I'm back. Had a really rough holiday. I was pretty depressed for a lot of it and spent two weeks literally moving between bed and the couch and eating non-stop. I gained twenty pounds. Since then...has it only been two weeks?? I've been up and down - battled through the weeks and just when I've started feeling more stable (after having a few days healthy eating under my belt) I've hit the weekends and faceplanted. So. Scale said 225 this morning. Which is what it was post holiday. It's hard not to feel defeated.
Upon reflection, all of 2016 was a big stall for me. The two years previous were big "on track" years for me. Even though there were bad periods. 2016 was pretty even good and bad, and I just bounced back and forth between 225 and 195 all year. Exhausting. I'm feeling full and disappointed tonight...but also determined for this to be it. If I'm truly at 225 (desperate to believe at least some of it is just bloating), that gives me 35 to within healthy range and then it's a hop skip and a jump to my goal weight. I'm moving in June and I really want to be maintaining a stable, healthy, lifestyle and weight by that point because I will have a lot of new challenges to deal with and wont have space for food bullshit. It's scary, but also galvanizing.
I have to do it.
My two main challenges are a) getting through the first week or so of grumpiness and, b) sticking with it when I feel like I can handle a 'day off' (by which I generally mean, sitting on the couch stuffing my face with bags and bags of junkfood), because even if one 'day off' were healthy-ish, it is NEVER EVER EVER just one day. I need to get that through my thick head. And I need to get junk foods out of my regular diet. 1500 calories isn't healthy either, when 800 of that is sugar. >.<
Well carter's long weekend of semi-indulgence as at an end, and I'm ready to settle in to a productive and on-plan short week (I'm taking Friday off too). Last night at the company party I did all right except for these delicious mini-whoopie-pie-like cookies. I won't say how many of them I had. But that's behind me now.
Bookmark, I'm not sure we've met before - hello! Sounds like you know what you need to do. I also struggle with the day off --> days off issue. That "oh well, I've already blown the day / week / month / entire diet, may as well go all out" slope is just too easy to fall onto. One thing I try to do is to focus on even smaller units than a day - one meal at a time, one eating opportunity at a time, one bite at a time. Even if you go off plan during one meal - whether considered or not - try not to think of it as a "day off". Instead think of it as one off-plan event and get back on it with the very next bite of food.
Mandy, congratulations on that 50 lb milestone. From what you have said I can't quite tell whether you think so, but 35 pounds in 6 months is a really terrific rate of loss, one that can't be achieved without sustained effort and discipline. Could you have lost more with even more sustained effort and discipline? Maybe, who knows - but what you did achieve is tremendous and don't sell yourself short about it.
Diane, thank you. <3 I'm glad to hear the lidocaine is helping and that you're feeling able to exercise a bit. Injuries that get in the way of exercise when you are raring to go are the absolute worst.
Laurie, I think because our stats (and, oddly, our career paths) are so similar (oh, and also our chose of mid-century feminist icons as avatars), I'm looking to you as the one I want to catch up with. I went for a run this weekend on a route I used to take when I was trim, and I really didn't feel up to doing more than 2/3 of it - I did ~3 miles instead of ~4.5 miles. It made me feel lousy, to remember that I am carrying around an extra 40 pounds relative to my best, and that's why I can't do that run any more. When I saw that you ran 4.5 miles, and weigh what I'd like to weigh again, I got fired up!
Mandy - FIFTY POUNDS!!! What a HUGE accomplishment that is, especially because life didn't stop so that you could focus on your weight. Now, you have successfully transitioned to your husband's new congregation; you have a gorgeous, healthy baby boy; started a new business (I type as I take a minute to apply your lipbalm to my chapped lips); AND you lost fifty pounds. AND you are here, plugging away at the next ten to get to your marriage weight. You are a ROCK STAR. CONGRATULATIONS!
Diane - It always seems to be good news/bad news with your back. But it sounds like the good news is that you can be back in the gym, maintaining the fitness level you have worked for years to maintain. Glad you have a diagnosis and a treatment regimen. Sad that it's not gone yet. You have been fighting it for so long, it seems. Sending healing thoughts your way.
