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Old 04-24-2008, 02:29 AM   #1
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so, has anyone ever found themselves in a glaringly unhealthy relationship that they cling to for unknown reasons??

thats pretty much where i'm finding myself right now.

my boyfriend and i dated last year - broke up. then got back together last oct. he moved in with me in december.

background - he was a marine when we met. got out over the spring and was staying on friend's couches and not working. i let him move in with me and then eventually told him he needed to get a job because i was tired of coming home work all the time and having him still in my robe and playing video games.

so he got a customer service job that he says he likes because he can "wear whatever i want and there isnt a lot of expectations." he tried to rejoin the marines but they wouldnt let him back in. (!)

i then told him he needed to be pursuing something in life and encouraged him to follow his dreams. he decided to go to school. he dropped out after 3 weeks - it was "too much" to do because after work he was wanted to play his video games and it was getting in the way.

he recently started picking up around the house after i started screaming. he pays for internet in the apartment because he needs it for his video games, but otherwise - my job provides the apartment, utilities, groceries, furniture, etc...

but - he says he loves me, he can be really sweet, we generally get along pretty well but ultimately have very little in common other than a mutual interest in each other for unknown reasons.

well, a few weeks ago i found that he had an online personals ad up that he was very active on. i called him on it - we fought. we agreed to work through it.

then on saturday my engine in my car blew up. my credit isnt great, i still owe on the paper weight of a car i now i have and have zero savings. also, no way to work without him.

but on Monday - i find MORE personal ads! i make my way into his email and see he is actively emailing 18 year old girls!! i pack up all his stuff, he comes home from work, we fight it out. he cries, he swears it means nothing and he is doing it because he gained 40lbs since we've been together and uses these girls' attention to make him feel attractive. he likens it to porn. - selfish gratification. (but WE met on MATCH!) he seems ssoo genuinely sorry... but at the same time, really distant.

enough for me to want to kick him out. but i still love him. i think. also - im entirely STUCK without a car!!!!!! i looked into buses, cabs, friends... none of it will work out!!!

so he is still here. i dont know what to do!!! *wails*
i've been crying all the time, i feel so betrayed, i want to believe him that he wont do it anymore but how can i trust that!?
why is it that i'm only 24 years old but i feel like he is the last chance i have at love. what if i pass him up and i'm single forever? what if this really is as good as it gets??? "all men cheat" supposedly - so why should i flip out like this? is it really cheating? - he says no. i say yes!

ugh!!!!!

does anyone have experience buying cars with sub prime credit? think 590-620 range - no bankruptcy or repo's or anything of that sort....

does anyone know this feeling of being utterly attached to someone you know you shouldnt be??

any sage advice for me??
please?
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Old 04-24-2008, 02:55 AM   #2
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I would kick him out -- immediately. He's a loser if you had to demand for him to get a job AND clean up. He should be getting his self-esteem boosts from YOU. You're his girlfriend, and you're pretty much supporting him. I would never, ever, ever support a man. Never. Love isn't even worth supporting a man for.

He's using you, so I'd use him (for rides) until you get your car situation figured out. I don't know about the car buying thing. I have excellent credit and bought one brand new. Can you get it fixed? Maybe a rental car until it's fixed? Maybe try Craigslist or the classified to find some cheap but reliable car until you can buy a new one? You're away from home, right? So having one of your parents/relatives co-sign isn't an option?

It's not your last chance for love. I just broke up with a guy a few weeks ago and I'm already seeing someone else. I always say I'm not going to start worrying about finding a serious relationship for a few more years.
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Old 04-24-2008, 03:08 AM   #3
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yeah, way across the country from *anybody*. for being here for as long as i have been, i know very few reliable people. i have a fair amount of people who i "know" but no one i could call on for any kind of help. ugh.

i hate that im still so attached to him. im jealous of women who can just get mad and be done with a guy. I dont get mad... i get hurt, then i try to be better, then i get sick to my stomach thinking of losing him. aahhhh!
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Old 04-24-2008, 03:40 AM   #4
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Yeah, I dumped the last guy because he called me a drama queen. I'm not at all a drama queen, and that made me so mad that I told him not to call me again. I guess that was sort of dramatic, but it's a rarity.

