[Sandi]

This comes on the heels of Pookie’s post where she made her public declaration (Little square Invitations in the mail) and I added mine. I have to kind of laugh at myself. Why? Because of all the times in the past that I have made “declarations” and then have done nothing.

This one comes to mind from 2005…

I'm DONE!!!!!
________________________________________
I just can't do it anymore. I can't have one more conversation about how I know exactly what to do about my weight, yet I just don't do it. Not one more word about how my weight is starting to affect my health, yet I continue to eat. Not another thought about when I am going to start again "for good".

Bottom line is that I feel horrible. My legs hurt, my feet hurt. Movement is exhausting. I look terrible, clothes don't fit. I am snug in my car. I worry about losing my job and somehow having to find another one. What if I had to go into Chicago and ride the train daily? That was hard to do at 215...it would be impossible now. I have lost the real me - the weight has taken over. If there is a rock bottom, I have hit it. I look in the mirror and think "who is that?"

Monday at WW I gained 3 lbs. Guess I didn't have as good of a week as I thought I did. Yeah, I guess not!!! I have been going to WW for 12 weeks and have lost a total of 4 lbs. In 12 weeks. What a waste. WASTE - that's what I am doing with my life. I am wasting it.

Mark today down - April 13, 2005. I weigh 322.2. It's over, I'm done. I will not live another day like this. I have an extra 177 lbs that I carry around with me every day. It's no wonder I am exhausted and my legs hurt!!!! That is like carrying around 3 1/2 Jacobs and never ever getting to set them down.

Today I started my new life and every day from today on, my main goal will be to improve my health. I WILL lose this weight. I WILL become someone who is active on a daily basis. I WILL find the Sandi that once was. She's awesome; I can't wait for you to meet her. Nothing and No one will stand in my way. My health is #1. Nothing else will come before it.

That lasted 6 weeks. I got down to 308.8 (total of 13.4 lbs lost) I didn’t track my weight again for 26 weeks (which means I wasn’t on plan) and at that point I weighed 329.

I think I am most remembered for this heart tugging declaration in 2003…

Jacob – I promise you...
________________________________________
June 13, 2003 - 3:06 pm

Jacob – I promise you...

That starting right now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, right now I will stick to my weight loss program. I will do what I need to do to become a healthy, active, vibrant mom for you. I love you with all my heart and soul and this is going to be my gift to you. I want to be there when you go off to 1st grade, I want to be there when you graduate, I want to be there when you get married. I just want to be there for you. You deserve to have a mom who is of normal weight and is healthy. Who can run with you and play tag. Who want to go to the water park and go on roller coaster rides. You deserve to have a lap to sit on. I will do this for you. You don’t know yet that I am fat, you have never been made fun of for having a fat mom. I will start now and maybe those things (that would break my heart) will never have to happen. You will be the thought that keeps me going when this journey gets tough. You will be my rock. And by helping myself I will be helping you. I will teach you as I learn to eat healthy. My good habits will become your good habits. I refuse to pass my sickness on to you. You don’t know yet that I am sick. So starting now, I will make myself well. I don’t want you to ever sit in a hospital waiting room and say to dad, “How come mom never just lost the weight?”. I want you to say “Well, at least she is strong and healthy, that should help her heal quickly”.

I think often about what life would be like if we ever lost your dad. Well, I think, then I’d get healthy and strong because I’d be all you had. But I just realized, I have it all wrong. What if my weight has already deteriorated my health and then he is called up. Then what. It’ll be too late. And also, I love you and your dad so much. Don’t you and your dad deserve the best of me. I am not at my best at this weight. It is constantly hanging over every day, every event. Don’t we as a family deserve the best right now. I am so lucky to have the 2 of you. I want to give you the best. And starting now, I will.

So, Jacob, my dear sweet 2 year old, to you…I promise.

I don’t have my weight logged for that time frame, but I might have been logging it somewhere else, but I can tell you there was no huge lasting loss.

The bottom line is that I make these huge declarations and start out doing great and then 2, 3, 6 or even 8 weeks into it, I die off and go off plan and gain it all back. I have been doing this for 20 years.

I haven’t made any huge declarations in a few years. Even I got tired of hearing it. And then somewhere along the way, I quit believing it. I start over all the time, but I don’t think I believed I could really do it. Even when I read these declarations, I think wow, I haven’t been that determined in a long time.

But here’s the thing…if I don’t believe that I can and will lose this weight. Then I am defeated from the start. So I am back with a declaration. A declaration to start again. Try again. Take the good with the bad and learn how to move past the mistakes I make and KEEP GOING!! And once again believe that I will do it this time.

