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I'm DONE!!!!!

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Old 04-13-2005, 09:06 AM   #1
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Unhappy I'm DONE!!!!!

I just can't do it anymore. I can't have one more conversation about how I know exactly what to do about my weight, yet I just don't do it. Not one more word about how my weight is starting to affect my health, yet I continue to eat. Not another thought about when I am going to start again "for good".

Bottom line is that I feel horrible. My legs hurt, my feet hurt. Movement is exhausting. I look terrible, clothes don't fit. I am snug in my car. I worry about losing my job and somehow having to find another one. What if I had to go into Chicago and ride the train daily? That was hard to do at 215...it would be impossible now. I have lost the real me - the weight has taken over. If there is a rock bottom, I have hit it. I look in the mirror and think "who is that?"

Monday at WW I gained 3 lbs. Guess I didn't have as good of a week as I thought I did. Yeah, I guess not!!! I have been going to WW for 12 weeks and have lost a total of 4 lbs. In 12 weeks. What a waste. WASTE - that's what I am doing with my life. I am wasting it.

Mark today down - April 13, 2005. I weigh 322.2. It's over, I'm done. I will not live another day like this. I have an extra 177 lbs that I carry around with me every day. It's no wonder I am exhausted and my legs hurt!!!! That is like carrying around 3 1/2 Jacobs and never ever getting to set them down.

Today I started my new life and every day from today on, my main goal will be to improve my health. I WILL lose this weight. I WILL become someone who is active on a daily basis. I WILL find the Sandi that once was. She's awesome; I can't wait for you to meet her. Nothing and No one will stand in my way. My health is #1. Nothing else will come before it.
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:32 AM   #2
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Sandi - I wish you the best in this! It took me that same feeling of rock bottom to get off mine and do the right thing! My highest ever weight was 324, I remember when I was 19 and getting close to 200 and vowing to myself to never get over 200... yeah, well that didn't work out!!! Well I'm on my way back down! Today I had my check-in with myself and I was down to 270, I haven't been that since I was 20 years old! I know you can do it too!
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:53 AM   #3
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Sandi, you ARE awesome, right now!!!! When I first joined 3FC, you were one of my primary inspirations. I read your beautiful letter to your son and it really resonated with me, and really made me think about how my weight and eating habits were affecting and would affect my son. After reading this letter, I decided it was time to change.

I don't know what you need, to help you find your way again, but if there's anything you need, I'm here for you.
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:53 AM   #4
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You can do it girl !!!! You've motivated me to get off my butt.
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Old 04-13-2005, 10:35 AM   #5
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Okay Sandi, I'm holding you to this promise! Yep, not letting you off the hook this time! No way! You owe it to Steve, Jacob, your family, your friends and most of all to yourself! You won't hear "That's okay, hon, you can start fresh again tomorrow" from me, because I care too much about you and it scares the sh*t out of me when I hear how much your health is being compromised.

Yes, its going to be tough - probably one of the most difficult things you'll do, but you recognize that you just cannot delay it any longer - that you HAVE to do this, and you can and WILL succeed! We're there for you baby, all the way!!

Sure it won't be easy, but it will be rewarding in so many ways and, as I've told you all along, once you get into the swing of things it DOES become a way of life and then you can revel in the glory of what you're doing, at how you're feeling and looking, which really takes the sting out of not being able to stop at Dunkin Donuts on your way to work. You'll see!

I'm feeling pretty discouraged myself right now over my vacation food foolishness (post to follow later) and need a swift kick in the butt to get going and keep going (for life). Let's kick each other's butts from here to goal and beyond! Deal?

Jilly
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Old 04-13-2005, 11:16 AM   #6
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I had a day just like that in October of last year, were I was finally just fed up with the way I felt and I said okay, this is the last day that I'm living like this.
You can do this tho, lots of people here are cheering for you, and here to support you if you need it. Go Sandy!
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Old 04-13-2005, 11:16 AM   #7
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Sandy,

Your message brought tears to my eyes, because I know exactly how you feel. You tell yourself that you want to lose weight for all of the right reasons, but are powerless to make any lasting change. I was right where you are last year. Every day I would start again, every day I thought I would be cured from this problem that has impacted my entire life. I finally started therapy last July talking about my issues and found some relief.