I ran yesterday for four miles, as promised. I took far too many "breathing breaks." (I have asthma, and occasionally, I'm legitimately concerned that if I don't stop for a few seconds and catch a breath, I will die. Other times, I know I am using it as an excuse to take a quick break.) But I didn't quit, so I'll count it as a win. I also did pretty well at restricting calories and snacking yesterday. And I am wearing a size 10 skirt with a medium shirt that I think look good and flatter my shape (which is not round!). Things are good. Still have to struggle to restrict calories, but not fighting the way I have been for the past week or so.
Mandy: Congrats on the 50 pounds!! That's definitely something to be proud of!
Bookmark: Glad you are back. I'm sorry it has been such a rough time for you. I can't imagine how that feels to go through that. But, looking forward to hearing from you again. You can do it!!!
Carter: Good job on getting back to the running!!! I know it is hard to look at where you were and that you aren't quite there yet. I totally get that!! But, you'll get back to it!
Laurie: Yeah, sometimes it is hard to tell if we really need a break, or if we're not pushing enough. I really do think it is a fine line. Sounds like your asthma is a pretty good reason to take a break, though! Good job on the running!
For me, I made it to the gym and Body Pump today. When I got up, I had the debate on whether I should go or not, as I was still feeling pain. I pushed myself to go. In general, it went well during the class. I was so very disappointed in having to go so much lower on my weights. But I know I had to do that. There were a couple of times that I felt pain, but I do think it was good to be there. I grabbed the shower that has the really hot water and stayed in there for quite a while after class, and then I felt kind of stiff when I got to work. But, that's just the way it is. Hopefully this will help it go away. Everything I read encourages keeping up with exercise to help with stiffness. So, there it is.
Not a great food day yesterday, but working to stay on track today.
Bookmark - Welcome back! I totally get it with the days off thing. One thing I have learned during my weight loss roller coaster ride is that I cannot handle a cheat day. I have to get them out of my mind. There are no cheat days. No cheat meals. Just treats that I fit into my plan. Dinner out? Eat lighter during the day, and get a good workout in... If I'm planing on a particularly indulgent meal (like an anniversary or a birthday celebration with the hubs), I might eat lighter the day before and after, or 2 days before. I do my best to have an average calorie intake during the week, so if it's low one day and high the next it averages out. I struggle mightily trying to get back on plan after being off plan. It's why the holidays hit me so hard. HOWEVER, if I completely eliminate something from my diet, I start to crave it, which leads to binges. So, I've had to learn how to fit those things in. Which is good. Because moderation is an important skill to have. My new plan is to eat like I'd eat at maintenance, for the most part, and reestablish a healthy relationship with food. Good luck finding the right balance for you.
Carter - I am pretty happy with 35 in the last 6 months! I know I can usually lose faster (I've averaged 8-10 pounds per month when I've put my mind to losing weight and tracked my calories and exercised properly), but the last 6 months have presented so many challenges (the biggest being dental issues) on top of the normal multiple-holidays-with-so-much-food issue I have. The second half of the year is always where I get off track. The fact that I lost instead of gaining or maintaining speaks volumes, I think, about my determination this time.
Laurie - I have already gone through an entire tube of that balm and half of another. I am so glad I found the recipe to make it! The regular peppermint version seems to be the most popular variation! It's awesome stuff. (Side bit of fun, some of the same ingredients can be used to make a natural vapor rub that was excellent during my illness!). And thank you for being such an awesome cheer leader! I am seeing your struggle and progress in spite of it and saying "I want to do that, too!" I currently have a goal outfit hanging in my closet that is a size L shirt and a size 14 pair of jeans that I am hoping to wear some day (Currently 3X tops and size 22/24 pants). The shirt isn't that attractive, but my snooty MIL bought it for me as a Christmas gift before I got pregnant, with a condescending comment of "I just hope you can wear it some day." She has always had a hang up about my weight. I've been in her life for 8 years now, married to her son for more than 5, and even gave her a grandson... and she still only sees a fat girl. Frustrating. (I got off track, sorry lol)
Diane - Your gym stories and fitness triumphs are always motivating. I'm sorry you're still feeling pain, though, and hope it gets better for you soon. I'm a big wuss when it comes to pain, and have been known to use the silliest little pain to avoid exercise. I can't even imagine trying to work through something that has required medical attention. Kudos to you!
