Anyone else experienced this?
Hi guys! I've already briefly mentioned this in the weekly chat but realized I had a lot more to say and figured I'd just start my own thread.
This past weekend, one of my really good friends set me up with a guy. I was a little wary at first because I've had some total disasters when this has happened before, but she said that she'd just invite us both over for supper or something and that it could be really casual. So I agree and turns out the guy is great. I mean he talks a lot, he's funny, nice, and hot! And he was diggin' me too! I could tell with the little things he did like sit RIGHT next to me on the couch...so close in fact that we were touching even though no one else was sitting on the couch and there was plenty of room. We had a good time, talked, watched movies, joked around....
The thing is, though, that I've been self-conscious about my weight for so long (and therefore reserved because of it), that I still have some of those reservations--even though I don't feel fat anymore. (I still want to lose but I don't look at my body in the mirror and think "ugh"...its more like "I look smaller!") I can tell that it still effects the way I act or interact maybe I should say. For instance, my friend told me that he acted like he wanted me to walk him out. I completely missed that! I mean I thought about doing it, but I second guessed myself and over-analyzed but thought "He may think its weird cause it's not my house," and "what if he doesn't want me to?" and things like that. Eventhough I could tell he liked me, I was still self-conscious. Didn't feel like I was really being me...felt more like a dork. So now, I'm playing the waiting game since I didn't walk him out where he would have a chance to ask me for my number.
And I'm completely annoyed! I've always been confident about my personality and ability to carry on interesting conversations and things like that. But even though, I feel more confident about my body now, I'm not portraying that! I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't look in the mirror and see the fat girl anymore but when it comes down to it, I still feel like it. It aggravates me! I've let my weight hold me back for so long, and I'm tired of it! My self-worth is not based on how much I weigh!
I'm ready to just be me...around everyone! Especially guys when I'm on a date!
Anyone else ever dealt with this?