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What would you do??

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Old 11-05-2008, 12:35 PM   #1
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This is going to be kinda long so sorry!


I have an issue that really bothers me. As some people may know by reading my posts, I was always skinny, my whole life. Within the last three years, I have gained 60 pounds. Not bad in 3 years, but since I have such a tiny frame, it really shows. Well, I vent to my boyfriend all the time about how I'm not happy, and how I really want to get serious about losing weight. So far, I have gone to the gym everyday that I planned on going, and I have tried to watch what I eat as much as I can. I really am trying and I'm ready to get back to my old self. The only thing is my boyfriend. Now, dont get me wrong, I love him to death, I wouldnt replace him regardless. But, it just doesnt seem that he supports me very much.

He's in charge of paying the gym bill. I constantly have to remind him to give me money so I can pay it. Then when I mention it, he makes it seem like its a huge deal and he only will give me partial payment, even though he knows I need to pay it in full to keep going. My problem is this, I honestly think he doesnt want to pay the gym bill because he doesnt want me to lose weight. I cannot afford to pay the whole entire thing on my own. If it were just me, I would be able to. I have asked the gym if I could get taken off but since we are in a contract, I have to wait until the contract is over. I know it seems that I am thinking way to into this, but I honestly think he does that. He has made comments before about "how he loves me the way I am" and he doesnt think I need to lose weight. He used to hate when we first started dating that guys would check me out, or wave to me while we were in the car, and since I've gained weight, that really doesnt happen anymore and I think he enjoys the fact that he knows no other guys are looking at me.

Another problem that I seem to have is the fact that he claims he wants to lose weight also (hes not so much overweight, he has a bigger build and he just wants to tone up) and hes always complaining about how he wants to do it so bad. The thing is, is when I complain about my weight or have a breakdown all he says is "ok I'll help you ok dont cry, its ok" but when he complains its like the whole world has to stop so I can listen to him. He has the worst eating habits ever, and he says he wants to get to the gym and workout but he has yet to go. Ive gone all last week and 2 days this week which I have planned (I go every Mon/Wed/Fri) and am doing a great job for myself. I just feel he isnt as motivated as I am and I feel that I am going to fall into his routine of not going and getting back to my old eating habits because I have NO support. He says he supports me but I honestly dont think he does. I really need a good support system so I dont fall into habits and I would really like someone to do what Ive been doing so we can do it together but I dont have anybody.

So my question to everybody is, what would you do in my position? Would you just keep trekking on as Ive been doing and ignore him and try to stay strong, or would you say something about how I want him to get as motivated as me and kick his *** into shape?
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:44 PM   #2
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What would I do? Personally, honey, I'd say there are some deeper issues here. BUT That's not for me to decide, I suppose, so I'll stay away from that but just know that I'm holding back and wish you the best in this situation!!

I think you should look into exercises you can do at home. I do the 30 day shred by jillian michaels. a lot of women on this site have found it helpful, and I feel like I get a much better workout from the 30DS than I have ever gotten at the gym. I used to be really into working out, too, I took a lot of weights classes in college, etc. and this workout is better than anything I've ever tried. Also, you may want to look at what you are eating- try to eat healthier and maybe learn about things like calorie counting (lots of info on this site). Look for things that don't cost money to do, so you can get healthy and thin on your own terms without having to rely on your boyfriend to pay for it !!!

If you want to be healthy and lose weight, it shouldn't be for him or for anyone else it should be for you. And if you really do think he doesn't want you to lose the weight because he's jealous and doesn't want other guys to look at you, you may want to learn about how to get out of a manipulative relationship because all I can say is "been there, done that, never going back!" Okay, I said I wouldn't say anything, but I couldn't help myself. Good luck, you can do it!
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:51 PM   #3
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I think you need to focus on yourself. If he makes healthy changes it will be because HE decides to do it. If you continue making well-intentioned comments about his bad habits, he may feel you are nagging him and that may push him farther away the things you want for him. Nagging is NEVER a good motivation for a man!
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on your own healthy habits. And I think the best way you can motivate him is not by your words, but by letting him see your committment to keeping your own healthy habits, and letting him see your results....weight loss, getting stronger, more confidence, etc.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:01 PM   #4
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Beth Beth is right on, too. Men learn by example. My husband has been working out a lot more now that I have committed to a workout routine and I never said a word. If I had said, "you should work out too" or anything like that, I can guarantee he'd still be playing video games instead of working out!
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:02 PM   #5
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carcar- Other than the whole weight/gym issue, there really arent any other problems. We've been going out for 3 years, just when it comes to the weight, its really hard for me. If you would rather PM me and talk, thats fine if you dont want to say anything publicly that you dont want to be seen. I dont feel he is "manipulating" me, I just feel he doesnt understand how important this is to me because its not happening to HIM. You know how they always say guys dont understand what us women are thinking!!

