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Sick of being single and hating online dating

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Old 04-10-2011, 07:53 PM   #16
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I am 26 (27 in July). Also single. Was in a relationship for 8 1/2 years before this. Been single for almost a year now with pretty much NO prospects.
I don't know where to meet guys. I go out on the weekends and have fun with my friends ... but I hear meeting a guy at a bar isn't the best idea haha.
Even so I still haven't met any lol. I had a guy ask me (he's not single, he dates a friend of mine and is related to my manager) HOW I was single ... blah blah blah ... I'm like "You tell me?!" ... People seem to like me ... lol they're just NOT single ... or too old for me ... haha. I don't get it.
That's gotta be one of the MOST annoying questions!! I've had a bunch of people ask me lately, How are you still single? UH, clearly I don't WANT to be single so if I knew WHY, I'd fix it! What a crazy question.

I was with a boyfriend for 5 years, on and off throughout my 20s, and I feel like it was such a huge amount of time wasted. I sometimes worry that I missed out on someone else because I wasted so much time with him.

I'm sure the right guy will come along for BOTH of us, we just have to be patient, right?? That's the hard part for me. Although I DO worry that there might not be anyone I'm compatible with. I guess it's possible.
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:01 PM   #17
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I always hated the interogation while single. I remember I went to my little brothers sisters wedding (my ex-step sister, I guess) and my dads ex wife asked me who I was bringing. I told her no one, and she kept informing me that I wasn't getting any younger and I was going into teaching and there are hardly any men in teaching and on and on and on. I mean, really? Shut the F up. I knew I was single, no need to shove it in my face.
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:23 PM   #18
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I feel like I've been "single" my whole life -- I've dated occasionally, but never seriously, and never had a boyfriend. I'm supposedly attractive, intelligent, sane, and not high-maintenance. Do I get asked out? Sure, now and then. But, as I've been told by certain friends, I "don't suffer fools gladly," and that often means I'm unapproachable. Maybe true. The good thing about still being in college is you're less apt to be judged for singleness -- except when assumed to be slutty -- but when I start to work, I fully expect to be told that I need to be "putting myself out there" instead of focusing on my career, as if having a man is the only criterion for success as a woman.
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:27 PM   #19
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Tiffany, if you don't mind my asking, what job did you leave / are you leaving to be a fitness instructor? I only ask because, after starting to read your 3FC blog, I slightly suspect that it is similar to the job I am starting... yikes.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:04 PM   #20
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I think with the volunteering and activities, you'll find people. I made some of my very best friends on a Parks & Rec co-ed volleyball team. I was horrible and in no way athletic, but I had a blast, and we'd always go out for a beer after our games. It was a great way to meet people.

My best friend put a time limit on herself for marriage and kids and is now marrying a man that is emotionally abusive and downright controlling just so she can make that cutoff. And, because she wants so desperately to be with someone and have babies.

I'm sure you wouldn't do the the same, but it's food for thought - I think I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable and with someone that's wrong for me.
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:26 AM   #21
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Here’s the thing when you look and push for things you come of desperate (even if you don’t show it men can smell it out especially the woman who are so eager to get married and start a family they don’t even care who it’s with anymore.) Men don’t want to hear about married, babies or anything sort of commitment along those lines within the first little while. Relax a little and don’t come off as needy either keep control of your emotions. I read a book not too long ago called “Why men love b!tches” (theres also another one about why men marry b1tches) It was the perfect book because it was so true. Come off needy to a man they push you away and don’t want you, because you yourself aren’t the challenge. They want a challenge they want someone who can keep them on their toes. If you come off as and independent woman who could really careless whether he’s in your life or not they seem to want you more. I’ve done the test it works. The guy I’m seeing, I come off a needy he’ll push away a bit. The second I back off and act as if he isn’t important to me, he comes and plays the needy part. Despite not wanting to play the game dating is a game and it’s a game you have to learn to play right. Try plentyoffish.com there are a lot of loser out there on that site, but there are some good ones as well, you just need to weed them out. Also be careful about how much information you really give about yourself. Be mysterious a bit, don't give off your whole life story and about looking for that prince charming bullsh1t and how you're looking for your soul mate. Good luck, dating sucks.
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:02 AM   #22
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I know the saying "when you stop looking, you will find it" worked for me. I met my husband when I had completely given up and stopped looking. I told my friend I was done. 100% finished with dating. I would buy cats and yarn and just sit and knit all my little kitties sweaters.

