Remember that first date I was so nervous about? We broke up

oodlesofnoodles · 11-11-2011, 11:52 PM

Only together a month.. but I'm a mess.

Things were so awesome before we were dating. He pursued me, and we flirted and laughed so much. I made the mistake of reading our conversation archives today. Bad idea.

Once we became official he seemed to sort of back off. When we were together in person things were fine (although things never felt "right", couldn't pinpoint why, maybe like he didn't like me that much or something), but when we weren't I literally would never hear from him. No texts, phone calls, IMs, nothing. It was like I stopped existing once we weren't hanging out in person.

It felt weird... I've never been in a relationship like that. Usually in the beginning you can't get enough of each other and all that. It made me feel like I was clingy or expecting way too much or something. He told me all the time how pretty I am, how fun and awesome I am, and he was very sweet to me. But he also said a few things during our relationship along the lines of he thought I liked him more than he liked me, and that he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were going to grow, and whatever. Lots of mixed signals. Last night I broke it off with him because I didn't want to be stuck in a relationship where it seems like he's only kinda into me.

I know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm OK with my weight, I know I'm attractive and fun to be around and mature. But I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong. That if I'd done something different than maybe he would have liked me enough.

He has intimacy issues though. Apparently he doesn't have ANY close relationships with really anybody. My best friend thinks he just backed off once we became official because he was scared, or intimidated, or whatever. It's hard to convince myself it wasn't my fault.

Even when I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years it wasn't this bad. I really really REALLY liked this guy. We just clicked so well.... He was everything I was looking for. Whenever someone asks whats up with him I literally burst into tears, and I'm not a very weepy person normally.

Sorry for the emo post. I just want to stop crying and feeling sad. Thanks for reading.

IsobelRose22 · 11-12-2011, 03:46 AM

I'm sorry to hear that

Guys can be seriously weird.

But if he has intimacy issues and has no close relationships with any one then it definitely sounds like it is his problem and not yours.

I've dated so many guys who seemed like they were only kind of into me, it was a similar situation to yours, they'd be great when we were together in person then I'd never hear from them. I realized after this had happened a few times that it wasn't anything that I did at all. I tried changing my behavior, backed off, acted cool etc etc, and it didn't make a difference so this isn't your fault at all. If he can't see what an idiot he is for letting you go then its his loss. You will find someone amazing who appreciates what he has with you.

By the way it doesn't matter how long you were together, it sounds like this guy really affected you and you really liked him so it is ok to be upset and weepy. You can take as long as you want to get over him. But we're all here for you at 3fc

xx

bargoo · 11-12-2011, 07:20 AM

I am so sorry breaks ups are so hard. I think your friend might be right about him, sounds like he liked you but is somehow scared of getting too close.

LisaTcan · 11-12-2011, 10:14 AM

Hugs, break ups sucks xoxo
O

Alexistrophic · 11-12-2011, 10:58 AM

((((((oodlesofnoodles)))))))

wtfudge · 11-12-2011, 11:57 AM

*powerhug*

If I may ask, whatd you tell him when you broke up with him? just curious if you said, you know, "it's not me, it's you" (but nicer)

JOLINA · 11-12-2011, 12:23 PM

The sooner you end a dead-end relationship...the better.
It's no use trying to prolong a situation that is going nowhere.
Now you have more time to get over this and more time to find a new guy.

Just don't waste any time sitting around the house. No one will come knocking at the door and say "Here I am."
You have to go out to find the new guy.

Join some clubs, go to the gym, keep up with the weight loss...and let everyone you know that you are looking for someone new.

Hope everything works out for the best next time!

curlysue82 · 11-12-2011, 04:25 PM

Well done, its a massive brave step to call it.. The longer you stuck with it the more it would affect your confidence i recon... so better to get out and wait for the right man who will worship the ground you walk on., the beginning is the honeymoon stage when you can't wait to see each other.. if thats not working so well best out sooner rather then later... well done to you..

Big Hugs to you.... each day at a time.. but it will get better... fair play...

HUGS ******************

oodlesofnoodles · 11-13-2011, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wtfudge

*powerhug*

If I may ask, whatd you tell him when you broke up with him? just curious if you said, you know, "it's not me, it's you" (but nicer)

I sort of did. I was nice about it, and strayed from being insulting or accusatory. I pretty much just stated how I felt. "You make me feel like ___ and I don't feel like it's something that's going to change" and we both arrived to the same conclusion.

He was pretty cold during the entire conversation and got off the phone before I could say everything I wanted to say, so I sent an email right after giving the full story. It was a good email too, I was really level headed and gave just enough details without rambling on or sounding clingy or anything.

I think it was for the best. He's sort of socially ******ed at times and kind of emotionally immature. We went to the mall shortly before breaking up and one of the stairs on the escalator that I was on was vibrating and making this weird noise, and once we got to the top he looked at me and said "Lose some weight, fatass." I was floored that anyone would ever say something like that, especially to me knowing my weight issues, but just in general to a GIRL. Once he realized how much it upset me he was genuinely sorry and felt really bad, but if you're not aware that making a reference to a woman's weight is no-man's land, you clearly have a lot of work to do haha.

Thank you girls for the hugs and encouraging words. My coworkers and family and friends have been great in making me feel better about this. I know everything will be fine and he really isn't as good for me as I thought. Thanks <3

GobabyGoGO · 11-13-2011, 03:41 PM

It sounds like it was for the best

good call you deserve better

alabama · 11-14-2011, 06:30 PM

yeah, i'm glad you broke it off. to me, for some reason, maybe because i'm selfish myself, it seems better that it went down on your terms. i'd feel better about that than being broken up with.

i just had the same kind of situation happen, though. we hung out for like a month and got really close and stayed that same close for about another month before he was like, "i'm not really into a serious relationship. i really like you but serious relationships always go wrong and people start bickering about stupid things and i like you too much to argue with you about dumb stuff." personally i think if we would have been the pointless argue-y type we would have already started arguing. but whatever, there are worse things than being 25 and single, AMIRITE?

wtfudge · 12-14-2011, 11:39 AM

Wow, he treated you like he'd treat one of the guys. Hence... GOOD CALL! Definitely.

Time to check out the other fish in the sea?

Riestrella · 12-14-2011, 02:23 PM

Sounds like you broke it off in time and for the right reasons! Just remember WHY you broke up with him. Sometimes the idea of what you really want in a person is projected onto those who really aren't good for you. My first boyfriend played emotional games on me it felt like, one minute he'd be really communicative with me, the next he wouldn't talk to me for days. We slipped into the "friend" zone in our relationship, he had intimacy issues too - didn't even like KISSING me and the sex was just god awful. I tried to make it work for ONE YEAR but it was a mess. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was keeping it going, so be proud of yourself that you saw things clearly.

I'm sorry you're so upset, it is hard, but stay strong and keep a clear head. This is just one chapter of your life, you're about to live many many more. And seriously, only absolute douche bags say that about your weight. I would have probably kicked the guy in the nuts for saying that to me!