Enough is enough. I am so upset with myslef. Do you realize that this time last year, I was nearly at my goal? I don't quite know what happened. In actuality, I do know what happened. I got pregnant and gave myself the ticket to all food buffets. I cannot believe I let this happen to me. I feel so embarrased about my weight now, I feel so ugly and like everyone is laughing at me.. I am a failure at this. I tried once since I gave birth, to get back onto my plan. I couldn't. My time restraints are so pressing. I make sloppy food choices and totally wrong choices. I know better so why do I continue to choose the wrong path? I know what to do. I keep telling myself that I start again next week-- this is not a good sign. Food makes me so happy lately. My life has changed and I have this wonderful son. My home life is totally wonderful. I couldn't be happier with my new family. I don't know why I can't control my eating. I truly feel like a fat blob. I have nothing to wear, I am embarrased to eat infront of people because the selections I am making are terrible. Normally, I am a positive person, with an awesome outlook on life but lately, that person has escaped me. All of you who know me, KNOW this isn't who I used to be. I need some encouragement right about now. Help me get back on track please. I am so jealous of all of you who kept up with this I am also very proud. I just wish I could be a part of that group. Instead, I find myself back at square 1 starting all over again. I know once I get myself going, I will be ok. But to get myself going has become the real problem. I'd love your feedback. Help!!
__________________ Gretchen On this rollercoaster ride for the last time!
Gretchen -- I have been there before. About 6 years ago I started doing it all right. Food, exercise... I went from 250 to about 217 and was feeling great. Okay, I wasn't close to a goal, like you, but I was totally in control.
And then, I lost "it" (long story for later) -- the edge, the motivation, whatever keeps us on track. In 6 years I gained all that weight back plus 45 pounds. Fat blob indeed!! As the weight piled on I completely gave up. Why bother? I would try to maintain a light exercise regime, but couldn't be bothered to worry about food at all. I tried, halfheartedly, but nothing really got me going.
And I'm back -- I started over (another story for later). And I'm almost down to my starting point 6 years ago (I keep thinking how pathetic to be excited to get back to a weight I hated!). And I'm still scared to lose "it" again.
Remember you can start with small steps! Start making some better choices -- walk a little, etc. You have a son and you want to be healthy for HIM! I think sometimes getting started is one of the hardest things.
I wrote myself a letter that I may need in the future, if I ever start gaining back the weight, to try and remind myself of WHY I'm doing this in the first place. Maybe you could do that too.
The letter is below. Good luck, and keep us posted!!!
Well, hey there Future Self!!
You did it, didn’t you? You’ve ditched the plan and fallen off the wagon, haven’t you? You’ve maybe gained back some (a lot?!) of the weight you lost, and you’re feeling out of control right now. You can’t help but war with yourself over the food you feel you shouldn’t have, and you quit exercising. Or worse, maybe you’ve just totally given up, again. In fact, I know you pretty well, and I bet you’re feeling kinda sorry for yourself huh? Poor thing…
But that attitude will get you nowhere. QUIT IT!!!!!
You. Can. Do. This!
I want you to think back to why you started this whole journey in the first place. Recall, if you will:
• You weighed just under 300 pounds by your scale, and probably over 300 on any other scale. That’s a lot of you!
• You had a bad fall and were in a lot of pain and had trouble moving – do you want your weight keep you in stiffness and pain?
• What about your dad and his diabetes? Your MIL and her back? What about not being able to stand up from the floor with any kind of grace whatsoever because of your weight? What about just feeling like a hippo all the time?
• What about being able to do the things you want to do and buy the clothes you want to buy? Remember the great feeling of shopping in your closet? Don't you want to shop in normal stores? Take trips without worrying about flights and seat sizes and accomodations?
• And while we’re at it, let’s talk about food. I know you think that those Cheetos and Fritos and especially that Ice Cream and Macaroni and Cheese give you comfort, but they don’t. No one’s saying you can’t have them – you will have to moderate them. And believe me when I tell you that you LOVE fruit! And yummy veggies, and Kashi bars!!! You’re not giving up foods you love, you’re finding new food friends. And I bet you miss that feeling of control you had about those trigger foods too. Remember: you could walk away from the candy on the secretary’s desk EVERY DAY!
