I had the opportunity to speak at a fundraiser for an volunteer organization I am a part of and Tom Brokaw was also a speaker. We had professional phorgraphers and videographers and I was so excited about the pictures, Until I saw them and I thought I looked just so awful. I cried. I almost never cry.
All my friends were excited for me and they said I looked great and all my collegues said I spoke really well and that Mr. Brokaw laughed at the joke included about him. That evening I was so proud. I spoke in front of a room of strangers many of whome were wealthy, well connected people(not that this makes them better, it just adds to the intimdation factor) something that many people alot older than I can't do (Im 20). Im intellgent, articulate (when I try), kind,funny, generous and and and an all around good person and when I look at these pics of what should be one of the proudest days of my life, All i can think about is how terrible I look and how worthless the pics make me feel.
The really awful part is that I probably dont look horrible at all. My friends wouldn't lie to me. They all said really nice things and I believe they meant them, But my brain just doesnt process it. When I look at the pics all I see is a fat girl with a pug nose and a bad haircut that doesn't even deserve to have people listen to her. Intellectually, as a concept, I know that this isn't true but every other part of me believes this to be the case and I have a physical response of shame. This not only upsets me cause its painful (and it is) but because I fear it will hold me back from doing everything I am capable of. This makes me seriously afraid for my future. I am an ambitious person. I was raised to have high expectations for myself but how can I reasonably have these high expectations if I can not conquer the FEELINGS i have about my body, let alone my body itself?
Has anyone else expereinced this deep disconnect between what they see and what other people see? Is it something that changes when your body does? Id really like to know.
First of all, congratulations on your big day! You deserve to feel good about it.
Second, you are not alone. This is something I and many others have struggled with our entire lives. I lost about 120 pounds a number of years ago and everyone said I looked great. I, on the other hand, couldn't "see" it. Oh, intellectually my brain knew that the clothes were smaller, but the true "knowing" wasn't there. I was miserable. I felt like I had been broadsided by a bus. Here I had done all this work, for what?? Where were the great feelings? I also didn't have the supportive people around me at the time.
I have since learned that it is psychological, I know what to expect. Loosing weight doesn't take care of everything. Not everyone magically becomes a new person. It takes more emotional work. This site has been an eye opener, reading all the stories of those that have been there. Counseling is also a benefit. These things didn't come to me until my mid 30's, but better late than never I guess.
It can get better, but it may not happen just by loosing the weight. Believe in yourself, ask for the help you need.
House of Mirth: It takes a great deal of courage to speak in front of a large group, especially with celebrities in attendance. You are much braver than I would be and I'm 57. You will never see yourself but anything but fat if you don't lose the emotional baggage. Queen Latifah has always been on the heavy side and the camera always made her look heavier. She decided to see herself how others saw her. A warm and beautiful person regardless of her weight. Until she could rid herself of the negative picture she saw in her head, she couldn't let the beautiful person inside come out. You are what you think. Believe your friends. It's always said that beauty comes from within. Put your brain on a diet and rid yourself of those excess fat thoughts and let your inner beauty shine.
I sat and cried last year when someone sent me a vidoe of a Christmas party with me singing Karoke. I thought I looked like shamu at seaworld. I felt awful about the picture and realized I was seeing what others saw. It about crushed me. I can still remember thinking the night I went to the party that I looked nice and had a "slimming" outfit on. I think the only thing slim in the movie was the microphone. The person who sent it happened to be there when I opened the email and felt terrible because they thought I was cute. I saw no cuteness at all.
Two days ago at the gym I think I finally saw a change in myself. My sister said she saw a change in my body this summer when I went home. Everything looked firmer and I was getting my waist back. .....so even if the scale has not changed something else did.
Hang in there....think about all the positive comments you got about your speech and actually being on the same bill as Tom Brokaw.....wow a super accomplishment all the way around.
I totally feel your pain. Every time I see a pic of me playing with my 2 beautiful children, all I can think of is how terrible I look. I pretty much avoid the camera. I want to be able to look at pictures and see the fun I had and memories I made with my kids instead of seeing a fat me taking up the whole picture. It has been a HUGE motivator for my weight loss.
I am so sorry that the pictures made you cry... I can really relate to that except, I cried when I saw pics from the last time when I was really skinny and at goal-- I've gained it all back and am working on losing it all again.
You have a lot of strength and courage to get up there and speak especially in front of such a prestegious crowd. If you can do that, then you for SURE can do this weight loss thing. Stay positive-- you'll be amazed how much being in a positive frame of mind helps when it comes to weight loss or for any situation for that matter. You can do it, we're here to help.
You're pretty awesome in my opinion... Keep up the good work!
