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The things people say...

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Old 12-13-2005, 02:01 AM   #1
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Default The things people say...

I was reading through Howie's post about the comments being made to him and it brought me to a situation that I had yesterday. It made me giggle - which shows me how far I have come in my sensitivity to people. So, I decided to share my giggle with you.

I took my children to a Christmas Party for their daycare. I have two lovely girls - both my children are average weight (ie. not fat like their mother and yes, I will take the glory for that in helping my children have good food choices and plenty of exercise, but that is another post!!).

Anyway, I was standing and chatting with this lovely, thin blonde mother who I hadn't met before. Is it just me or do others get the "okay, I am in the land of a fat-phobic". I had that sense, so I was doing my usual lovely personality, make the connection, let your personality outshine your body size thing while getting to know this rather arrogant mother. I decided that was her problem not mine and it would not impact how I would interact with her. You know, it is Christmas, be a good person and remember the season stuff that I remember (although, not everyone does as you will soon see). Then, a little girl from the day care who has dark brown eyes and curly hair (just like me) and is quite a round child came over to talk to me. This women asked if that was my daughter. I said No and pointed out who my children were. And then - zinger - she replies "Oh, you're big and she is big, it only makes sense that I would think she is yours".

Wouldn't it be crappy to think it would be alright to make that kind of comment to another human being? While the initial reaction is "OMG", I turned and looked at her and with my dark brown eyes staring directly into hers, I smiled my lovely smile and said "Never make assumptions". She then became uncomfortable and fidgety and I just let her feel it...I am in a better place than I was a few years ago. They only way I can feel intimidated is if I allow myself to be and I won't be letting that happen. So, Merry Christmas. I do hope Santa brings this Mother a personality for Christmas.

Cheers,
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Old 12-13-2005, 02:57 AM   #2
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What a thing to say. I love what you posted on my thread and I have already used it. People are just clueless and in there own little world.
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Old 12-13-2005, 03:08 AM   #3
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People are jerks! I cannot believe that woman said that to you!

I had a weird conversation with my friend a few weeks back.. I was feeling pretty crappy about my body, and so I told her. I told her I was feeling fat, and while I knew I WAS fat, I just felt more gross than usual. My closest friend replied "I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that". I think it shows immaturity more than anything... but in my mind it just said to me that she really does think I'm fat. I just had to share my stupid people story!

-Aimee
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Old 12-13-2005, 09:23 AM   #4
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Hang on Aimee...if I were her I wouldn't know what to say to that either. I don't think there IS anything good to say to a statement like that.

Now if she were MY best friend, she would have said to me one of two things:
"Yep, I'm feeling it too..." Then we'd compete to see who feels the fattest!
OR....
"Well then, do something about it!"
She is the same size I am, and we use these phrases on each other, depending on who feels fat or who feels thinner. We've had periods throughout our long friendship where one of us has been thinner than the other. It has been going back and forth for years and years.
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Old 12-13-2005, 10:16 AM   #5
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Aimee,

Maybe it was better that your friend said that. If she had tried to say something else, it might have come out wrong and seemed worse. I know I said in Howie's thread that people were idiots, but maybe sometimes they don't mean things the way they come out. I know that for my own self, sometimes I say something, and it didn't come out right, and I spend weeks beating myself up. My only hope is that people know me well enough to know that the words didn't come out right ~ because I am not a mean uncaring person. Even on here, I sometimes wish I had not said a thing, or don't say something because I am afraid it will be taken the wrong way ~ and there is no way on here for you all to know me and that I would never intentionally be mean or unkind.

I think sometimes weight, or other things is an uncomfortable topic and people aren't sure what to say.
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:39 PM   #6
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Oh! I can't believe the things people say!!

Jenaya - that's awesome, good for you!! It's horrible that people react that way, but I can't think of a better way to come out of it. You're so right, personality is key.. and that's what truly shines!!


Aimee - that truly sucks.. I'm sorry. I know what you mean, I think I'd react the same way. I've recently heard a friend of mine say things, knowing that she hasn't intended for them to hurt me, but now I'm not sure I feel comfortable being around her. I can understand it's a difficult thing for people to talk about some days, especially if they may not want to offend/hurt us.. I just wish it went without all the negativity associated with being overweight, and then voila! the world would be much more accepting and comfortable! hang in there..!
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:49 PM   #7
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I've never been particularly sensitive about my weight. Yes, it made me uncomfortable in certain situations and I didn't feel very good about myself. But, it never really bothered me if people said something that indicated they noticed I was fat. Afterall, I was fat - I can't fault other people for noticing. A blatantly mean comment is one thing. Poorly chosen words with no malice is quite another. To me that would be like getting mad because someone bought be a 3X shirt for Christmas. I certainly wouldn't be offended because they knew I was fat enough to need that size. I'd be embarrassed that they knew I was that big, but not offended.