Then I met this guy and 3 years later we were married and have a baby. It is definitely something to think about. Try finding something else to keep you occupied and not thinking of being in a relationship. That's how I did it. I was so focused on exercising and getting thin, that I didn't think too much about dating.

Then I was 40 lbs lighter... lol maybe being married isn't such a great thing! (JK!)

I wish you all the best of luck!
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:11 AM   #23
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Hey Tiffany! I really feel for you. I spent a lot of time single or with the wrong people and often wondered if I'd ever find the right person. And I'm actually from the NYC metro area and I am aware of that mentality and how it can be off-putting in some people. BUT I also think it's a generalization and there are plenty of nice people in NYC, but they are probably hiding out away from the madness!

I think the other posters who recommended getting involved in activities, going to events.. that's the right way to go. You don't want to go to high-pressure situations where dating, meeting men, etc are the expectation. At least you don't want to concentrate your efforts on them.

From what I've heard about eharmony, it's pretty hit or miss. You'd think you'd find commitment-minded people, but for some reason most people I've known who have used it haven't liked it (with the exception of one married couple).

And there are other ways to meet people online besides personal ads! I met my partner through a blog (which, ironically, I started to whine about my ex and being a failure in life, haha). She lived 550 miles away and we talked as friends for about a year before it became romantic in the "omg I have to be with you NOW" way. She came to visit me and it was wonderful- we dated for a year and a half long distance- then I moved here to be with her. It just blows my mind sometimes that I found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life on the internet, while not even looking. Crazy.

Also, I can say now living in the midwest, I have been to Chicago and I find the people to be a generally friendlier bunch than those in New York. HOWEVER, there's something to be said for the fact that you were out of your element, had nothing to lose by being open and social, and you weren't staying. I guess I would call it the "vacation mentality." So don't rule out NYC just yet

Also, as for wasting the 5 years with your ex- it's not in vain! You learned about what you didn't want. You learned about yourself and how you are in relationships, and that will come in handy when you find "the one." It took me awhile to get over my insecurities from past relationships, but my partner was always patient with me and always made me feel safe. You will find that, I promise!

And as for having kids- you definitely still have time! Don't stress!
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:47 PM   #24
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I met my (now) fiancee on plentyoffish.com. As someone stated earlier, there are a lot of losers on there... but there are some good guys, too! I also tried OKCupid.com, never met anyone quality on there, but it's worth a shot.

All I can say is, I met and kissed A LOT of frogs. I probably met about 15-20 guys online for dates, before I met my fiancee. When I met him, I knew immediately he was the right person for me. The other guys, I knew were NOT right, and rarely went on second dates with anybody. i know its really, really frustrating. You get dressed up and excited for a date, only to meet them and they're lame/unattractive/not talkative, etc. It's harder and harder every time to get yourself excited for a date... But you NEVER know... you might be meeting "Mr. Right" ... so don't give up, keep trying, eventually you'll find the right person.
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:58 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MiZTaCCen View Post
Hereís the thing when you look and push for things you come of desperate (even if you donít show it men can smell it out especially the woman who are so eager to get married and start a family they donít even care who itís with anymore.) Men donít want to hear about married, babies or anything sort of commitment along those lines within the first little while. Relax a little and donít come off as needy either keep control of your emotions. I read a book not too long ago called ďWhy men love b!tchesĒ (theres also another one about why men marry b1tches) It was the perfect book because it was so true. Come off needy to a man they push you away and donít want you, because you yourself arenít the challenge. They want a challenge they want someone who can keep them on their toes. If you come off as and independent woman who could really careless whether heís in your life or not they seem to want you more. Iíve done the test it works.
This is a great point but your conclusion is a bit off. Obviously there are a variety of men out there so to paint all with the same brush is not going to work but for the most part a needy woman is not a women men are attracted to. Confidence is attractive. It is not, however, because we want a a challenge. Some men might but I've never met one who went for a woman because she was challenging. Everything else I agree with.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:07 PM   #26
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I tried eharmony after I was divorced and afraid to start dating again, and did a lot of the guided communication stuff - but was very hesitant to actually meet any of the guys, although several of them seemed decent and wanted to meet me. I finally got brave and went out with one of the nicest ones who happened to be a widower - and we have been dating 5 years now and are talking about making it permanent. I like the fact that the folks on eh are serious about meeting someone compatible, and fewer are just looking to hook up.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:11 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffany0809 View Post
I haven't had ANY new boyfriends since I moved here. Guys don't even talk to me. I have no idea why! I'm fun, intelligent, cute, etc. All the things that someone "should" want.
I have some thoughts.