As far as doing things on my own, Ive been trying. Ive looked for some meal delivery plans, but couldnt find any in my price range, so Ive settled for finding those SmartOnes meals, Lean Cuisine, etc. Ive looked into trying to get a treadmill for the house but cant afford that either. (Itd hard being a full time college student haha). Ive looked into the 30 day shred but dont know much about it and dont feel like I would get a good workout from it.

Ive talked to my mom about this to since I still live at home and she said the same thing. I should do this because I want to not because of anybody else. I have always put myself first when it comes to anything, but I just wish I had a little bit better of a support system. I tend to get lazy if I'm not pushed, and at this point I'm basically pushing myself. If he does in fact go to the gym, its once a week, or once every couple weeks. I think deep down it annoys me because I want us to both be healthy and live a little bit of healthier lives.

I know this isnt a relationship forum, but I just needed to know if I should carry on doing what Im doing since its working for me and ignore his habits or motivation until he wants to, or say something.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:09 PM   #6
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You can only change yourself. You can not change him. Sure, it is easier to be good when you're with someone who's being good too. But it doesn't make it impossible. You are the one who put food in your mouth and you are the one who does go to the gym (or not...).

You may very well be right with your thoughts about your boyfriend and his attitude to your weight loss. Or, you may not be right. There is no way to know for sure when you don't ask him, really. At least, that is what I would do. Having a good talk about it will hopefully clear a few things up.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:15 PM   #7
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We have talked about it and when I mentioned one day about him not paying the gym bill he said thats not the case at all, he just forgets about it because we dont get a statement in the mail, its just when we remember (or forget for that matter)

Im in no way bashing our relationship, its the best relationship I have ever had and he bends over backwards for me, spoils me to death and goes to the end of the world and back for me. I just really would like to be on the same page as being healthy because I feel that we should be healthy anyways.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:22 PM   #8
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You say you could afford the gym if it was just you. This tells me that you must have some kind of family plan with both of you on it. Can your gym change your family plan into two single plans? Point out to the gym that they will make more money off it that way. Then just leave him to pay his own. Or you could just pay for half the membership fee. If the plan is in his name and he won't pay it, just stop going there, and go to a different gym, or sign up under your own name.
It sounds as if he is doing everything he can to keep the weight on you. If you're still together when the gym membership expires, DO NOT sign up with him again!
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:28 PM   #9
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Many men worry that if you lose weight you will become attractive to some one else. Men are so insecure.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:37 PM   #10
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kofarq- I have tried this with the gym. They refuse to take me off the contract. I told them that I would be able to pay it every month, they could just take it right outta my account but they said "corporate" will not allow them to do this. I pointed out that they would make more money but they just wont do it for me. My mom actually gave me her lifetime membership (o by the way we go to Ballys) and they said all I would have to do is pay $99 dollars to the year, but when they looked up my name they saw I was already in a contract with them and said I had to wait until it was over before I sign up again.

The only reason I stay there is because its literally 2 seconds away from my house and all the other gyms are 20+ minutes away and not as big and kind of scummy in my opinion.

bargoo- I think your right about men being insecure. I think thats where its mostly coming from, his insecurity. I think he thinks if I lose all this weight again Im going to up and leave him. Not the case at all, but you try telling boys that haha. He was insecure when I met him, which I dont blame him because his last gf before me cheated on him and put him into serious debt. So I kinda see where hes coming from but he needs to turn it around to see where IM coming from.
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:05 PM   #11
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I think not just people we're in a relationship with, but other people in our lives can feel threatened when you start to make all these big life changes...like going to the gym more, eating healthier...for a lot of people it can be a huge turnaround from how they used to be before and old relationships sometimes feel like they won't (or can't) fit into your new lifestyle.