Why are you so hung up on him? It looks like he's not worthy of you -- you can do SO much better. You deserve better. And on top of that, he's checking out other options? He's definitely not "as good as it gets." There's much, much, much better.

It'll hurt for awhile, but since he's not contributing anything but a ride and the internet, you'll be better off without all the grief he's giving you.

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Old 04-24-2008, 06:48 AM   #5
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I have a lot to say on this...but have to get to work...I'm definitely following up tonight...but I agree with Harpo - get your stuff together and get him out of there...use him for the ride for a week or two until you get the car thing figured out...but he sounds more like a compulsive liar...one who doesn't have any aspirations or desire to get off the couch...btw, I hate video games as my b/f is addicted...but my hate is going to be moving on soon....cause I'll be moving out eventually....mentally, I'm done with it....the good news is he does actually go to work....
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Old 04-24-2008, 07:53 AM   #6
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Kick him out! He needs to straighten out his life himself, you've tried to help him but assuming he's around your age, not going to school and having to force someone to get a job because they play video games all day shows he needs to do some growing up before he can be in a serious relationship.

You can always stay friends, but keep your ground. Do not give in to him, IMO it is cheating as he is out there looking for other people. Like someone said, he should getting his self confidence from you, not from some 18 year olds he's never met.

Oh and assuming that's you in your avatar, you'll have no trouble finding love. You're beautiful, and I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have you.
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Old 04-24-2008, 08:51 AM   #7
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Kate... I'm with the consensus here. It's not bad enough that he's wholly dependent on you and seemingly irresponsible, he's ALSO apparently trying to cheat on you. If he feels unattractive, he shouldn't be looking to other women to make him feel better! That's such weird logic!

I have to say, I think it's really saying something with the Marines WON'T TAKE HIM BACK. You know how desperate they are for soldiers, right? And they *turned this guy down.*

This isn't your last chance for love.... you definitely deserve better than this guy. Isn't he the same one you posted about a while back who had no interest in sex with you? You didn't mention it as an issue so hopefully it got resolved, but if not, it's just another thing...

Do you have a coworker who might be able to give you a lift temporarily? Or I agree with the craigslist option, or classifieds. I know you said you don't have savings but I don't think you're going to be able to finance a car without credit. Or maybe you could get a guarantor? Like if someone vouches for you and puts their credit up, as assurance that you'll pay? I think that would be possible, no? Otherwise I bet you could still qualify for a tiny little bank loan that would be enough to cover a used car. I bought a car for $1200 once and it ran for two years, then just silently died....

You're beautiful, you have a great personality, you deserve better! Good luck!
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Old 04-24-2008, 09:00 AM   #8
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Kate,
I was posting with very, very similar issues earlier this year.
1 -- it was scary to think that my relationship, the one I'd dedicated 2 years to, was a mistake. By breaking up with him, I was admitting failure. That was unfathomable to me.
2 -- we got along most of the time! it was just than dang $$ he owes me...well, that led to resentment, lack of sex, lack of respect...he tried to work for a while but it was in real estate, which doesn't really pay and is fraught with diappointment.
3 -- living together means we had established quite the routine. I was afraid to break it.

BUT, with the help of this site (amanda, you know who I'm lookin at!) as well as my therapist, as well as ALL of my friends and family, I finally broke up with him, though we are still living together because of $$.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain. As for the car, my credit was still good when I bought my car, though now it's not (thank you very much, John.) But, now that I think about it, John found a car on CL that was $3000, he just paid for it straight out, and it seems OK. I'd go with CL. Some of the dealers don't do credit checks.

Good luck!!

