So a while ago, I started kind of "talking to" (you know- that promising pre-relationship stage when it's been established that you like each other but nothing's happened yet) a boy. He's kind of the adorkable Seth Cohen type, so he can be a little socially awkward. When we first started hanging out, he warned me that occasionally he said hurtful things by accident because he genuinely didn't realize that it was something he shouldn't say. I laughed it off and told him it would probably be fine.
Fast forward to this evening. Classes were canceled at my university because of a snowstorm. I told him it was funny to see students sliding around all over campus trying not to fall because there was so much ice. His response? "You're fat...I bet you were sliding around on your stomach."
UM. Cue here my praying for the earth to swallow me whole and trying my hardest not to show emotion. What the ****? Am I being too sensitive for being upset by this? Do I not have a right to be angry, since he was up front about the fact that he had some "social issues"? I guess I just don't really know what the proper reaction to this should have been, but I'm definitely not feeling good about it.
Last edited by PlaygroundLove; 01-18-2011 at 11:13 PM.
That's not socially awkward - that is mean & hurtful. And for someone who says he "likes" you, you should never hear something like that come out of his mouth. No one deserves to be called names.
Ummmm I would say not socially awkward, I would say trying to make up a good reason to be mean and rude and hurtful. RUN!!!!!!!! There is no reason to say these kind of things, especially at 20 something years old! He should know better!!!!
If you "like" like him, you have to realize that if you got together further down the road, you would STILL be hearing these kind of things...is that how you want to see the rest of your life? If you pass him up, you will find someone way better...trust me.
WOW! There's no excuse for that. It wasn't even funny! Honestly I'm sure you can do better. That isn't humor, that's just plain insulting. If I were you I would start to think that pre-relationship isn't too promising. I mean really, he could have at least been insulting in a clever way, that was just blatant cruelty.
I'm so sorry he put you through that. That's not a joke, and it isn't "socially awkward," it's rude or a sign of a larger mental disorder. You deserve better, you can do so much better.
I know what he said was hurtful. I am sorry. But please look up Aspergers. He may actually have a form of Autism, that results in the social filter being non existent. He was most truly NOT wanting to be hurtful. Please look up the symptoms and see if he fits. If he does, you will need to explain why it hurt, and that he can't say things like that and explain in Black and White why it was hurtful. People with Aspergers are wonderful people, just a little different.
ready4skinny: He was diagnosed with high-functioning autism as a child, but apparently the doctors told his parents he was "cured"- which neither he nor I really believe is possible. I think you're right, but...I also think the other posters who have responded are correct. While he may not know any better, I guess I also shouldn't be the one to deal with the fallout :/
I agree with the ladies you shouldn't have to be the one to deal with the fallout however if you like him outside of all of his "socially awkward" and WANT To make it work, then go for it.
I am so sorry you had to deal with him saying that! Sounds to me like he def has social issues and maybe even isn't cured of "high functioning autism" like you said.
Have you spoken with him about it? Like what was said after he said that? My immediate reaction probably would have been to hang up the phone and go over there and curse him out...of course that's not right so maybe you could talk to him about it now that some time has passed?
He sounds like an Asperger or a sociopath. Hopefully not a sociopath.
You have every right to be hurt by what he said. Take it with a grain of salt but just because someone is kinda autistic doesn't mean you have to accept their faults and put up with them.
No. You were feeling insulted. You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel.
Do I not have a right to be angry, since he was up front about the fact that he had some "social issues"?
Find out. Speak up and go "Dude, do you KNOW how rude that sounds?!"
Whether he meant it on purpose or he's got Asperger's... don't let it slide. His heads up about his social issue only gets him a "wait a minute... did you mean...?" card.
He doesn't get a "free ride forever" pass!
You are allowed to feel however it is you feel. We can't control what we feel or when we feel it. We only can control how we react.
he warned me that occasionally he said hurtful things by accident because he genuinely didn't realize that it was something he shouldn't say.
And you laughed it off but made no plan. Maybe what you guys need to agree what YOU actually are supposed to DO when this happens. If he's really trying to learn how to build a relationship here, you guys could agree that's your cue to do "Dude, do you KNOW how that sounded?" and he could try to learn something from the experience. And you could try to learn to not take offense right away until you do the thermometer check first to see how he meant the thing.
If he apologizes and tries to make ammends, maybe you can learn to live with an Asperger's guy who is at least TRYING but is going to have some BLURTING. (I have a friend who is that way and he's best when you just tell him in plain language what's going on, what's up, etc. He does NOT do subtle well. And I live with the occasional BLURTING. It truly is not on purpose.)
If he plays it like YOU are the problem for being "too sensitive" and keeps on making comments like that with no effort to curb it or stop the blurting... he's just rude and not giving a damn about you or your feelings or your space. In that case, Asperger's or not, he's being a jerk.
If he's just being a rude, lazy jerk and making no effort at all to curb his blurts to spare you hurt, he's not really wanting to build something with you is he?
And YOU have the right to consider if YOU want to build anything with him. You might not be up for a relationship with special needs. That's fine too. You have no commitment here. It's fine to take it super slow or decide not to go there at all.
You have every right to be hurt by what he said. Take it with a grain of salt but just because someone is kinda autistic doesn't mean you have to accept their faults and put up with them.
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Originally Posted by PinkHoodie
Ummmm I would say not socially awkward, I would say trying to make up a good reason to be mean and rude and hurtful. RUN!!!!!!!! .
AGREED! and Seth Cohen would NEVER do something like that...
Remember LOTS of men are out there. LOTS of men will say crap like that but MOST won't. Someone who WON'T!
How mean!! I don't know what I would've done. I would love to say that I would've called him out because hey, he could just be that dumb and clueless. Or I would have just felt so mortified I would have been speechless.
If he's aware of his "social awkwardness" then maybe he needs to be aware when his "problem" hurts others!
Weight Jokes- ugh
