I am having such a problem with my grandmother!! She constantly tells me how overweight I am and thinks it's fine to tell me that because "she loves me so she is allowed to". I am having trouble with this because it has been happeing for EVER! Of course, every week I hear about how i need to go out running, or what are you eating etc etc. I haven't told her this time about my losing weight - i know it's only 9lbs at the moment so she won't notice because I know I would hear even more about it lol. I don't know wht to do because it is really getting me down - I am doing something about this, but her continually bringing me down is really getting on my nerves!
I have never been a healthy weight and so have heard this since i can remember! My mother and sister are tiny and so this again is something that she can use to go on at me - "oh you'll never be like them, you are big boned, big framed" blah blah blah!
I'm sorry this was so long, i just needed to get it out! I know that this weekend I will probably see her and something will be said! I just don't know how much longer I can smile and say "oh you're right!" before i explode! Any one been in this sort of situation and how did you deal with it?!
Thank you for taking the time to read, if you got through it! :P
I doubt if your grandmother will change so it is up to you. Tune her out, as hard as it is , do not pay any attention to her. Let her talk and walk away., go in the other room, go outside, anything. Don't let her push your buttons.
OUCH
sorry to hear and your not alone...
I dont know your family dynamics but maybe next time she says something that hurts... you tell her.
Sometimes people just dont realize what they are doing till its shown to them clearly.
She may respond to you telling her, "I know you love me and you think your insights and advice are helpfull but in actuality I find them hurtfull and I am asking you to stop." it will prob lead to a conversation which could give you the oppertunity to reminder that you are not the pounds you weigh, your weight is no longer an acceptable topic of discushion for you and you will loose the weight when you are ready regardless of the demoralizing comments or insperation given or condecednding comments from anyone, and its time the focus of conversation.
or you could limit your exposure to the toxicity she sends your way
I wouldn't even try to "reason" or "explain." Some people just feed off knowing they got to you. Just be a wall.
It was my dad though in my case. I don't live with him, I visit my parents. One day I announced it was not up for discussion any more, I'd deal with it and it was between and and my doctor. I really just don't want to hear his expert theories on PCOS/IR/Hypothyroid/Syndrome X. I live the reality, not him.
Not 5 min into a visit and he starts and I said "Not up for discusssion. Bye! See ya next week!" And I just went home.
My mom was in the shower and never even saw me and called me up to see if I was ok. "Yep -- I'm fine. But I mean it. Not up for discussion. Bring it up, and I just go home. See ya next week."
Consider that. Be polite, but be firm. Some things you just are not going to discuss. At all. Not even to explain or reason. Just... zip. Nada. Zilch.
Try this: "Grandma, I love you and respect your opinions. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but your comments about my weight are really hurting me. I am doing the best I can and I need your support and positive comments. Whether I'm big or small, I'm still me, and I need you to love me for who I am today. Every tomorrow I will work on being a better me. Positive comments from you, whom I love so much, would really help me. Thanks for listening, Grandma. I love you!"
Hope that helps! My family drives me crazy too!!!
Sidanne
Last edited by Ruthxxx; 06-22-2011 at 05:09 AM.
Reason: illegal ticker
I agree with bargoo She's not going to change. She's probably set in her ways. Try and learn to be patient and tune her out.
One of my FAVORITE quotes. "Suck it up. Not everyone will support you. Accept that." Donna Brazile.
I have an emotionally abusive mother. From time to time she goes crazy off on me. Will say ANYTHING hurtful she can think of, in the most angry, nails on a chalk board screetching voice you can imagine. It used to make me cry, now it barely raises my heart rate.
I take everything she says bit by bit, process it and realize 95% of it isn't true. Therefore I shouldn't get upset. I just relax my body, follow my breathing, stay calm, try to walk away, and wait for it to finish.
I agree! Unfortunately, you're not going to change her. I would just try to ignore it and then look forward to the day when you can give her a big smile and say, "So you did think I could do it? Look at me now!"
I'm really sorry you have to go through that :/ I personally would not say anything to her. I would use her words as motivation to work harder and get the results I want. I know she's silly and conceited, but Tyra Banks tells all the girls on ANTM (during runway practice) to "stomp" on everyone who said they couldn't do what they're doing now. I always like to do what people tell me I can't - just to prove them wrong!
