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Coming Clean

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Old 07-19-2004, 10:07 PM   #1
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Unhappy Coming Clean

Ok, so on June 9, I rejoined WW at 308.4. Well, here it is 5 weeks later and I weighed in today at 312 It hasn't been 5 weeks of gains, it's been 5 weeks of big losses and big gains. **SIGH** I stay on plan for about a week, just long enough to have a good loss and then off I go, eating whatever I feel like it. I fool myself into thinking that tomorrow, I will go back on and tomorrow just never comes. I wasn't all that motivated when I joined WW, but I knew I had to do something. Well, I still need to do something.

I told my WW leader that I was so disappointed in myself and that I wish we could just start over and act like today was my first day. She said "we can do that!" and she went and got me new books and replaced my sheet in her book. Week 1 - 312. I didn't expect that. So here I sit, just a mere 8 lbs from my highest weight and a chance to start over.

I wanted to hide from you guys. Actually, I have been doing just that to some extent. I didn't want everyone to know that once again I had failed. I had failed to do what I had said I was going to do...failed to follow through...failed myself. Then my own words started ringing in my head. "when people are doing bad, they tend to hide out and that's when they should come here the most, when they need the support". So here I am, coming clean.

I weigh 312 lbs and today I re-joined Weight Watchers.

I plan to turn my greatest failure into my greatest achievement. I know it will be a rough road, but I am up for the challenge.

I have a bracelet that I had custom made that says "it's up to me". Tonight I will put that bracelet back on and remember that it's all about choices and it's up to me. My plan of attack is simple, stick to my points and move my butt. This isn't rocket science (as someone said) I know what needs to be done. Time to stop the talking and get to doing!

Thanks for always being there! Love you guys!!
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Old 07-19-2004, 10:28 PM   #2
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Sandi, I'm very, very proud of you, and I celebrate your new beginning! It's a new chapter, and the past is in the past. Turn the page. That was then and this is now, and you have a world of choices before you.....you write it. You can't rewrite the past, nor are you forced to repeat it. You. Are. In. Control. Write it like you want to live it. Make your mantra about your future, and choose who and how you want to be. Act it till it's real. You have a world of support here, and it's UNCONDITIONAL. I - WE - are all here for you, listen to us when we say that you can do it.

Did I say that I was proud of you? I'm really, really, REALLY proud of you. And I just LOVE this chapter in the Book of Sandi!
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Old 07-19-2004, 10:40 PM   #3
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Sandi, I noticed just a little while ago that you had updated your signature and gained back a bit. I'm really sorry that you are struggling with this. I think it was me that said it isn't rocket science recently on another thread.

I did WW shortly after my son was born and actually did quite well with it but after awhile I decided that I couldn't really afford it. I was planning on continuing counting points but without the sense that I had to lose weight in order to feel good on my weigh-in days I couldn't keep going with it. My only problem with WW is that I continued to eat unhealthy food, I was just eating a lot less of it so when I went off it I just went back to eating the quantity I was used to. I don't know if you are trying to change the way you eat or the quantity or both but if I am completely honest with myself I know that I can't go back to eating the way that I was because I can't control myself once I start down that path. Right now with the plan I am following (dr. phil) I have completely cut out practically all refined foods. That is what causes me to gain weight. Also I finally came to the realization that when I have to count anything I can't stick with it. It drives me mad to have to look up points or calorie counts or whatever. That isn't real life.

Something new that I've been trying to get through my head is to think and eat like a naturally thin person. I don't mean that person that has a metabolism so fast they can eat anything and get away with it. Naturally thin people don't count calories or points. They eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. They don't automatically take food whenever it is offered, they say no if they are not hungry. A friend who is naturally thin declined my offer of some homemade chocolate chip cookies once and I was insulted as anything until I realized that I was expecting her to act like I would which would have been to grab a couple of cookies and scarf them down in 2 seconds. No, she wasn't hungry so she didn't want anything to eat.

Why are you able to stay on plan for 1 week and then go off it the next? It seems to me that this is what you need to figure out. Is it that you figure you've been good so you deserve a break? or you are tired of counting points for every morsel of food you put in your mouth? or you are eating the same unhealthy food you've always eaten but not as much so at the end of the week you feel like you are starving?

I think you are a great person Sandi and you've been wonderful to everyone on this board. I hate to hear that you are going through all of this. I really want to help, please let me know if there is anything that I can do!!
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Old 07-19-2004, 11:50 PM   #4
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Sandi,

Don't let this get you down! I can tell you're a very strong lady and you have made the first step by admitting this to us! You need to have the confidence in yourself that you CAN do this. Trust me, I've been on/off plan many times and this is the first time that I can honestly say I've done more than 1 week. I don't know what it is, but I get in the same situation as you.... I eat bad food, then its I'll restart tomorrow... and tomorrow never comes. However, this time it DID! You have to completely change your way of thinking, even if you have 1 bad thing in a day, don't let that get you off track for the whole day, restart at your next meal!

Hun, we all go through the same things, just on different days/weeks! Now, its your turn to turn the page and start a new beginning... Sandi, I'm not too far ahead of you.. (about 3 weeks) and I know we can do this together. Forget the past, and focus on the future.. You're future is what you make it and I know you can do this and I know you want you this... for you and for Jacob!

I know you already know the support and encouragement from everyone here is tremenduous.. You have given me strong words and encouragement in the past when I've been at my weakest (when I re-joined the 100 lb. club in April 2004) and we're all here to do the same for you!

As for the bracelet, I think that's a beautiful idea! Here's to tomorrow your new beginning. Again, we're all in this together and we can all accomplish our goals. Be proud of who you are and where you're going!

