I usually try not to post when I’m feeling like this, because I don’t want to bring anyone else down, but this time I just feel so discouraged and thought posting might help.
Maybe it’s just the post-vacation blues or something, but I’m just… weary. I’m tired of spending so much energy thinking and fantasizing about losing weight, tired of waiting around to hit a somewhat arbitrary “goal.” It’s not so much a fear that I won’t get there eventually; I know now what I need to do. At this point, I don’t feel so terrified I will go off-plan or stop exercising. But I guess it’s also really sinking in that I’m going to have to think about this in largely this manner for the rest of my life. I’m just really struggling with the “head game” more than I expected. I sure hope the Maintainers are right when they say it gets easier!
Back when I still weighed 265 pounds (and then some), I always pictured myself perfectly happy if I were any thinner at all. I don’t think I ever fathomed that I would lose almost 100 pounds. And yes, most days I do feel thrilled with how far I’ve come and how much better I look and feel (so much energy!). But then other times – like today – this darker mood slips in, and I look in the mirror and I still don’t like what I see… Now, instead of nothing but rolls of fat, I obsess over the ones that are left. I focus on the excess skin on my arms, belly, and thighs that will probably never go away. I see the stretch marks marring my flesh, and I find it hard to forgive myself for the irreparable damage I’ve done to my body. Strangely, I find myself becoming overly critical of things about my appearance that didn’t even bother me before – my nose is too long, my teeth are not white or straight enough, my hair is flat, etc. etc. etc. It’s like it was too painful even to see myself before, and now I’ve opened up Pandora’s Box and can see mostly the flaws.
I know how whiny this sounds, so I’m going to stop myself. Maybe I’m just getting over the joy of my initial loss and becoming impatient to get to goal. Certainly I’ve always had lots of self-esteem issues that of course wouldn’t go away just because I’ve lost weight (duh?!). Anyway, I just feel like a small, contained mess, and it’s driving me batty. It’s hard to express this stuff in “real” life because everyone seems certain I’m off my head with joy to have lost so much weight. And I know I should be, so why do I feel so conflicted?
Any advice/thoughts/admonishments appreciated. You guys are the best.