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Old 04-17-2006, 05:04 PM   #6
VioletSwerve's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Raytown, MO
Posts: 221

S/C/G: 443/306/175

Height: 5'7"


I havent been around much lately, its been kind of a weird week.

Friday I walked into work and, before I could even get to my desk, the biggest busy-body in the call center whom I cannot stand comes up and tells me "Michelle passed away last night". Michelle is a co-worker of mine that I was not particularly close to, but I still knew her and had talked to her frequently. She had (some type of female) cancer last year and was off for like 3 mos, but she beat it and came back. Then the cancer came back. She had been off work this time for like 4 mos or so, but I had no idea it was this grave. I expected her to beat it like she did before, I guess.

Her family issued a statement saying nothing more medically could be done for her and she wanted to come home. She came home Thursday afternoon and died Thursday night. She was 30 years old. How can you prepare yourself for death at 30 years old? I dont understand it. How can you say "I want to go home. I want to be comfortable because I know I am going to die. Give me something for the pain and let me go home" when you are 30 years old??? I just dont understand why stuff like this has to happen. It hurts my heart. I sat at my desk crying on Friday and the rest of the day really sucked. Poor Nat couldnt figure out what was so wrong--he knew she had died but he didnt know it was making me that upset. Its not like Michelle was a close friend, or even anything more to me than a co-worker, but just that stuff like this happens--it just upsets me. My sister says "God called her home" but that is little consolation. I guess it scares me. My sister is 30. Nat is 32. Heck, I'm 26! What stops this from happening to one of us? I think about it probably more than I should, even before this. What would I do if my sister died? What would I do if my mom died? I didnt really even like my dad and I still feel a hole in my heart for him because I miss the things about him that were good, and the times I did like him. I love my sister and my mom and brother, etc--what would I do without them? I know they have to die someday, and I guess that is what scares me. Death doesnt excuse any of us.

What a bummer post, huh? I've been a little depressed in general lately, and I think today I figured out why. I was reading MariaLucia's post about her relationship ending, and it occured to me--I am excited to move to KC, but I think my depression is because I am "mourning" the end of my life in Lincoln and my life so close to my family. Lincoln has been my home for the majority of my childhood and for all of my adult life. And I've never lived more than 90 miles from my parents, siblings, and grandparents. But I think this mourning is ok and probably even healthy. If I didnt care and didnt take time to understand the ramifications of moving 200 mi away, I think I'd be in a sorry state once I got to KC.

I told my sister I was going to move and she is being less than supportive. She asked me what Nat is "promising" me to make me want to move down there. I guess she thinks the only good reason for me to consider moving is if he has promised to marry me. But this isnt the 1950s, sweetheart, and I dont need any man to "promise" me anything. And why would it be better for me to move down there for Nat's reasons and not my own? I feel she holds him to really unfair standards. Nat makes more money, drives a nicer car, and has more education than her boyfriend does. But she still loves her boyfriend and he is still a good man with a decent job. Her boyfriend is still someone I would date, and I am glad she is with him. I know she's just worried about me and wants the best for me, but she does this every time I want to do something different. Its like "Oh, silly Amy--you cant really be serious". She says I'd be leaving "everything I've ever known". And that is true. But why is that always a bad thing? If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. And believe me, brother--that aint a lot. So I am not very pleased w/my only sister right now. She is being a real b*tch, to be frank.

I told my mom and she is being very supportive, so that is really nice. I value my mother's advice above all others, for the most part. My mom has really been thru a lot in her life. We never had anything, but my mother never let us look like we didnt have anything. She has a lot of pride and always has, even when there wasnt much to take pride in. She gives me strength and courage. She has raised me to be the strong person I am, and for that I am grateful.

I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I went to the doc and she gave me some good stuff to knock it out. I was able to see my regular doc so she gave me samples for one of the medications, and she wrote me a note excusing me from work today and tomorrow! When you hate your job like I hate mine, any time off work, even sick time, is good.

I havent been OP at all for like the last week. I tried last week but would mess it all up come dinner time. I guess I was OP for the majority of the day, though, and I did manage to excercise 3xs last week even though I was getting sick. I'll get back on track, though. I figure at least I am still excercising because the excercising is what I always quit first when I was dieting before.

On Saturday I applied for about a dozen jobs in KC. I got a response on 2 of them today, asking me when I was planning to relocate. I told them I would just need to give 2 weeks notice and then I could be ready to work if need be. I told Nat if a good job comes up, something that I really want to do, pays well, and they want me to start in 2 weeks, I'll find a way. Nat has a spare bedroom I could stay in for a while and I have some vacation built up so I could work 1 week and take the last week as vacation and get moved during that week if I had to. Then after I get my last paycheck and my 401k cash-out I could get my own place. I will not pass up a good job beacuse I'm not ready to move--I will find a way.

I'm sorry this post was once again all about me. I havent been on the board much and have gotten behind, and I really needed to get a lot of this off my chest. I did read all your posts, though, and I am thankful for each and every one of you. I appreciate the support and unconditional love and the liberty to express myself I feel here. Congrats to the losers, condolences to the gainers. And wyllenn and Nancy--I LOVE the new avatar pics!! *whistles, cat calls*!
Roux-en-Y gastric bypass 12/14/10.

Second 100 lb goal:

My weight loss blog:

"We forge the chains we wear" -Jacob Marley, "A Christmas Carol"
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