So I have some issues I just need to get out. My face and hair are pretty, and then you look south.... and see fat.... ugh. I just really don't like male attention. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for over five years. I used to love flirting with guys in high school when I weighed 135. I was awkward in middle school and kind of blossomed I guess in 9th grade, and for the next three years I just flirted loved getting male attention, then I changed my senior year. I just kind of ignored guys, and started gaining weight. And then my freshman year of college, I was more social and weighed around 163, still flirty, but after I started dating my boyfriend I just started hating male attention, and gained more weight, and now weigh 205. So I guess part of my unwillingless to lose weight is that I don't want unwanted male attention because I do think I'm pretty. And I guess part of the reason why i gained weight is because I don't want others to think so. But the thing is, I still get hit on, even this fat. I'm like WTF? Does that make sense?
I know I have to get over these issues (and I know part of it is I've been sexually assaulted more than once) in order to lose weight, but I don't have access to a therapist and just have my friends and family, and, well, 3FC. So any insight would be very awesome.
On the good side, I ate really well today and my boyfriend and I are going to go for a run tomorrow morning at 6-7am before he goes to school! I've got the eating right part down, I just need to start working out.
Last edited by sunflowergirl68; 04-27-2009 at 02:54 AM.
how come you dont have access to a therapist? If you go to uni there should be free counselling there, or there should be somewhere in your area that offers support. Excellent to hear you have friends and family to support you though.
I was kinda a little the same (i was never assaulted but didnt really want the male attention), i kinda of felt like if i wasnt so heavy then i would be really weak and wouldnt be able to defend myself since i would have no weight to throw around. But its really not the case Losing weight is a gradual process, so you have the chance to slowly work through these issues. I found that because the loss was slow i could adjust and it wasnt a huge shock all at once; I wasnt suddenly confronted with being smaller.
Dont say you have to get over these issues- assault is not something you have to simply get over. Weight loss might become a tool for you to work through the issues the assault brings up
Plus you say you get hit on now, so might as well be happy with your weight and get hit on rather than be unhappy and get hit on, right?
Well, my boyfriend has really helped me work through my issues. And I graduated, and I only have a part-time job as of now, or else I would go to the uni's counseling center. I don't think I need a therapist, it's just a general feeling of discomfort around guys, which in part led me to gain weight. And I was fine with it in high school, I loved it. I'm rambling, but I think a lot of it has to do with not being single anymore. And I live in a college town, so it's kind of unavoidable.
Does your boyfriend have any guy friends that you trust and like? Maybe you could start hanging out with him and them, and gradually build the number of new guys you meet through them. Then you have the security of your boyfriend being there, and being able to gently confront your discomfort in a safe environment?
I am actually really good friends with all of his guy friends (most are in relationships), but I'm comfortable with them because I know they won't hit on me or make an inappropriate comment, partly because we're friends, they respect us, and they're just generally good guys. It's just guys I don't know that makes me really uncomfortable because I don't know what they're going to do, and let's face it, most guys are creepers. I'm really good at just doing the whole "f*ck off" thing but I've had two encounters with the police because of stupid guys.
The first time was at a bar, and I was worried that a friend was going to go home with a strange guy, and long story short, he thought I thought he was going to rape her or something, and screamed in my face and I was scared he was going to hit me (and of course the a**hole bartenders did nothing), and then got verbally harassed by two more guys when I was leaving! I was so shaken up that I called the police department and asked what i could do, and I've only set foot in that bar once after that.
The second time involved a very stupid guy with a replica firearm that he was waving around at me and my friends, so the cops had to be called and he got arrested.
I think it's also partly the town I live in and I can't wait to move out. But there's just this overabundance of douchebags and I think that being overweight is going to somehow ward them off.
Hmm yeah a party town probably isnt going to be full of mature guys with the best intentions. Are there any kind of more upmarket bars or other places where nicer guys might hang out? Maybe some sort of pool bar or something? Although they can be a bit sleezy too, if you can find a nice one you might be able to find some decent guys that arent going to harass you
I know where your coming from, although I've never been physically assaulted, men in general make me very uncomfortable, and always have. Even my family members make me a little uneasy sometimes. I think its just me and my social anxiety, but I don't know why I target men. Maybe its because if they wanted to, they could hurt me, and I don't like the vulnerability. If I pass a woman on the street, I don't feel nearly as guarded as when I pass a man.
I don't appreciate unwanted advances either, so usually when I'm meeting and getting to know someone for the first time, I throw the fact that i have a boyfriend and a child into the conversation. This usually sends a clear message of "I'm off limits".
