Had some mental and emotional major struggles yesterday. I caught my reflection while I was working out and I just wanted to cry. Most of the time I avoid really seeing how far I've let myself go but I saw everything all bunched up as I went for an obliques curl and I was just so upset...so frustrated. Everything seems fruitless and how am I to keep going when I have so. much. distance. between where I am and my goal?
Also, I came home to find FRESH new stretch marks on the small flesh apron I seem to have developed. There are three of them on my right side and a new one on my left. I cried for a while. I'll be honest. I did. It's quite vain to do so and childish as well. But it really hurt me to see that.
So, this morning I am trying to count my blessings:
My general health is good.
I can move and jump and play!
I do have much joint pain because of being obese but it does not keep me from working and living and getting around the city to enjoy the winter air
I am blessed with the financial resources to eat healthy. Not luxuriously but with healthy lean meats and clean water and a lovely kettle for non-sugared tea
I am living in THE information age where it has never been easier for me to learn what I need to do to care for my body. To connect with beautiful, dynamic women who are doing the same (!!!) and to be inspired by all the lovely words of encouragement from so many fitness leaders.
I have a computer and electricity and wifi and shelter to indulge in said information age
I am alive and living in freedom and peace in my country.
My kindness and intelligence and business acumen and accomplishments ARE NOT AND HAVE NOT EVER BEEN dictated by my dress size. I am still me. At all sizes of my waist.
It is okay for me to want to improve. I have the freedom to choose what is best for my health and the appearance I want. But my life is not contingent upon how much material it takes to cover my *** in jeans
These are the types of things I am trying to focus on in this journey. I was grumpy as f'ck today before I ate my apple (sugar and carb dependency is a major issue for me) and I openly admit I cheated and put a heaping fat gob tablespoon of sugar in my tea. But it made me feel better and it's a far cry from my usual upset soother (2 fresh croissants, jam and a large mocha latte with extra dobs of sweet cream mmmmm). So I will call that progress!
I am sitting down today to make myself a small menu plan. It feels less overwhelming when I can wake up knowing how much time I'll need to spend in the kitchen preparing my meals.
Boy, this is an exercise in self reflection. A lot of feelings are bubbling up to the surface now that I do not reach for ice cream or use potato chips like a pacifier lol.
I am excited for this journey.
I am very scared.
I have no idea when it will feel like this is worth it.
I have no idea when I will no longer look away from myself in the mirror.
But I know that I am worth eating healthy and having exercise and being well. And that I am so lucky to have the resources and freedom to do so.
That's good enough for now, yeah?