I mean...it's completely possible he just forgets to pay the bill...but if he's expressed an interest in toning up and getting healthier maybe you could try making an effort to really include him in the things you do. If he responds, great. If not, don't let it hinder your efforts. It sounds like you've been doing great so far!
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:07 PM   #12
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Reading your post is like reading a story i wrote! lol...I am 23 and when i got married 4 years ago I loved the way I looked , i was a cheerleader and dancer in highschool , i was always fit. Well when i got married and moved out of my normal surroundings the weight came on quick !~ I gained 50 lbs in 4 months!~ I partially blame this on birth control, which i dont take anymore.
Since this weight gain i just absolutely 100% do not feel like myself. So i know where your coming from.Its like once youve been thin and no what it feels like you really want that back. I also cut hair at a male salon and being around men all day I know how it is to be treated by them when im fit and when im on the heavier side, and the sad truth is theirs a big difference. Theres also a big difference with my confidence to.

My hubby also says 'i love you just the way you are, your gorgeous and perfect to me'. 'dont change for me, change for you'. He also never gives me that push that I beg for from him to lose weight. We have sat down and had long talks over this. This is the fact of the matter, my husband and probally your bf, love us just the way we are, if we gained 100 lbs they'd still love us, granted we wouldnt be healthy but they would love us. Men dont want to hurt our feelings there not going to say go lose weight. they're just not. If we lose 50 lbs , there going to be very proud of us but dont expect them to express it a whole lot. remember they see us everyday to so they will see it gradually fall off and will become use to the new us. I ve also had talks to my hubby about not wanting me to lose weight. He has admitted that he was afraid men would look at me more and he would lose me. I thought it was some sick joke. I was glad he admitted his insecurities though and i reassured him that would never happen. your bf already thinks the world of you and is probally dealing with his own insecurites. In his mind you are gorgeous whether you feel that way or not , if you lose weight to him youll just be walking eye candy! lol...i think he just needs subliminal reassurance.
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:34 PM   #13
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I had gained about 20 pounds after my bf and I started dating, not all at once but just gradually through the last couple years. I'm back down to where I was when we started dating now, and I still want to lose more. Before I lost the weight my bf actually told me that he noticed I've gained weight and it had been bothering him (mind you I had to DRAG this out of him) and he'd "appreciate" if I was the same weight i was when we started dating. I had already started losing before he said this, for my own reasons, and now that I'm back down 18 pounds, he's no longer supportive of me losing like he was. He has started acting jealous and honestly we've really grown apart in the last month. I don't know if he wanted me to be skinnier but still a little fat- fat enough no one else would want me?

Our issues go deeper than just our lifestyles and my weightloss, and I've decided when I graduate in 5 weeks and I'm able to move out that I'll be ending the relationship. If he can't even support me when I want to lose weight, whats going to happen later in life when there's kids and real (not that weightloss isn't a real issue but honestly there's tougher obstacles I'm sure to encounter) issues? Maybe you should ask your bf that.. to put it in perspective?
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Last edited by kelli32 : 11-05-2008 at 02:35 PM.
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:38 PM   #14
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Just a quick FYI- 30 day shred is literally the best workout I've had, and like I said, I used to be a very dedicated exerciser working out a LOT. Actually health science was my minor in college, so i had to work out a lot. This work out works because it is the circuit method, works better then an hour of running for me! I can not afford a gym membership, so I've tried lots of different at home methods and it's by far and away the best I've tried. I kid you not in 1 week I've lost an inch on my waist, hips and actually on my thighs as well. It's less than $15! Of course, you may not like it, but maybe check it out from the library to at least try it. No harm done in giving it a shot, right?

And I'm sorry if I over stepped a boundary there, it just bothers me to see girls feeling like they have to do things one way so their husbands/boyfriends don't get jealous etc. You may not be in that situation, obviously it's none of my business. Just remember that you owe it to yourself to be healthy and fit, so just keep at it!
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Old 11-05-2008, 02:59 PM   #15
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Thanks for all the answers girls!

carcar- You in no way stepped over a boundary. I know what you are trying to say.

I agree with alot of what everybody is saying that maybe it makes him scared thinking Im going to be leaving him. I met him when Im skinny, so Id obviously stay with him regardless of my weight. I think too, I agree that he does see me everyday so to him hes grown to love whatever I look like regardless if Im a million pounds or 100. I know he loves ME for ME but I want to love me as much as he does.

I might give the 30 day shred a try. Ive never heard of it but I will do some research and find some stuff out and give it a try. It doesnt hurt to do some stuff on my off days of the gym to see if I like it enough to not go to the gym.

I have come to the point where no matter what anybody says, Im doing this for ME and I could care less if anybody has a say in it. Ive done this good so far by myself so If I just stay focused with everything, I know I'll finally get to the weight I want to be at!!
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