Uber: That is one of the very reason love tracking my food, weight, and inches. The fact that you can look back and see that allowing an indulgence this time did not hinder you compared to the last time will help reinforce your new mentality. I love being able to look back and see that I have more muscle mass now than I did the last time.
Mandy: Brilliant! I read an article once that talked about eating at, or around, calories you would need to maintain your goal weight as a means of helping reach that weight. It's a practice I've tried to follow. Well, I generally eat several hundred calories less than what I would need to maintain, but I believe the principle to be sound nonetheless. On the journey down, it is definitely a good way of helping remind yourself that a single day of splurging now isn't going to break things when you aren't eating any more than you would at maintenance. Grapes, by the way, are awesome. -- And your picture made me giggle.
Ajonas: Two pounds is a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for. It may not seem like a lot, but it really is. It is important to not short change yourself on your hard work and, also, to embrace the slow and steady approach. I think, if you are ready, that it might just be time to broach the subject of your weight with your therapist. It would be wonderful if talking to her about it could help you find a deeper understanding of your roots, your triggers, etc. Celebrate your loss and your commitment to blossoming into a happier, healthier you. <3
Laurie: Oh, Laurie. I'm so so so so sorry about the frustrating night you had last night. I understand how frustrating it can be when someone doesn't seem to really be considering your thoughts, feelings, or emotions. I have faith that I'll find my Col. Brandon one day. It'll happen when it's meant to happen and it might be hard sometimes, but patience is going to be key for not going crazy in the meantime.
Not much to report on my front. Well, that's not entirely true. The guy from work did end up talking to me again. Apparently, he's having difficulty finding me on FB. He also gave me a usb with some old school video games on it. Been a long time since I've played old school video games. Lol.
Took yesterday off from working out. I'm thinking I'm going to put together some sort of fitness challenge (definitely one for planks and I'll call it "This is Why We Plank") and post it here and/or over at FatSecret.com. The scale was uncooperative this morning. But I'm sure it's got a lot to do with fluid build up as my muscles recovered yesterday from all the work I've been putting them through. I haven't done any exercises yet today but I will get to them soon. I'm also gonna go down to the lake this evening and go swimming for the first time in nearly a week. We had rain a few days and the other days I was just worn out. Really looking forward to the swim.
Also, I got the $17.60 refund from the sheriff's department in Colville for the fees to get my ex served his papers. (I sent enough to cover the cost if they had to drive out and attempt service, but he did, at least, go and pick them up himself.) So yay, I'm $17.60 richer. That's going straight into my fund for tennis shoes.
LaurieDawn - I know exactly what that evening was like for you and, while I'm really sorry that you had to experience it, I am so inspired by the fact that you reacted without overeating.
I am so marooned in fatland right now. The automatic spell checker keeps on changing "fatland" to "flatland" and it's almost reinforcing the feeling because I have to hit the little delete key a million times, as if I were saying "no ****it! it's FATland!!"
Mandy - There are two things bouncing around my head at the moment that came from you.
You talking about having the freedom to eat chips when you wanted really got me thinking. I don't know if that "freedom" would ever work for me. I would really like to be able to eat without having any internal monitor turned on and counting calories, but I don't think I have that kind of relationship with food now. There's a very good chance I never will and that's kind of hard to wrap my head around. For me right now freedom is a day where I don't have to think a lot about what I'm eating.
Unfortunately, I'm not terribly free at the moment because the hunger is still with me. Stupid progesterone. That's got me thinking about what you wrote about not being upset with yourself for eating maintenance level calories.
I went over my daily limit by 111 calories today because I wanted to have two nectarines as snacks. I'm stressed over something I'm working on and it may be just the crunch-crunch-crunch soothing that I needed. It might be hormonal. Who knows. But it reminded me of you and, before I got too down on myself, I asked myself what I would post if you had said the same thing. I'd be much nicer to you than you are to yourself and I think you'd do the same for me. If I came to this board and said "ZOMG everyone! I had 1511 calories today!!" you'd all very kindly and compassionately tell me I'm being ridiculous and to pull it together. You'd probably use different words, but the meaning would be the same.
So even if you're not feeling too awesome at the moment, you've done wonders for my own mental outlook. Thank you!
Mandy I think eating maintenance calories is a great idea. Yet another way to prove that we should be able to jump on and off the weight loss express. Pausing makes perfect sense. Love the cartoon.
JessicaYay for tennis shoes!