Once I start I can do pretty good. It doesn’t bother me to be “on plan” and I feel pretty good. My #1 problem is that in my brain, there is being “on plan” or “off plan”. No room for in-between. So when I have a slip, I go off plan and stay off plan. My brain knows that it’s just one mistake and that the best thing is to get right back on plan, but that is rarely the case with me. I know that’s what I should do, but it’s not what I do. And I have never been one to be “perfect”, so it is imperative that I learn how to deal with a slip.

Starting today, the plan is 1800 calories and daily exercise. But along with that I am going to really try and eat healthier. Protein with every meal, more fiber. Although I believe that no food should ever be off limits, I also believe that what you eat matters as much as how much.

Recently I had tried blogging, but it’s a lonely place. I need my community, I need 3FC. So I am back in the game, playing for keeps.

[RitzyFritz]

Sandy, I hear your heart in this. I can so relate with this. We have ALL had times of broken promises, but as I recently told my son (and as you already know) we become failures when we quit trying. If at first you don't success, try - try - try again. Even though I have been where you are so many times myself, I simply decided that 2007 is MY year. There wasn't one of those perverbial "now or never moments" that many have and then go on to great losses. I just simply made the decision - just as if I would make the decision to get in my car and go somewhere. I have decided to get on the wagon and "go somewhere." That "somewhere" is to my goal weight - I don't care if it takes me 2 years....I'm getting there.

You can do this! I look forward to watching your progress as we both continue on our journey to health. No matter the pace, just KEEP going forward!!

[Charbar]

Sandi.. I'm here with you .. every step. How many years have I been here? - too many. We should be in bikinis by now, eh? That's water under the bridge.

You said you have a hard time with the time between "on plan" and "off plan"
Here's the deal. You said it yourself - no food is off limits. So you are NEVER "off plan" Like it or not.... you are always on plan. Sometimes you are just better at being on your plan. Make sense?

When I eat something I shouldn't I now realize that this is a treat and it must be counted. I know that no matter what I can never quit - never go "off plan" I might take a break - have a special event. But no matter what - I can NEVER QUIT.


Sandi you deserve this.. you are worth this. YOU CAN DO THIS. I know you are a great person now. I can't wait to see you 50 lbs gone from now!

Love to you girl!

Dana

[Mrs Quadcrew]

Sandi ~ we all have been there at one point or another. I am so glad I have my 3FC friends to turn to, unless you've BEEN there, you just don't understand. 2007 is OUR TIME.....it is the beginning of the rest of our lives....we have the support of one another here, and that with our OWN willpower, we WILL DO THIS!!

[GirlyGirlSebas]

Hi Sandi,

I get it! I really really get it! I've started over so many times. And, I also have that little niggle in the back of my mind that says "You won't really stick with it. You'll eventually quit again." I also have the problem with perfectionisim....if I go off-plan, I've messed up and have to start all over again. And, sometimes I don't start all over again for a few weeks, or months, or years! So many of my 3FC friends, that joined around the same time as I did, have lost so much weight! I am a bit embarrased that I have to keep re-committing. But, I also need my 3FC. I need the support and the encouragement to keep going. This is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted and I really really want to succeed!

So, I'm with you...and Pookie. I'm back in the game, too. I believe we will find our way as long as we keep trying.

[SexyRevealed]

Sandi, reading your post felt like I wrote it. If I had a nickel for every attempt I made to lose the weight once and for all, well, I would have had plastic surgery and had every ounce of fat sucked out of me by now. LOL. I constantly ask myself, what makes this time different? And you know what? I can't explain it. It just IS. I think you have reached an IS moment yourself. We can do this! Look around. People like us ARE doing this everyday!

[jennylou]

Sandi - good luck to you! You can do it.

[djs06]

You can do it, Sandi!

[rockinrobin]

Sandi, that was really something. You really put yourself out there. I feel for you. So much in fact. Because of course that was me. All the broken promises, all the dreams, all the false starts. The good thing about this, is that the past doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. You can do this. It IS doable. Take it a meal at a time if need be. Plan, plan and then plan some more. I know for me cutting back didn't help me. I had to make the foods I was eating nutritionally sound. First of all it's what's best for you, will keep you full longer, will stave off cravings and here's one of the most important things - it changes your entire frame of mind. You start eating like a healthy person, you start to THINK like a healthy person and then of course you become that healthy person. It is the most incredible gift you can give to yourself and your family. And so incredibly rewarding. Far more rewarding then all of the high quantity/high calorie food ever was.

Sandi, you can do this. I know you can. I know it for sure. I don't have a doubt in my mind. We're here for you 24/7. *hugs*

[Torister]

Sandi,



That could have been written by ME any number of times over the years. This time is different for me. I am just doing it. Making small changes and hoping to improve my health and in turn hoping the weight will come off eventually. Its daunting to look at what I have to lose in one large sum. I am trying to take it a day at a time. Seems more doable. I hope this makes some sense.