Nothing much exciting to report here. Rain cut my walk short last night. I had to put new batteries in my scale (and still got a new low weight this morning!). We're having pasta for dinner tonight so I'm probably gonna have a bit of water retention bloat tomorrow. Trying to drink extra water to keep the bloat to a minimum. Thinking about getting a Qalo silicone ring to wear temporarily so I don't get my ring resized multiple times. Boring stuff. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I was going to say something earlier about "my willpower being like a muscle needing serious strength training!" and then I read this thing over at MFP and had to share!
Hi, Carter: Nice to meet you as well. I've been off and on this site for the past year, not posting tonnes outside of check-ins. Good point on the smaller focus. It's too easy to get stuck into that all or nothing mindset.
Thanks everyone else for the welcome back.
Ferafilia: I've learned the same thing about myself. Cheat days are just playing with fire. At the same time, completely cutting things out doesn't work. A hundred times, I've learned this. And then I go courting danger! I really need to get some serious months of habit under my belt again to build up that mental strength. But I also do legitimately need to cut way down on my junk intake and set some reasonable rules for myself.
Today sucked again. Hopefully I wont be saying the same tomorrow.
Sounds like things are going well, for the most part, here. LaurieDawn: You've come so far! Seriously well done! Huraah for size 10 and medium.
Bookmark - I don't know how I missed seeing your previous post, but I know EXACTLY what you mean. My "days off" are almost never "I earned this, I will enjoy it and get back on plan tomorrow" events. They tend to be, "I'll just have a bit of that. And a bit of that. And . . . " And then I commit to "tomorrow," thinking somehow it will be easy then, but it is even harder. Glad you're here. Glad you posted two days in a row. Glad you're here to say, "Today sucked again." Because we have ALL had days that sucked. And I want to bury my head and give in when I get too embarrassed by the fact that I can't control my food, and then I want to avoid this place. This is HARD. But we do hard here. And we do it well.
Mandy - First of all, I LOVE your new profile pic. I need to learn how to take pictures that don't look awkward and weird. Can I suggest that you donate that top that your MIL gave you RIGHT NOW and replace it with an attractive top? I cannot believe she gave you that top and then made that awful, hideous comment to you. You owe her nothing, and if it was me, I would resent the **** out of that shirt. (Of course, it might be exactly what you need to motivate you, in which case you should keep it.) She does produce attractive children, though (with good taste in wives) and does have an adorable grandson. =) You are rocking this right now. I am in awe of your progress, and hope to be replicating it soon. You are right. This is the time of year that things start to get easier, and I need to take advantage of it too.
Diane - Glad you are back in the gym, and that you are making progress. I agree, though, it can be SO FRUSTRATING to have to grab lower weights. But we're always progressing, even if we have to progress again after a set-back. I am glad you are making educated decisions, and that you are able to exercise again. I cannot wait until the time when the back is no more than an afterthought. And thank you for helping me justify my little breaks. =)
Carter - You totally Ninja'd me yesterday, and I didn't notice. I often take hours to write my posts, as I frequently get interrupted by "real work." Also, my posts are often too long. I read about your path and your running three miles, and I am in awe. I have been working up to where I am now since August (and about 220 pounds). At that point, I was literally struggling to run for a full minute at a time. And yet, you attacked that path and ran 3 miles! I am going to cheer for you every step of the way, but I am going to try really, really hard to stay ahead of you. =) I am going to struggle to do that, as I thought I would die after running four miles without any walking intervals on Monday. But I WILL stay on my training plan, and you and I will be posting about our "long runs" of ten miles on the weekends soon.
