This is a hoot!
> You will have to laugh at this !!!!! (or maybe not - but it is funny)
>
>
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
>
> Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
> was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
> in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
> can you help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
> into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
> back, looking stressed.
>
> I immediately knew what to do.
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
> "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
> and Ernie, Mom!"
> I was equally outraged.
>
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
> their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
> sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
> most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
> she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
> announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
> of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
> think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I
> noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when
> it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
>
> It disappeared.
>
> I tried several more times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
> "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
> (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
> I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
> womb!)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
> peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> speak to you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male.
> And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
> species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back."
> He blushed, glancing at my wife.
> "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
> And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
> woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
> just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
> little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
> the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea,"
>
> Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> 2 - Lizards - $140...
>
> 1 - Cage - $50...
>
> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless
>
> Moral of the story -
> finish biology class -
> lizards lay eggs!
Scotch and Humour
Here's one I use when I guy says "What's wrong with you? PMS?" 
