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Old 05-08-2009, 03:12 PM   #16  
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Originally Posted by Shannon1983 View Post
Your Situation sounded so much like mine i could not believe it.. My hubby had a "step dad" whom did stuff with him but his mom kept him from his real dad (long story) and just in the past few years did he get reaquainted with him..

DH acts the same way and his emotions are so deep down inside it is not normal i swear.. I do cry like you and he just stands that and STARES at me.. Does not saya thing!!!

I totally understand where you are comming from and i totally feel for you more then you can imagine.. We actually went to counseling and it helped him big time and it helped me deal with the fact that he will never be as emotional that i want him to be or as emotional as he wants to be.

Best of luck to you i hope all is well but DONT GIVE UP!!!!
Both of your stories resonated intensely with me. I am an extremely emotional person, and also a very curious person. My boyfriend (due to his upbringing, and previous relationships) is very closed off, not in touch with his emotions, and not forthcoming with information. I have a hard time getting his plans for the day out of him!

I have two pieces of advice. One is to figure out whether the differences between the two of you are worth working out, or not. I never pictured myself with someone I couldn't communicate easily with. In previous relationships, these things came easily, and my SOs and I talked about everything and they related to me, etc. My relationship with my current BF has been work work work. I wondered at first, since it wasn't "fluid" and "easy" like others had been, if it was wrong. Then I realized those other relationships didn't work out, because just being compatible is not enough. A relationship is about working together with each other, moving forward, and making progress, not just being perfect with each other always (this is true for me, at least). My boyfriend and I have very different ways of dealing with things, and we cannot assume that we are similar in any situation, or things will fall apart.

This is my other piece of advice, which echoes Thighs Be Gone's - get to know yourself. It is easy to blame your BF's reactions for insecurities or issues that actually spring from you, and this doesn't solve them! Figure out why his reactions upset you so much - what is it about you that makes you easily agitated by certain things he does? Are you looking for validation from him that you should be getting elsewhere, or not even needing?

In regards to marriage, obviously, if you're not happy, don't marry him. But don't assume that everything between you has to be picture perfect before you get married, either. No married couple is perfect, we all have shortcomings that need to be worked on. Ask yourself if the issues you have are ones you can both benefit from the improvement of, and if you and your BF are both equally invested in making that necessary progress.

Some people say "you can't change people." I think this is bull****. It is the nature of people to be affected and changed by events around them, and opening yourself up to another person, and especially marrying another person is an event that SHOULD and WILL change every person. While you shouldn't try to manipulate someone else to fit into your ideal picture, it is reasonable to have expectations of progress and change in a relationship. The key is to make sure both members of the couple have the same values and goals which they want to work towards.
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Old 05-08-2009, 03:18 PM   #17  
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My husband used to take out his bad days on me. It was to the point where he'd come home mad and I wouldn't know obviously, and I might say something like "hey can you take out the trash?" And he'd just go like "gosh is that my JOB or something" and storm out leaving me looking like WTF is his problem?

Finally one day I just sat down with him and said that I know life gets stressful but we should come to each other for support- not to tear off each other's heads at those times. I told him when he did that if left me hurt and confused and afraid to talk to him because I didn't know what would make him go off again.

Since then we just warn each other "hey having a bad day here..." and we talk about it and that usually helps And if we find we have had a bad day and are starting to snap we stop and apologize.

Oh and just to add, crying doesn't solve anything, if anything all it does is annoy guys more because it makes them feel like 1- you are just manipulating them into saying sorry and 2- you aren't acting like an adult but a child.

I've met many women who just cry and cry to their husband's and get no reactions, but when I've told them do NOT cry, talk it out, let them sit and mull it over, they have found that their husbands/bfs do listen. When a woman cries all the man wants to do is end the talk.

Again take my hubby when something is bothering me I don't cry about it, I tell him how I feel and leave it at that, half the time I just say "you know this is really bothering me right now when such and such happened, I'd like to talk about this" and leave it at that, for my hubby he gets to hear what's bothering me and think about it. 99.99% of the time he comes to me the next day and we talk about it and get the issue resolved. If I come at him full force he just feels like he has to defend himself, but if I let him think it over he usually realizes "hmmm yeah I shouldn't have acted like that," or "yeah my wife is right money is tight now" or whatever the issue is.

Good luck.
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Old 05-08-2009, 03:45 PM   #18  
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I agree with the first half but not to cry?

I don't cry because I'm trying to 'get' something out of him, that sounds silly to me and kind of offensive actually although I'm sure you didn't intend for it to be. I'm not about to address every issue with tears, I certainly don't either. I would never use my 'crying' to try to manipulate him and if he really felt that my raw emotional response after our conversation was just a tool to TOY with him then I think we'd have a bigger issue here. I understand that mindset but with any situation we both talk about it, I don't just burst into tears to make him feel like he needs to do something EVER. That sounds so sleazy to me that any one, man or woman, would do that.
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Old 05-08-2009, 06:07 PM   #19  
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I've been in the same situation with my BF. He used to snap at me after work because he was already stressed out and just wanted to relax (whereas I'm opposite and want to go go go! lol). After all, what is the point of working all day and then coming home to stress some more? That is not a life well spent IMO. In my situation I decided that a relationship shouldn't be that much work, and I shouldn't be tip-toeing around so I don't set him off. He quickly changed when I said that we weren't working out anymore, and doesn't do that anymore.
There's something to say for at least respect for the other person. You don't walk away from someone if they're that upset.
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Old 05-08-2009, 07:07 PM   #20  
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Some years ago I read an article in Oprah Magazine by Dr. Phil in which he gave "directions" to men in what he called "a MANual". Now you may or may not like Dr. Phil, but I really loved this article.

In it he explains why it is so hard for men to just listen, they listen for a nanosecond, then try to come up with solutions to your problem. It is because they are taught from an early age that men are supposed to "fix" things. You are their beloved girlfriend, so they want to fix what is hurting you.

They are also taught that words don't mean much but that ACTIONS do. So if your husband isn't emotionally communicative but takes care of the family and you, what he is telling you in his own way is that he loves you very much. It is just not a way that women understand so much.

The last thing I will mention before posting the link to this article is hopeful. He said that men and women do, in many respects, speak different languages. Men think we cry to try and get something, for example. I know, for me, I cry because I truly cannot help it when I'm angry or frustrated or sad. Believe me I have tried and I do think it is physically impossible. So, of course, men and women misunderstand each other because of this "language" barrier.

But, that said, he gave us hope because -- just like learning French or another foreign language -- we can become fluent in the language of the other sex (and so can the men!)

I did find the article online in case you want to read it.

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200306_phil
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Old 05-11-2009, 03:54 PM   #21  
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Such is life. My boyfriend and I have had our share of differences (we've been together for almost 5 1/2 years and currently live together) and you just have to realize that he's just stressed out and it's not you. I've learned that when he's stressed out, I leave him alone, I'll still cook dinner, and rub his shoulders and if he needs to focus, I just let him be. It sounds like he has soooo much going on in his mind and at work that it's just stress stress stress, so if you just continue to be there for him, it'll get better. Marriage is going to be so much more stressful and when you have kids, 10 times worse. You two just have to figure out how to release your stress without releasing it on each other. It takes a lot of work.
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