• And exercise! You didn’t always like starting, but you really liked walking to the music, releasing some stress, feeling what you body could do!
• Oh, and what about how you feel at the end of the day? Are you tired? Taking naps again? Well, when you ate better, you didn’t get so many low blood sugar dips!! You can be that way again!
• You’ve been in control of your health before and loved it! You can love it again!
Okay, I know, it’s not so easy. The problem is you think it’s all insurmountable. Something little happened, and you got off track, and then something else, and then it snowballed and pretty soon there went all the good habits right out the window. I know all about it, because it’s happened before!
So, how can you get it back? Baby steps! Remember?
• If you’ve stopped journaling your food – get back to it ASAP! Remember how it helped you learn good habits? And quickly! Get back to counting calories and fats and all. It’s easy and you actually liked it!!
• Take back your attitude about food. Keep asking yourself: is this worth it to me in the long run? Sometimes the answer will be yes, but often it will be no, and you’ll feel proud of yourself when you resist!
• And get moving again. You may not love it all the time, but it helps you so much!!
• Remember, you don’t have to make changes all at once. Gradually build in more healthy behaviors. But don’t wait for some mythical “better” time in the future. Take control now!
• Finally, go back to reading 3fc! You were inspired by those stories, and talking about your story helped keep you going too! There’s support there for you.
Remember your pledge to yourself: to be healthier at 50 than you were at 39 (or the fast approaching 40). That’s what’s important, not the taste of that food or the TV shows you're probably watching too much of.
And you can do it. I, more than anyone else, know you can!! It's easy: Eat Less. Move More.
Your healthier and thinning past self.
My 5 C's of healthy living: Commitment to conscious control, with the understanding that choices have consequences
Your body just went through an amazing, exhausting miracle - giving birth. When I had my son (15 years ago, so this might be outdated), they said it can take up to a full year for the body to heal completely from childbirth. I know that's not a free ticket to eat whatever you want, but try to keep in mind a portion of that weight is baby weight.
Also, you are in what is called the "baby blur" ... that happens for probably two years, where you are so busy taking care of the baby that you forgot that you have needs too. It's difficult to take time out to prepare a healthy meal when your bigger priority is in the other room crying, or getting into the garbage, or eating a morsel of who-knows-what on the floor, etc.
I'm sure it'll require some crafty planning (as does everything after the birth of a baby), but I know you can do it again! Personally, I had to line up every other area of my life in order to get myself in the mindset to lose (and I've only lost 15 pounds so far, so I'm not even going to pretend I know what I'm talking about).
I wish I had some more practical ideas about how to exercise with a baby. I can offer you support and words of encouragement, though! And almost reaching goal is phenomenal! You did it once, and you will do it again.
I'm off to write a Future Self letter! That's a good idea. I'm also going to write one for when I've reached goal.
Gretchen, first of all here is a big Believe me, you are not alone in your struggles. Please remember that you have experienced a HUGE change in your life with having a baby. That will take some time to adjust to a new little person demanding your time 24/7. Just the fact that you are reaching out for help means you are on the right track to begin with instead of sliding further and trying to take back control. I think a lot of us have been struggling lately, maybe it is the weather, who knows. How to get the motivation back or the drive? Breaking through the psychological barrier is tough. I would suggest taking it one step at time. Logically, of course you know what to eat and what not too eat, but sometimes the heart does not always agree with the head and throws a temper tantrum until you give it what it wants. It is tough to annoy the little voice that says "But it tastes so good!" You can do this! Take it one step at time. Maybe in the beginning, just start by writing everything down and then gradually start to plan out you day, even if it is just one day at a time. I think once Carson is a little older, you will find that a little easier. Forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up about the past choices you have been making. Look at today as a brand new day, without any mistakes in it. Maybe set up just one goal to accomplish for the day, even something simple as I will drink 8 glasses of water today. By accomplishing the one goal a day, you can increase once you feel comfortable and get back into your groove. Cheers!