Last Thanksgiving, I started actually doing WW (as opposed to just siting there) and now I'm down 21 pounds. My therapist also suggested a book called "Overcoming Overeating", I've started, but haven't gotten too far into it yet.

My old leader used to say, "when you're driving a car full speed ahead in one direction, you have to slow down before you can turn around to head another direction."

I started that day after Thanksgiving with "what am I am willing to do today?". Ok - I'll drink the water. Next day, I'll bring some healthy snacks to work and so on...

As much as I want my next 90 lbs gone tomorrow, I've learned a lot about myself in this process.

I hope something in this long-winded message helps you.

Good luck!! You sound like you're ready for this. I don't have to tell you, it's the most important thing that you can do for yourself and your son.
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Old 04-13-2005, 11:51 AM   #8
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Actually my highest weight was not 320, but 330, and I got to the point where I could barely walk a block without stopping. I lost 30 lbs going to Jenny Craig, then maintained that weight for quite a while. I had a health scare and realized I just had to get this weight off or I was setting myself up for REAL problems. Not to mention how I felt about interviewing at 300 lbs, or even just living my life.

The first week I lost 3 lbs, the next week I gained it back. I stayed on my program and kept losing. Sometimes I'd gain too. Or maintain.

Everyone who loses weight has their own reasons, their own blocks. I had to do my own soul searching as to why I was hanging on to the weight for so long. And I had to approach it from practical side in terms of changing lots of habits. (If you're having problems with compulsive overeating, I definitely recommend that Overcoming Overeating, it helped me.)

It's a lot of work and it has taken me years, my first diet was in my teens. I would say you're not at the beginning at all, you have lots of knowledge and you have lost that 4 lbs. You could easily lose that same 3 lbs in a week; since you gained it in a week I seriously doubt it was all fat.

For about the first year I was seriously doing this, and I've been doing it for 2 years in June, I would have a freak session at the scale almost every week. I really think it's important not to let the scale be a weapon I use to psych myself out, but rather a guide as to whether I'm having problems I need to address -- maybe I'm snacking too much? do I need to shake up my exercise? or add to it? It's not a static process. And being a woman with a monthly period, that's another element I have to keep in mind.

Hang in there, Sandi!!
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Old 04-13-2005, 12:25 PM   #9
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I was where you are last April Sandi. I know exactly how you feel and what your thoughts and fears are. That's whats great about this group. We may not have all the same personal things going on but the weight and fear of not losing it we all share. We all know exactly how your feeling right now. And we all have a few people on here that have succeeded in getting to goal. So we know it can be done and we can do it together. We are here for you Sandi. And you are here for us. So lets continue to do this toghether. We can do it.
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Old 04-13-2005, 01:17 PM   #10
prepare for the BEST time
 
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Sandi, I love your quote with your signature, so true......

Maybe extra motivation would come with a visit to your PCP...and (depending on your insurance) a referral to a registered dietician and nutritionist, along with blood-work-up. (kind of like a before pic.). My doc. is VERY supportive and positive (i asked for scrips. to help with weight loss). WW is a great program, but not everyone fits every diet-plan.

I once saw a show on FITTV called "ultimate goals"....in this episode, a person had been losing very slowly, (4 lbs. in 8 weeks). The nutritionist knew the person's medical history and explained how certain types who have weight problems may take as long as a year to 18 months to begin to lose at a faster rate. (I thought...thatsME!). I made a decision on Jan. 15 and I've lost between 12-14.5 lbs. 3% of bodyfat...while taking both Meridia and Xenical and changing my eating habits, foods and consistently exercising. I get soooo frustrated with all I'm doing to improve and the results are so slow! But every ounce counts......that's how it got on me and that's how it is coming off.

