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Old 02-05-2010, 12:32 AM   #1
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So, I posted about this in general chatter before. Basically, there was this guy who seemed to be into me. And on Tuesday he even walked me home and gave me a hug. And he's always super flirty.

So today I see him talking to this other girl. And then later after she had left I find out he asked her out for drinks. Like he didn't tell me this, another girl who had seen and heard the whole thing was teasing him about it. And he seemed a little uncomfortable about it. And I'm like, did he just not like me and I was getting the signals wrong? Or was he just playing me for an idiot?

The thing is, the girl he was flirting with, I know her. And she's nice (neurotic but nice), I like her. But she's also really skinny and petite. Like probably a size 0 or maybe a 2 (doubt it). But she isn't (and I hate how mean and conceited this sounds) all that pretty. So I'm like, this is because she has a better body than me isn't it?

I was so excited two days ago and now I'm like all depressed. It's really hard for me to put myself out there because I'm terrified of rejection. And I just got rejected hardcore. And I know he isn't worth it. I know this in my head but it just hurts...I don't know. I'm just sad and knew I could count on you guys for support.
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Old 02-05-2010, 12:53 AM   #2
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As one of the few men in this section, I'll apologize for how shallow amongst other things my gender can be. Hopefully I am not one of those, but I know we have a bad track record.

I don't think you read the signals wrong, he is just one of those men who is rather easily distracted and careless. Those traits make you correct with another statement though. Someone who is that willing to just switch around to the girl of the moment isn't worth getting riled over. There are plenty of us that can be far more caring.
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Old 02-05-2010, 12:59 AM   #3
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Oh I'm sorry! You know, this is all going to sound so trite but if things didn't work out it maybe not meant to be. On the other hand, it doesn't make it suck any less! Sorry that guy is a jerk...it actually doesn't mean you are crazy or anything. You probably were reading the signals right, and he is just confused or a mess or a slutty man or whatever! Nothing to do with you. You sound like a very nice girl and you are for sure a cutie so let this lame guy go out with some lame skinny girl and unfortunately that means you will have to wait till someone better comes along. Hang in there!
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:01 AM   #4
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I'm sorry On one hand, be happy that he did that. You're too good for someone so shallow that chooses people on looks and surface things. On the other hand, I know how you feel and I know it hurts. Unfortunately in my case, it was a mutual friend of mine and my cousin [my BFF] and she told me that he liked me, blah blah blah, so we started hanging out and chatting. Then about a month into this, I end up realizing he's in love with my cousin who is engaged to his best friend. So he was choosing me as a back up and even then, he didn't want to date me that much because of my weight. So yeah, you're better off finding someone who likes you. All of you and not just parts
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:13 AM   #5
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Aww, I'm sorry you're hurting--guys can definitely be confusing! Is it possible that he wasn't sure you were interested? If he was getting stronger vibes of interest from the other girl, that might explain why he asked her out...Guys are often just as eager to avoid being rejected as we are.

Even if he wasn't sure, though, he shouldn't have asked her out when you were going to find out about it, so soon after being flirty with you. Sorry guys can be so clueless sometimes. Just remember that you're awesome and that eventually a guy will come along who will tell you how stupid all these other guys have been as he sweeps you off your feet...
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:34 AM   #6
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That would bum me out, too. He probably does like you, too. You know how boys are...sometimes it's hard for them to focus or commit to one person of interest, they seem to get this itch to spread the love around lol. And you don't sound mean saying she isn't all that pretty, it's an honest observation. You're obviously a very attractive girl and I'm sure you read the signals just right...don't rule out that he is still interested in you, too. And don't be too down on him...he might not have realized it would bother you. As another poster pointed out, men can be truly clueless sometimes1

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Old 02-05-2010, 10:25 AM   #7
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I think it's a little presumptious to assume he did this because she's skinnier. Perhaps this flirting back and forth left him confused about what your intentions were--perhaps you weren't terribly assertive that you wanted him. There are just soooo many different things that could be going on.

