[Here we go again]

I'm so worried about my mom. She has been starving herself the last two months. She's lost 29 pounds, no exercising and barely eating.

She's done this all of her life. She'll lose a lot of weight, very unhealthily, and then gain it all back. Her health is so bad b/c of it.

Today she sent me an email and told me that she has to lose 10 pounds so she can fit into her clothes for work. I told her that she needs to do it healthily b/c I'm concerned for health. She made an interesting comment. She said that she wants me to keep my weight off and not be like her. Weight is harder to get off the older you get. She also said that she's glad I'm doing it the healthy way. Which doesn't make sense to me!!! She's glad that I'm doing it the healthy way, but she can't do it? My mom is only 51 and has been in the hospital a lot. I'm scared that she's putting her own nails in the coffin.

What can I say to help her? What can I do?

[rubbytummy]

That's a really tough situation. I wish there were a great answer to it -- I'm in a similar situation: my mother was diagnosed with diabetes several months ago, and must lose weight and completely cut out all refined sugar/carbs in order to reduce serious health risks. Yet she hasn't lost any weight since she was first diagnosed, and frequently when we chat she'll mention fairly serious cheats on her diet (alcohol, chocolate -- not appropriate for a diabetic!)

I've told her I'm concerned and have just tried to be as supportive as I can, telling her about my diet and workout routine to try to inspire her and let her know that she has an ally in the weight loss arena. I also frequently pass on my favorite veggie-heavy recipes as a little nudge.

I think offering support and inspiration is the best thing you can do -- if you live close enough, cook meals healthy meals with her, offer to be her workout buddy, try to influence her with your healthy routine. Otherwise, keep an open and supportive dialogue going and try to inspire her with your life changes. (And maybe introduce her to 3fc!)

[Here we go again]

Rub- I wish I did live closer to her. I live in CA and she lives in Arkansas. It's about 2,000 miles. I am going to see her for Christmas. I know that we are the children, but you would think our moms would listen to us. It's so frustrating.

[Elwing]

Can't you send her something to encourage her to follow a more healthy diet? Something that focuses on what you should eat instead of what you should not eat? And says stuff about exercise? A book, for example? I can't give you a good title because I mainly use Dutch books. But I often use the website www.mediterasian.com to pick food and it helps me a lot. I think they have a book too. There is such a large range of diet titles, it should not be hard to pick something that you think will appeal to her.

When it's a gift she can hardly refuse it. You could also say that you are really concerned about her health, and that you would feel a lot more secure about her when she reads the book and tries to act on what it says. Or maybe you could start an email conversation about your diet. You could possibly give her a good example? I'm just throwing around ideas here.

I understand that it is hard for you to see your mother treat her health this way.. I really hope she comes to her senses, and switches to a more holistic and maintainable diet plan!

[HeatherMcG]

I can remember being 16 or 17 and finding diet pills in my mom's purse. I gave her the lecture of a lifetime. I asked her why she being the parent turned to using these? Wasn't she supposed to be setting the example? Needless to say I flushed the darn things and she apologized. Weird how this works isn't?

[Here we go again]

I know it's like we have become the parents! I talked to my mom and she's lost 30 pounds in a month! I think she's eating 500 cals per day. I'm really worried about her.

[yoyoma]

Have you told her how much you worry about her health? How happy you would be to know she is making her health a priority over a short-term fix that won't stick? How much you want her to be around for a long time?

She might give some serious thought to the repercussions of her actions and I think that's your best bet for influencing her behavior.

She is blessed to have someone who cares so much. I hope it works out for you both.

(BTW, I'm much closer to your Mom's age than yours.)

[Elwing]

To be honest - that sounds more like an eating disorder than like "just" yo-yo dieting. I can imagine that you're worried, especially because the distance makes it impossible to get a good talk about it. Does she still live with your dad? Could you possibly ask him (or someone else) to keep an eye on her food habits? I hope for your and your mother's sake that she'll soon understand that she is toying with her health in this way...