best of luck, you WILL SUCCEED!
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Old 04-13-2005, 02:29 PM   #11
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Wow Sandi, that sounds so much like me not all that long ago. I can so, totally relate to how you're feeling. Maybe it's just gonna take getting good and pissed off to get the job done. I'm with Jilly on this one, there's no need to sugar-coat it. Getting healthy is a neccessity, period. So what do you need from us to make that happen? I'm sure everyone here is willing to help in any way possible, I know I am. How about a daily check-in for accountability like in OA. List your food and exercise plans for the day and we'll hold you to them. Or PM me if you'd rather do something a little more privately. We are here to help, please don't hesitate to ask. Every single one of us wants to see you healthy and happy, and you deserve nothing less. So you go and find the real Sandi, and promise me that you'll learn to love her as much as I know I already do.

So, this is it, April 13, 2005. You can't take it back now, and I'm holding you to it. This is the day that you are going to change your life. You can do this, but you already know that, now it's time to get it done. We're with you sweetie, every step of the way.

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Old 04-13-2005, 02:34 PM   #12
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I too see myself in your post. I lost 110 lbs from 2000-2001 and then put 50 lbs back on. For two, almost three years I kept trying to find that thing that would click for me again. Every month, week, day it seemed like I was vowing to start over, that this time would be it, this time I was going to get it. Like you I just kept feeling more and more defeated and my weight kept creeping higher and higher. I was so damn mad that I wouldn't do this for myself.

I don't know why this changed for me again this January but I'm so grateful that it did. I just took a long look at me and thought I don't want to live another year of my life trying to lose weight. Another year of it consuming my every thought and dictating how I felt about my self. Not another year. No way! This year I'm done, this is it.

You can do this I have no doubt in my mind. It's time for us all to shake this weight once and for all. Our weight will no longer tell us how to feel or who to be. I believe in you Sandi. You've given so much encouragement to the people here.

I would wish you luck but I don't think you need it; cause your going to do this. So I wish for the world to stay the heck out of your way and let you take care of business.
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Old 04-13-2005, 03:12 PM   #13
prepare for the BEST time
 
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Similar for me....On January 14, 2005, I felt AWFUL, my HTN was up I was experiencing a "racy" HR when I walked the dog...and I saw I had gained back about 35-40 lbs. of the 60 I lost in 2000 and kept off for almost 4 years....I have a vivid imagination that I was having a cardiac episode...they would put me in the cath lab, I'd be laying on the table and my X-boyfriend (he's a cardiologist) would walk in and think "wow, did she get FAT, she looks terrible"...THAT's what did it for me. I stopped, cold turkey, called my doctor and made an appt for a physical....I stopped consuming a bottle of wine every night, eating chocolate and ice-cream, and promised myself 10 mins. of movement first thing in the morning.....I went back to the gym (still go at lunchtime when i can get away from the office). I stopped ruining my body and popping prescription pain-killers when I really didn't need them anymore. ( I'm s/p accident where I broke my elbow, dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose...consequently i laid around for 6 months and lost all muscle-tone, prior to that I developed clinical depression and have been undergoing treatment with and without meds).

the hardest thing I did was take a long look at myself inside and out. I decided i was worth saving, it was time to get off my butt and get back to the person I used to be, HAPPY!

Sandi I believe you have found your power.
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Old 04-13-2005, 03:34 PM   #14
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Arrow Sandi...

I understand how you're feeling! . I hit my high point at 316 lbs just about 2 years ago. It took another year, and a health crisis to get me headed in the right direction. I went on to lose almost 50 lbs, and I was feeling pretty good about myself . THEN the holidays came-and I've been struggling ever since . I've regained at least 15 lbs; my eating has been out of control, and I keep saying to myself "I'll do it tomorrow; I'll do it after such and such event" ; etc. I'm glad you've decided to take action NOW! You already are an awesome person, and you've got an excellent attitude.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! YOU GO GIRL!
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Old 04-13-2005, 04:23 PM   #15
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You are much loved on this forum Sandi, and you most certainly ARE awesome right now, as you are! But I completely understand how you feel - maybe this is your 'lightbulb moment', the date you will look back on in years to come and think that was when my life changed forever.

We are here for you Sandi - whatever you need!

Love Amanda x
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