I would be very up front with him. Talk to him. It's a very simple concept that is all too often overlooked when you are in that "liking" stage. Tell him that you were surprised that he asked "the other girl" out for drinks. Tell him you had taken the light flirting to mean he had interest in you. Ask him if you misinterpreted things. Let him answer. If he says he has no interest, move on. At least you will have answers and peace. I have a feeling he'll say that he just wasn't sure how to proceed with you. But you'll never know if you don't talk and ask.
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Old 02-05-2010, 10:37 AM   #8
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You say you have a hard time putting yourself out there because you're afraid of rejection, right? Did you put yourself out there with this guy? Did you ask him to go out for drinks, or hang out, or something of the sort?

Because it may not be anything about you that made him grab drinks with this girl. Maybe (assuming you haven't made any sort of move) he thought you were uninterested, and were rejecting him, or maybe he was uncomfortable when teased because he is into you and he was just asking the girl out to get to know her.

If he's being "super flirty" and you're reserved, chances are he's feeling rejected too. Granted, I don't know your history with this guy, and I have no idea how you acted. I just think maybe there are other possibilities than him skirt-chasing for a size 2.
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Old 02-05-2010, 10:55 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Salacious View Post
You say you have a hard time putting yourself out there because you're afraid of rejection, right? Did you put yourself out there with this guy? Did you ask him to go out for drinks, or hang out, or something of the sort?

Because it may not be anything about you that made him grab drinks with this girl. Maybe (assuming you haven't made any sort of move) he thought you were uninterested, and were rejecting him, or maybe he was uncomfortable when teased because he is into you and he was just asking the girl out to get to know her.

If he's being "super flirty" and you're reserved, chances are he's feeling rejected too. Granted, I don't know your history with this guy, and I have no idea how you acted. I just think maybe there are other possibilities than him skirt-chasing for a size 2.
I agree - I have this issue, too. I can be very reserved and I don't realize that I may be the one sending the "back off" signals to the guy.

Maybe try asking him out?
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Old 02-05-2010, 11:24 AM   #10
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Thank you guys for all of your support! I really appreciate it.

See that's the thing though, I was super flirty back. And asked him to come hang out with me-which lead to him walking me home and the hug. And he was on externship for an entire semester and e-mailed and facebooked me the whole time....so it's like he liked our conversations and my personality, but maybe dealing with the physical me wasn't so appealing?

And he had made a comment about how I should come out with him tonight (fri) on Tues night-and then he does this? It was like a sucker punch that I just did not see coming.

And what I mean by saying I'm not one to put myself out there for rejection: I would never-especially not now, say I like you do you like me too? Because if he said no I have a class with 10 people in it where I do nothing but practice public speaking that he's in once a week. I would literally never be able to face him if he said no. I just can't do it. It's not in my personality.
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Old 02-05-2010, 02:52 PM   #11
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Rachie, I wouldn't take it personally. That sounds odd, since it's a very personal situation, but guys are like this. Unless they're looking for a serious relationship, they keep their options open. He may like you. But he may like flirting with other girls, too. It's not cool, but I imagine the thoughts in his head were something like this:

"Rachie's really awesome and beautiful. I want to get closer to her. But, oh, this girl is cute too--what if I get into a relationship with Rachie and then find out that this girl was MORE awesome and I missed my chance? I'll ask her out too...."

This is all conjecture, of course, because I can't imagine ever having a thought process like that myself. But it is conceivable. If you don't want to shake the boat by confessing, then don't. The Friend Zone is not an easy place to break out of. If it were me, I would try asking some other guys out for drinks myself--ones that weren't in my classes or circle of friends.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:01 PM   #12
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:43 PM   #13
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Don't let your insecurities about your body get in the way. In the long run - a person will love another for who they are inside. And if they don't - theyr'e shallow and not worth your time.

Put out that positive, i love my self and I deserve the best attitude - and you'll get it right back. maybe not from him, but from someone who is more deserving of your time.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:48 PM   #14
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I think he was just trying to keep things open, you know? I don't think he is looking for a serious relationship, and he is going out with diffferent girls to see which ones would make the better girl to have a relationship with.

or he's young he might not want to be tied down in a relationship.

it sucks but thats how young guys are....
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:56 PM   #15
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I don't really see this as a rejection, or even particularly jerky behavior (from the details you shared).

If the roles were reversed, and it were you interested in two different guys, I wouldn't think you were horrible for wanting to date both guys until you decided which one you liked best. Unless he turned down your invitation, I wouldn't consider this rejection at all. Just like him, you should keep your options open - there's nothing wrong with men or women dating multiple people concurrently, especially in the early stages.


