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Sick of being single and hating online dating

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Old 04-09-2011, 09:13 PM   #1
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Default Sick of being single and hating online dating

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm 29, about to turn 30, and I never thought I'd be absolutely single at this age. I'm sure most 30 year old single women feel the same way. What's frustrating is that I've lived in NYC for 5 years and with the exception of reuniting with an old boyfriend for about a year, I haven't had ANY new boyfriends since I moved here. Guys don't even talk to me. I have no idea why! I'm fun, intelligent, cute, etc. All the things that someone "should" want. I tried match.com for a few months, which ended up in 3 dates that were a disaster. I signed up for eharmony a few weeks ago and I'm struggling. A handful of guys have contacted me and the communication doesn't go past the first step. I respond (at this point I'm not ruling anyone out until I meet them, unless they are just outright crazy) but they never respond back. I've contacted a bunch and only a handful have responded back, but they answer my questions and don't send anything back to me. Maybe I don't understand how the site works, but aren't they supposed to send me something if they want to keep the communication going? Why just answer my questions if they aren't interested in keeping it going? Anyway... the whole "guided" communication thing is weird. I've also ruled out a couple guys because I didn't like the answers to the questions I sent. Like, one guy pretty much said that his career is priority over everything in his life, including girlfriend, wife, family, friends, etc. UH, then why are you paying to use this website?? Duh. Anyway... I'm totally frustrated and I don't understand why men aren't interested in me. I'm kinda convinced that I won't meet anyone until I leave NYC. It's just a mean city and people's priorities seem to be messed up. Well, maybe not messed up. But no longer "traditional" like mine are. I SO want to get married and have a family but at this point I don't think having children is in the cards for me. I don't want to have them too late in life and 33 is my age limit. 3 years to meet that special someone, fall in love, get married, and have kids? Uh, not happening!
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Old 04-09-2011, 09:27 PM   #2
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My sister lives in NYC and she's single and dating. She's in her early 20s and she was telling me how it's hard in NYC. Apparently the single girls outnumber single guys in NYC.

Don't lose faith and keep an open-mind. I never dreamed I would be dating my current boyfriend when we just started out as friends.

If guys don't talk to you and you are interested, try talking to them. The guy could just be shy!
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Old 04-09-2011, 09:49 PM   #3
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Thanks for responding!

It REALLY is hard in NYC. The amount of single women here is insane, in comparison to the single men. Makes me feel like there's no point in trying! It's so discouraging. Best of luck to your sister. I hope things work out better for her than they have for me.
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Old 04-09-2011, 10:10 PM   #4
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Thanks for responding!

It REALLY is hard in NYC. The amount of single women here is insane, in comparison to the single men. Makes me feel like there's no point in trying! It's so discouraging. Best of luck to your sister. I hope things work out better for her than they have for me.
She's feeling it too because a lot of friends are getting engaged/married/popping out babies. She's only been living in NYC for the past 2 years since leaving college so far the people she's been dating are people who are mutual friends with people she knew in college or high school when they go out and hang out as groups in apartment parties or other social events.

I live vicariously through her dating stories. I'm supposed to meet someone new she's presently dating the end of this month. We will see :P
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:22 AM   #5
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The best online dating site I've found is OKCupid. It tends to be for younger people, in their 20s and 30s, and people are really active on it.
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Old 04-10-2011, 01:53 AM   #6
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Hang in there! If at all possible, I wouldn't put an age limit on anything like marriage, kids, etc... stuff happens when it's supposed to, i've learned and you can't really rule things out so far in advance!

I got lucky and met my boyfriend on match, but I also met quite a few people on plentyoffish. I will admit, some are pretty much... a waste... but I definitely met some really nice guys who just ended up being a buddy. No love on that site for me, but I know others who have met their special someone there! It's super active, especially in large cities! and it's free, which is helpful!

Good luck!
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Old 04-10-2011, 03:11 AM   #7
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Hang in there! I also wouldn't put an age limit on dating. I'm not in NYC and I find online dating infuriating. I'm 29, btw as well. I don't want to live my life alone by any means, but when I find myself getting upset at not meeting one I try to reassure myself by thinking that things do happen for a reason and the reason I haven't met anyone is because the RIGHT person hasn't come along yet and I don't want to end up miserable with the wrong one.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:05 AM   #8
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Hi there,
Just a quick observation about the dating scene in Manhattan: I've lived here for fewer years than you, but did meet my husband here. We're recently married, and I'm a bit older than you are. I agree that the traditional dating scene can be pretty intense here, especially if you're heading out with friends to some of the trendier neighborhoods/ boroughs in the city. I'd recommend mutual affinity groups/ common interest activities to get away from all the hype. Volunteering, sports groups, going to listen to speakers/ workshops/ art presentations/ the gazillion foodie related talks or interactive activities. If you don't already, perhaps subscribe to Time Out magazine and commit to attending one "random" event each month. Many of these are free or low cost, which is a bonus.
I met my husband at a discussion for professionals interested in changing the NY public and private school system (we both work in education administration) and would never, ever have interacted with him out at a bar or club.