Laurie I'm not ashamed to admit that I've cried over pizza. I actually tend to panic when groups are ordering pizza. I hate it when there's not enough, and suddenly as the resident FAT LADY, I'm always the one expected to say-- oh don't worry, go ahead, I'll boil myself an egg. Hugs to you!
Martini I'm so sorry you're feeling marooned in FATLAND. Ugh. What you said about self-talk is SO TRUE. I would have ENTIRELY lost perspective about the two nectarines... and yet, when you tell me about it, it makes me want to give you a hug. It is really hard to figure out how to strike a balance between being flexible and being accountable to a plan. There has GOT to be a happy medium between my two extremes of "perfect diet queen" and "miserable fatso parked in the grocery store parking lot in Fatland secretly eating chocolate eclairs..."
I bounced back to 261 today after two days of sticking at 260, but I DO think I'm going to see a middle number of 5 very soon. I'm determined to slog through the next 25 by any means possible, because I know once i hit 230 I really start to look and feel better.
Had this thought a little bit ago... Weight loss done properly is like a good pork shoulder roast. It's done low and slow. Takes time for quality results so don't try to rush it or it won't be good.
I'm craving barbecue right now, and that's what came to me.
Martini - I'm glad my words made sense to someone other than me! Sometimes I get the feeling that my words lose what little sense they made in my head in the transition between my brain and my fingertips.
Jessica - YAY for new tennis shoes! I'm still jealous of your lake for swimming. I used to be such a water baby until I realized the snickers and comments about a beached whale were aimed at me and I threw away all of my swim suits and never looked back. I think I'm at a point where I just don't really care what others might think about my pale, jiggly self in a bathing suit.
I've still got a bit of fog in my head, but I feel like it's dissipating, so that's good. I'm not logging food today, because a friend of ours from the seminary here is getting ordained today. There will be a reception, and hubby will be taking me out to dinner after. No idea where we're gonna go for food. So, I've decided to make today a "day off" in a sense. No logging, just gonna try to make good choices. And if those choices are good for me mentally, instead of physically, so be it. Sometimes you just need cream sauce or cheese cake.
Martini - Thank you for understanding what my evening was like. Interestingly, I often react to emotional pain by not eating. But it's not an effective weight loss strategy, as I then follow that up by bingeing later. =) Not inspiring, I'm afraid, but I'm fighting to throw off this funk and get back to feeding myself with love and appreciation. I also understand totally about feeling marooned in Fatland. But Mandy is right, and you have applied her wisdom perfectly. At most, you ate maintenance calories. It's far more likely that you ate at a less-than-desired deficit. All cause for celebration, especially on a munchy day. Even those days can be wrapped into a long-term commitment without problem. You did great.
Uber - Thanks for the much-needed hug. Fat people not only need food too, but our systems are probably more used to more consistent feeding, so it can be even more painful for us not to get it. And I totally get the "eating in the parking lot" thing. Even when I'm on plan, I still do that. I acknowledge that food has power over me, and I try to respect it and work with it.
Jessica - Congratulations on the new shoes! What a great investment in your health. And way to go on budgeting for them. And your admirer is straight up adorable with the old school video games. Even if he's not a prospect, as long as you're not leading him on with false hope, it's nice to get a little bit of positive energy and admiration.
Rough day today. Dealing with some depression issues. Not gonna bore anyone with details, though. Gonna work through 'em. And gonna try and use exercise as the effective therapy I know it is.
Hi all. I'm back in town after a great 3 day weekend. I didn't record any food, didn't do any workouts since Thursday.... so we'll see what tomorrow's weigh in brings. I'm not worried about it. If I'm up, I'm up. Then, I'll just have to work hard this week to get back to normal. (whatever that is!) Just had a great time with my parents and sister! They are all impressed with my weight loss, but I also think they were glad that I would go ahead and eat normal stuff and not obsessively record it. I did miss keeping track, but there was so much that would have just been guesses on how many calories!
Looks like lots of activity here. Hope everyone has a great end to the weekend.
Uber - What you wrote about that "oh don't worry about me if there's not enough food, I'm fat so I don't need to eat"-moment is something I've definitely experienced, but I never known others did as well. Not being alone in these things is really powerful stuff.
Hang in there with getting out of the 260s!
Mandy - Hope you had a lovely dinner with your husband!
LaurieDawn - Would it be wrong for me to say that crying over the pizza actually had nothing to do with the food itself? The way I read it was that you had planned your day around this time and that you were really looking forward to it. When your husband and the kids had already eaten, when that last slice of pizza was taken, it wasn't the food that hit you but that need to be loved and recognized and acknowledged.
