So I need some dating/dieting advice from all you experienced chicks out there
I've recently started seeing a guy from school. I've never really dated much at all; my only other relationship was about 3 years ago and even that lasted only 2.5 months or so, and at the time I wasn't really worried about losing weight. So obviously I'm not very experienced with dating and trying to eat healthy. ANYWAY, all he ever wants to do is go out to lunch/dinner/starbucks. I know these are standard dates for most people, but when you're trying to stick to 1200 calories a day that can be kind of disruptive to the plan.
I've tried offering up alternative ideas for hanging out, but even then he'll unexpectedly bring over food or basically harass me until I agree to get something lol. It's obvious he's not worried at all about being healthy....ever. And when I flat out refuse the food or say that I just ate, he acts all hurt. I guess my question is, how should I proceed with this issue? I don't want to scare him off by making a big deal out of the fact that I'm dedicated to losing weight, and I also don't want to make him think that I can never have fun or go out. SOMETIMES it's ok...just not everyday. I guess he thinks because he's paying for everything I should accept it as a gift or something. I have mentioned that I'm trying to be healthy, but I guess he didn't really think I was serious.
Aw, that's a tough situation for sure. Sometimes the American cultural stigma that socializing and food go hand in hand can be a huge bummer!
My suggestions...
See if you can compromise - go out once in a while (but make smart choices while you are out, of course), but make a habit of cooking and eating in. Let him know that you are trying to eat better - he doesn't have to join you with healthy eating, but you don't have to join him with UNhealthy eating either. Make your plan and stick to it. If you can afford to eat something he brings over, and you want to, then go ahead. If you would rather make something in the kitchen for yourself, do that.
If he complains or feels upset that you don't eat the food he brings over, find out why it upsets him. Does he feel like he's paying for all the meals? Offer to cook for him from time to time to balance it out. Does he feel insecure that he's eating takeout and you're not? That's not your problem!
If you can get to the root of his responses you might learn something and think of a way to solve it that makes both of you happy. Be frank and positive in your discussion; don't go in on the offensive; don't make it a bigger deal then it needs to be. Good luck!
I fully believe that even at the start of a relationship you must be able to be honest and comfortable with your feelings or else there is no point. Food is definitely a common date thing, and it's also often a way to show affection. Is it possible he thinks you're more afraid of him spending money on you than the actual food? Maybe the "hurt" is more about you rejecting his attempts to show his feelings.
Maybe the next time he wants to go out to eat you could say something like "You know, I love how much you want to spoil me, it makes me feel great. But I'm trying to lose a little weight and I need to cut back on all the treats. Can we do something without food?" If he doesn't understand that, then I think there is a problem. You shouldn't feel like you have to do something to make him happy, and vice versa.
Personally, when I realized a couple cappuccinos a week for a month would pay for the food processor I wanted that was it. I'm gonna make my coffee at home! There are lots of fun things to do together that are cheaper than eating out, more fun, AND active! Hiking with my husband is one of the best activities we do together (plus finding a little spot off the trail to sit and talk is very romantic). You could go skating, bowling, bike riding, etc. Those are things that build memories.
When I first met my wife, I thought (I still do!!!) she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She weighed about 30 pounds less than she does now, and she looks just as great now as she did then. Sometimes, however, she talks about losing weight. I become threatened, thinking that she is going to get skinny and realize that she could get a much better-looking, thinner, more muscular guy. Hold on to this information - it will come in handy at some point, I'm sure.
Anyway, don't feel threatened by this guy's attempts at making you eat - it is probably just his way of telling you that yes, he likes you. Don't think that all HE wants to do is eat. It probably isn't. He probably isn't sure of what else to do, and food is probably comforting for him, so he incorporates food into your dates in order to keep himself relaxed. I'm guilty of having done that before.
Give him another chance to listen to how you feel. Tell him that you want to do things other than going out to eat, and maybe together you can choose one day a week to eat together. Tell him in person, and make eye contact. Let him know that you do like him, and he should feel comfortable enough with you to go on other dates. Keep throwing out ideas to him of places you'd like to go to and things you'd like to do with him. Make sure he understands.
I hate to say this, but if he isn't willing to LISTEN to you and work with you on this, he probably just isn't the guy for you... because if that's the kind of guy he is, then this small issue is going to escalate to him rarely ever listening to what you have to say and tossing your ideas and opinions aside and only doing things his way. Good luck! I hope that he is willing to give this a shot for you!