I just know that this isn't how I am. (well, it is but it isn't). My knees hurt, my rolls stick out, I find myself tugging at my shirts all the time, I WILL NOT wear anything to draw attention to me, my hair is always up, a quickie make-up job for work and that's it. I used to be so stylish, always with the hair and make-up, neat trendy clothes, and I felt PROUD! These days, I feel like such a dried up old lady. I need to try to find some time to focus on myslef but it is so hard. I work full time, I have adjusted my schedule and I work 6:30am to 3:00pm I commute an hour each way, I am leaving my home at 5:30 every morning which means I get up at 4:00am. When I get home (at 4:00pm) I pick up Carson, unload the diaper bag, repack it for the next day, take out the bottles, wash them, re-fill them, Feed Carson, give him a quick bath, change him into his PJ's get him down for a nap, make dinner, eat quickly, clean up the dishes, pick up all the stuff lying around from the night before, throw a load of laundry in and by this time it's 9:00 and time to feed Carson again. I feel SO guilty for not spending more time with Carson--I've tried so hard to incorporate some me time, but truthfully, I can't even squeeze it in. I am also making a career change, I actually have a 4th round interview with the VP and HR people on Monday-- the job will be much closer to home, potentially a little more demanding (Its a Branch Manager for a staffing company) a lot more $$ and more time at home (during my sons awake hours anyway). All around I think that move will be a much better one for our family. My husband will change shifts so that we can completely eliminate child care and I think that I will potentially find some time to get to Curves or something. I need to come up with a plan...........
__________________ Gretchen On this rollercoaster ride for the last time!
Sounds like you have a lot going on Gretchen. You just have to take one day at a time. I can relate to the working full-time and then coming home to having to everything. It's hard to do sometimes. And to find time for yourself.. well can be impossible. I hope you get the new job. I think it might help you feel more stettled. You will definitely be able to get in some me time.
wyllenn good idea with the letter to your future self. I might have to write one too.
__________________ You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
When you had Carson you joined that new mama club. People don't talk about it much and I would say the majority of women who have a newborn (either through natural or adoption) will experience this. Before the baby came along you only had to focus on you (and Jeremy of course). But now that baby is here that focus shifts to him and your needs take a back seat. I'm not sure why this happens but it seems like no matter how hard you try to get yourself in the front seat you stay strapped in the back.
It's even harder for you because you have the been there done that t-shirt (that no longer fits) and now you can't get back there and it's like hitting your head against the wall.
Since I went through the same thing after having William, I'll give you a few tips on how you can get back on track.
1) Take a long walk one of these evenings, either with the baby or by yourself. It will not only get you back to exercising but will help you to get your head cleared and back on track.
2) Start making small changes. Eat a healthy breakfast, for one week. Prepare you a lunch the night before the next so you know you are getting a healthy meal. Then plan in a couple of healthy snacks.
3) Because it is so overwhelming right now trying to do it all again, give yourself permission to only do a couple of things right now. That was hard for me to do when I fell off the wagon. I was eating great, exercising well and then I stopped. When I tried to start again I would do well for a few days only to give up again because I couldn't do it. I finally had to tell myself that I'm actually starting over and if that means only working on 1-2 healthy meals a day and 15 minutes of exercise so be it. I'm working on it. I since added in eating 3 healthy meals and 2 healthy snack and aiming for 1 hour of exercise a day 6x a week.
Because your main focal point in your life shifted from you to Carson, I can tell you that you will not be able to do the old plan you once did. Not right now anyway. I know that once you do start getting back on track the pieces will fall into place and it will get a lot easier to juggle baby/work/hubby/diet and exercise.
The other posters are right that it will take your body a good year to heal from having the baby.
I remember your fire and spunk and I know that once you are able to find it there will be not stopping you and that you will get this weight back off. There is no reason for you to hang your head and be ashamed of your food choices.
I too had a child - now 2 years ago- when I gave birth I was 50 lbs less than I am now. Now its only 30lbs more so I am making a difference. Being pregnant is hard on the body. Hormonally your body tells you things you need. So many times I've read where someone has gained 70 lbs.
You are in the right place. Just know that we've all done this. I know so many times in my recent life I have said 'If I had just stayed on plan on <insert any diet here> I wouldn't weight this much now' I think we all can relate to that.