Another brief aside: I work at a private school in the city, that educates children in grades K-12. Almost ALL of the parents who I work with had their children a bit later in life than your 33 limit. I might suggest relaxing that a bit! It seems pretty common in this city that women and men focus on their education first, then career, then find themselves in relationships and .... then start families. Average age of mothers coming into our school is 39, meaning most had their child around 35-37. Just a thought!

Best of luck and enjoy all the great stuff that's out there in our city!
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:04 PM   #9
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I know how you're feeling. I'm 26 right now and so single it hurts. This weekend I've been screaming "I JUST WANT A BOYFRIEND". I have one prospect but I don't think he's ready to settle down. It's making me go crazy haha. I was thinking about the online route but it just doesn't seem right for me. To top it off I'm new in town so I don't really know anybody.
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Old 04-10-2011, 03:21 PM   #10
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Everyone always tells me as soon as you stop trying to find a relationship, someone will come along. I don't know how well I believe that, but I have yet to have any luck in the online dating scene. I'd like to blame it on my weight and the massive amounts of shallow men who can't see past that, but that's not really fair as I tend to have higher standards when guys do contact me online.

I really agree with TapasLover though. Try the affinity groups/common interest activities. You'll make new friends that way and possibly meet "the one" while doing things you love to do! It isn't all about meeting a man first off, even making new girlfriends can lead to meeting new men they have in their lives.

Try not to get discouraged!
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:11 PM   #11
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Thank you everyone for the encouragement! It's nice to know that I'm not the ONLY single girl left out there! Sometimes it feels like I am. I "lost" all of my friends to marriage, boyfriends, babies, etc so I feel a little left behind.

I'm definitely trying some social and special interest groups, and I'm doing some volunteering starting in May. I'm hoping that it opens up my world to some new friendships (not just men, but new female friends too). I tend to be shy and I always feel like I'm being judged, so I tend not to talk to people, even if we're participating in the same activity!! I know I need to open up a little and also get over the fear of trying something new without a friend there as a crutch. That's the only way to make new friends!

On a side note, I went to Chicago last week and I don't know if I felt like it was "ok" because I was traveling for work, but I was totally fine going to the lounge and restaurants by myself and talking to random people. I was confident, charming and funny. I would NEVER do that in NYC! I felt like Chicago was a friendlier city, but maybe if I opened up here like I did there I'd find that people aren't so bad.

I'm finding that I can identify some things I need to work on to let more people into my life, but it's hard for me to actually do anything about it. Plus, I feel like any time I've given it a try people just let me down (especially men). Like I said previously, I don't feel like their values are the same as mine (I'm so ridiculously traditional).

Obviously I'll have to loosen up the age limit thing but I feel like the best years of my life are being wasted alone in my apartment!

Again, thank you all for the great advice, encouragement, and kind words. It's nice to know I can always come here for support. Even when it's over something silly!
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:13 PM   #12
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Hang in there! I also wouldn't put an age limit on dating. I'm not in NYC and I find online dating infuriating. I'm 29, btw as well. I don't want to live my life alone by any means, but when I find myself getting upset at not meeting one I try to reassure myself by thinking that things do happen for a reason and the reason I haven't met anyone is because the RIGHT person hasn't come along yet and I don't want to end up miserable with the wrong one.
You are SO right about being miserable with the wrong person. I try to tell myself that too. When the RIGHT one comes along, it will all be worth it!
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:32 PM   #13
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Please don't give up! I tried eHarmony, and hated it. Completely. I switched over to match and didn't meet anyone until ~2months in. And 6 months ago, I met my current boyfriend, and we've actually begun ring shopping. So please don't give up. I was single for 5 years before I met the dear bf. It can be hard, but good things take time.
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:51 PM   #14
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Please don't give up! I tried eHarmony, and hated it. Completely. I switched over to match and didn't meet anyone until ~2months in. And 6 months ago, I met my current boyfriend, and we've actually begun ring shopping. So please don't give up. I was single for 5 years before I met the dear bf. It can be hard, but good things take time.
I tried match first and the guys didn't seem to be serious about meeting someone. They were just kinda doing it as something to do. eharmony seems like the guys really are interested in meeting someone, and I like that people can't just do a search and find me. We actually have to be "matched". But I don't know, it's just not working out. They all seem to be so focused on their careers and even though they SAY they want to meet someone, the priority seems to be work. Its so weird! Or I'm just totally wrong at reading people, haha! But thank you for the encouragement. Good things definitely take time. I'm just impatient! :-p
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:15 PM   #15
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I am 26 (27 in July). Also single. Was in a relationship for 8 1/2 years before this. Been single for almost a year now with pretty much NO prospects.
I don't know where to meet guys. I go out on the weekends and have fun with my friends ... but I hear meeting a guy at a bar isn't the best idea haha.
Even so I still haven't met any lol. I had a guy ask me (he's not single, he dates a friend of mine and is related to my manager) HOW I was single ... blah blah blah ... I'm like "You tell me?!" ... People seem to like me ... lol they're just NOT single ... or too old for me ... haha. I don't get it.
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