He's been my ex for over 10 years now. But, him and his wife said that we could come there. They even bought us our plane tickets. We are going to Deleware.
Good Lord, Tammy....I am just heartsick for you. And at the same time, LOOK!! LOOK at this corner you're turning! ABSOLUTELY do everything you can to nail his *** to the wall -- he MUST be accountable for your care and that of your children. But just LOOK at what your ex-sister in law, your ex and his wife feel for you and your situation!!! Clearly they all care about you a great deal and very much value your well-being -- so take that to heart and hold it close, girl. We all love you, they love you, obviously your son doesn't want to be in that house......all roads are pointing forward to a new beginning. And Delaware is freaking beautiful! I know you must be simply terrified, and it's all got to be just completely overwhelming...but you WILL get through this. You will. I think getting out of that city is the very best thing you could do. Once you get some distance from that hateful, miserable, manipulative, piss-ant, shamefully sorry excuse for a man, you'll begin to regain perspective, and you'll begin to be able to take some steps forward.
Tammy, you truly are a person of value and quality and worth, and you deserve much, much better than this. I was SO happy to hear you referring to yourself as intelligent and smart! You ARE intelligent and smart.....and so much more. You really are going to heal from this -- now that you're getting the **** out of that house and away from that completely destructive, soul-killing situation. She wants him? She can HAVE him! You deserve just so much more, Tammy.
This is just such a corner, and around that corner is a brighter, sunnier, calmer, and healthier place -- one where you can find peace, and remember all the wonderful things about Tammy that are so clearly evident to everyone who comes in contact with you. You're going to be ok.
Just don't forget to avail yourself of any and all resources in holding The Cheater accountable in every way you can. He's in the military -- don't they have resources and support there for the spouses?? Once you get out of there, get to Delaware, and receive some TLC and support from friends and can finally get a night's sleep, you'll be much better able to find the strength and wherewithall to start to take those positive steps towards your future -- which includes reaching out to external resources.
I am just so, so happy you are able to make this move, Tammy. You really are going to be ok.
If you own your house, you need to take a copy of the mortgage and any information about appraisals, refinancing, whatever. You need copies of bank account information, insurance accounts, retirement accounts. He is in the military, I'm sure you know it off the top of your head but you need all his information--rank, SSN, commander, contact phone numbers for command, etc. I know you're not ready to deal with it right now, and that's okay, but you NEED this information when you are ready to talk to a lawyer. You need to know where the money and assets are.
I'm sure the idea seems dirty and daunting to you, but you need to step away from that for just a minute and do what needs to be done. It's not about revenge, it's not about trying to get him back, it's not about retribution toward the other woman. This is about taking care of yourself and taking care of your kids. The last thing you want is to be cut off from any kind of support.
Don't think for a minute "oh, he wouldn't do that to me or to the kids". Look what he's done already! These are things you need to do to make sure your kids will be okay. From reading I'm sure you're a good mom and a kind, generous, good-hearted woman, but that isn't enough to support them. Don't let him walk away without looking back. He has a responsibility to those kids, and YOU have a responsibility toward them too.
Tammy there are Women's Crisis Centers (or something similar) in most states, usually the hospitals will have all the information. The people who run these centers will know the laws in your state and will put you in touch with the pertinent information you need. He is responsible for his children.
He cannot just shirk his responsibilities and run off into the sunset with his little friend and his weenie while you struggle. This pathetic excuse for a man with the morals of an alley cat in heat needs a good dose of reality. and you will give it to him when he least expects it.
Once you are out of the situation, you will feel calmer and be in a supportive environment with the kids....Until Tuesday, keep busy with getting ready to leave and share no information with him and that little twat. Take what cash you need and move it to an account with your name only. Close-out the joint credit cards and checking.
If you can't eat, drink some light juices, crackers to keep from getting a head-ache. Take the kids to a movie to get out of the house. less contact is best for your state of mind and a confrontation in front of your kids is added stress.
Wow, such smart, thorough advice from everyone! What would we ever do without this community? Sarah is right Tammy, this is the start of a brand new life for you, and if you embrace that, you can make it what ever you want it to be. I know it's hard to see this in a positive light right now, but not many people get the opportunity at a "do-over", so please, do what you must to take full advantage of it. Be strong Tammy, we're all behind you 100%.
Tammy, that's excellent news! It speaks highly of your Ex and his wife, as well as of YOU. Be sure you document *everything*, start to finish, and get it into a lawyer's hands. Do this soon.
You go girl! What a relief to know you'll be getting out of that awful environment. I know it won't fix everything, and it'll be a bit scary to move so far. But doesn't it make you feel better to know that your ex and his wife care enough about you and believe enough in you to not only offer to take you in, but to send you air fare to get there! I guess they don't think you're such a terrible wife and mother, right?
You just need to tough it out another three days. I hope you'll use some of that time to follow some of the legal and financial advice you've seen here. Maybe knowing escape is in sight will help you to feel better, to keep something in that stomach, to take care of a little pre-travel business.
The more you talk about Seth, the worse he sounds. Is he mad because you're not going to be waiting at home to cook and clean for his bint and him? What a putz. (Amazing how they can keep us fooled about their true nature for so long!)
Meanwhile, you've got your kids, you've got us (lucky you!) and you've got family in Delaware who don't just pretend to care - they're really doing something to help you out of this mess.
Do keep posting. We're all so invested in your life now we really need you to keep in touch and let us know how things go.