Lots of Love and Support,
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Old 07-20-2004, 12:05 AM   #5
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Hey you get good at something through practice. A new way of looking at food, a more self loving method of being in the world. It takes time to make a habit, to change the programming that has kept us gaining over the years. You make the choices every day, every moment. Make them count towards your goals instead of against you. Where there is a will, there is a way. Be well.
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Old 07-20-2004, 01:43 AM   #6
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Sandi--

We all understand that feeling that makes you want to throw up... it's like "Oh, I suck. Damn, this is hard," at the same time. Every person here. The important thing is that you DON'T believe that for one second.

Personally, I think that if you dedicated yourself, if you REALLY WANTED to lose the weight, you'd do it. You're so saavy and organized and just lovely.

Read your "Jacob I Promise You" letter again and start over. Forget about yesterday, last week, February, last Christmas, 5 years ago.... tomorrow is done. Live today so that you can improve tomorrow. Love, Apryl
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Old 07-20-2004, 01:53 AM   #7
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Sandi, we are here for you no matter what, whether you have good news or bad....it's so easy (and I know cause I've done it) to run from the board when you are off track or gaining. I know that if you really dedicate yourself, you can do it.
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Old 07-20-2004, 08:44 AM   #8
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Sandi.... big hugs to you girl!! I knew something was up - I know your patterns. You are never gone this long unless something is wrong. I applaud you for your braveness!!! Baby Steps... baby steps. I will pray for you.. you are such a special person. I want only the best for you!!!!!

Love you!!

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Old 07-20-2004, 09:21 AM   #9
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Hugs to you Sandi ~ Keep hanging in there ~ one day at a time ~ each day is a new day to start over or continue whichever ~ don't give up ~ you can do this!!!!

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Old 07-20-2004, 11:04 AM   #10
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Sandi-

BIG HUGS AND GOOD VIBES TO YOU!!

I am so proud of you.. and you have nothign to feel guilty about. Weight loss is NOT easy. It was a real good idea to officially "start over" and I think that it will really help you. I KNOW you can do it.. we all know you can!

Reading your post to your son brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps you should carry a copy around with you and re-read it when bingeing or eating that last cupcake/piece of cake/etc or saying "oh well.. I've already screwed up for the day, why not keep going?" seems acceptable. I REALLY like the bracelet idea, too! Good for you for having a plan of attack.

And it may not be "rocket science" to lose weight, but Sandi, give yourself some credit! You're not only beating the bulge, you're beating years and years of excuses and bad choices. It's kicking a habit! That's never easy.

You're going to do GREAT!
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Old 07-20-2004, 07:24 PM   #11
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Ah Sandi, I can identify with you so much! I am just the same - except you have more courage to share your failures!

I think it is great that your WW leader was thoughtful enough to start a new record for you - it makes a difference to have a 'fresh start'. I always keep a diet journal, and everytime i have a 'fresh start' I go out and buy a new one! My partner takes the mick out of me for doing that - but it's important to me to have a clean slate with no looking back.

You are where you are Sandi - don't look back, only forward to your great future!

All the best

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Old 07-20-2004, 11:03 PM   #12
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Hi Sandi,

Remember me? We have talked before, and you were very kind to me. I want you to know that I respect you so much for what you are doing! It is so hard to come clean, but with the help of all these wonderful women, I know you'll reach goal.

The thing I wanted to say is this - I read in Health Magazine awhile back that yo-yo dieters are almost always successful because they are tenacious enough to eventually get the job done! This is not to recommend yo-yoing, but it is new hope for those of us who have stumbled in the past.

Good luck, and hang in there!
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Old 07-21-2004, 12:19 AM   #13
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(((((((((((((((((((SANDI)))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are having a hard time right now staying on plan. I know you can do it though. It really is the day to day of it that makes you or breaks you. Paying attention to those thoughts of "Ill start tomorrow" will keep you on track. Every time you think "Ok just this once..." Or "I'll start tomorrow" realize that those are the thoughts that are making you heavy. We dont have yesterday or tomorrow we only have now. Tell yourself "I'll start now" No matter how far off plan youve gone, the trick is to start over THAT MINUTE. It really does add up. Also try taking the time to figure out what the thoughts are that are making you go off plan after a big weight loss. I know for me I tend to get nervous when I loose a lot of weight so I have to watch for that. Or sometimes I think Ive been doing so good I deserve a treat. I am sure if you think about the exact moment you make a decision to eat something you shouldnt, you should be able to figure out the why of it. Thats why I like the Dr. Phil book. He gets into why we eat, go off plan etc. Maybe borrow the book from the library or get a copy on ebay. You can still follow weight watchers but use some of the psychological info from Dr. Phil to augment your plan.

I also want to thank you for posting about your difficulty. It is a reminder that others are struggling too and that we are in this together. Take care.
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Old 07-21-2004, 09:11 AM   #14
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I just want to thank everyone for your kind words and encoragement.

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed within my points, drank lots of water and went to the gym. 25 minutes on the treadmill and lifted weights. My ankle is sore from the treadmill, but I guess you'll have that. I think I might have made the incline too high. I had some bumps in the road yesterday and I made good choices. I feel in control. It's a good feeling, now to just feel this way for a lifetime...

Thanks again you guys. I think I will be checking in every day or every few days on this thread, just to be EXTRA accountable and hopefullty get me through several weeks on plan.
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Old 07-21-2004, 10:30 AM   #15
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Well done Sandi for making good choices and going to the gym!

Love Amanda x
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