Hey Featherweights, I just registered today.
I actually enjoy exercise and I even enjoy most healthy foods. The problem is that I get depressed and lonely because I have various anxiety problems, and when I'm depressed I eat. I end up binging on insane amts of cookies or other stuff when I'm depressed. I have had therapy and gotten better since my darker days, but I need to get a dose of willpower and support from somewhere.
I am "small-boned,” short, and delicate. For most of high school, I weighed 95 pounds. When I got to college 3 years ago, I weighed about 105, and I was pretty happy with how I looked. Then I had a bunch of trouble making friends at school, holed myself up in my room and ate like a fiend (entire loaves of bread for dinner, or an entire box of cookies, etc). I had never had any problems or even an interest in eating before that, but once I was lonely, food was the only thing I had.
I rocketed up to 125 in no time at all, even though I went to the gym and did cardio constantly. I couldn’t fit into any of my size 0 clothes anymore and I wore sweatpants a lot. I may have gotten up to 130 at one point. I am not sure. The more weight I gained, the less confident I felt, and the more I hid out in my room and ate. Luckily my fast metabolism and the fact that I enjoy exercise managed to save me from getting up any higher. I have never stopped enjoying exercise.
I have continued to surge up to 125, up and down for the past 2 years. One summer I went on the South Beach diet and got down to 112 pounds, my lowest since high school, but then I went to Europe … and when I came home I was 125 again! I was so upset and too overwhelmed to start all over again with South Beach. All the work I had done got ruined in just three weeks abroad.
A couple weeks ago I was 115, but then I went back up to118. Even if I could just get to 112 or 110, I would feel like I had accomplished something, because I’m so frustrated right now. I was feeling good at 115 but then I undid my work again. I really don’t want to go back up to 120. I want to at least stay at 118.
I have friends at school now, I’m fulfilled emotionally, but the addiction to eating hasn’t gone away. I think it would help if I had somebody to talk to about this, because my friends tell me that I look fine. I know that I am not in bad shape; this is primarily about me getting control of my life. If I could have the willpower to get down to 112 again, I know I would feel better about myself and stronger.
The problem is I’m not sure what else to do. Between classes and my job and the play I’m in, I can’t get to the gym more than three times a week. I do weight-lifting and cardio. I’m afraid I’ll hurt my knees if I do more than half an hour of cardio, but maybe I should do 45 min. The treadmill is my favorite but I know it’s bad for my knees.
I already eat only whole wheat. I eat sugar-free desserts, and I love fruits and vegetables. I never drink anything but skim milk or water. Even though I surround myself with healthy food and exercise, I just can’t manage to stave off the desire to run to the café and grab a humongous cinnamon roll … and I do that sort of thing JUST often enough to not lose weight. Maybe all I need is somebody to talk to … so that’s why I’m here.
(I know 105 is low for my goal. But I'm only 5'1.)