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Old 08-30-2005, 12:31 PM   #1
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Good morning ladies, I'm afraid on the exercise front I have not been doing so well at all. Although I do watch 7 kids throughout the day. Guess that counts for something. I am still not able to eat or drink because of what is going on.

I'm gonna kind of give the short version for now. My husband informed me that he no longer loves me and does not want to be married to me. I don't even think devestation could even compare to what I am feeling. I was in the ER Saturday night close to a nervous breakdown. It's taken me a few days and I am getting back into the groove of things. Today is the first day I have not cried all day long. It's a start. I feel mostly just lost and lonely. Oh geez, I'm trying not to cry.

We have decided to try to live in the same house for the next six months to give the kids stability. I took the kids immediately to counseling yesterday and , Dawn, our therapist is going to help us learn on making out situation work. I really don't have many other choices as I am a single mom and I really don't have anything to fall back on.

We are being civil to one another. We have decided that we can be friends and we can make this so that the suffering is miminal.

He is young and I am not quite sure he ever knew the true meaning of love and I can't blame him for that. Any blame game is over as it only hurts the both of us and we both are already hurting. He hurts not for me but for the kids. Soooooooooooooooooo....I am trying so freaking hard to just hold it together and do the best that I can. I can't yell and scream at him and say all the nasty stuff I want to. There is nothing to gain by that. I'm reaching to god right now, but I almost feel betrayed by him. He keeps giving more and more, Stuff that happens each time that takes me straight to the edge.

Last night the mental pain tortured me so bad that I cut. I am a cutter. I know that for some of you that might be to much info but cutting is a part of me and always has been and it is something I try very hard to control. My husband was outside on the phone with his "friend" and I just needed a ounce of compassion and there was none. The worst part of it was that I was bleeding everywhere and my son saw all that. I feel so much shame and guilty that he had see that.

I know I need so much work on myself. I will be looking up a psych doctor in town today. I know that I need weekly maintance with him to keep me in check so that I don't let my mind get out of control.

I'm just so unsure of myself right now. I'm a very strong person and right now I am very weak. I need help being carried through this. I know that time will help this, but right now I am just caught up in the newness of it. The utter shock of it.

I know alot of you don't care to hear that much persoal business but right now I need a really big support system. I don't ask for help hardly ever and I know this time that I can't do this without help.
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If you learn from your suffering, and really come to understand the lesson you were taught, you might be able to help someone else who's now in the phase you may have just completed. Maybe that's what it's all about after all...

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Highest weight: 261
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Old 08-30-2005, 12:50 PM   #2
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Oh Tammy. I am so sorry. You are going through a lot right now. I am hoping that they helped you at the hospital some. Were you able to get ahold of someone to talk with (You mentioned you were going to call a therapist today)? I think that is of the utmost importance -- for you adn your kids. I am glad to hear that you found someone for your kids to talk to.

This is such a difficult time for you and I hope you find the support you need.
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Old 08-30-2005, 01:31 PM   #3
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@Tammy,



Sorry to hear about the bad news. Very hard to hear that the person you love does not feels the same about you. Since I’ve been there a few times myself, I DO care about your situation. Feel free to post any time you want……there will be someone listening
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Old 08-30-2005, 01:38 PM   #4
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Tammy - Watching 7 children would be a workout! I can barely keep up with a very active 7 month old! I'm so sorry to hear about you and your husband splitting up. I can't imagin the pain your feeling right now. Just know that I'm here to lean on. Tammy cry!! I'm all for crying don't push those tears back. They help us deal with our feelings. I'm happy to hear that your going to be civil to one another but it must be hard living in the same house. My best advice is to keep busy. I would ask him to try and not chat with "friend" when you or kids are around. I would think they could handle that for the next 6 months. I'm happy to hear you and the kids are going to counseling.
I have a strong faith and I truely believe that God will be there to help hold you up. Things happen and we don't understand why or how any good could come of it. Time give us these answers. Tammy I haven't heard much about cutting. I know it must of been very scary for your son to witness that. I would talk it over with him.
Tammy I had the feeling from past chats that you are a strong person and everyone gets weak not matter how strong one is. You have to fight for yourself and the kids! I'm here for you. I'm going to IM you my yahoo name. I hope you use yahoo. I have AOL but I don't know if I recall my password it's been ages since I used it. I'm sure Many DO CARE to hear bout it! If you feel it type it! If it's going to help you deal, sometimes seeing it in writing will put things in prespective. Just know I'm here for you and I'll do what I can to help.


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Old 08-31-2005, 12:35 AM   #5
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Unhappy Oh man.

Oh, Tammy. Tammy, honey, I'm so, so sorry. I feel just so awful for you.

And I agree with Mez.....I think you do need to try to talk to your son about it.

We really care about you, Tammy. You DO have the strength to get through this. And you're not alone. You have friends here. I'm going to call you again tomorrow. Here's another for good measure.
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Old 08-31-2005, 12:58 AM   #6
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Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. It is so hard when you recieve a harsh blow to the heart like that. I've been in a similar situation and while it does, eventually, get better over time it is important to let yourself cry and grieve. Crying helps your body release stress hormones. If your kids see you crying, just let them know why you are crying so they are reassured that you're not crying from something they have done.
Don't have any advice regarding the cutting. I am so happy you are seeking professional help for it though
We are here when you need to talk.
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Old 08-31-2005, 01:17 AM   #7
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Tammy I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really don't know what to say except I will be praying for you and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. As far as the cutting goes I think you are doing the right thing in talking to a professional who can help you deal with that. I would not know where to begin with something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself you are going through a bad time in your life and I can understand how that would drive you to drastic actions. I know you know that hurting yourself will not get you what you want or need so please do continue to seek help for that. You have a lot to offer and allthough things look bleak now I'm sure time will help and you will find yourself in a better situation.
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:02 AM   #8
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Tammy -

I am so sorry to hear that about you and your husband. I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be going through. I know you can't yell or scream at him, but maybe take a walk in the woods and get some of it out. Maybe take a boxing class or something to relieve some of the stress. And let the tears fall, this is certainly something to cry about.