I am having such a problem with my grandmother!! She constantly tells me how overweight I am and thinks it's fine to tell me that because "she loves me so she is allowed to". I am having trouble with this because it has been happeing for EVER! Of course, every week I hear about how i need to go out running, or what are you eating etc etc. I haven't told her this time about my losing weight - i know it's only 9lbs at the moment so she won't notice because I know I would hear even more about it lol. I don't know wht to do because it is really getting me down - I am doing something about this, but her continually bringing me down is really getting on my nerves!
I have never been a healthy weight and so have heard this since i can remember! My mother and sister are tiny and so this again is something that she can use to go on at me - "oh you'll never be like them, you are big boned, big framed" blah blah blah!
I'm sorry this was so long, i just needed to get it out! I know that this weekend I will probably see her and something will be said! I just don't know how much longer I can smile and say "oh you're right!" before i explode! Any one been in this sort of situation and how did you deal with it?!
Thank you for taking the time to read, if you got through it! :P
xxxxx
Oh my goodness! I swear we must come from the same family! Honestly, have you been reading my diaries over the years?!
I got to a point where I said to myself "Why am I putting up with this?" on March 20, 2010. I left her house telling myself that was the last time I'd ever let anyone disrespect me or make me feel bad about my size/looks (or for any other reason) no matter what, and I have not seen or spoken with her since. It is good to put yourself first, to the exclusion of those who hurt you. Forget about their intentions; after all, the road to **** is often paved with good intentions. Besides, I doubt that neither your nor my grandmother can honestly say they have our best interests at heart after we've expressed our displeasure and they persist in their demeaning and hurtful speech/behavior. Does that sound like the behavior of one who loves you? Do you continually hurt the feelings of those you love, even after he/she has told you that your words/actions hurt their feelings? I doubt it. Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from that.
To further illustrate, let's say your grandma was a boyfriend, or a friend. Would you allow them to continue to hurt your feelings in the name of love? Does that even make sense to you? Remember, family is a group of PEOPLE who happen to wallow in the same bloodline and gene pool. They are just as flawed and disfunctional as any other stranger. Do not put her on a pedestal that is higher than the one upon which you place yourself.
As someone pointed out, your grandmother is not going to change. It is up to you to determine how you want to be treated and make up your mind to spend your valuable, one life on this earth with only those who speak to you and treat you with the love, kindness and respect you deserve, NO MATTER YOUR SIZE! YOU deserve that. Do what you must to ensure that you're treated that way. You will feel so much better in the end for your decision, please trust what I am telling you.
Also, how old are you? Do you really need to see her this weekend? Because if you are an adult and you don't really need to be at this event, then don't go. Instead, plan to have even more fun with your friends.
Also, perhaps you should bring an outspoken friend. Share your story with this friend and give him/her express permission to come to your defense. I did that once with an ex-boyfriend and after he came to my defense my grandma avoided me for the rest of the night (the one and only time I can remember that happening).
In addition, as soon as she starts talking, interrupt her and say "That's not true, and it's too bad you feel that way" and walk away. Even if she's talking; leave her to talk to herself. You don't have time for her to dump on you and you're worth so much more than that. Walk away even if you're eating and feel trapped at a table with her. Keep your cool and smile big and wide; perhaps even start another conversation with a more positive person right away.
Absolutely avoid any situation where you're stuck in a confined space with her and can't walk away. Do this even if it's obvious to others that you're avoiding her or "dissing" her. YOU COME FIRST. Stop being nice and be a little *****y; you'll feel better about yourself and will have more fun too.
Finally, your grandma's approval is neither desired nor required. Do not entertain her foolishness. You don't need her approval, you don't need her to love you or to be nice to you for you to be happy. You are your own unique person, and no matter your size, YOU LIKE YOURSELF (even if you don't, you're gonna smile and laugh and be happy as if you do until you do).
BTW, I don't suggest using your grandma's craziness as motivation to lose weight. You must lose it for yourself, when you're ready, and not for anyone else. Besides, in my opinion doing that will cause you to focus on what she thinks, when your focus should always be on what you think. You weren't put on this planet to look good for her or to please your grandma's aesthetic tastes.
I apologize for the dissertation but your concern/experience is personal to me because I have been through the same, and it hurt like **** at times. I feel so happy now that I keep my distance from my grandma. Go Figure (literally and figuratively). It's so much easier to lose weight when you're happy.
