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Old 10-13-2004, 09:31 PM   #1
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Default Discouraged

I know I shouldn't whine and moan. I keep reminding myself that I have lost a huge amount of weight in a short period of time. 55 pounds in 4 months is nothing to sneeze at, right? Then why do I feel so depressed? I look at myself in the mirror and I still hate what I see. I am ashamed to have people look at me because I still have so much to lose. You would think that walking at a strong pace for an hour a day might tighten up some of the bumps and lumps in my legs? NO!

Ok, time to analyze. Why am I really so depressed? I keep telling myself I have accomplished so much and I should be proud. But inside, I still feel like that lonely 280 pound women who wishes she had someone to share her life with and hates what she sees when she catches her reflection in the mirror. The old fat pains may be a thing of the past, but I still hurt everytime I see a skinny women kissing her boyfriend or see the guy I have had a crush on for years drive by me in his car and wave. All I can think of is that he would never date someone like me and that he deserves better. He deserves that skinny women who eats candy and chips all day. SIGH.

I know, I am usually upbeat and I try to stay positive about everything I have in my life. But today? Im just sad and lonely and wondering what it would be like to watch the sunrise with Rob sitting next to me and just holding my hand.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels like this?

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Old 10-13-2004, 10:04 PM   #2
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Well, I typed out a whole post that I lost, so I decided just to give you ((((hugs)))) and hope that you have a better day tomorrow.

The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for - A. K. Chalmers.
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Old 10-13-2004, 10:29 PM   #3
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Shelley, I think we are in a similar boat. I've lost about the same amount in the same period of time and I was just thinking yesterday that I still mentally feel as if I haven't lost any weight. I understand your feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see but I have learned to become a believer in that you need to love yourself for who you are before you can feel good about yourself or make positive changes in your life. Something I started doing before I started losing weight is that if I start to think negative about myself, I immediately stop myself and then say something nice about myself. It takes practice but it works.

Now something that I didn't really think I'd admit, but I was thinking last night that it'd be really nice if someone thought of me as special and important in their life. I don't mind if that would be a friend or a boyfriend, but it is something I wish I had. I've always felt kind of used by my friends and family and that they didn't care about me other than what I could offer them. If I was dating someone it would be nice, but even a really really good friend that cared about me would be nice as well. I've never had a normal life because of my weight and part of that is my own fault, but I know what you mean by wanting to share your life.

It's normal, we'll get through it.
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Old 10-13-2004, 10:46 PM   #4
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I'm sorry your feeling down. I also look at skinny couples and am full of envy. I do have a wife but we both struggle with our weight. I get depressed at times thinking what it must be like to be skinny. It passes though and I'm sure this feeling will pass for you also. We are working on how we are and even if we never did a thing about our weight we are just as good as the next person. We need to quit comparing ourselves to others. Short, skinny, fat, or tall we all have our demons to deal with.
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Old 10-13-2004, 11:20 PM   #5
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Hi Shelley, you definitely aren't alone in feeling the way you do. I feel the same way much of the time including the sadness of seeing happy, skinny couples (and parent with babies too). I do know from experience that with weight loss your mental picture of yourself takes time to match up to your outer self. It takes work too. Nelie is right in that we've all got work to do to repair our self-images and our self-worth. Because if we really valued ourselves and our health, would we have gotten so heavy in the first place?

Just keep going with your amazing progress and you'll reach your goal before you know it! While it's dangerous to think that weigh loss is the answer to all of our problems, we'll never know what happiness and health is waiting for us on the other end unless we get there...
Start: 285 / Now: 251 / Goal: 145 / 34 lbs. gone and counting!
Winter Solstice Challenge: Start: 263 / Goal by 12/21: 243 / 12 down 8 to go!
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Old 10-13-2004, 11:28 PM   #6
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Shelley, first let me say that I think you've done great so far! Second, I understand how you feel. I often find myself watching couples and getting a bit down about the fact that I don't have something like that. And like Nelie said, it would be nice to even just have a friend to whom I was really special. I mean, I have loads of friends and people who care for me, but I know that I'm not the first one on their thoughts. It's probably a bit selfish or arrogant or something to want to be the most important person to someone but that's how I feel somedays. I guess there have just been a few situations where it seems that I overestimated the friendship on my end, and it was a bit disappointing to realize that the friendship from the other person's point of view wasn't quite what *I* thought it was.

But I'm not always as pessimistic as that. Like you said about yourself, I'm generally a very optimistic person, very easy going and happy, but I do go through the pessimistic phases (and truth be told, most people don't even realize that I go through these pessimistic phases, as I'm pretty adept at hiding my true feelings, whether that be good or bad). Eventually, though, I work through it - I see it as all part of trying to redefine myself and getting everything back under control.
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Old 10-14-2004, 12:13 AM   #7
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Shelley - You're not alone by any means! I'll third how you feel.. I think we all feel this way at some point! With that being said, don't focus on the timeframe of the loss... FOCUS ON THE LOSS! You're doing fabulous and remember that okay? You've lost 55 pounds and that's a huge accomplishment - BE PROUD!