I can say that when bad things happen, it just takes time. In a week, you won't feel as bad as today. In a month, better. Two months, even better.

About the cutting. Tammy, please seek out the counseling you had mentioned. I don't know anything about cutting, but I know that it isn't something that you want to leave unresolved.

We are here for you. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:35 AM   #9
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Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it must feel like the whole world (at least the one you know now) is ending. I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be going through. I'm with the others, though: it may be wise just to let it out, cry if you need to cry, yell if you need to yell. My sister used to cut herself, and i think it only got worse when she turned all her emotions inward -- the cutting helped distract her from the horrible emotions she couldn't deal with. Is there somebody who perhaps could watch the kids for a few days while you cope?

I'm glad you're getting some therapy - it can help a lot if you are willing to work and really open up.

Anyway, just know we're here for you. Feel free to PM me at any time.
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:38 AM   #10
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Tammy! Sweet Tammy!

The internet, for some, can be very impersonal. But NOT here - 100lb is a bond. I know that all of us are all over the country - and all over the world. BUT - we are here for you. Close your eye... yes, I mean right now.. close them. Now .. imagine there are about 30 really fat chicks (okay - not all fat - but I am!) sitting in your living room - giving you support. Being with you - listening to you. Being your friend.
That is what I want for you right now. Right now at this moment - you are loved - by all of us. Don't ever forget that. When you feel really low - know that you are loved by us.
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Old 08-31-2005, 11:30 AM   #11
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Tammy, I sent you a PM but just wanted to let you know that we definately are here for you for any kind of support we can offer.

I know that a lot of people may find injuring yourself on purpose to find relief may be rather strange but it is quite common, generally starting in the teen years. I have some experience with something similar so I can relate. Really it is no different than going out on an alcoholic or drug binge or even eating a quart of Ben & Jerrys.
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Old 08-31-2005, 12:03 PM   #12
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>>>>HUG<<<<< Tammy girl, what a horrible situation to be in right now. It's just not fair. It sounds like you're having a real hard time with this. I am here for you. I wish this was easier for you and your kids.
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Old 08-31-2005, 12:50 PM   #13
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The therapist has told the kids that mommy is going to cry and that mommy might cry for a long time. She let them know that this is normal and is part of the healing process. They seem to be doing ok. Seth (Husband) is set up for an appointment with her also so she can help him learn how to make our house peaceful while we are still all living there. I think this was wonderful. None of us really know how to do it. Seth has agreed to see a psychiatrist. I am almost sure he needs to be on Paxil. Everyone in his family is on similar medication. He as also agreed to go to anger management and parenting classes. I know that there is not a chance that this marriage is going to work, but I do know that I will not let him treat Kara bad when he has visitation.

My doctor gave me clonipam(spelling) to keep me from being hysterical all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I did not sleep any last night. My home no longer feels like my home because it is filled with things him and I shared, things that I thought were out of love. I came to my neighbors at 4 this morning cause emotionally I was dying. I ended up doing her laundry and dishes. I was to afraid to let my mind get out of control.

I am will be seeing a new psychiatrist soon. I have to deal with my past. My past is extensive and ugly. I know that I need intense psychotherapy. I'm 33 years old and it is about time that I dealt with my past. I think this is going to be more painful than even my marriage but I can't be the real me until I get the nastiness of my past gone. I have to deal with it. Mourn it, get angry at it, and then accept that it happened to me and it is ok cause I was strong and lived through it.

I am going to see the chaplain today. I need a bit of religious perspective right now. I thought before I did not believe in God but over time I have accepted him into my life. I'm just going to use every tool that I can get my hands on to heal. Right before I cut up my wrists I screamed for God to help me. To help me not do this to myself. It happened anyway. God knows that I have intense inner strength and will get past this.

I know that many people may not really understand cutting so I'll just give a brief explanation. Cutting normally happens when a person can no long control there emotional pain and inflict physical pain to t momentarially mask the emotional pain. Cutters do not want to commit suicide. They just want to feel some relief from the mental anguish.

I know this is a long post. But I also know that so many people here suffer in silence and I just want everyone to know you don't suffer alone.
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If you learn from your suffering, and really come to understand the lesson you were taught, you might be able to help someone else who's now in the phase you may have just completed. Maybe that's what it's all about after all...

~ Anonymous ~



Highest weight: 261
Starting weight: 248 August 26
Current weight: 193
Current pounds lost: 55 lbs
Goal weight: 145 by August 26, 2006


Smoke Free as of July 1, 2004 (Started back smoking)
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Old 08-31-2005, 12:54 PM   #14
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Ohh Tammy I too sent you a PM and I'm glad to hear that the counselor helped explain to the kids what is going on and that Seth is going to go to counseling. Just know that we are hear for you.
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Old 08-31-2005, 01:19 PM   #15
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Tammy, you can see the caring going on here and I'm sure your PM inbox is full by now (mine's in there somewhere). We're a pretty supportive bunch who are opening our hearts (and cyber arms) to you ~ let us help in any way we can. Better days are ahead. Please believe that.
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