[yoyonomoreinvegas]

Oh gosh - I am the same age as your mom and have battled the bulge since I was a child. Yoyoing from really high weights to scary skinny weights (and, of course, all the way back to the highest). Most of my life I could lose significant amounts of weight by starving (the 500 calories or less a day) and taking OTC diet pills; or indulging in binging and purging . Until one day, my body said "enough" and started latching on to every single little calorie I put in my mouth and I could actually GAIN on those measly 500 calories. I'm pretty sure some of what I gained was bloaty water weight because my kidneys were just too tired from lack of nourishment to do their jobs. Then, along came menopause. I almost fell for the excuse of "it's impossible lose weight after menopause". Thank goodness I didn't.

I don't know your mom but sometimes when we've been "career" dieters for sooooo long, we tend to think we know everything about weight loss and we think we know what it's going to take for our bodies to get the weight off. It takes a real "aha" moment (or, as I like to say - in my case it was more of an AAH moment ) for us to let our minds open up and learn some new things, the right things. Unfortunately, you can't force your mom to have an "aha" moment - and lecturing or bugging her might not do anything but make her resentful because she is sure she knows her own body better than you do - In fact, even if you were to copy this post and send it to her, she'd probably be thinking "how nice for her but" all the things I'm doing "would never work" for her. Also, when we've gotten used to being able to lose really fast, we have a hard time with having the patience it takes to do the slow and steady healthy weight loss thing.

I guess I'm not really being much help here - I don't have the definitive "tell her this" answer but, hopefully, if I've been able to give you a little insight into how she might be thinking, it'll give you some ideas of how to approach her. Maybe you can start by at least getting her to take a good multi-vitamin. Supplements are not a substitute for good nutrition but they are better than nothing if she's not eating.

How would you feel about telling her about 3FC? Even after I first joined I was making excuses right and left about why some of the suggestions I got wouldn't work for me, but something in all those success stories (and reading posts from others who were going through exactly the same things as I was) finally clicked and were a real catalyst in getting me to continue making healthy changes one by one until I'm really close to being the completely happy, much healthier, much fitter person I was always wishing I could be.

Best of luck I hope she comes to realize what an intelligent daughter she's raised and starts listening to you soon

[Here we go again]

Yoyo- Thank you so much. The way you described yourself makes me think of my mom. She won't listen to me right now, but I have been talking to her about how I've lost weight and she'll listen, but i know she's thinking, that's good for you but not me w/o her saying it. Thank you for your last comment, I really appreciate it. I may buy her a healthy supplement, she'll use it if I buy it. I am concerned for her, but I know that she 's only able to keep it up like this for a few months and then she'll start eating again. Even though that concerns me too, at least she'll be getting nutrition again. My parents are not together but she does have a new husband. They've been married a year and i don't feel comfortable talking to him behind my mom's back. She'll take to the wrong way if she finds out and I don't know him well enough to know if he'll tell her. As far as her being invited here, I've told her about it a few times, but she really hasn't been interested. Now, I don't know if I want her on here, she may not be happy with this thread or this post. I know that's selfish of me.

El- What classifies an eating disorder? Do you think that's what she has?

Yo- I have told her that I'm worried about her health. She's already had so many issues and i'm afraid her body can't take another one.

Thank you all so much for your help and advice. I don't know what I would do without you all!

[Elwing]

With the stuff you told about her, it is a possibility. But it is also very well possible that she does not have an eating disorder and is just quite obsessed with dieting at the moment. There are different types of eating disorders with each their own definitions. Important elements are misperception of body weight, misperception of diet measures and extreme behaviour in relation to these two. The thoughts about dieting seem to be completely distorted and separate from reality. Binge eating is also a behaviour that is frequently associated with an eating disorder. (By binge eating I do not mean just an overindulgence every once in a while, but true binges with large amounts of calories consumed.)

Of course, the line between "normal" and "disordered" is very, very thin. It's all about definitions. Luckily the chance of an eating disorder is way slimmer than "just" a not-so-healthy way of dieting. Still, it would be unwise not to consider the possibility.

Also, to be able to see anything truely worthwhile about her chances of an ED she should see a doctor about it. It's not possible (luckily) to diagnose something like this over the internet.