You're older than the age of those who get settled quick and you're younger than those who settle after they've estabilished a career so you might want to consider an older guy if you haven't been already.

Alos, I hate to even suggest it because I'm such a cheapskate but I think you need the help of a professional dating consultant. I don't think a friend is going to be able to give you a completely honest assessment. If guys aren't talking to you then something is wrong. You should at minimum getting hit on regularly if you're cute and the number of dates you've been on is pathetic even for a tweener.

I'm not saying you're desperate but if you come off as desperate or needy with a man you're pretty much done unless he is the kind of guy who wants a social case and I'm sure that's not the kind of guy you're looking for.

You also might be coming on too strong with the whole serious about getting serious. No one and especially not a man wants to feel that kind of pressure. Dating is supposed to be fun.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:15 PM   #28
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I agree with John, although I've never heard of a professional dating consultant. Something about you is throwing up flags to the guys. It's worth a try!
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Old 04-11-2011, 02:35 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MiZTaCCen View Post
Hereís the thing when you look and push for things you come of desperate (even if you donít show it men can smell it out especially the woman who are so eager to get married and start a family they donít even care who itís with anymore.) Men donít want to hear about married, babies or anything sort of commitment along those lines within the first little while. Relax a little and donít come off as needy either keep control of your emotions. I read a book not too long ago called ďWhy men love b!tchesĒ (theres also another one about why men marry b1tches) It was the perfect book because it was so true. Come off needy to a man they push you away and donít want you, because you yourself arenít the challenge. They want a challenge they want someone who can keep them on their toes. If you come off as and independent woman who could really careless whether heís in your life or not they seem to want you more. Iíve done the test it works. The guy Iím seeing, I come off a needy heíll push away a bit. The second I back off and act as if he isnít important to me, he comes and plays the needy part. Despite not wanting to play the game dating is a game and itís a game you have to learn to play right. Try plentyoffish.com there are a lot of loser out there on that site, but there are some good ones as well, you just need to weed them out. Also be careful about how much information you really give about yourself. Be mysterious a bit, don't give off your whole life story and about looking for that prince charming bullsh1t and how you're looking for your soul mate. Good luck, dating sucks.
I agree that sometimes relationships happen when you least expect them/when you aren't looking, but I totally disagree with the belief that all men want a woman who is a challenge to keep around. It categorizes a group of them, but my boyfriend of three years is way more into the idea of marriage/kids than I am, *he* is the one who wants this stuff and it causes a bit of friction because I don't. Just like all women aren't the same all men aren't the same. It could cause problems if the OP tries to act like she "couldn't care less whether [a guy she dates] is in her life or not" when perhaps she really does care for him and he ends up hurt and quits the relationship. Some guys like women who depend on them a bit, some guys hate any sign of neediness.

If you're extremely independent and do genuinely keep a guy "on his toes" that's fine- you'll attract a guy for whom that works. But if you aren't and you are seeking a very serious relationship, or you are a bit needy, I don't think it will work long-term to act like you aren't. Be who you are and you're more likely to successfully attract someone you are truly compatible with, not someone you're putting on a front with.
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Old 04-11-2011, 05:57 PM   #30
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I've been single for so long. My weight is just a big issue. Im praying that once I drop this weight I will be able to have a better love life. Right now I get approached by guys but it's never the type of man I want to be with. IMO guys that find fat girls attractive aren't appealing to me.
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