[LisaMarie71]

Sandi, we've all done this a million times. I don't know anyone who gained weight then instantly took it all off the first time she tried. Every time we try, we learn more about ourselves. That doesn't make it easier, I know, but just know that you CAN do it. The times you've tried before don't even matter at this point -- what matters is today and what you do with it. And then tomorrow it will be the same. And the next day after that. You can't think about the past, and you can't think too far into the future. "One day at a time" really is the secret.

And we're here for you every step of the way, just as you're always here for us!!

[Casey4]

I, too, could have written your post. I have promised myself over and over again that "this is it, this is the time!" and yet here I am. I also struggle with the "on plan, off plan" thing. So I am right here with you. Everyday that we get up, eat nutritiously, move and come here for support is a sweet victory. As we build on those victories we will see success. Recently I read the book "You on a Diet." I liked their take on going off plan. Basically they compared it to going off some place in the car. If you made a wrong turn you wouldn't continue driving off in that direction or you wouldn't just turn around and go home, you would make a U-turn as quick as possible and get back on your journey. I have read that part over and over again to really take it to heart. If I make a choice that is a wrong turn all I need to do is make a You-turn and continue my journey. So much better than binging and
binging for months and years on end. I'm glad to be on this journey with such terrific people.
Kathy

[shelby897]

Sandi -- you made me cry...but in a good way!! I've lost my way for the past few weeks, just gradually losing track and heading in the wrong direction, like so many of us do. But thank you, thank you, thank you -- you brought me back today. My son turned 4 yesterday and I ate way too much, including cake/ice cream for breakfast this morning. I had given up. You brought me back to reality. Actually, your son brought me back!! I want to lose weight for me -- but really it's my kid's that motivate me. I have a 7 year old that I can't be there for because of my weight -- he's heading in the same direction because for the first 5 years of his life I was totally inactive and didn't teach him well. My 4 year old lucked out, I've at least become more active since he came along. I want to be "myself" not who I feel people see when they see a 250 some pound woman. I'm buried inside of my appearance. I want to be the fun mom!! I have such guilt over how I parent because my mood, etc. is so based on my weight.

So, I'm back in the game!! I'm ready to do this. I'm tired of trying to explain why I lose track, what a waste of time. Just jump back in and get going. I've wasted a year of exercising almost five days a week at the YMCA by coming home and eating what I burned. I would be thin by now! I'm with all of you -- I'm in this as a change of life, not a diet. It's time to put food in it's place and to stop letting it control me.

Good luck Sandi (and everyone else), no one ever said it would be easy, but just ask Robin -- it's so worth the struggles!!

[Luminous]

Sandi, how honest and brave and strong you are. It takes a buttload of courage to say, "I've been committed to this before, and I can do it again!" Of course, you wrote your post in a self-deprecating manner, but what shines through is the opposite: the inner strength to accept past "failures" for what they are: learning curves on the road to your goal.

Originally Posted by Sandi

Take the good with the bad and learn how to move past the mistakes I make and KEEP GOING!! … It doesn’t bother me to be “on plan” and I feel pretty good. My #1 problem is that in my brain, there is being “on plan” or “off plan”. No room for in-between. So when I have a slip, I go off plan and stay off plan. My brain knows that it’s just one mistake and that the best thing is to get right back on plan, but that is rarely the case with me. I know that’s what I should do, but it’s not what I do. And I have never been one to be “perfect”, so it is imperative that I learn how to deal with a slip.

I think a refocusing of perfectionist tendencies is in order here. I'm perfectionist too. Having that "off-plan" food or day is utter torture!

The perfect diet plan isn't the one where you are "on plan" 24-7. No one is! Ever!

The perfect diet plan is the one where you accept that "off plan" food IS PART OF THE PLAN. Ahead of time. Where you decide that off-plan food is part of the plan. Where you KNOW that off-plan food will get into your belly from time to time, as much as you know the sun rises and sets.

The weight-training world knows this. Every muscle-building plan I've read has meticulously planned diets along the lines of what we going for mainly fat loss do (in their planning, not entirely their composition). And every single one also tells would-be weightlifters that an "off day" or "off meals" are imperative, because no one can eat perfectly 24-7.

[Lillibeth]

Good luck! I really hope you are able to achieve your goal this time and that you can put all your past efforts behind you and enjoy the future.

I've also started my diet so many times before that my brain doesn't really expect me to suceed this time, but I'm hoping that a lot of hard work and the support of everyone here will mean I do.