It seems to me you're seeing rejection where there hasn't been any. I don't think that his asking her out, and not yet asking you necessarily means that he's rejected you, or even that he likes her better than you.

My husband and I had been hanging out together almost every day for a month, when I was so confused by the mixed signals I was getting form him (platonic, romantic? I wasn't sure), that I asked one day in frustration "so are we dating or what?"

His answer to was to the effect of "You tell me, you send so many mixed signals I can't tell."

I didn't realize that I was sending mixed signals too. In fact, it was kind of hard to believe, because I didn't think I was a person afraid of rejection. I tend to act and even to myself mostly feel fairly bold and brazen ("what do I have to lose"), but I was best at the flirting and "I like you, we should do something," type of early dating stuff. I generally expected (because it was my prior experience) the guy to take the initiative once I got the ball rolling. I didn't know what to do when a guy was reluctant to put himself out there. It felt like a stalemate (with both of us hoping the other person would be the one to really lay their heart on the line).

Since both of us were waiting for the other to make the next move, neither of us did, until I got so frustrated I figured "what do I have to lose?"


Because in this culture, we still often expect the guy to make not just the first move, but all of the first moves - we kind of assume that men have a thick skin and aren't afraid of rejection. If they like several girls, they're going to ask out the one (or more if they're ok with that) they like the best, but that's not the way it usually works. They ask out the girl who seems less likely to reject them - or whose rejection will sting less because she was so far "out of his league anyway."

Guys will often ask out "hot" girls, not because they want to date the hot girl, but because they have less to lose if she rejects him (of course she rejected him, everyone knows hot girls are *****es). This happens with girls too. Camryn Manheim in her book, Wake Up, I'm Fat! writes about it, feeling the most confident about flirting with guys she felt she had virtually no chance with, because the rejection wouldn't hurt as much as rejection from a guy who "should" feel lucky that she gave him the time of day.

I don't know that any of that is going on, but I do wonder if she was just easier for him to ask out, either because he didn't expect her to say yes anyway, or because she was sending stronger "I like you," vibes, and he figured he had less to lose.

If he's still flirting with you, he's probably still interested. Only you can decide if you're interested enough to not just flirt back, but to actually put yourself out there more bravely and tell him that you are interested with him. Yes, it opens you up to rejection, but there is no way for men and women to connect without opening themselves up to rejection.

The best way to avoid feeling victimized by rejection is to be less fearful of it - to remember that you're trying to find the best person for you, not the one who wants you the most. You're going to be doing a fair amount of the rejecting too, and you should be expecting that you're not just "on trial" with guys, they're also "on trial" for you.

There was a guy I worked with before I met my husband, who was really nerdy, and odd but I thought he was sweet. I flirted with him outrageously (I thought). I even asked him out a couple times (platonic, let's get together and do something fun). He never accepted, so I assumed he wan't interested and moved on. I heard from a friend (by that time, I was working somewhere else) that this guy appeared "crushed" when he heard I was getting married.

I still don't know what was up with that. Whether he was interested, but just way too shy, or whether he was crushed by the thought "even the fat girl I didn't want to date is finding love."

If he was interested, maybe he rejected me before I could reject him. I know people like that, and a few times I've even been that person. In high school a few cute and somewhat popular guys flirted with me, and I gave them fairly icy treatment back, because I assumed they were just trying to make fun of me. Maybe they were, and maybe they weren't, but I went through a "reject-before-you-get-rejected" phase (and luckily got over it by the end of college).

My middle sister has a lot harder time with relationships than I ever did (even though she's thin and pretty), because she's so much more shy than I ever was. I experienced a lot more rejection in my life than she has - but she's far more afraid of rejection than I ever was. Maybe it's my nature to be confident and brave (or maybe I'm just a natural gambler), but instead I think it was just a matter of practice, especially now that I see my sister putting herself out there a lot more, and getting better results. Yes, she's had more experience with rejection as a result, but she's also had more luck (and also having to be the rejecter more often as she finds guys that turned out to be more interested in her than she in him). She's still not the most outgoing person in the world, but she's a lot less shy and fearful.


I'm starting to ramble. To reign it in, this dating stuff is complicated for everyone, cute or not, male or female. To have a chance, you've got to conquer fear, it really is the biggest obstacle.
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