I do know what you mean about the "skinny couples", Steve is slender and built, nice body.. then there's me. I feel bad when we go out with his friends and their "skinny" girlfriends but you know what I've learned to let it go! And you should try doing the same.. mind you, it is tough and I still don't have much self confidence but its getting better.. Its something that takes a lot of time to re-build so don't let these bad days get you down or discourage you!

Take Care Hun,

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Old 10-14-2004, 01:17 AM   #8
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Everyone's entitled to have a little pity party then and then Shelley, and we're glad you came here to have it because we've all been there at one time or another and understand how you feel. I think its often the case that the more success we experience in one area, the more we want from other areas of our life. You've done a great job losing weight so far and even though at the moment "goal" still seems far away, just think...if you continue as you are now, by the time you welcome in the new year you'll almost be there! Although I believe sometimes its difficult to adjust to your weight loss because you also have to shed all your long standing perceptions of yourself along with the pounds, its all part of your lifestyle change - making both your body and your mind healthier.

As for wanting that someone special in your life - its only natural, but I can assure you its not weight related because I know a multitude of skinny girls who don't even know what to do with a good man when they find one . I know your confidence level is low at the moment, but does that man who waves at you know about the crush? Perhaps that little wave is his way of letting you know he's approachable. Check out Annie-Rose's "Romance???" thread a couple of pages back. She also felt unsure of herself at first and look what's evolved from that!

I say don't fret about it as you never know what's around the corner. I certainly wasn't looking for it and, frankly, after a disappointing marriage and rather unfufilling relationships since then, figured there wasn't much chance of finding "the one" at my advanced age, but sure enough he found his way to me and now we're so in love we make the people around us gag . Like I said, you can't prepare yourself, it just happens.

You're probably fast asleep right now, so I'm sending you good vibes to wake rested, happy and ready to face the new day with a smile!
* * * * * * * *
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." Orson Welles
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Old 10-14-2004, 06:04 AM   #9
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Seashell, you HAVE done so well and in such a short time, it's normal for your mind to not quite have caught up w/your body. And it's SO VERY NORMAL to want to have someone in your life to whom you feel important. There have also been many people in my life whose interest I have come to question. Seems like when I'm not up to/into doing things for them, they're not around (this does not include special dh). And you ARE normally optimistic so I too say give yourself this little analytical time and come out ahead in your self understanding.

Then - it's reward time. Be sure you're giving yourself rewards for your accomplishments. Appreciating yourself is important! I agree w/checking out Annie-Rose's Romance thread - and when you're done that, search out old posts by JML and follow her weight loss and romance journey. Of course, I don't think we've heard from her since her honeymoon (or maybe I just missed the post) but I think we can understand that. Not promising you anything, of course, but a great story of how changing her life changed her life.
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Old 10-14-2004, 01:24 PM   #10
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Oh boy, do I understand how you feel. I don't know why it is, but it seems that many of us hit this point when we've been successful for a while (my recent, and very similar, meltdown was here). Is it fear that the success will end? Impatience/frustration with the slowness of the whole process? Probably all that and more.

I think the part of the problem is that humans are remarkably adaptable. While that's often a good thing, in this case it's a pain, because instead of being permanently thrilled that you've lost over 50 pounds (and wow, what an achievement that is!), you instead just get used to where you are. I honestly think this is what makes it possible for us to *gain* the weight in the first place -- getting used to the first 20 pounds, then the next, then the next -- oops! I'm 100 pounds overweight now!

I think at these times, a good self-inventory might be in order. Think about, even write down, everything you can do now that you couldn't do before. What you can wear now that you wouldn't have *thought* about putting on before. Look at some old pictures of yourself. Think about every little shred of self-confidence you may have gained since then. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, but compare yourself with the old you, whom you may have tried to forget about. And yes, reward yourself for the hard work and mental energy that goes into this huge task. Sorry if it sounds like I'm lecturing -- I'm talking to myself at the same time as I'm talking to you .

Keep up the good work and know that many of us know how you feel and are here for you! PM if you ever need to talk!
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Old 10-16-2004, 07:24 AM   #11
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Hey Chicks,

Thanks for cheering me up. I know that I can always count on you to make me feel better. It's so helpful to know that I am not alone in this battle and that my feelings are not unique. So what am I going to do about the weight loss blahs? Im not going to quit, that's for sure. Since I last posted I have lost 2 pounds. And I have registered for another Walk Race. It's this morning actually, if the rain holds off. Im going to take all of this "I hate the way I look" pity out of the pool use that anger to get another top 10 finish. Small victories, right?

And as far as Rob goes? I have 24 pounds to go till Onederland. At 199, I call him and ask him for a drink. Talk about a great reward if he says yes. If he says no? It will be for reasons other that being severely overweight. That let down, I can handle.

