself. I love myself and being accepted by anyone, much less a man, could not have made my accomplishments thus far any better.
I met my now boyfriend when I weighed at least 40-50 lbs less. I admit, the first year was a test. I knew that I was the biggest girl he has ever been with, but I also know I am the smartest, unless he lied.
My point is, when a man finds you, it will be because you stood out from the rest. He will see your inner beauty before anything else. But you have to show him that it is that which makes you who you are. Please trust me when I say that any man that is focused on your outer shell, isn't worth the effort.
As sontaikle mentioned, you have to have the confidence. Everything else will fall into place once you love yourself first!
Last edited by MissGuided; 12-31-2011 at 05:52 PM.
Hey girl! I have ALWAYS been overweight, and I have been where you are several times...I never ever got hit on growing up, and still to this day I don't...not normally. But I have always been okay with who I am and my size (I know ironic since I'm trying to lose weight...I just want to be healthy really). Learn to be happy with yourself and guys will swarm you! I found that out this summer whenever me and my ex broke up! It was the happiest I had ever been, which was funny because we didn't have a bad relationship...we just weren't right for each other. One night me and some friends went out and I had guys all over me...it was insane! Just find who you are and be happy with yourself! Trust me, there ARE guys out there. My ex was one of them and I right now I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend. Me and him met online and one thing I told him before we met was that I was overweight and if he didn't like that he could quit talking to me now. He liked that confidence about me. There is always someone out there <3
My favorite line of a song- You've gotta love yourself if you can ever love me
It's SO true. You have to love you. Be confident in you. Maybe your guy friends don't even know you're interested! That guy you have a crush on might think you are just friends.
Maybe it's a help to point out- you watch the new skinny chicks COME AND GO. You are still there watching the revolving door of women who don't mean much to the guys. and I can promise that after a fun night of being "carried around", those skinny girls don't feel very good when your guy friend doesn't call.
But then, I 100% get what you mean. I have the same exact problem. Being in my twenties in las vegas, land of the easy naked chicks, is not easy. It sucks being overlooked. It sucks not getting asked out while some random girl is on the cute guys lap. It REALLY sucks watching the guy you like fall for someone else, and you feel like if you were just a little skinnier that could have been you.
So yeah, I get it. All I can say is to keep the weight loss up. Men are very visual. You already have the friendship there, and that makes the best relationships! Just have to get the visual right too.
Last edited by Kay7jay; 01-30-2012 at 07:32 PM.
Reason: I forgot the hug at the end :)
can anyone sympathize?