You have reached a turning point now. You are wondering now how you can fix this and the truth is that you realize you aren't happy. I didn't realize it until I got to 280 lbs. What will be different when you lose weight? How will you feel? How is it going to change your life? use this as your focus. You want to feel better, be healthier, be active with your baby. You aren't doing this because your husband can't stand you or you think people are looking at you funny. Its all within you. You just have to draw from that.
I'm pretty new here but its tremendous to be able to come on and post my struggles and hear its not that bad or how about eating more veges, or drink more water. It helps so much!
I can relate to how you are feeling. When the twins came along I thought I'd never get to catch my breath much less spend an hour at the gym every day. It will get easier though. As Carson gets older things will start to fall into place. In the meantime, don't try and make everything just so. I know this is hard for a lot of people (I really, really struggled with it) but the dishes in the sink will still be there tomorrow. And the stuff you pick up today will be strewn about again tomorrow. Now, I'm not saying learn to live with a filthy house. But, you have a new baby and it is perfectly okay to relax your standards a bit. If you want to spend more time with Carson (although I bet you are giving him more that enough attention but all new moms want to give their babies 24/7 and it just can't be done) something else will have to give. Everyone around you will understand. And if you need help ask for it. I know that when our first son was born I refused to accept help when it was offered and wouldn't ask for it no matter how overwhelmed I felt. I guess I felt like I should be able to do it all and thought I might be seen as a failure if I didn't. Don't fall into that trap because there isn't any need for it.
As for diet and exercise, do what you can when you can. There are lots of exercises that you can do with your baby - a quick google search will pull up all sorts of ideas. As for food you might consider taking a Saturday afternoon and cooking up a couple of batches of healthy meals for the freezer. I did this when my children were much younder and I still worked and it was a LIFESAVER. I didn't use them everyday but it was great having them there on those days when I just couldn't bring myself to cook.
I know it is easier said than done but make as much effort as you can not to lose yourself just because you've added "mommy" to your resume. You can find that proud woman you once were you just might have to slow down a bit to look for her.
I don't really have much advice to offer you, that hasn't been said... baby steps! (hmm...) However, I do want to let you know a LOT of people around me are finding they just CAN'T stop eating! Myself included, I thought it was just PMS, but my mom (thank goodness for her) found a lot of people she knows are having the same issue. Generally winter is a time for packing on the pounds, cooler temps, difference in sunlight are all factors. Also, You definitely have a heavy load, and I second Dawnyal, don't do it all.. start slowly. You WILL get there!
Alright, Gretchengirl, my old friend -- it's you and me, babe. I didn't have a baby, and sure as heck don't have the time constraints you do with a new baby in the house -- but in some other ways we've shared a similar experience.
We were both doing beautifully last year -- we were virtually unstoppable. Remember our phone conversations about how we were doing and how determined we were? Then you had to go get yourself pregnant -- and I went and got myself cancer. These are the days of our lives .....it all goes into that "Life Happens" category, you know?
Well now here you are back where you started and struggling to find your mojo in the midst of all that you've got going on.....and I'm not quite back where I started, but I DID regain during chemo (I used to say about the steroids, "I'll kick your *** and THEN I'll take your food!" ) and I am STILL not exercising regularly or making responsible food choices consistently -- and I'm looking around for MY mojo in the midst of struggling with a lingering premature (chemo-induced) menopause, diminished energy (they say it'll be a year) and Lorraine's struggle with Lyme Disease -- all while I'm working full time, too, with my own commute from ****. It's all just a freaking LOT, isn't it, Gretchen???
So here's my proposition: We have a quick daily check-in with one another by phone during our commutes or whatever. Together we can formulate our plans [and it doesn't have to be all or nothing, Gretchen, REMEMBER that!!!] and check in with one another on how we're doing in meeting our commitments to ourselves. Maybe we don't check in on both weekend days, or maybe we do....whatever. We can talk about that.
I do know that while I just don't feel the passion I once did, I'm no less frustrated than you with my regression and regain. You know it's all a head thing -- you know that more than a lot of folks out there. My heart broke a little reading about your shame and diminished self-esteem. I can relate though -- I'm going through some of the same stuff -- although in some respects going through advanced cancer and hard-core chemo pushed me over a little on the "what the ****, it's my life, screw 'em" side. If it's any comfort to you, imagine having inch-long hair along with the returning extra chins!!! It's just a sad, sad, sad thing.... But life is just too, too short, and too much of a gift to squander with regrets and "if only's." You know? I think we both just need to start living the lives we feel we deserve TODAY -- and that means making the choices that we're proud of. Easier said than done, I know -- I'm right there with you, sister. But maybe we can help one another to remember our capabilities and priorities.
