Did you lose yourself when you started gaining weight?
Before I began gaining weight I was okay with being myself.
When I was thinner I thought it was more alright to be different than others or be original.
I was myself and I don't remember ever caring what anyone thought because I was just being me, and that was acceptable.
I think it was most easy to see in my little specific "clothing style" that I had going on- I wore these loose plaid shirts, my converse, some torn jeans and always with a funky thrift store belt. I let my hair be crazy huge and 80's-ish and wore no makeup. That was me and that was the way I felt comfortable.
Classic "Kaala" style.
Then the weight thing happened- I'm still not sure what set it off- and I slowly "lost" myself. I started just wearing black of whatever fit because I thought that the "fat me" would look silly and laughable if I tried to be myself or wear something like my old, slightly funky outfits.
Not everyone is like this- I've seen many absolutely gorgeous, larger ladies wearing adorable outfits and carrying themselves with confidence.
I guess I just wonder why that couldn't be me...
I'm normally such a strong person, but I just absolutely let go of who I was-I felt unworthy of being myself or even just being cute, if that makes any sense?
I fit in my old clothes now, and I'm mad at myself for hating myself so much that I would let go of my identity when something as "small" as my weight changed. I wish I had had the strength to still be myself no matter what size.
I cried when my favorite funky belt fit again.
I swear that putting on those damn jeans yesterday just evaporated the past 3 years of being the "non-Kaala" and I walked out the door ready to live again.
That makes me sad because I wish I could see that I was always "me" and always worthy no matter what I weighed.
Sorry about the ramble, I'm a shift worker.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Yes and no, I lost myself due to the relationship I was in which was the relationship I gained all my weight in. Once the relationship was gone I began to slowly find myself or at least a different self, a much more grown up and even stronger person then I was before the weight was coming on.
I used to be carefree and a complete *****. I never cared what people thought or said, I was just me. A wild child with a big heart (but hid the heart part very well). Actually I found myself to be a lot more miserable back then. After this year through the break up, the weight lost I began to find a whole new person in me that I never thought existed. I'm much happier, and life is so different now. I guess when bad things are surrounding you for so long and you finally leave it things change...the way you view life changes.
Please excuse an oldie creeping in:
Fascinating question! I have been fat all my life, from age 18 months onwards, apart from a few months' 'normal' once in about 1980, once in 2004, when I lost signficant amounts. I never have known any sense of personal identity, which is part of the reason I regained before. I'm working at re-creating myself in more ways than weight this time!
Kind of like Rosinante, I've always been "big"--or, to be more specific, I've always been insecure about my appearance and I've always desired to get lost in a crowd and not stick out, because of that insecurity.
Now that my BMI is inches away from being "normal" and I'm starting to feel pretty good about how I appear (I love it when I have to double take when walking past a mirror ), I'm starting to look at clothes that interest me as opposed to clothes that conform.
The way I've always dressed is very uninspired... I've always, always worn jeans, every single day. Even throughout the summer, I'd be in jeans. Hot or cold. And my shirts are all very plain. One solid color for the most part, without any labels. Very simple.
Now? Now I'm staring at dresses... Cute summer dresses. I love dresses, but being a pear shape, they've always looked terrible... But as I get closer and closer to my goal weight, I feel more and more comfortable about dresses, and skirts. Heeled shoes too.
However, even at my largest, I've always stayed away from BLACK. I hate black, no matter how slimming it is. BLACK doesn't represent me. I'd much rather wear white, pink, yellow... despite that they make you appear larger.
Well, as I've been very overweight or obese for my whole life, I never really had an option but to be okay with myself (I made sure I was okay with myself, that is). It was when my weight rose to very unhealthy levels that I was not okay with that.
I think as I get smaller, I'm finding more of a fashion sense. I struggle though with still thinking nothing will fit, which leads to thinking that I can't really have a fashion that's "me." There's this one style of coat I've always loved and wanted, but never got because I didn't want to wear one so big (not flattering on my shape when I was larger), and the other day I tried one on - a large. My friend chuckled and told me it was way too big. I didn't believe her. She grabbed a small and I practically burst out laughing at the idea I'd fit into it. Well, I did.
I guess coming from being fat for basically my whole life, it's different to start to be able to wear normal things - to be able to choose what I want to wear instead of looking for a size that fits and then deciding if I can live with the style.
Great thread!
Last edited by LiannaKole; 12-18-2010 at 11:17 AM.
I know what you mean by this. I sort of lost myself too... or at least my self confidence. At my biggest I definitely didn’t feel good about how I looked and didn’t rock the clothing I used to rock. I still don’t for the most part... but a lot of that has to do w the fact that the clothing I used to rock was skin tight
“feeling worthy”as you put it... ahh yes...
I don’t always feel worthy. In fact, a lot of the time I struggle to feel like I’m important to those who are important to me. That’s more to do with issues other than weight, but in recent years those feelings and my negative feelings about my weight have compounded, making everything worse. I’m kinda mad at myself for letting my self esteem get so low. I really got beat down there for awhile, and i’m still learning how to build myself back up. I still feel like I won’t completely feel good about myself until I feel good about my body, and I won’t feel good about my body until I’m fit. I’m working on it, though.