I had a complete meltdown yesterday. I know what triggered it (candy that I convinced myself I "couldn't" stop eating). I know what factors contributed to it (too much confidence that I could shut down the binge, so I didn't fight hard enough on the front end, when it would have been easier, combined with too little sleep, too much junk in the house, and a fatal decision to not avoid the kitchen when I knew it was getting out of hand). And I went on a full-on binge, complete with eating until my stomach hurt (although, slightly helpfully, I chose generally healthier options), heartburn that prevented me from sleeping well, AND a choice to resume the binge after I went to the gym and had some success at burning through the discomfort of too much food in my stomach. Ironically, the main benefit of the gym for me last night would have been putting myself in a situation where eating was not an option, then using that as a restart point.
But that was yesterday. I put on a skirt this morning that I bought two years ago. I love it, and it fits. I always think that one day off-plan will put me back to my starting size, so I am always mildly surprised when my "smaller" clothes fit, and then I want to start wearing stuff with elastic waistbands that are not form-fitting. I fought that urge, put on my skirt, and came to work. I want to get lost in an interesting, knotty legal problem and avoid this site, cuz who wants to admit that she screwed up so royally when she had been doing so well? But I didn't. I am here, and will tackle the legal problem after I take care of myself. (I always feel the need to add that I put in way too many hours, so I never feel guilty when I post here during "work" hours.)
I have decided, until I get a handle on things again, that I will do three days of a liquid diet. I have had some success with this in the past, and I did a two-week version of it to jump-start things when I found myself back up to 263 pounds last spring. My husband is traveling for work, which always makes compliance with plan easier for me. Today is my "speed day" for running, and that's always easier for me than steady state for 48 minutes (which is how long it takes me to run four miles). I am going to push my speed to 6.4 mph today instead of the 6.2 I have been doing, and add an additional cycle. Last week, on my "speed day," I stuck to my plan, even though I knew I had more in me. And I will get rid of the temptations in my house. I don't even have to throw it away. I can just send it to my ex-husband's house. =)
I feel much better after reading all of your posts. If you've read this far, let me emphasize how much your words and your judgment-free responses to my messed-up eating help me.
Mandy: Love your new picture! Very flattering and your hair is cute like that! I love the way you plan around times when your food might not be what you normally eat. Way to go on that!! I need to do that more, too.
Bookmark: I agree with Laurie (usually do!), and I'm glad you came here to post even though the day sucked. We need to be in the habit of coming here to post even when things aren't going great. That's how we get through it and move forward. Way to go!!!
Laurie: So, yesterday's meltdown was in the past. Thanks for sharing it with us, but we'll just focus on your running now! ha! Glad you didn't let it get you down today.
For me, I went to spin class this morning. It was hard, and my back hurt some, but it wasn't too bad. So happy to be back in there. Spin is such a good workout to me, that I really missed it. If I keep doing well, I hope to add running back to the schedule next week. I'm so far behind Laurie and Carter!!! I need to catch up.
Food was on plan yesterday and my weigh in was great this morning. It was nice to see that finally, instead of the increases over the past few months. Long way to go, but at least it is trending downward, at least for today.
Laurie - I refuse to ditch the shirt (which is a pretty color, just not a huge fan of the cut, and the pattern isn't my favorite, and it's a sorta shiny material) because that's what she expects me to do. One of these days I'll be able to wear it in front of her and make her eat her nasty comments. It's probably not a healthy motivator, but sometimes the anger at her nastiness is the only thing that keeps me going and that's better than not going at all. I see it every day when I go in my closet (I do have a lovely walk in closet in the bedroom, one of my favorite things about the house). And next time I visit them, in July, I want to shock the h*ll out of them by going for a run. They have no idea I'm starting to train to run a 5k. That's a thing only my husband, my bff, and my online weight loss and fitness friends know.
Laurie and Diane - Thank you for the kind words about my new photo! I took that right after getting my hair cut, in the car on the way home. I will never look like that again, lol. I can never get my hair to do what it does after visiting the salon. Though I saw what she did and how she did it, so I might give it a try.