Congratulations on the progress you've made so far, by the way! You're doing a great job!!! I know, it's VERY difficult to deal with a new relationship AND trying to lose weight at the same time.
Great advice DXX! I totally agree with you. My fiance' knew me at my biggest, he still showed interest in me back then, but emotionally, mentally, and of course physically, I wasn't ready to date anyone, or even socialize! I was too busy focusing on ME for a while. So KUDOS to you for balancing that MedChick!
When I was finally able to reach goal, I gave him a chance. He knew all about what I was doing from the beginning, and in fact, to this day, he is still very supportive. He encourages me to be healthy, and we have discovered several different ways to have fun that don't involve food. Plus, he's an "I only eat when I'm hungry" type of guy, so unless the man is starving, he can go without. We prefer home cooked meals, and low key dates. I've noticed that if I hang out with someone who loves to eat, then their behaviors rub off on me, and I'll be influenced by that lack of support. Don't let this happen to you. I gained 5 lbs one week just hanging out with my sister. OY!
Thanks for all the great advice! I especially appreciate a guy chiming in lol. To be honest, we are at the earliest stages of our relationship, if you can even call it that at this point. I've definitely tried to be honest about wanting to be healthy (i.e. talking about going to work out and just eating healthy in general), but I haven't gone into much detail about HOW I'm trying to lose weight. Anyway, I'll definitely be following everyone's advice on here, and hopefully things will work out. I've recently just been trying to fit going out into my daily calorie limit, but like I said I'd much rather just not go out to eat all the time. I guess the key is making it obvious that I DO like spending time with him, I'd just rather do it in a way that doesn't kill my diet lol.
Exactly. I think it's important, too, to have ideas of what you'd rather do instead. That'll help. If you just say "I don't want to eat out." He might take it as you don't want to hang out. Say "I don't want to eat out, but how about we do [enter creative activity here]." Or cook for him. If you aren't good at cooking, invest in a crock pot. Those are always delicious!! Good luck!
starbucks nonfat lattes for the win!! or you could always just order tea... also, you don't need to stop yourself from going out, just make good choices when you do, or eat only half what's on your plate. and plan the outing into your day. so if you know you're gonna go out for dinner, have a really light lunch! also, TELL your boy you are dieting and it's not good for you when he's tempting you with all this food. i'm sure he'll understand.
when i was back home, the first time i was on a serious diet and lost like 60lbs, my best friend use to always tempt me with food (she was a skinny *****, grrr...) till i told her she needed to STOP cuz i was really trying hard to lose weight. and she did. she hadn't even realized she was doing it...
When my bf and I got together we ate constantly and got fat together, but it never has to happen like that. Coffee dates are easy to work around - have a regular coffee or a tea and resist the urge to supplement your beverage with little cakes (it's hard, I know). Like KC said, if you have a date planned you can budget your calories by having a very light breakfast and lunch.
But it is important to break through the "socializing = food" barrier, and difficult to do so gracefully in situations like this. Unless he's trying to feed you and make you gain weight (which is rare and freaky but not unheard of - I know a couple who is in this situation!), he shouldn't get upset if you choose to eat less. If he brings you food, say "thanks" and put it in the fridge or something. Maybe if you guys chose dates like going to a park or museum etc there would be less focus on food. Are there healthy little bistro/cafe type places to eat where you are?
Yeah Starbucks is very doable usually as I mostly just get hot green tea or something (which is like, 0 calories!). It's mostly just the eating out that gets me. It's really difficult for me to resist temptation when I'm at a restaurant. I guess I just haven't mastered the moderation thing yet. Unfortunately, it's still all or nothing for me. But ultimately, I agree that I need to break the idea of socializing with food as the norm. He's a pretty big guy himself, not obese just not in excellent shape, and I think he's just used to eating out all the time and it's a really easy, enjoyable thing to do as a date. But anyway, thanks again for the advice! I definitely have a better perspective on things now.
Btw, I'm a horrible cook so that crockpot thing would definitely come in handy! lol
New boyfriend
ouch I've always found this a toughie. If/do you know about your date ahead of time can you plan it into your daily caloric intake? 