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Old 04-24-2008, 09:29 AM   #9
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KateRN, you really need to take care of yourself! Since I'm a mom, I like to think of situations like this as "would I want this for my daughter?" I know you can't relate to that at this point, but would you want your sister, mom, best friend, anyone, to put up with that?

Personally, I think it's bad enough that you are supporting him, but I LOVE his way of repaying you, scoping out the scene to see if there's anything better out there he might latch on to. I hate to say that, because I know you have feelings for him. But UNFORTUNATELY, there are a LOT of lazy men out there who consciously or subconsciously take advantage of loving, giving women. I also hate to say it, but a lot of us have a less than healthy self-esteem because of our weight issues, which makes us prime targets for this type of guy.

You are a lovely person, and there is no reason why you should settle for someone who not only does not contribute to the life you deserve, but also undermines you by looking elsewhere. When I met my dh, I was the 32 year old single mother of a 2 year old(the product of a man just like your boyfriend), and weighed almost 300 lbs. I am a great lady, however, which dh noticed, and we have been fantastically in love and happy for 5 years. My daughter calls him daddy! ;o)

As far as the car situation, I have been through that as well. You can most definitely get a car loan, the only problem is you will probably pay a much higher interest rate. Small price to pay, IMO!!! Start by calling your own bank. They probably won't give you the loan, but they may have ideas. Then call some dealerships. Just tell them the situation and they will lead you in the right direction!

You can move on and BE HAPPY! The only sure thing is, that WILL NOT happen till you find the strength to get to know yourself and love yourself enough not to put up with this kind of crap.

BIG HUG! sorry so long...Im also an RN )
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Old 04-24-2008, 09:35 AM   #10
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I would say kick him out! I know how it is when you are in such a routine and it feels like the world would end without that person. I just recently got divorced after 3 years of marriage where I didn't have to work and could just go to school, but him being military we moved and so I didn't have a degree to start a job on or even a job at all! I had to pick myself up and decide that I could stay in a marriage where we both weren't happy and he persued outside ways of making him happy and have the niceties(sp?) or just get up and decide enough is enough take your stuff and leave.

I am much happier now, I have a sense of accomplishment that I could do that and that I can survive with out him. I had the same feelings that you are having that this is my last shot at love since who would want a 21 yearold that was married for 3 years and is divorced..Divorced at 21, but then I stopped, and with the help of my sisters, thought if that is something that someone hears and is immediately turned away without hearing the backround then they aren't worth my time!

You are beautiful and you are kind and obviously daring to move across the country to work! You will find someone that is good enough for you.

As for the car thing I would use him until you get that figured out since he was using you for a place to crash and play his video games. When I was 18 I got a small loan for a car it was like 4500 or something and it was over five years and the monthly payments were like 126 and I highly doubt I had any credit then! haha good luck
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Old 04-24-2008, 10:18 AM   #11
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What a situation you are in! I agree with the others, you deserve better than this guy. As for whether to kick him out or keep him around to use his car while he's there, I think it depends on whether you will be able to 'move on' with him still there or if his presence is going to make that impossible. I'd definitely be tempted to make the most of the situation given your car issues, but at the same time, having this guy out of your life might be a breath of fresh air and well worth the scrambling for transportation.

Whatever you do, definitely start saving as much cash as you can so you can get a new car. craigslist is definitely a good option, as would be local newspaper listings, bulletin board postings and even ebay has cars for sale. I would look into borrowing from a local credit union perhaps, definitely at least get some quotes from different places to find out exactly what kind of interest rate you're looking at, and figure out how much car you can afford. In the meantime maybe look into public transportation in your area, or maybe you could find a carpool? Maybe a coworker would be willing to give you a ride if you chipped in on their gas or something? Good luck! There are definitely inexpensive cars out there that run ok if you look for em, I sold my old car for 700 bucks and it was still running fine, no major issues. It just had a lot of miles on it, had some dents and scratches and was 6 years old. So I'm sure you can find something if you look hard enough. Good luck!
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:06 PM   #12
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Quote:
why is it that i'm only 24 years old but i feel like he is the last chance i have at love. what if i pass him up and i'm single forever? what if this really is as good as it gets??? "all men cheat" supposedly - so why should i flip out like this? is it really cheating? - he says no. i say yes!
this part of your original post really struck me. It seems like you are staying with him out of fear. It is not good to make any sort of life decision out of fear. You should be wanting to stay with him because you want to be with him, not because your afraid not to be.

