Ok, here's a subject I'd love to get some feedback on: sex and weight gain/body image issues. I've gained about five pounds in the past few months (which is nothing compared to what I've gained over the past few years, but that's a whole other topic!). Anyway, I'm seeing someone in my home town, and the last couple of time I've visited I've used any method possible to stave off physical contact because I'm feeling really badly about my body. It's not like I don't want to, because believe me I do. Before I met this guy I went three years without sex because I was so ashamed of my appearance, but I don't want to go down that road again - it's pretty lonely- and I really like this guy. So here's my question, does anyone else have this problem of reluctance to be intimate when they've gained weight, and if so how do you deal with it and move on!?!
I gotta say, if they've been keen to see you again, I'm guessing they think you are GORGEOUS! I started dating my current significant other at my highest weight, and honestly, he said he loved it. So that gave me a confidence boost. I was so, so unwilling to let him even touch me before that.
I know it is very cliche, but other people generally don't see the faults we do. And it is hard to be confident about your attractiveness after a weight gain, but I think if you just do it, it won't be so bad ^_^
I know exactly how you feel! I remember when I was in college, I thought I was some hot stuff. Haha, so I had no problem putting myself out there (going on dates, meeting new people, getting intimate). But as I started to gain weight I felt like I was becoming more reluctant to being close and intimate to someone, I felt ashamed.
Think of it this way, this guy obviously finds you attractive and wants to be close to you. It may not sound like a lot, but that alone is a big honor, and he thinks you're worthy of that.
This works for me too sometimes. Have you ever had a day where you felt good about yourself, but then you looked in the mirror and was disappointed? Then for the rest of the day you felt a bit down? I had days where I didn't look in the mirror. I just didn't. Maybe to put my contacts in and do a bit of make-up, but I made a point not to look at my body. I just let how I FELT control how I acted, without looking in the mirror. And that confidence helped me to be willing to be more intimate.
And lastly. This helped me a few times when I was having a rough time moving forward with a person when I was a bit reserved. Ask him "What do you like about my body?" Ask in an innocent way, while you're laying down together, maybe cuddling or something. He'll start pointing things out he loves about your body, that maybe you hate! "I love your tummy, because it's so beautiful" and soon enough he'll make you feel so beautiful all over! But sometimes guys aren't too fond of answering that question, so I only really went to that question if I was really trusting in the guy and he knew me quite well.
I hope any of those help! But if anything, I hope it helps to know you're not alone. I still have troubles in that area when I feel bad about myself. But we've got to deal with what we have now, not with what we hope to have "in a few months, or a year". Good luck!
I know where you are coming from Ive had these issues myself, many a time and at different weights!! The best piece of advise I ever had was actually from an old boyf when i was having a day where i just wouldnt let him touch me, he said " do you really think that I cant see and feel your curves through your clothes?" and that really helped me. Our clothes dont disguise that much at all, they KNOW whats underneath and still want to see us naked anyway!
I have days when I feel awful, and Im never going to be strolling around the house naked - BUT the right guy can make you feel completley different about your body, i feel ok about my body when it comes to being intimate with this guy.
OMG! yes i know how you feel!!! This has been my issue for awhile now. I have killed relationships, even one's that haven't gotten off the ground, just because i knew it would end up intimate and i wasn't feeling my body. When i was younger i had no problem, but in the past 3-4 years that i've gained tons of wt,i couldn't help but feel BLAH! Not too long ago i realized the only way to really change that is to lose weight so that i may feel better about myself and therefore can have an intimate relationship with out running for the hills! It can be trying at time, but i know with the next possible relationship im just going to go with it forget what bumps/lumps/curves are there. Good luck! Thanks for the great thread!
I opened this thread thinking you were going to ask if there was a correlation between having sex and gaining weight... I was thinking... well, if you're pregnant! Threw me off for a minute.
My husband and I started dating when I was at my lowest adult weight, and I'm back at my high weight now (up 30 lbs). I do feel uncomfortable sometimes naked around him, and I certainly know there is a difference in the frequency of sex and my perceived enjoyment. When we have sex I am forced to deal with the realities of my body and all of its flaws... So instead of putting myself through that, I just act uninterested and he's gracious enough to give me space. But it's not something I want to have to do forever.