Aimee, I know your friend's comment rubbed you the wrong way. But, really, you are very lucky to have a friend who is sensitive enough not to want to hurt your feelings while still being brave enough not to tell you a lie about your weight and honestly admit that she doesn't know what to say.


Jenaya, that was the perfect response! I am a firm believer in killing people with kindness. It works every single time!
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Old 12-13-2005, 01:00 PM   #8
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Jenaya: Since it is the season of giving, you could always wish your lost pounds on her It still just astounds me how people just make assumptions like that.

Aimee: I agree that it sounds like your friend truly didn't know how to respond and was afraid of hurting your feelings. I know what you mean though by having "fat" days and good days. We all know that we are fat but some days you can be fat and fabulous while others you feel fat and slobbish.
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Old 12-13-2005, 01:21 PM   #9
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Jenaya - That thin little blonde mother doesn't need personality for Christmas - she needs to replace the foot that she stuck in her mouth....lol

Aimee - I think your friend was just afraid to say the wrong thing to you. It could have been alot worse......
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Old 12-13-2005, 03:41 PM   #10
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It definitely could have been worse... the thing that bothered me the most? She tells me that she's fat about every 5 minutes when we hang out together, and I spend QUITE a bit of time trying to help her feel better about herself. So if I'm investing the time and energy, how come she gets to take the easy way out? This is supposed to be a friendship, we are 100% honest with eachother about nearly everything... my weight is the subject thats "taboo". I suppose it's easy to always want more...

-Aimee
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Old 12-13-2005, 03:47 PM   #11
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Aimee - if you don't mind me asking how tall are you and what's your weight? And the same questions about your friend....if you don't mind. If you would rather not say - that's ok too...
I'm 5'7"
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Old 12-13-2005, 06:53 PM   #12
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"To me that would be like getting mad because someone bought be a 3X shirt for Christmas."

Speaking of 3X that reminds me of something that happened recently. My mom decided to get me some clothes as a gift. When they arrived I tried them on and they were all too big and not just a little to big but falling off. When my mom asked me if I had liked them I told her it was kind of her to think of me and that I was grateful but I would need to return them to get a smaller size. She said she had ordered the same size she had gotten three years ago and she didn't understand how they couldn't fit. I said well I have lost weight and have been working out. Now my mom sees me everyday and it is very discouraging to think that someone has not noticed when you have lost close to 50 lbs. Anyway I returned then and ended up getting pants that fit in a size large which felt really great! I am still not sure about what to make of that who situation with my mom. She has always had weight issues and I think a lot of her stuff spills over.

About that same time we had a weird conversation. I was talking about a program I am trying to get into in school. The program is very limited so the competition is tough. My GPA is really good so I have a very good chance of getting in for next year. One of the things needed for the selection is an in person interview before the panel of instructors. My mom told me I may not get in because I am fat. That just blew me away because it was so unnecessary and so untrue. It really bugged me a lot for a while but then I thought about it and figured it was just her own stuff and I don't have to take that on unless I want to. Frankly I find it amazing that I have even a shred of self esteem at times because my family has been that way my whole life. That part that is astounding is that they are all fat themselves.
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Old 12-13-2005, 08:33 PM   #13
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Jenaya,

Wow. That is soooo funny. I can't believe that someone just chomp on their whole foot like that. Amazing. I liked your response.
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Old 12-13-2005, 08:44 PM   #14
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People are just so complex with their reactions to things.. it constantly amazes me. It's hard to know what the solution is.. or if it's worth the energy it may take. Its like when I was younger, if a cute boy turned me down, I'd be all "well I'mgoing to get hot, and cute and he's going to want me". Well guess what.. he wasn't worth the energy! LOL, oh jr high!

Star - I'm 5'8" and weigh about 263 (my scale is a little off, so maybe 15 pounds lighter than that), I wear a size 18. My friend is the exact same height as me and wears a size 12-13. She's definitely smaller than I am.. may I ask why?

-Aimee
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Old 12-13-2005, 09:14 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SwimGirl
So if I'm investing the time and energy, how come she gets to take the easy way out? This is supposed to be a friendship, we are 100% honest with eachother about nearly everything... my weight is the subject thats "taboo". I suppose it's easy to always want more...
My best friend is like that- she has taken me to the ER several times, saw me spend 2 weeks in the hospital last December for severe headaches caused by occipital neuralgia (basically I had a headache 24/7 for 3 months), taken me to numerous doctors visits, etc and she can still complain to me when she gets a headache that 2 tylenol takes care of. I'm not saying she doens't have pain- but just I don't need to be the one to hear about how bad her headache is when I've been taking trying everything under the sun to get my headaches under control. I honestly don't know what to say so usually I end up changing the subject or something. It is so like those people who complain about needing to lose 5 pounds before they dare wear shorts again who go on and on like we should be understanding since 'we must feel the same way, right?'...while we're standing there proundly in our shorts and felt pretty comfortable with our body until then
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