Interesting question. After losing weight at 16 and keeping it off for a couple years, the slow gain of putting on about 25 pounds on throughout college didn't change my self-perception. It was so gradual that I still felt good. I got attention from dudes, people complimented my looks, and I thought of myself as an attractive person. I mastered the art of posing in certain stances for photos (stances that would be flattering) and slowly started wearing more and more makeup to mask the fact that my face was getting rounder.
It was only when I started to pursue weight loss and make changes that I started feeling fully aware of my actual size and being self-conscious and embarrassed about it. I still look at myself in disbelief when I fit into small articles of clothing or appear non-lumpy in photographs.
I'm okay with not being totally comfortable. I associate total comfort with letting one's self go. But like the OP said, to deny yourself the pleasure of living because of your weight is to miss out on life! Life is short, live it well.
When I was in college, I didn't have the best time with roommates. In fact, the best person I lived with ever was myself (during my 5th year). I did live with four awesome people the year before, but I loved living alone. Anyways, my freshman year was great. I was around 160 back then, and was in a new relationship, and just happy. I had a crazy roommate, but I moved and I never had to see her again. I didn't let her get to me. Then sophomore year, I developed really bad sleeping problems, and my now-fiance was deployed in around October. Then I got depressed. I didn't gain too much that year, because I stayed pretty active, but once again, I had a roommate who was just off her rocker (luckily there were two other girls I lived with who were pretty cool) and she just made it difficult. Plus, when she left for Christmas after me and the other two girls had already been gone, she forgot to lock the sliding back door and our apartment got robbed. And they took mostly sentimental items of mine, plus my expensive camera, and I was very upset.
Flash forward to the next year, and it got worse. I was coming off of a very high high, my fiance took me to Hawaii for a week on his leave. I had to move into my sorority house and for awhile it was fine, but the depression really sunk in and so did my sleeping problems (which turned out to be thyroid cancer). I started to lose myself and started to gain weight. I gained about 20 lbs that year. Urgh. I still haven't lost it. More Urgh. Things were better the next year, but when I was diagnosed in March 2007 and had to leave school, I was catatonic. I was probably 193 around then, had my surgery and stayed depressed throughout my final year of school, where I gained another 10 lbs, and the final 10 lbs was from when I was unemployed for 8 months after graduation. It was just crap after crap after crap. I've finally almost lost that last 20 lbs I gained, and next goal, the 20 lbs I gained in the sorority house.
Even though I still weigh a lot, I've finally started to regain myself and just feel better.
I've been morbidly obese my entire life so I've never really known myself to begin with. It's more like I'm starting to find myself now that I'm losing weight, and it's a terrifying but wonderful process.
I was similar to Hart...I gained weight while losing myself.
I went to college and was out of my element, and maybe put on about 20 lbs (not so bad) and then after college it was just an emotional roller coaster and I gained another 40. My grandmother got sick and died, my uncle died, my mom got sick and then died - it was just 5 years of the people closest to me needing to be cared for, and the emotional "consequences" of that, and I literally lost myself in the middle of worrying, helping, etc.
The weight gain was directly related to me feeling like crap inside. I really think that being overweight (for me) is closely related to something going on mentally, whether its depression, anxiety, not having self worth, or just something odd.
I haven't had the same reactions as you have, but I'm very glad to have myself back
This question always puzzles me. I mean, I had been large all through childhood, highschool, etc. I know when I was bigger style was an issue. I found myself buying clothes because they fit. not because they were cute. At my largest, I did not know plus sized clothes stores existed so I found myself squeezing into whatever I could find. I actually didn't own shorts [outside of workout clothes] until college because I was so ashamed of my body. Its funny. I don't really remember a lot from highschool and growing up. I think I blocked out alot of my childhood whether because of the divorce or whatever. its really funny because now I get approached by men all the time and get compliments and its like, if only you knew me five years ago. There would be no interest. What's worse is now I try to hide my old self. I don't have pictures or I'll hide pictures if new friends come over to my childhood home. Yeah, i should work on that.
I def. lost myself as I gained my weight back from losing it a previous time. I think my problem was I was so disappointed in myself for giving up on me. I was really depressed and was pretty much a hermit. As I lose the weight I feel less and less depressed although I am still a hermit it's slowly getting better. I'm okay leaving the house without having to do my hair or put make-up on again. I think it's just about feeling comfortable in your own skin.
I was never thin before losing the weight in 2004. Growing up fat is hard and I think there's a lot of truth to feeling like you've lost yourself a bit when you gain weight. I never really quite "found" myself until I lost the weight, which had been such a huge burden my entire life.
I sometimes feel like I've lost myself in losing weight...
I'm a different person... in more ways than one...but a lot happened when I got down to 150 pounds... I started law school, ended a relationship, made some bad decisions, moved 9 hours away, and so on...
It took me a long time to recreate myself with all the changes... I wasn't use to the attention... I had been fat my whole entire life....
And maybe I lost myself a little through the weightloss and the horrible relationship but I've certainly found myself afterwards... and I kind of like the new me
Did you lose yourself when you started gaining weight?
), I'm starting to look at clothes that interest me as opposed to clothes that conform. 