I like the comment "you think your clothing hides everything?"... Clothing disguises but can't hide. The guy knows what he's doing... You're not going to take off your clothes one day and he's going to think, "OMG! I didn't realize she wasn't stick-thin!" I don't think you should forget about your hesitancy if you're not comfortable, but it certainly shouldn't stop you from keeping the relationship going. There are lots you can do that don't involve nekkidness (as hard as it may be to figure out what those are ). While you work on accepting your body and getting comfortable with him, you'll also be working on weight loss, which will help the other two things fall in line sooner!
Good points so far. I also wanted to add that at 5'6" and 157 pounds you probably aren't even close to obese. You're probably pretty good looking! I'm sure your guy thinks so, or he wouldn't be pursuing you!
i've been married for 6 years and put on alot of weight plus have the dreaded post baby body and yet my hubby still wants to see me nekkid.
he tries to make me feel sexy some days even if i end up feeling like a piece of meat. he's more accepting of my body than i am.
I met my husband when I was at my lowest weight. 5 years later and 50 lbs heavier (and no kids!) he still enjoys seeing me nekkid too! When I first realized that I was getting heavier and heavier I kind of got depressed and didn't want to have sex all that often. He was great and would still make me feel good about myself. Like lissa said, even if he did make me feel like a piece of meat, at least he still wanted me! I have found that since I have been trying to lose weight, the exercise has really helped. I feel more energized, and I like to *think* I can see results and that just makes me feel better about myself.
I actually use sex etc as a way to make myself feel better about my body! I think this is known as *inappropriate promiscuity to make yourself feel validated*. It is not, not healthy but it is very, very effective. For me. Its like... "alrighty, so *I* am not keen on me, BUT I'm at least worth a f:@{K, literally , to someone, even if for one night!
It's not so much the weight that would bother me but things like stretch marks and cellulite. I know most women are plagued by these two "worst nightmares" somewhere on their body, but still, uggggggh!!!
Thank you for your responses, I will definitely be returning to reread them the next time I go home, as a little pre-game pep talk. I'm coming to realize how helpful this forum is. It's comforting just to hear other people share their stories, and to know that there are so many out there who have similar experiences. Thank you so much for your feedback
I think almost anyone could relate to how you feel! Even at my lowest I always felt ashamed of my body. What you really need is confidence!!! Confidence is always sexy to a guy. You should get the book "All The Rules" You might already know about it. What an amazing read!!! It really does work, and not only does it teach you things about men, it boosts your self-confidence (or at least it did mine) good luck with your boy toy
I just wanted to share this with you since it seemed appropriate. I have heard twice now over the course of about 3 years or so that women that are considered to have a little more weight on them are better in bed than women who are skinny-mini. Scientists have conducted surveys and studies on it... try to keep that in mind, and maybe it will make you feel more comfortable. It has also been proven that when given the choice of stick thin and a girl with some meat on her bones, that men tend to prefer girls who are a little curvier. Use your curves to your advantage- think of yourself as a sexual goddess. You don't need to be stick thin to blow his mind- you just need confidence and the right attitude.
I think almost anyone could relate to how you feel! Even at my lowest I always felt ashamed of my body.
OMG!!! when i was in college at my lowest weight ever i had the nerve to think i was fat!! now i feel so bad when i look at all the pictures i took because during that time i thought i was huge and now i would give anything to have that back, ANYTHING!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by rocket pop
I know it is very cliche, but other people generally don't see the faults we do.
i must also agree with rocket. it amazes me when a man looks at me and says i'm sexy or fine because i just don't see that. it's very hard for us to see ourselves that way other people do. YOU ARE YOUR TOUGHEST CRITIC!
since my last relationship i've have become a lot more comfortable with my body when it comes to sex. my ex really broke it down to me one night and told me how men see women. since i got a little bit of understanding now i'm a lot less hard on myself but i've still got a lot of work to do. there is always a fact when it comes to an attraction between men and women, no matter what you look like, they would not be talking to you if something did not attract them to you.
i also once had a guy friend tell me that his biggest turn off was when a woman stands naked and has anything less than a smile on her face. i quote him, "how can i have confidence in her if she does not have it in herself."
there is a post on here somewhere by a man and he explains the how men generally see women and what attracts them to us. i search for it but was unable to find it, if anyone does please post the link!!
Sex and weight gain
Threw me off for a minute.
). While you work on accepting your body and getting comfortable with him, you'll also be working on weight loss, which will help the other two things fall in line sooner!
, to someone, even if for one night!
