What do you do about people who don't really want to see you succeed?
I don't know if it is intentional or not, but my mom is really making this journey difficult for me. For example, at a restaurant she will point at something she ordered (last time it was fries) and say, "I got these to share with you, you know." When I decline, it's like, I am supposed to feel guilty because I said no.
I know why she is doing it, she has given up on trying to be anything but overweight, and it would make it easier on her if I was very heavy too.
I don't know what to do, because weight issues are a stupid thing to have trouble with someone over, but I won't let her make me miserable just so she is not miserable alone.
My partner was like this in the beginning. He was quite threatened by my new lifestyle. I took the path of least resistance and just either ignored or humoured him, but quietly stuck to my guns. Once he saw I was serious, and saw the results of my efforts, he became a supporter and stopped his sabotaging behaviour.
I think some of it was very much unconcious, and he was just worried I was feeling deprived and trying to make me feel better about cheating or having treats. It was quite hard to deal with in that he felt I was rejecting him, but as I stuck with it, he soon realised that me being healthy was far more important that immediate gratification.
Other people with have other suggestions, I found that talking to him about his behaviour only made him feel defensive and hurt, and didn't actually change his behaviour.
There are all kinds of reasons people do this, so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about WHY. As kykaree said, sometimes they can not even really be aware of it. That's why I DO advocate having ONE sit-down discussion, removed from any food-in-question. Explaining that you need their support -- not policing, but not tempting you either. You appreciate their thoughtfulness in trying to include you, but that this is already tough, and you are serious about making it work. It doesn't mean you can't go out to eat, that there's not lots of things you can't share, but you'd be grateful if they would be supportive of your food choices by simply not making an issue of them. Don't use loaded language like "sabotage" or be accusatory. Just a calm, neutral statement of "here's what's happened, here's how I feel about it, here's what I'd like to see in the future."
Then, if THAT doesn't work ... kykaree's route of just quietly sticking to your guns is really the only way. You don't have to explain or justify. Just repeat, "No thank you," over and over and over again, perhaps throwing in an "I don't want any," for variety. Maybe they'll come around, maybe they won't. The ones who won't may eventually talk about how you are losing too much weight, talk about your being anorexic, etc. It'll always be something. In the end, you have to do what's right for you. You have no need to feel guilty. Any baggage your mom carries regarding your refusal of food is HER problem. Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need so you can learn to brush it off and go about your business.
My dad is the same way, but he does not do it intentionally. He is a crappy eater and eats only pork chops or steak, and I try to opt for chicken (he does not like that), and mom works alot of overtime, so i think he just wants company to eat with. I continouslly explain that i need to loose like 40lbs, and he always says well u can't do it over night. he just doesnt realize how hard it is to lose weight b/c he has never been overweight. I think in my home it is a social thing, and eating a time we all spend together.
If you want to give her the hints you can start listing off all the bads of those fries as you decline.
No thanks those have so much fat in them I could have 4 chicken breasts and still not have the amount of fat is in those. I will not touch those again and all kinds of stuff like that eventully she will either join ya or stop asking you so she doesnt have to hear the contents in everything she asks you to join in with her that you dare not touch..
If you want to give her the hints you can start listing off all the bads of those fries as you decline.
No thanks those have so much fat in them I could have 4 chicken breasts and still not have the amount of fat is in those. I will not touch those again and all kinds of stuff like that eventully she will either join ya or stop asking you so she doesnt have to hear the contents in everything she asks you to join in with her that you dare not touch..
The thing is, you don't want to give the person ammunition to argue with you, and debating the merits of particular foods is pointless. Also, telling someone you are NEVER going to have a food again just gives them a reason to police you or taunt you when you DO have it in the future.
I really adore Miss Manners -- the etiquette columnist for the Washington Post. I read her book years ago, and her attitude is all that's called for. Just as when declining a party invitation or anything else, you are not required to explain, and if you try, you're just opening the door for counter-arguments. Your job is not to convince anyone of anything other than the fact that, despite their kind invitation (because we always assume invitations are made out of thoughtfulness), you will not be attending the party / eating the french fries. "No thank you," "I'm sorry but I can't," "I have other plans" (even if the plans are to sit home in your PJs), and "I don't want any," etc., is all that needs to be said.
In her most recent column, she was asked about how to respond to online date requests from married men. The writer wanted to put them in their place, tell them how wrong they were to be persuing her, etc. Miss Manners said that she should not reply AT ALL: "A lady does not respond to indecent proposals. To do so implies that she is open to negotiation."
Alot of people are not aware of the nutritional value in foods. I have been informing my mom as she is always giving in to the junk and was not aware of the stuff inside foods. Older generations were not to keen on whats what and how much you should have. So it doesnt hurt , and could help. Why not try and get her to the other side of the force even if its just out of trying to get a point across.
How do you deal with...
