Holiday Eating tips (funny)

  • Holiday Eating Tips


    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
    buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
    see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
    serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
    single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-
    malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So
    drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
    not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
    It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
    think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
    gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
    of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
    milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
    a sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
    your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
    other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
    New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else
    to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
    the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat
    of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
    frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
    yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
    becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
    If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
    Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
    Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
    dessert? Labour Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
    mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
    some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
    or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
    tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by:
    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
    to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
    body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
    "WOO HOO what a ride!"

    Have a great holiday season! Of course I wont be doing any of these tips! LOL
  • Heather, that was great! Really funny... (Nice to see you, by the way. )
  • That's hilarious. I took the liberty of copying it and emailing it to all my friends. Wish life could really be like that with no consequences.
  • What a hoot! Good advise if I were skinny.
  • i love it!
  • That is hilarious!!
  • Too funny. Thanks for the laugh
  • Funny!!!!!!!!