It has been a long time since I have posted, obviously. I wonder if anyone I started with is still around? So much has changed for me. Since the last post; a different boyfriend, a different apartment, three different jobs, and have grown in many ways. My weight has not gone up, but it certainly has not gone down either. Although I started on and off little diets and such (and even bought a treadmill), I have done very little about my weight. I want to start. After my employers closed down, I got a job that was a bit of a commute. It was right next to a Gold's Gym. I went in for tanning, but after much contemplation, finally decided to sign up. I figured it is such a big expense that it will be motivation for me to go there a lot. Problem is that day I "lost" that job (whole long story, of course), and so now it is terribly far away for just the gym and none closer. I want so badly to work on this and be fit and strong and weigh less. I am hoping by blogging a bit it will keep me in the mindset. It is weird how things work out so that when I can not do things I plot and plan and make lists, but when it comes time, I rarely follow through. Is so silly. Like right now I am kind of thinking and telling myself, "please please please do this" and very worried that my future self will not listen. It seems ridiculous, but I am worried because that future self never does. . . I know that I can work really hard when I am at the gym-it is just getting myself to go there.
I am very confused about a lot of things right now. I am sort of lost in life about loves and locations and jobs. I am hoping that at least this will give me something to focus on. I want a bit of meaning and something to work on to make myself feel good and a bit in control. There is so much that I am unhappy with that I can not change. This I can. I want to do it. I wish I knew some magic trick that would convince myself to go to the gym. I want to aim for 3 times a week for the first month and then go from there. One of the little motivations that I will have is that they have televisions on their equipment. It sounds so dumb and lazy, but if it gets me there, right? I know I exercise better to my ipod because of the beat, but it is a start. I know I can get addicted to television easily, so maybe I can use it to get myself addicted to going to the gym at set times. I hope so. I need to get a job with set hours so that I can do that.
It is really on my mind right now-the whole losing weight and getting into shape thing. Right now I am visiting my hometown (I signed up for the gym right before I left so that I would not forget about it or change my mind after getting back and have not used it yet). I keep avoiding going out because I do not want to see anyone I used to know, even though I have always been heavy. In another way, though, I am kind of glad for bad pictures that my family is taking and such, thinking what great "before" pictures they will make.
What I really should look into getting (also sounds dumb because here I am, unemployed, spending a fortune to have a "vacation" and all this money on a gym membership, yet I act like I should save up for) a little blue bracelet. I am not sure how it came about, but somehow I remember in the past that having a blue bracelet on my right wrist is a neat little motivational thing for me and also reminds me everytime I reach for food that I have been working hard (when I have ha) and not to spoil it. Funny how your mind can play such tricks. Or maybe it is just <u>my</u> mind.
It has been a very bad year for me electronically. I have not had a television, cell phone, or computer. The only reason I am on right now is because I am back "home". I hope to keep in touch, but can not make any guarantees. All depends on my next job.
Wishing everyone well!!!!
Hey Sistas