Well, there are a couple but they're too expensive. I just think i always need to be with my boyfriend and things will be fine.
@Baristamom: I tried that too! and i actually have a boyfriend and if I'm out and he's not with me, the guys don't believe me! it's unbelievable. So now whenever a guy is hitting on me I pretend that I'm a lesbian. haha
First of all, it's possible to attract male attentions even at a larger size, trust me. Some men prefer girls with more meat on their bones. Some of these same men are obviously as creepy as many guys who prefer slender women. So no, it's not weird that you're getting hit on at all. It's perfectly normal. Plus, you said so yourself-you're pretty!
I concur with Iconized_Ghost's suggestion of therapy. I was molested as a child, and I blame that traumatic experience (as well as similar harassment when I was a little older) on a lot of problems in my life. It's not easy to keep these experiences from hurting our bodies and minds. I also know that therapy can be expensive. If you're a student, your uni will probably have a counseling program available to students. There also might be a sexual assault prevention and recovery program on campus as well.
If that doesn't work, can I suggest one more thing? It's going to sound odd, but...yoga. Yoga changed my life. I've had a great experience with a psychiatrist, but even she didn't compare to learning yoga. Beyond supportive friends and family, and myself of course, nothing else has helped more to make me more confident about myself. I took a class at my peak weight (260), and felt more confident about my body and my being than I did when I was 130 in high school.
Last edited by craftykath; 04-29-2009 at 10:36 PM.
Thanks craftykath, I will definitely be trying yoga. I've been working more so I can afford to take classes in town. I did some yoga in college and liked it but it was only once a week. There's a place where I live, 3 months for $180 unlimited, and they're open 7 days/week. So I think i'm gonna sign up there. thanks for the suggestion!
Ugh I know what you mean. I've just moved to this town and there are a lot of creepers. I don't know why I'm so wary of people cause I've never had a bad experience. I kind of feel like I'm stuck at the point were a lot of guys I would never even talk to (you know bum-y, much older, creepy, etc) think they have a chance with me. I know some of my friends who are really fit and where I want to be get approached less because a lot of the guys think they are definitely out of their league.
So I guess packing on the pounds is one way to distance yourself (but might not work), but on the other hand maybe losing weight will do it too? I bet when we are at goal we'd have so much more confidence it'll scare them lol.
Lol ive done the lesbian thing too just slip an arm around a girl friend's waist Usually gets the message across
Hmmmm. I've had the opposite experience. Not on purpose, just had a girlfriend from a different culture where girlfriends might hold hands or dance together. It just got *more* male attention Just beware.
I kinda have struggled with the same thing. I used to feel more vulnerable when I was smaller... like I couldn't defend myself properly or something. Probably came from years of physical abuse (though I'd like to add that it was more physical defense on my part, because I didn't just take it laying down) from my dad. I've always had what seemed like a sign on my forehead that said "Douchebags, punch here"... I can't tell you how many guys have gotten physically agressive with me over the years. Then again... I'm not exactly the most laid back, non-aggressive females out there. lol However... I've come to terms with it in some ways. I realize that my demeanor, my defensiveness itself, probably eggs such situations on. Rather than going before I let them build up that point (and never talking to or seeing them again in the case of someone I know)... I get defensive and ready for a fight.
Also... I'm kinda feeling the whole wanting to stay away from guys thing as well... I've always been an incredibly social flirty chick myself... when I'm out, no matter how big I was, I usually managed to have some guys' attention sexually or whatever. But now that I've found Mr. I think He's Right.... and he's definitely not comfortable with me being heavily flirty with other guys... I find myself not even wanting to be in a situation where a guy will flirt with me. Or, truly (deep down inside), I might be afraid that I'm going to flirt. So I guess that means I don't trust myself..... especially when alcohol is concerned.
It's amazing, the fine line between an actual problem you should seek help for... and a quirk due to your situation and/or environment. I guess all you can do is work hard on becoming who you want to be... and not being in denial for what you really are.
I have some issues...
how come you dont have access to a therapist? If you go to uni there should be free counselling there, or there should be somewhere in your area that offers support. Excellent to hear you have friends and family to support you though.
Losing weight is a gradual process, so you have the chance to slowly work through these issues. I found that because the loss was slow i could adjust and it wasnt a huge shock all at once; I wasnt suddenly confronted with being smaller.
just slip an arm around a girl friend's waist 
Usually gets the message across
Just beware.
