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Old 02-16-2006, 04:04 PM   #9
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 159

S/C/G: 237.5/237.5/175

Height: 5'10"

Default If fat were acceptable

It's hard to say. The first time I lost the weight, I was 23, and my family doesn't really have any history of cancer, heart-conditions, high blood pressure, etc., and most are overweight. In fact, my great-grandmother was probably pushing 300 when she died at 96.

I'd always been overweight my entire life, starting as a baby with the nickname "Buddah-belly." All the kids at school made fun of me, sure, but as I grew older, it didn't bother me so much. As far as I was concerned, I was "destined" to be fat.

I was turned away from donating blood because I was iron-deficient, so I took this as an invitation to eat more steak, not more broccoli. It didn't occur to me that I was eating too much of the WRONG stuff - I just thought I wasn't eating enough to get the nutrients I needed. I was rejected when I tried to enlist in the Air Force, because I was too fat (I thought that's what boot-camp was for?) My blood-pressure was 116/60, so I figured it didn't matter if my face was red, my heart was racing and I was out of breath at the top of a flight of steps.

It didn't occur to me that putting on weight was more than an inconvenience that caused my uniform to not fit anymore. It didn't occur to me that I'd have to hitch a ride back to my car at the beginning of a parade with a police-officer because the band was afraid I'd fall over and have a heart-attack (because my face was so red by the end of a parade). It didn't occur to me that the arches of my feet hurt in the morning because they're straining under my weight. It didn't occur to me that oak toilet seats don't usually break. It didn't occur to me that clothes actually fall apart if you wear them long enough (because I never had them that long before I was shopping for the next size up). I look back and wonder, "How could I have been so stupid and blind?"

The one and only reason I decided to finally lose weight was because I wanted to look good at my wedding. Pure vanity. I figured, "He's stuck with me at this weight... maybe I can give him (and me) something better."

This time, it's for fitness reasons and some health reasons. I've been having back issues lately from sitting at the desk too much. I haven't been sleeping well, and I felt like crud most of the time. The arches of my feet are starting to hurt again, and I'm having the issues of uniform fittings and red-face at the end of parades. Last year when we played in Switzerland, the heat was unbearable, and moreso for me, because my body didn't KNOW how to deal with it. I wasn't sweating, and I was retaining water and bloating up. I was never so miserable with heat in my life, and I've been through some pretty bad heat. My feet hurt from walking everywhere, and I realized that the reason we ate out so much was because it was an excuse to talk to eachother without being plugged into the t.v. I miss being active, and looking for things to do on the weekends. I miss being ABLE to be active and do things on the weekends. I miss the meditative-de-stressing-quality of counting your reps and going through the motions of the gym. I miss hanging out in the sauna with nothing but my thoughts. I miss... ME.

So, I think it's more about hind-sight for me. If I'd never known what being a "normal" weight felt like, I'd probably still be content breaking chairs and shopping for the next tent size.

Now I'm depressed.


Height: 5'10" (1.778 m)
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