It was my son's bday. So we had a great day. We were out and about and didn't eat lunch. So when it came to get dinner we got fajias. I was very careful and think I did okay. No cheese just meat and onions and tortilla- I had two pieces of meat on each tortilla. But I know how mexican food is for points!
Then came the birtday cake. Have you seen those walmart cupcake cakes? I thought great idea I'll do that so I won't have a big ol' cake left over. Instead I had 6 little cakes leftover - an the convenience! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
I did so good yesterday I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast, had some carrotts for snack, had a whole wheat tuna sandwich with celery and baked lays, an apple and then I came home and BAM I ate a cup cake. Then I started grazing and putting whatever I could in my mouth.
So here is the deal my mother competes with me. Treats me like competition instead of a daughter. I started weight watchers for me and a week later she starts. Then she comes in with all these great things she is doing. She even tells my sister we are having a competition. Its not like that. For one thing she weighed 40 lbs less than me. I'm happy she is losing weight. But the stuff she does is always better and she cooks so much more than me...she goes as far to cook just weight watchers meals all day. I remember at the very beginning she told me she was always starving. She finally admitted she was living off 1 pt soup. I said mom eat somthing. It was then I realized she wants to beat me and my sister and dh said the same thing before I said anything. Anyway It was a nightmare because when she came she was telling me how all her clothes are falling off her. I guess its hard to just be on a diet and be supportive but to have someone compete when you aren't in the mood to compete its kind of annoying. I just want to lose 30 lbs right now - just for the energy alone, hoping that will push me past to my next goal.
Could you suggest to your mom and sister that you'd like to do this as a team and to support each other....and take the competition factor out of the mix?
No one can compete with you without your permission. Every time she says something about it, you can reply calmly with a smile, "This isn't a competition to me." When she says things about how wonderfully she is doing, reply calmly with a smile, "That's great, I'm happy for you." If you treat it like a non-event, it will become a non-event.
If she's trying to prove something to you, you don't have to care. You also don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else, and you should never measure your progress or self-worth against someone else.
One of the keys to making progress for me this time around was to stop focusing on other people and focus only on ME. That meant not eating because other people expected it or wanted me to; it also meant not monitoring my own eating because other people were watching and trying to be food police. I make my food decisions based on ME and nothing else. I don't eat to please (or annoy) other people and I don't NOT eat to please (or annoy) other people. The other side of that coin is that my body, my history, my personality, etc. are all mine, and they are all I have to work with. I cannot spend time and energy envying other people or berating myself for not being like them either in genetic makeup, inclinations, whatever. There are people who will never understand this and they will either be the competitors, or they will simply think there's something wrong with you because you're not as strong/slim/whatever as they are. Fine. Let them think that, let them be competitive. It has nothing to do with you.
I have your stereotypical mother daughter relationship that is dysfunctional. Okay I have known girlfriends who have mothers that are glorious. I have the nightmare mother sometimes and the wonderful give you the shirt of her back mother - you just don't know which one you are going to get.
She lives a state away so its won't be difficult not to discuss with her. I guess when she brings it up I can congratulate her. Then just move on. At the same time she is doing all this I see her doing it but I really am not competing. Its like being in a race with someone running while you are walking. I know this is a long journey and I'm ready for it.
I'm just having problems eating since she came to visit maybe she frazzled me a little bit!
Its like being in a race with someone running while you are walking. I know this is a long journey and I'm ready for it.
Just remember the tortoise and the hare story. the tortoise won the race in the end
If you do take her bait and treat it like a competition, she's only going to continue with her behavior. Funniegrl gave you some great advice. Complement her on what she's done so far and that's it. I wouldn't even add that you may have lost 15 more pounds or are now exercising for xx minutes. That will only cause her to retaliate with more weight and longer exercise.
I would just put this behind you. that was so yesterday. Today is a brand new day to get it right. Just take it one meal at a time today. Worry about eating a healthy breakfast (if you haven't already) Once that is out of the way, move on to the snack, then lunch, dinner. If you still have cupcakes left over and you are afraid you might eat another, crush them up and throw them away.
I too am a slow loser. I love to exercise. I too have come across people that have to do it best, do it faster and get there first. Well you know what I have learned? It doesn't matter how the others do it. What matters is that I keep on going, at my pace, that's how I lose. I can't follow in someonoe else's footsteps - I have to do it MY WAY.........and I'll take credit for what I"VE done. Best of luck to everyone else and their plans......
No one can compete with you without your permission. Every time she says something about it, you can reply calmly with a smile, "This isn't a competition to me." When she says things about how wonderfully she is doing, reply calmly with a smile, "That's great, I'm happy for you." If you treat it like a non-event, it will become a non-event.
If she's trying to prove something to you, you don't have to care. You also don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else, and you should never measure your progress or self-worth against someone else.