I can definitely relate. My grandfather used to do the same sort of thing to me. He was a very old school, tell it like it is type of guy and was never afraid to tell me just how fat he thought I was getting, in those exact words at times. He never even bothered to justify that it was coming from love or anything, he just said what he thought and that was that, and I shed a few tears/dealt with some anger in regards to it. How you want to let it affect you is up to you, I personally just figured it was how he was (about everything!) and let it go. It doesn't make it any easier but it allowed me to just think "there he goes again" and tune it out.
I would also add. People who are full of negative energy usually don't realize just how nasty they are. This is why on Dr. Phil nasty people are usually shocked to see themselves on camera. This doesn't excuse it at all. I'm just making the point that in her head she's probably a few degrees less harsh than she actually is.
Your grandmother probably justifys these comments to herself by saying it's "tough love" when in reality there is nothing loving about the behavior. She's just frustrated (probably not even with you) and criticising you is a temporary release. Know that how she's acting has nothing to do with you. If you were a thinner weight she'd probably find something else to pick you apart over.
I've lost the weight and now my mother tells me how I could use work on my nose. *shrugs* It doesn't tend to phase me anymore. I've been dealing with this since I was a child (before I ever gained weight), so I can understand what you're going through. It is really painful.
Last year, I just plain out said that it wasn't up for discussion anymore, like another poster mentioned. Surprisingly, she got much better. She still says hurtful things at times, but I just let it roll off my back. Use it for motivation! Show her that you can do this for YOU, not for anyone else!
Fassgal - You literally just described the last year of my life. In May 2010 I stormed out of my parents house and moved in with a relative. I was trying to sort out some loose ends in order to finish up my degree and my parents (particularly my mom) were less than understanding about the whole situation. I felt bad enough about being a "super-senior" then I had my mom screaming at me until I cried nearly every day. I felt so trapped and I knew if I stayed in that house I would end up killing myself. I spoke to her less than 10 times that whole year. I've now forgiven her, but I did it for me so that I don't have to be angry. She definately does not deserve it.
I'm now back home for the summer (booo), things have calmed a bit. I'm much stronger mentally/emotionally now. Her BS doesn't really affect me anymore.
Laureedee - My grandfather is the EXACT same way. Everytime I see him I get a "Whoa you're such a big girl" comment. This never really bothered me that much though. He's just from a different era, was never much for "social intelligence," and is kind of losing it. I just let it go.
Fassgal - You literally just described the last year of my life. In May 2010 I stormed out of my parents house and moved in with a relative. I was trying to sort out some loose ends in order to finish up my degree and my parents (particularly my mom) were less than understanding about the whole situation. I felt bad enough about being a "super-senior" then I had my mom screaming at me until I cried nearly every day. I felt so trapped and I knew if I stayed in that house I would end up killing myself. I spoke to her less than 10 times that whole year. I've now forgiven her, but I did it for me so that I don't have to be angry. She definately does not deserve it.
I'm now back home for the summer (booo), things have calmed a bit. I'm much stronger mentally/emotionally now. Her BS doesn't really affect me anymore.
So glad that you're doing well now and are stronger now Scarlett! Distance is magical. I forgave her a long time ago; I distance myself for my sanity's sake, as that is what's most important to me. My family has noticed that I don't come around as I used to and my mom says that my Grandma asks about me. Who knows? Maybe I'll visit in 2015 and she'll be so happy to see me that she won't have anything else to say, but if she does, I'll walk away immediately, again, for good.
Thanks FassGal, while I never would want to go through this again, the experience has definately made me stronger,more compassionate and much more patient.
I wish to God I could move out, but right now I just can't. I alluded to it before, but my college career ended on a low note. It took me a little longer to finish, my last year killed my GPA (though it's still over a 3.0), I gained 40 pounds, and there was crazy family drama. This does not make it easy to land a great job right out. The good thing is I know exactly what I want. Additionally, having to deal with this madness has really made me want to be independent. I'm currently laying the ground work so that I'll never be in this situation again. It's just taking time. It seems like every time it looks like something good will happen, it doesn't. I'm trying to stay positive though. I'm hoping to be living in my own place by October/November. I know that once I'm out, I will have very limited contact with my mom.
Family issues - leave me alone!!!!
