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Humor: Holiday Eating Tips

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Old 12-22-2005, 05:09 PM   #1
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Default Humor: Holiday Eating Tips

(courtesy of the blog "I'm Such a Scale Ho"--smilies courtesy of moi )

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa , position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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Old 12-22-2005, 05:16 PM   #2
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*snort*
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Old 12-22-2005, 07:15 PM   #3
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Old 12-22-2005, 10:05 PM   #4
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OMG that is tooooo funny!!!!!
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Old 12-22-2005, 10:28 PM   #5
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hahaha that was funny!! I loved the first one!!
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Old 12-22-2005, 11:43 PM   #6
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LOL. That was funny especially the egg nog one since I absolutely love eggnog.
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Old 12-23-2005, 09:40 PM   #7
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Thanks, Jen ~ I was in the mood for a good snort!
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Old 12-24-2005, 02:48 AM   #8
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I shall be strictly adhering to these rules when I go to SIL's place on Boxing Day. Thanks for the tips, Jen.
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Old 12-24-2005, 01:53 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teahoney
LOL. That was funny especially the egg nog one since I absolutely love eggnog.
Ive never had it, what is it? isnt it made with raw eggs??
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Old 12-25-2005, 03:50 PM   #10
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Eggnog isn't common in the UK, and it is made with raw eggs. The closest you will find commercially is Advocaat, the dutch drink also made with eggs. It;s pretty sweet and sickly!!!

My dh loved your list Jen!!!
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