When I was in second year university, I was out walking with two girlfriends. A car of teenagers drove past, and one of them yelled out "two are hot, the other's NOT" while gesturing that he meant my friends were hot and I wasn't. I was stunned.
I'm a Brownie leader, and one of my girls (7y.o.) came and gave me a hug at a meeting one night. She says, "are you pregnant?" and I said "no, I'm not!" Her next question? "Then why is your belly so FAT?" I know she meant it innocently, but it was crushing.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd probably be sitting there, hurt with reality but it's almost as if there was nothing i could do about it. I mean, to defend yourself, especially with kiddies who probably have no idea of weight loss.
Canary - I got my first real BF at 21, that wasn't terribly young either, I guess (and I wasn't exactly hot in those days). There's no shame in that, and there's no rule that says that those thing have to happen before the age of 18 or something to be valid. Although I believe that somehow, we also play a part in making it happen or not (being convinced that nobody will ever want us may, in a way, send out warning signs of 'don't approach me'... KWIM?).
Having an extra padding doesn't matter as much as lots of people would want us to believe. Hey, I had to actually turn down guys when I was in high school--me, with my bulky frame, acne-in-the-face, 160+lbs-silhouette for my puny little 5'1". It's not true that nobody gets interested in us! But drats, it sure seems like it's an easy attack and an easy way for other people to try and make us feel guilty about ourselves. It's ugly, indeed. But it's not an universal truth, so please, don't believe it!
At my highest weight my mother once said to me, "Maybe you should lose weight so you can get a boyfriend." I felt so angry and hurt by that comment because this is coming from my mother! She should be loving and supporting me not making ugly comments like that. Well, now I'm 22 and still have never had a boyfriend so I'm starting to believe she might be right.
First, I'm sorry your mother was so cruel. What an awful, an untrue thing to say.
Honey, I'm a little older than you (28) and one thing I've discovered is that as boys become men they realize there is far more to a woman than the size of her skirt. I'm a size 16 now, whereas at your age I was a size 6/8, and guess what? I feel sexier now than I did then, just because I've grown a sense of self-worth, so I'm confident. And trust me, men appreciate a woman's body. I get just as many cat calls and lustful glances now as I did then. My husband thinks I'm as sexy as ever.
Another thing, lots of people don't date much until their mid-20s. It's not unusual at all. In fact, it's probably better--in your mid-20s you're much more ready to handle the complexities of relationships.
I suspect that your size has very little to do with your not dating, and it's more an issue of damaged self-esteemed and your inability to believe that anyone could find you attractive. I assure they can and will.
One of my earliest childhood memories is of going to the doctor at around age 4 and having an abdominal check, ya know, where the doctor presses around to feel inside? I'll never forget him turning to my mother and saying "it's like jelly"... Or or my brother telling me that if I ate (insert food here), the kids at school would call me fatso.. funnily enought, he was right.
In high school they were building a bridge near the school, and one of the guys in my English class kept saying how I'd better not use it or it'll collapse. The kids in my street used to pretend there was an earthquake and grab hold of things whenever I walked by. And you know what? I was NEVER obese, I was never the biggest in school or anything. I think they could just tell it would hurt me, so I became a target... for my entire school life I was a target.
I never really had a whole lot of bad experiences in High School or anything but when I was in college I heard a few, the worst though was when I was at a party watching some friends play some game when I hear this drunk idiot say to his friends "check out the fat chick, ill have her in no time, shes desperate for anything so you know i'll score" I had to try so hard not to deck the jerk when he walked over, instead i just ignored him when he was talking to me, he walked away with a nice "fat ***** comment" I swear next time someone says that to me I will deck him.
Thank you bida, ThinGirl in FatBody, Kery and City Girl! When I wrote my original post I wasn't looking for anyone to comment. This is why I love this forum and keep coming back to it because everyone is so supportive of each other. I will keep all your thoughts and comments in mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by City Girl
I suspect that your size has very little to do with your not dating, and it's more an issue of damaged self-esteemed and your inability to believe that anyone could find you attractive. I assure they can and will.
I think you nailed what my problem is. I have very little confidence in myself. As I gained more weight the less social I became. Only in the last few months have I started to become social again. I even recently build enough confidence to go after a guy I have feelings for only to have him reject me. That was a huge blow to my self-esteem. And I'm still dealing with it.
I wish I could be confident in a size 16 but it just doesn't work for me. I'm happy with the progress I made so far and will continue to work on improving my self-esteem.
Wow, I'm sorry that so many awful things have been said
I was very overweight in Jr. High and High School, and had my share of nasty comments...
I overheard one of the more jerky guys in my class point out to someone else that I was the fattest person in the school.
Driving to an amusement park with my family one year, my 12 year old cousin sitting behind me with another cousin asked me why I was going since I didn't like going on rides. Before I could say anything, he said what, for the food? Then they both laughed.
The same cousin poked me in the stomach once like the Pillsbury dough boy.
At the beach on a family vacation we were walking back towards the house, when a couple of boys further down the beach started screaming beached whale while pointing at me.
Riding the school bus was miserable for me because I was made fun of so much. It finally got to the point where I would stay afterschool for a couple of hours until my mom could pick me up, so I could avoid the bus.
And lastly, a few years ago, I was in the grocery store and a guy walked in front of me. I said excuse me (in a rude way, because he had been so rude), and he looked straight at me and said excuse you pig.
The one thing that has stuck with me, above all else, was something an aunt said to me. I doubt she meant it in a mean way, but after I've seen her in later time, harping on my Uncle (her brother) who is an obese man with Downs Syndrome, I think maybe she was trying to give me motivation to lose or something.
I was 12 and hadn't seen her in awhile. She exclaimed: "You've got such a pretty face! If you lost 20 pounds, you could be a model!" What a kind of back-handed compliment, eh?
As an aside, she is, and was and has been overweight/obese since she was in her mid-20's and I think that in addition to being 12 and hurt by what she said, I felt she had no right (considering) to tell ME about losing weight.
A comment on the dating topic...
I didn't have my first serious boyfriend until I was 21 (a little over 2 years ago). I probably weighed about 270 at the time. He was worth waiting for and we are still together. So many people have several relationships that don't work out anyway, I'm not sorry I missed that on the way to my Mr. Right. I don't think I was anything close to beautiful when we met but he definitely saw the person I was on the inside and he loves me unconditionally.
So to anyone in their 20's and still single, just be patient. I think that the loneliness and rejection can have a good effect on people. It makes us strong, and since we know what it's like to be judged, we don't judge others and get to know them as a person. We are also more likely to appreciate the love we find because we know just how precious it is.
Ok...my most recent came from a total stranger who I think wanted it to sound non offensive but knew it would be. My husband is in a band that plays very regularly. All the "band girls" are very skinny and well I'm not. We were at a show and a girl was flirting with him and he told her"no thank you I'm happily married" and she asked him where I was. When he pointed me out she came over to me and asked me if I was and I said yes. She then says"Well he could of done alot better"
i've had numerous people tell me that I should lose weight to make it better on him. He likes me how I am, I'm doing this for me. Some people just don't think anyone over weight can be beautiful.
I saw someone not too long ago that I hadn't seen in a while. She dropped about 150 pounds from the last time I saw her (I had already lost my weight). I decided to approach her to tell her that I thought she looked fabulous. You know, from someone who has been through it, too. I still can't figure out why (we had always gotten along), but she looked me up and down with her eyebrows raised before walking away. I still cannot for the life of me figure out why she did that, but at that moment I felt like I was back at my old weight or something. I literally looked at my best friend and asked her if it looked like I had put a bunch of weight back on (I hadn't)!