I got all of the important papers I needed all gathered up today. I don't feel like I've done much but my motivation is so bad right now because I am so scared. Basically all I have left to do is wash clothes and pack them. There is barely anything here I want. He can have what's in this house. I don't want them. I'm trying to make sure I make some room for each of the kids some toys.
After he met up in chicago with Sara his mood changed. Go figure. They will be here Sunday.
He's agreed on 500 child support and 200 alimony. Does that sound fair? We share just the one child together. I just want to make sure I am doing what is right.
OOPs...I am going to Maryland not Deleware. I guess I have been so out of it I goofed.
I got all of the important papers I needed all gathered up today. I don't feel like I've done much but my motivation is so bad right now because I am so scared. Basically all I have left to do is wash clothes and pack them. There is barely anything here I want. He can have what's in this house. I don't want them. I'm trying to make sure I make some room for each of the kids some toys.
After he met up in chicago with Sara his mood changed. Go figure. They will be here Sunday.
He's agreed on 500 child support and 200 alimony. Does that sound fair? We share just the one child together. I just want to make sure I am doing what is right.
OOPs...I am going to Maryland not Deleware. I guess I have been so out of it I goofed.
"His mood changed"? What, he wasn't attacking you because he had a distraction? Oh, that's good character...
Is there a way they could stay at a hotel sunday and monday night? There's some cheap ones down on El Cajon Blvd...I think at some you pay by the hour. This is ridiculous, how callous and tacky is he (and that question goes for her, too)?
I can't make a call as far as child support and alimony, you'll have to get professional advice on that one--or at least someone with experience in that arena. Don't sign anything until you get someone who's fighting for YOUR interests, alright?
Tammy, I'm so proud of you for taking this big step. I know the unknown is terribly scary, but this is a new beginning for you. You have people who care about you, and you will be okay. Don't worry about being fair--file for divorce as soon as possible and get as much child support and maintenance as you can.. You deserve it, and don't let worry about fairness get in the way. He wasn't fair to you, nor will he be so you must consider what's best for you and your kids.
Mousie has a great suggestion about the motel. You don't need to let this woman in your home.
You're strong, Tammy, and you will get through this and prevail.
I wouldn't agree to *any* amount until you see a lawyer and talk to some family advocates. Considering you've been a SAHM and basically been abandoned, I don't think he's offering near enough. You need some good legal counsel.
Today I am very sad. I know it is right to get the kids away from this, but I also feel so much guilt for putting them in this situation to begin with. My daughter is tore up becasue she has to leave her pets and friends.
I've cried almost all day. I still think I can't believe this is happening. I still wonder where I went so wrong. I don't want a new life. I the life I had before all this crap happened.
I know I am strong and I know I can do this it's just right now I feel that my mind can not take anymore.
All the paperwork is together and most of the clothes packed. I am about 85% done with having everything completed.
They get here tomorrow at 4 something. I have no words for this. My insides are dying.
First comment: try to let go of the guilt. You didn't put them in this situation--he did, by making the decisions he has made. You would have none of this happen, and therefore you deserve none of the guilt. I'm sure you're arguing that you've made the decision to leave the city, but you wouldn't have made that decision without him making his choices. If there is guilt to be ascribed here, it's his.
Second comment: Tuesday probably seems like it's a long way away. Come here, spend time here. I have a free day tomorrow and a free afternoon monday, hang out with me. We can go to Balboa Park or go down to the Bay, or go walk around Seaport Village. Do whatever it is that you have to do to make sure that you're taken care of. You're in a bad situation, and we'll help you through it as best we can.
Did I understand that your current husband is the father of one of your kids (you have three, right)? So you can only get support from him for the one child you share. But, that means, you SHOULD already be receiving support for the other two (depending on the situation with their father, which I have no idea if he is alive or not, forgive me if not). Depending on the situation, you should pursue support for the other two as well, if that is feasible. Sorry, hard to put this delicately. Hopefully, you know my intentions are good. You need to get as much help as possible.
Also, it's probably a good idea to take Mousie up on her very generous offer! You need a real, live friend and she's offering.
The third thing I really wanted to say,is when are you going to get royally pi**ed off????? Anger can be a good thing you know, and it can make you strong and carry you through bad situations. Don't keep letting this jerk walk all over you. Get good and ticked off and do what you need to do to keep your sanity, ok?
Tammy, when you get to Maryland I want to come and give you a big hug. I am so glad that things have taken a turn for the better. Your ex and his wife sound like wonderful people for helping you out. I don't know what else to say, I'm just SO SO SO relieved you're goign to be away from that worthless piece of garbage of a "human being."
Please, repeat after me: I AM STRONG. I AM WONDERFUL. I am an EXCELLENT mother who loves her children. I am going to be ok. and I have a LOT to offer the world.
I totally understand you wanting to go back to the life you had before all this started. There have been many times that I want that exact same thing but we have to accept that isn't going to happen and get on as best we can and cope with what has been thrown at us.
ABSOLUTELY do everything you can to nail his *** to the wall -- he MUST be accountable for your care and that of your children. But just LOOK at what your ex-sister in law, your ex and his wife feel for you and your situation!!! Clearly they all care about you a great deal and very much value your well-being -- so take that to heart and hold it close, girl. We all love you, they love you, obviously your son doesn't want to be in that house......all roads are pointing forward to a new beginning. And Delaware is freaking beautiful! 
You're going to be ok. 
This is ridiculous, how callous and tacky is he (and that question goes for her, too)? 