So I offer myself to you and hope you'll accept -- I think it would really help both of us. And if you don't feel like at this point a daily check-in is the right thing at the right time, NO WORRIES! Whatever you need, I'm here for you. I just dug out your 821 number, and I'm going to call you on my way home from work tonight. I'll also PM you my numbers and home and work email addies, so you can contact me as well whenever you get a moment to breathe.
Just know you're not alone, and that things absolutely will improve for you once you start to take some positive steps and see the first little bit of loss. (I'm saying that as much for my own benefit as for yours! )
Hey, and good luck with that job as well!!! Sounds like you're doing GREAT with it, so keep the faith, girlfriend!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Gretchen I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. I too am almost back to where I started from. Two weeks after I had Ryan I was down a total of 54 pounds from the year before I ate so healthy for him while I was pregnant, but since I had him I'm ashamed to say that I gained almost 35 pounds of that back. Everyone here had some great suggestions and I am going to try and incorporate some of them into my life too. If ya need to talk you know where to find me
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt
Winners must have 2 things - definite goals and a burning desire to achieve them
I'm so glad you posted Sarah. I was just writing to Gretchen on another thread telling her how much her post meant to me when I was starting. You were another one who I really enjoyed reading. You two together were such and inspiration to me.
I know where you both are right now and can relate so much. 14 years ago I lost almost 200 lbs and then when I broke my back(Gretchen got pregnant, Sarah got cancer life happens) I gained almost all of it back. It took me 12 years to get my mojo back. Don't let that happen to you guys. It's too easy to fall back into the old habits. I can tell you one thing. Once you get back on track you will be able to see where you went wrong and you won't be as likely to let it happen again. I know there is something about going though this twice that just opens your eyes to a new way of life.
Next thing is, GRETCHEN you are a beautiful person and are worth the effort to give this gift to yourself. So don't be down on yourself. We tend to think much worse of ourselves than anyone else does.
You both know what to do and Sarah has given a great plan to get you going. So take hold of her hand and use each other as a spring board to get this thing started again. This time next year you will be coming on here as a maintainer. I know you can do it.
Goal of 245 Made 12/21/05 Half the man.
New Goal to regain the above goal.
Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever
you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Gretchen, Sarah, everyone... Its seems that when we start these life changing journeys, we can be so gung ho, take charge, ***-kicking and raring to go, so much so that the feelings can even last for an extended period of time, giving us a false sense of our new selves. But in all actuality, we as mortal human beings, cannot give it 110% with a big 'ol cheesy grins on our faces indefinitely, if we hope to succeed in this journey with honor and authenticity. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when the highs are so high, the inevitable lows are so damn low. So here you are now, completing another turn in the same viscous cycle, and absolutely loathing and blaming yourselves for what? Being human? Life happens, and it always has been, as it always will be your choice as to what you do with the curve balls as they are thrown to you. Yes, things have happened that you had absolutely no control over, so now you must learn to make the best out of what you have. It may sound simple, but what else can we do? And other things have happened that you've had complete control over, but for whatever reasons, you've made some not so great choices, as we all have and will continue to do. So what's my point? Just this; what's done is done, and the only one who can determine your future is you. So you're back to where you started, okay, now what? Keep kicking yourself for it? Or do something about it? The choice is yours.
I’m sorry if my words come across harsh in any way, which is certainly not my intention. My words simply come from a place of love and respect and complete understanding. And Gretchen, knowing you the way I do, I suspect a good ***-kicking is just the motivation you may need to rediscover that elusive mojo. To everyone who is struggling, just know that in one way or another, this really can be done. The power is in you, it always has been.
New goal: staying binge free and losing those last few again, but for the last time!!
"Never trade what you want at the moment for what you want the most." -unknown
"Your power is in your ability to decide." -fortune cookie
"Hope; after a storm birds always sing." -unknown