Not much going on here. It's been cloudy, and cold, and rainy for the last few days but I've been outside walking. Still waiting to get out and get my running shoes, which, with any luck at all, will be when we do our bi-weekly errands that require us to another town 30 minutes away. We just have to figure out when we're gonna go because my husband has a visitation and a funeral during our "regular" shopping time. I didn't get them 2 weeks ago like I'd initially planned because of icy weather and illness in the house. I feel like the delay means I won't be able to do the 5k I was looking at at the end of April. I am going to look for one happening Memorial Day weekend, because I'm sure there will be several and we will be able to get family in town to hang out with the munchkin. I know the program is only 9 weeks long, but I feel like it will take me multiple repeats of several days to complete it.
I can do it. I'm not giving up. I'm just looking at reality and time. I want to be ready, not struggling.
My scale is a digital scale with 3 digits - no decimal point, no misleading precision. I get to record my weight in 1-pound increments and that's it. The scale, though, does have to do some rounding, because while its display is quantized at 1 pound, its sensor is of course continuous. And so sometimes when I get on it takes a moment to think before giving me its final answer. I suppose these are the times when another scale might show something-point-4 or something-point-6.
This morning, it thought rreeeaallllyy hard about giving me 195 before settling on 196. I can live with that.
I'd like to clarify something in one of my earlier posts that I think some of you misunderstood - when I went out on my old running route the other day, it wasn't a three-mile-run picked up after a long hiatus or anything like that. I hadn't been on this particular route in a while, but I have been running pretty regularly since the spring, when I started a C25K program. Three miles (3.2, in fact, 5k) has been my standard for a while, even though I didn't lose any weight in 2016 because my eating wasn't under control. I didn't mean to give the impression that I just up and ran 3 miles without any buildup.
Still I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement.
Mandy: I think your cautious approach to training for a 5k is right on. I find it's better for me to set modest goals and achieve or exceed them than to set ambitious goals and fall short. This certainly varies with personality; some people are inspired by what my boss would call a BHAG (big hairy audacious goal), and aren't particularly bothered by not making it all the way there. For me, though, failing to meet my goals can set me into a fun mental spiral of "oh I never finish anything" and "why am I such an undisciplined slug" and "what a wretched waste of potential I am" and "hey why don't I sit down and think through all the goals I have ever failed to meet throughout my 45 years of life on this earth, that's a good idea" and so on. And when it's a physical goal, a training goal, pushing too hard is too likely to injury and set you back far enough to put even the modest goal out of reach for a while. So for the 5k, I think you're right on to set a realistic goal, like expecting it to take you 12 weeks to get through a 9-week program, and if you find you exceed it, so much the better.
Diane: So many nice things to see in your post - back not too bad, food on plan, scale giving you a friendly result. I'm glad you had a good day. Here's to many more.
Laurie: Oh, Laurie, I'm so sorry about your meltdown and binge day. It's just the worst feeling. Your comment about our judgment-free responses made me smile, because I feel not just judgment-free when you talk about your struggles, but compassion for you and comfort for myself, knowing that other people can be exactly where I sometimes find myself - having lost loads of weight, even mostly succeeded in keeping it off, and STILL diving head-first into sacks of candy from time to time. Keep at it. I know you can put the binge behind you and get back on track.
You made another great point that I want to highlight - you mention that stopping the binge "at the front end" would have been so much easier. This is so, so, SO true. I often say, "I don't want a piece of candy - I want a pound of candy." It is much, much easier for me not to start on any delicious food than to stop once I have started. No matter how difficult, how much white-knuckling it might take not to start, stopping once I've started is just that much harder. I try to think about all the opportunities I have to cut off a binge - I don't have to take the candy off the shelf in the store, I don't have to carry it all the way to the register, I don't have to pay for it, I don't have to take it home, I don't have to open it, I don't have to put the first piece in my mouth. If I haven't cut it off by then, though, all bets are off.