I thought of this when reading your comment to Uber about how food has a hold on you. Well, sure it does. It does on me as well or I wouldn't be backpedaling away from 300lb. But we all also need to feel appreciated and understood and food is one way of conveying that. When I was little I cried when my mother took too big a bite of my sandwich - not because I was hungry but because she didn't seem to respect me or my things or my boundaries. (so weird how vividly I remember that) Maybe that or something like it was the emotional part of your pizza night.
Just throwing that out there. I very well could be way, way off and if I am please do let me know.
Sanshir - Hey!
Diane - Welcome back! Glad to hear you enjoyed your weekend!
I'm coming up against a hard deadline for this project I've been working on for years now and I can't seem to finish. The anxiety is overwhelming, but it's also something I'm so familiar with. I've become comfortable being haunted by this big unfinished thing and feeling less than and like I should walk around apologizing for myself and my existence. In a way it's like being fat. I've incorporated this fat-ness into my being and it's difficult to allow a new way of being and looking at the world to poke through.
It feels good to put all of those fears and worries out there, though. I'm starting my day now and I'm going to spend it working on this project. One of the things I'll keep in mind as I do is that there's a little cheering squad of women losing weight who get where it is I'm coming from.
I too must re-gain my composure, and Iron Strength.
I am a large sized woman, unfortunately don't think I shall ever see myself wearing a size Medium, though mom said she thought I should be in Medium sized clothing, or I was a "Medium?"
Anyhow, I am trying to lose 5 lbs at a time. Most of the day my stomach hurts from, "putting back on my grey chains." In other words, having self discipline and more of a will to succeed, again in losing weight and reaching my 150 lb goal in about 2 yrs, I suppose.....?
I don't really love veggies but I eat them for roughage and more bowel movement. Before, I lacked the discipline to consistently purchase fruit and veggies when grocery shopping.
Though, I have began to experience some anxiety when planning to go shopping. I hope I am not becoming a full blown Agoraphobic head case. I have situation anxiety at times, and usually don't even travel to amusement parks, fairs,or flea markets as I have gotten virally ill from being in the presence of huge crowds of people, and dirt, and dust, and people coughing on each other in too crowded of an environment......
I would have loved to have had a season pass every single friggen summer; however, the 1st time I visited a theme park in September I came down, almost immediately, with bronchitus and could hardly breath. And, I just love the shows and coaster rides, so I miss that a lot....
That type of walking around, and having loads of fun ALL while burning calories and toning up while walking round the theme park I really miss.
I even went on my 1st H.S date to MGA , so that thought makes me a wee bit lonely too, for never going back there again.
I guess if there were some sort of shuttle round here to bring me there and bring me back to say the BART station or store parking lot within a few hours, it would be fun for 1/2 a day at least. But that idea doesn't exist round here so why dream, right???
I have noticed that most places where I frequented as a teen , for fun, have all gone out of business. I miss our old roller rink, and our old bowling alley, and the local candy shop, that had fresh, fruit flavored popcorn.
Now round here it seems like they are too concerned with the kids Not losing focus on spelling bees and Pre-Sat Test score exams. It's not right, for everyone though!! We studied as kids, but we had fun too. We weren't so futuristic, but we still did OK living in The Moment and that's a religion for some simple families. " Go Simple, Go Braugh, Just Go!!!"
Sincerely,
"Tis Herself"
By :1Bluerose68
Last edited by 1Bluerose68; 07-28-2014 at 06:36 PM.
Uber: I bounced up from 224.6 lbs on Friday to 226 lbs yesterday. I was back down to 224.0 lbs this morning. Sometimes a gain is just a random scale fluctuation. Hang in there, you're going to hit the 230's soon enough.
Mandy: I like that analogy. Have fun at the reception.
Laurie: He is a bit adorable. He said he was going to try and find me on facebook again, but I haven't heard anything else from him. That's always my biggest fear, someone feeling like I led them on. I don't think that's an issue right now, but if it becomes necessary for me to spell out that I'm not ready for a relationship, I will.
I hope you're able to shake your depression soon. I hate going through my down days. They're the worst.
sanshir: Welcome to the group!
Diane: I'm so happy you were able to have such a great time with your family. Missing tracking, lol, that sounds like me.
Martini: 1511 calories is nothing to be upset about. And the fact that the 111 calories you were over came from a healthy food like nectarines is a good thing.