You are only 20 and on the same bill as TOM BROKAW???? Girl, don't you know they just don't give those kinds of opportunities to just ANYONE??? You have obviously earned the right to do that, regardless of the number on the scale.
You said this about yourself: Im intellgent, articulate (when I try), kind,funny, generous and an all around good person
THIS is the part that matters the most....beauty fades, but inner beauty lasts forever.
Good for you for facing a fear & getting on that stage. I too know how much it hurts when you see pictures you were excited for & are crushed with disappointment by how you look. I cannot even tell you how many outfits that I liked & thought I looked ok in that immediately went to the salvation army bin after seeing pictures of myself in them (lol - like it was the clothes!) I try to use those moments as motivation now instead of letting it defeat me. I think of every photo as my "before" photo that instead of being shameful will be something for me to display & say - Look at what I did!!!!
Good luck along this not so fun journey of weightloss!
Lifeguard-- That's a good Idea-- keeping present pics as look where I was and now look where I am. I try to think like that too... Even when I see people now (and am embarrased because of my weight) I think-- let em chatter about the weight I've gained because a year from now when I see them again, they'll be eating their words! Its all about the progress!
I have since learned that it is psychological, I know what to expect. Loosing weight doesn't take care of everything. Not everyone magically becomes a new person. It takes more emotional work. This site has been an eye opener, reading all the stories of those that have been there. Counseling is also a benefit. These things didn't come to me until my mid 30's, but better late than never I guess.
I agree with this. There's a reason for the disconnect you describe and therapy, while not the only way, can be a very helpful way to find out why the disconnect exists. I don't know if you're a student or not but most colleges have no or low cost counseling available on campus. It also took me well into my 30's to start understanding the emotional and psychological underpinnings of my overeating. I hope you won't wait that long.
And, as the others said, congratulations on earning the honor to speak at this event!!
I'm so impressed by your accomplishment, and I hate that you have to feel bad about it in ANY way because you should be so proud of yourself! Unfortunately, we live in a society where we feel like if we're overweight it negates all the good stuff we KNOW is within us. Even though we know better, when we see the pictures we can't help getting a little down. I've been through that so many times, and I avoid the camera like it's the West Nile virus or something.
All last year, my first year of teaching, I avoided the video cameras of my students who film school stuff for their little news program. I have such a great relationship with many of the students, and they really wanted me to get involved but I avoided it as much as possible. I felt really bad saying no, but I knew that seeing myself on the screen in front of my classroom and knowing the whole school was looking would just kill me.
These are some of the reasons a light finally clicked on in my brain. I know now that I HAVE to resolve this so I can get on with my life and so that these kinds of fears and feelings won't stop me from doing things I want and need to. I don't want my weight to stop me from accomplishing things, from helping people.
I don't even know you, but I'm proud of you for getting up in front of that room and talking for so many reasons. One -- Tom Brokaw!!!! And another -- you're 20!!! At 20, I could barely talk in front of my own friends!! It's wonderful that you're here on this board and getting support and encouragement at your age, because you can resolve this now and you have a long, healthy life in front of you!!
Thank You All!! You've all been fabulous. I'm so glad Im not the only one.
You were all right about having to do alot of inner work.My best friend said pretty much the same things only she prefaced it with "You putz" She also said that I had to find one nice thing to say about me in the pics, I said my neck looked nice.Not much, I know, but the best I can do. She also said I should really post the pics cause they are on the internet anyhow and I may as well show them to people who are sympathetic.
What I see are intelligent eyes and an incredibly beautiful smile. And, woman, you're standing next to TOM BROKAW!
I second every word of that. You are shining from the inside out.
I know exactly how you feel. I remember a recital I did in particular, because I was performing a difficult and long concerto. Because I could never find anything that fit properly, I was wearing an old standby of a dress that was velour and tight (and shiny!!!). I felt just awful in it.
When I watched the tape of the performance, I hated how I looked.... and it showed. When I was done with the concerto, I just kind of ran off the stage. I didn't even notice that I had recieved a standing ovation. i was embarassed to take a proper bow. I will regret this forever.
I know it's hard to believe comments that are different than what you are feeling, but as my mom says, never be afraid to let your light shine. That is an incredible accomplishment, especially for someone your age. I don't even know you and I felt very proud looking at those pictures.
When Pics make you Cry
You deserve to feel good about it. 
This is something I and many others have struggled with our entire lives. I lost about 120 pounds a number of years ago and everyone said I looked great. I, on the other hand, couldn't "see" it. Oh, intellectually my brain knew that the clothes were smaller, but the true "knowing" wasn't there. I was miserable. I felt like I had been broadsided by a bus. Here I had done all this work, for what?? Where were the great feelings? 
I also didn't have the supportive people around me at the time. 