Bookmark: Striking that balance between setting yourself some reasonable rules and not treating yourself like an inmate in a Soviet gulag is incredibly tricky. It's so great that you are thinking hard about it. All I can say is - as I think you already know - it takes loads of practice and missteps and self-pep-talks and game-playing and strategizing and being tactical. Be compassionate with yourself and keep experimenting with how to do it and how to think about it.
All right, I am off to the gym for strength training - I ran yesterday. Then I have to apply my laser-like focus to my work, because I have a lot to do today in advance of my lovely and indulgent day off tomorrow. Have a great day, all.
PS I just noticed that when I updated my signature the other day I said "Current weight: 175" - what the heck kind of wish-fullfilment typo is that? I'll go fix that right now. That's hilarious. Shaved off 20 pounds just by saying so!
Mandy - That shirt is going to look FANTASTIC on you. I am really glad you're able to use it for inspiration to make changes that you really want to make. Will you do me this favor, though? Never tell that woman that she helped to inspire you. That, she does not deserve. And I am totally with you and Carter about postponing the C25K. The program is, I think, targeted to reasonably fit people that just want to add running to their repertoire. If I hit all my targets on my half-marathon training program, I will be ready to run it by the end of March. But the one I am completing is at the beginning of June, for much the same reasons as what you're saying. Having the target and the schedule, though, have made me much more committed to running than when I was just doing the C25K without a race date set. IMHO, you have struck the perfect balance. Now to get the shoes. . . .
Bookmark - Hope that things are going better. Even if the eating and exercise goals are not on point right now, I hope that the depression is in check. I struggle with depression, too, and it is hard.
Diane - I am so excited that things are going well for you again. The back pain has got to just go already, though. Forever. And soon. Cuz the running and hiking and spin class and body pump, etc. etc. etc. you do are always so inspiring for me. (And I know. I am your sole motivation for all of this. =) Really glad you're finding your way with food, and very happy that the scale is showing you some love in return. 2017 is our year, baby!
Carter - Oops. I should not make assumptions about people. I actually have even more admiration than I did before for your casual three-mile run, though. That is the kind of consistency that I need. I tend to either be in the gym/on the trail six (or even seven) days a week, or not at all. And thank you so much for your kindness and your perspective. It is an important reminder to me that I have many, many decision points, even after I am deeply into binge mode. I also am a member of the "I'm the only truly crazy person" club too often. I know I have "disordered eating" issues, and I sometimes shame myself and use it as a springboard to "imposter syndrome." "I have this responsible job and people think I am smart/talented/whatever, but if they knew how a piece of candy can throw me into a tailspin, they would never be comfortable with me handling [insert legal problem]." It is often so much easier for me to be compassionate and realistic about someone else. I view you with such admiration (always have), so when you say that you, too, struggle with disordered eating, it's easier for me to be compassionate to myself.
Yesterday went much, much better. The candy is still here, right outside my office. I avoided it all day, then when everyone else was gone (I am almost always the last one working), I grabbed a huge handful of it and threw it away in the bathroom garbage can. I feel no guilt. I will do it again today, and then tomorrow, assuming there's any left by then. =) The Unjury chicken protein broth that I ate yesterday was delicious and soothing (100 calories, 21 grams of protein), and I felt in control enough to eat dinner with the children. It helps that I got to choose dinner, so it was high-protein, low-fat, high-fiber, low-calorie. Unfortunately, I didn't get to the gym until 8 p.m. Still, I went because I need to stick to my training schedule. It was my "high"-speed interval day, and I was scheduled to do three cycles of 3 minutes running/1.5 minutes walking/5 minutes running/2.5 minutes walking. My usual pace is 5.2 mph, so my goal was 6.4 mph. I did the first interval without incident, but decided I probably needed to adjust for the 5-minute interval, so I did it at 6.0 mph without incident. In the middle of the second 3-minute/6.4 mph interval, my chest started hurting. I started walking and googling, and discovered that heartburn is a likely cause of chest pain while running. This explanation makes sense to me, as I do have heartburn issues and I was running within an hour after having eaten, which I try to avoid doing. I have an appointment with my doctor next Monday, so I will ask her about it. I did not go back to my planned routine, but did continue some short intervals, including running for a full minute at 7.2 mph, until I reached 2.75 miles. The path to victory is not always smooth. =) But I am going to continue moving forward. I lift tonight, but tomorrow is another running day, and perversely, I'm looking forward to it.
