I think I'm really needing *something* to help keep me on track right now - I'm slipping into a dangerous mindset and almost really screwed this up.
Since school has started, my routine has been knocked out of whack - I'm stressed (but not as bad as in the past), I haven't been able to see my counselor in 2 weeks, I haven't been able to see much of my husband because of conflicting schedules, I haven't been drinking enough fluids, I haven't been getting my normal amount of activity (because of having to sit in class all day), I can't come here very often now, etc etc.
I don't know if it is a time management problem or really just a stress problem, but I need to get a new routine figured out (or at least the best one that I can).
But anyway, because of all the chaos the past 3 weeks, it has been getting harder and harder to resist temptations and my mindset has been moving toward one of complacency...
I know that it is harder to resist temptations because of my messed up relationship with food... I want to eat because I am stressed, because that has always been my way of coping; and I have not yet found an adequate substitute to help me cope (this is something I'm working on with my counselor). However, I feel added stress because some of those around me know that I am doing Optifast and I feel the pressure to be perfect with this program... especially around my classmates. So, I guess what I'm saying is that in addition to wanting to binge because of stress, I want to eat because I feel that the pressure is so high for me not to eat. Does that even make sense???? I feel crazy.
And the direction that my mindset has been moving toward scares me. I am becoming comfortable with my size - too comfortable. I have figured out several reasons for this: I am happier, I feel better, I can move, I'm not so tired, I have lost 2 sizes (from a tight 28 to a comfortable 24), I can easily find clothes, I can wear many clothes from my closet, and I get compliments all the time on how much I lost. I'm too comfortable with my size. I feel too safe. And I know I can't get into this mindset because it will most certainly ruin me. I've been smaller.... I KNOW that 250 feels much better than 290; I know that everything that I feel now will amplify as more weight comes off. Although I recognize what is going on with me, I feel as though I am fighting it and don't know how to change it... I really don't feel as though I'm trying to make excuses (because that is truly something that I hate), but I genuinely am afraid of this and don't know WHY I can't just think something different. I just don't know.... perhaps just writing this post will help me; we'll see.
I told my dad about this; and he reminded me that to people who don't know me - who have never seen me at my highest weight - I am a really fat gal... Which is true; I am still a really fat gal, just not as fat as I was. That bothers me - that I could come so close to being *comfortable* with my size and yet still be so big and that so many people would still treat me in a cruel manner because I'm still so big....... that being ok with this size means that I'd be ok with people thinking "wow, thats sure is a fat chick."
hhhmmm....
I guess.... I'll do my best.... I don't want to get stuck here; I want to make the most of this opportunity. Just so I get through today without problems. Thats really all I can focus on - just today.