Do you think about him all day, does he give you butterflyes, is he PERFECT to you....if not I don't think he's worth it.

You deserve someone that is crazy about you who treats you right...you don't have to settle. I think that it is better to be alone and happy than in an unhealthy relationship. I have alot of respect for many women who are alone in their 50's...they did not settle and marry the next semi-decent man they ran into in their 30's to conform to societies standards. They say I want someone who I'm crazy in love with who gives me butterflies or it's not worth it.

You also need to ask yourself why you put up with this behavior...not to be selfrightout or anything but I've discontinued seeing guys over alot less. You really teach people how to treat you and by staying with your boyfriend throughout all this crap you are telling him that it's alright to treat you like that.

Also from what you said it doesn't sound like he really loves you...imo actions speak MUCH louder than words...if he loved you, you would know it and wouldn't doubt it. It is VERY easy to tell when a guy is in love with you because they act all crazy and crap. IF he loved you he would be making a vallant effort to get his life on track so that he could take care of you. Leaving you the burden of caring for him financially is not somehting someone that loves you does.
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:14 PM   #13
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I guess my question is: how many chances does he GET?

You've already confronted him about the personals. If that didn't scare him into a reality check, then what will?? He KNEW you were upset enough to confront him and he did it AGAIN? I don't care what his excuse is. His excuse IS that he doesn't care enough about you or your feelings to do as you ask.

Technically, as he provides NOTHING for your house, he is a GUEST. And you as the HOST have every right to kick him out whenever you want. This is a GROWN MAN we're talking about! Not a teenager! He has been given numerous chances, numerous "talkings-to" etc etc etc... time to put the trash to the curb.

Love is a wonderful thing... but it also makes you BLIND! You see everything, but you have some kind of hidden blinders on so you don't see the IMPACT that it has.

Kick him out. Irregardless you'll still be without a car. And maybe without the BAGGAGE you'll be free to find someone else... maybe someone else who is more than willing to help you get to work every day.

As for credit--- my hubby had HORRIBLE credit when we met. No bankruptcies or repos, but negligent on paying credit cards, cards cancelled, etc etc. We worked on it and got everything paid off, and RIGHT after his engine died too. And he owed some money on it.

BUT--- he was willing to drive a junker car in the meantime... He was able to secure a small line of credit around 4,000 from a car dealership to get a lower end car to transport him in the meantime (I loaned him the money to pay off the dead car that he owed on--- took over his finances and had myself paid back in a few months)

But you have a very good chance to get financed through a dealership if you get a very low end used car--- they have to jump through some hoops, but he got financed.

You have ZERO savings?? None at all? Even if you had a few hundred bucks, you might browse the Craigslist ads in your area for a MEGA junker car... just so you have something in the meantime. Humbling though it may be....
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:53 PM   #14
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I am in this exact same situation basically.. been with this guy for 6.5 years, and I've found personal ads he's put out.. also found cybersex conversations hes had with other women... we are still together.. because he always acts really really sorry and cries etc. but my self esteem has gotten really low, and I always feel like an old, unattractive, woman.. but im only 22! Every time we make up, I tell myself, NEXT time.. I'm leaving him, for sure. I'm probably the worst person to be giving advice about this, but just know you're not alone
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Old 04-24-2008, 02:55 PM   #15
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He's sorry because he has no where else to go. He's sorry because you take care of him like a mother and he doesn't want to lose that. I don't think he's sorry because he loves you. He's using you, sweety.

You gotta wash that man right outta your hair and send him on his way!
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