Mandy: What a great idea! I need to take a picture right after the salon so that I can have a good profile picture, too! Like it! And, I'm with everyone else, take it slower on the 5K goal. It is never good to push and then have an injury!!
Carter: Any day now, your scale will give in to that lower number! You're doing well!
Laurie: Good to hear that your running is going well. I think you're right about the heartburn, but I'm also glad you are checking it with your doctor. Never a bad idea to make sure!!
For me, I went back to Body Pump again today. It went pretty well. Kind of fighting soreness all over just from getting back to it all. My back was pretty tight when I got to work, but it feels better now. I was thinking about going to Body Flow tomorrow, but I'll make that decision later, so I can see how I feel.
The scale stayed the same today. I was glad since I went over a little bit on calories yesterday.
Thank you all for your kind words on my decision to push back my 5k goal, and understanding that it's not giving up. I really want to do the Super Run. It's a super hero 5k. You get a cape and stuff as part of your packet. But I think April 29 is probably going to be pushing me to finish the program a little faster than I'm capable. It's 14 weeks away, and the program is 9 weeks, but I'm assuming I will take much longer than 9 weeks to finish. I can currently jog, slowly, for about two and a half minutes, before I need a break. My fitness is going up and my weight is going down, and that's going to continue, but I would have the little hooker in my head saying all the things Carter pointed out. If I set that goal and didn't complete it, I would feel like a failure and it would probably be the thing that made me give up.
Part of me wants to plan for Mid-July, and surprise my MIL when I say "oh, hey, you get the kid Saturday morning, we're running a 5k" and register for one in her area that weekend. I know it will be hot, but they are normally in the morning which would be much more comfortable. We'll see. Getting the bib and a photo at the finish line is just the official sorta HEY LOOK I DID IT thing. The goal is to finish the C25k program, and be able to run for 3-4 miles. I will probably look for one that's a month out when I get to the last week of the program. Give myself a full month or more to get that last week under my belt. I want to do this, and I want to do it right - not fast (okay I want to do it fast, too, but reality is not going to let that happen). I need to get all my ducks in a row before I start looking at specific dates. It will happen. I am going to make it happen.
But that's behind me now.
Sounds like you know what you need to do. I also struggle with the day off --> days off issue. That "oh well, I've already blown the day / week / month / entire diet, may as well go all out" slope is just too easy to fall onto. One thing I try to do is to focus on even smaller units than a day - one meal at a time, one eating opportunity at a time, one bite at a time. Even if you go off plan during one meal - whether considered or not - try not to think of it as a "day off". Instead think of it as one off-plan event and get back on it with the very next bite of food. 
I went for a run this weekend on a route I used to take when I was trim, and I really didn't feel up to doing more than 2/3 of it - I did ~3 miles instead of ~4.5 miles. It made me feel lousy, to remember that I am carrying around an extra 40 pounds relative to my best, and that's why I can't do that run any more. When I saw that you ran 4.5 miles, and weigh what I'd like to weigh again, I got fired up! 
(Side bit of fun, some of the same ingredients can be used to make a natural vapor rub that was excellent during my illness!). And thank you for being such an awesome cheer leader! I am seeing your struggle and progress in spite of it and saying "I want to do that, too!" I currently have a goal outfit hanging in my closet that is a size L shirt and a size 14 pair of jeans that I am hoping to wear some day (Currently 3X tops and size 22/24 pants). The shirt isn't that attractive, but my snooty MIL bought it for me as a Christmas gift before I got pregnant, with a condescending comment of "I just hope you can wear it some day." She has always had a hang up about my weight. I've been in her life for 8 years now, married to her son for more than 5, and even gave her a grandson... and she still only sees a fat girl. Frustrating. (I got off track, sorry lol)