I agreed with this, and thought you might also want to say to her that you feel the competitive atmosphere makes it harder for you. She may not hear you the first time you talk to her about it. Honesty can bring good results sometimes though. Some people thrive on competition and see it as a great boost to their efforts. Some don't. She may not realize how much it affects you. Hope that helps
My mother (the ex-100-pound-anorexic) went bananas over some recent photos of me that I sent her -- "oh, you're thin, I can't wait to show you off to my friends," etc. Then she sent me a HUGE box of Harry & David Halloween candy to "congratulate" me. And she's not an idiot -- she did it on purpose because I've NEVER been thinner than her, and now I am. (That may sound paranoid, but it's how our relationship "works," unfortunately).
My solution was to throw away all of the candy. In the OUTSIDE trash with the dog/cat poop. In your situation, perhaps either (a) you could talk to her about how for you the "competition" aspect is not helpful and supportive -- if you think that will be productive, or (b) tell yourself "that's information about her and how she operates in the world -- I won't buy into it."
Good luck, and I can totally relate .
(BTW, I hope it's okay that I crashed the thread)
Last edited by LovesBassets; 10-25-2005 at 12:34 PM.
Reason: spelling
Liz, I think you've gotten some excellent advice here! The bottom line is that you have no control over her communication or behavior. You only have control over your reactions to it. You initially got "frazzled" -- OK! Totally understandable, since she pushes your buttons. But that was then -- like Dawnyal said, it's a new day. It's definitely not easy to deal with when you've got a major stressor um, stressing you! But think about it this way: When she leaves, do you want to have to repair the damage you've done to yourself by emotional eating? Or do you want to instead be able to say to yourself, "Hey! Look at how I handled that! I didn't let her get to me, and I'm still meeting my commitments to myself."
There comes a point when each of us has to come to the realization that these commitments are TO ourselves, FOR ourselves, and ABOUT ourselves. Make up your mind, talk yourself through your choices and emotions.....and STEP AWAY FROM THE CUPCAKES!
Each of us has someone in our lives who, for whatever reason, knocks us off kilter - or off plan.....and one of the differences between those who ultimately succeed in reaching their goals and those who don't is the ability to persevere in spite of -- and sometimes BECAUSE of -- those who have the potential to derail our efforts.
It's all a head thing -- it sounds like you know that, Liz. The key is that you have that internal dialogue with yourself instead of getting lost in the momentary emotion.
You've had some great input already, Liz. It's possible your mother is making it into a competition because she feels threatened by you and your push to become healthier. After all, living on 1 point soup may give quick results in the short term, but it's certainly not a sensible or particularly enjoyable way to do it.
My sister started WW 3 weeks ago. She openly admitted that a large part of her decision was based on seeing my weight edge closer to hers. I've never in my life weighed less than she has, and she didn't want that changing now! When I started, I weighed 62 pounds more than she. When she started, the gap had narrowed to only 11 pounds. Even so, it's definitely not a competition for either of us. She's been cheering me on all the way and I'm doing the same for her.
The point is, it doesn't matter a jot what her initial motivation was. If she feels threatened by the idea of my catching her up, that's about her, not me. I hope you don't allow your mother's issues to interfere with your own efforts and undermine your confidence. You're doing a great job and should be proud of yourself for doing it.
Mother and daughter relationships are such volatile funny things. I am sure there is no one in my life that can set me off like my mom can. There really is not anything further I can add, as always fantastic advice has been posted. Just chant the mantra "Water off a duck's back".
Wow! Thanks to everyone.
One reason I'm happy to have two sons is so I won't screw up another little girl! I'm sure this crazy is hereditary!
My husband ate the cupcakes - last one today at lunch. I'm off work so I stayed away from them! Ate some baked lays, some carrotts, a yogurt, turkey on wheat, and about to eat an apple.
My mother left already. I know she will call on thursday after her weigh in. What sucks is that she doesn't have the monthly weight gain from TOM!
Anyway if she says anything I will definetly say something. I am going to try and not call her on saturday when I normally tell her about my weight loss. If I try to seperate from the ww thing with her it may be harder for her to talk about it and offer me her clothes that are too big, which if you knew my mom you'd realize its not done out of kindness but more of a ha ha you're bigger than me.
emotional eating...can't seem to stop.
The bottom line is that you have no control over her communication or behavior. You only have control over your reactions to it. You initially got "frazzled" -- OK! Totally understandable, since she pushes your buttons. But that was then -- like Dawnyal said, it's a new day. It's definitely not easy to deal with when you've got a major stressor um, stressing you! But think about it this way: When she leaves, do you want to have to repair the damage you've done to yourself by emotional eating? Or do you want to instead be able to say to yourself, "Hey! Look at how I handled that! I didn't let her get to me, and I'm still meeting my commitments to myself."
You go, using your resources!