So thank you again ladies and gent. I can always count on you to make my day brighter.

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Old 10-16-2004, 11:33 PM   #12
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Seems sometimes we all look around and see what we don't have, and is missing from our lives. When my mom died, I got so discouraged and grief stricken when I'd see women my age out shopping with their moms. I'd see other ladies much older than my mom out in public and question to myself why are they here and not my mom?

Remember too, you can also look around and see what you do have too. Like when you buy a new car, and all of a sudden you see a gazillion of the same car out there. Or if you're pregnant, all of a sudden you see pregnant ladies all over the place - I've never been but when friends got pregnant and we'd go shopping they'd spot pg ladies all over the place.

I think it is part of the "human condition" to spot either what we have or don't have that is important to our souls. It brings us joy to see others enjoying the same gifts, and brings us pain to see others having what we desperately desire. To me it's kind of a guiding light that shows us humans where we need to do our work. It reminds me of what is important to my soul, and it comes thru all the noise of the busy world we live in - it doesn't always come as a smile, but sometimes in the discouragement and depression is we find our greatest challenges laid out before us.

I don't know if it would help any, but you could try to turn your radar to scope for different things. Instead of looking for happy skinny couples - look for happy overweight couples. Instead of looking for happy skinny folks.. which I admit I don't see that many, I see a lot of self-centered skinny folks out shopping..... look for happy overweight folks. Instead of looking at happy attached men, look around for the single guys.

Make it a project on a down day. I have tried looking specifically for green cars.... or red haired kids.... or young boys in baggy pants with their undies showing......all of sudden there's a gazillion of them.... and it took the focus off missing my mom long enough to make it thru my errands.

I'm not writing this to answer you as much as I am to help me I guess. Even at goal weight I'm not satisfied cuz I have this deflated balloon skin on my inner thighs and tummy. Loosing 114 lbs at 52 does it to ya. But I'd rather have the extra skin than the extra pounds. Even at goal weight there's disappointments and discouraging days.

start 258/ current 158/ held goal for 6 months at 144-146, I'm back on track now.
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Old 10-17-2004, 11:03 AM   #13
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Hey Allie,

I loved your post. Thank you for sharing something so personal and important to you. I went to church today and the pastor was talking about building monuments for our children. The sermon started with the story of Joshua leading the people of Isrel across the Jordan River. God told him to choose 1 person from each tribe and ask them to take a stone from the middle of the river as they crossed. Then they were to leave the stones piled as a monument to the miracle that had occured, to help their children and their children's children keep the miracle alive in their hearts. He then talked about leaving monuments for our own children, something to help remember the blessings that we have been given in this life and to celebrate the goodness of life. It sounds to me that your mother left a monument on your heart. Remembering her and missing her as you do celebrates your relationship and keeps her love alive. I only hope that my children will remember me as you remember your mom.

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Old 10-18-2004, 06:39 PM   #14
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Hello Shelley,
I hope you are feeling a bit better. It's a funny old game romance and I just would NEVER say never. That was a beautiful thing you wrote to Allie, you are obviously a lovely, warm, intelligent and sensitive person - and I know it sounds corny but that counts for a lot.You have so much to give this guy Rob - he's not better than you, don't listen to yourself when you feel like this. When I had this going on with my lovely new boyfriend I just thought WHY WHY WHY would he be interested? Is it a joke? What's wrong with him if he likes ME? As Sarah said at the time 'I was just not to be trusted in matters regarding myself' and neither are you my friend! Why does he deserve better? Better than you? Don't say that! He'd be lucky to have you and so would any man.
Here's the little bit of insight my little 'Love journey' has given me. Men like confidence! Because I thought he would never fancy me I was myself and just had loads of fun with him - always thinking it would just be a friendship. I didn't worry what I said because I didn't get caught up in thinking what he was thinking. THAT'S WHAT HE LIKED ABOUT ME! He says he just thought I was funny and bubbly and easy to talk to. These are the things my friends tell me they like about me and it never dawned on me a man might like it - I was too busy thinking he would only be interested in the size of my stomach/bum etc. In fact I tried to tell him this after we got together and he got really upset and said "If you thought thats all that interested me why would you want to be with me anyway?" He said I'd underestimated him. Who wants a man/partner who selects us by size alone? What kind of a shallow, no hoper would they be? Would you want to be with them anyway?
I just say concentrate on getting to know some men. Let your light shine before them! Don't even think too much about dating them or wether they find you attractive but just be your lovely self. Be confident and friendly and see what develops!
Sorry to go on and on but my little heart goes out to you. Keep your chin up and don't give up. You are doing a magnificent job. You are making amazing, positive, strong, life changing achievements and if you ever need reminding of that ASK ME and I'll remind you young lady!!!!
Lots of love Annie xxx
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Old 10-18-2004, 09:29 PM   #15
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Annie---AMEN SISTER!!! I could NOT agree more!!
Amy Jo

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