Changing the way we look at ourselves or our view of how the world views us can be hard. I can relate to feeling like you always have to apologize for just being you. I hope that as your deadline comes closer, you'll be able to work through your anxiety and complete the project you're working on. Know that we're cheering for you in all aspects of your life, not just your weight-loss. <3
Bluerose: Hello there.
Which brings me to me.
Today... was a mess.
Given the hours I work, I don't usually get home until 2am. In order to keep my sleep patterns from being wonky, I try to stick to similar hours even on the days that I'm off. That means I didn't wake up until about 10-1030 this morning. I finish drinking my morning bottle of water and my brother invites me to go look at the yard sales "in an hour". I didn't mind this and was actually pretty excited by the prospect.
Until he decided that an hour was actually going to be ten minutes. So, without breakfast, I went with them. I figured I'd grab a late lunch. Yeah, didn't work out so well. When we got home, my intention was to eat something, take Luna for her walk and then go meet them at the lake for a swim. My brother was very adamant that I go with them right then. So I grabbed a yogurt and went.
I did get to enjoy an hour of swimming laps and then some time helping my niece practice swimming without a floaty. BUT. It we didn't get home until about 6pm. At which time he asked if I'd watch the girls why he ran to get stuff to make hamburgers with. I didn't want to not eat dinner with the family so I waited. About 7-730pm, food was almost ready, but Luna - having still not had a chance to go on her walk because the girls can't handle 2 miles yet - started pitching a fit. I couldn't blame her and I was starting to worry we wouldn't get a walk at all if I waited. I ended up walking her which meant that I didn't make it home to eat until about 8-830pm.
As physically hungry as I was, a huge part of me, mentally, was like what's the point. I did eat - and I enjoyed it - but I hate feeling like I didn't have a chance to stick, even remotely, to my daily schedule. Additionally, when I started writing about my day, a friend of the family was sitting here and reading what I was writing over my shoulder. That irritated me. I don't like when people read things over my shoulder to begin with. Then he made a comment that I was up for about 30-45 minutes before we left and that I could have eaten then. Sigh. I have a schedule. I get up, I drink a bottle of water with my supplements. I don't chug the bottle, I like to enjoy it. For me, waiting that little extra amount of time lets my body wake up and ensures that I start the day hydrated.
In better news, I saw 224.0 lbs on the scale this morning, though I'm not going to record it yet. (I also saw 222.2 lbs and 223.8 lbs this afternoon after swimming, but given how little I'd eaten, I'm not even going to consider those numbers, lol.) I did notice that, for some reason, I've been feeling like I wasn't making any progress the last few days. But even though I felt stagnant, I was only feeling mildly bummed about it. Maybe it was the rest day making me feel like a lazy sack of bones or how everything I normally make a point of doing for myself got pushed to the very end of the day. Whatever it was, I decided - for curiosities sake - to pull out the tape measure. I figured that it would tell me if the feeling was all in my head or not.
The good news, it is all in my head. As I am so apt to say, the tape doesn't lie.
Hi all! Well, back to normal, with recording food and workouts. I down from last Monday's weigh in, so that's good, but up a little from last Thursday when I hit within .2 of my 50 pounds lost goal weight. That's ok. I was definitely not on plan all weekend, so up by 1.4 isn't the end of the world. I hope to see it go down quickly. I was back at spin class this morning and it was a fairly good workout, but it was the instructor who insists on combining the two very different workouts into one. I just find it so irritating. I feel like she has no plan and we end up just pedaling endlessly with no challenges mixed in. Boring. Oh well.
Garnet: Doesn't sound like you had a great day yesterday. I hate it when it happens like that. So frustrating! We all like our routines.
Martini: Good luck on your deadline! You can do it!
Dianie Welcome back! I really like your strategy of going home, relaxing and having fun, and not even trying to track, and then hopping right back on track. This is something I am determined to learn how to do. That must have been a great feeling to show off the new bod!
Laurie Sorry you were having a down day. Hope today is better.
Jessica It is so hard to be pushed off your own schedule and yet it sounds as if you handled it well. I'm so impressed by how active you are!
Mandy I hope you enjoyed the reception! Glad the fog is lifting. Weight loss is like a pork shoulder roast, LOL
Martini
Quote:
I'm coming up against a hard deadline for this project I've been working on for years now and I can't seem to finish. The anxiety is overwhelming, but it's also something I'm so familiar with. I've become comfortable being haunted by this big unfinished thing and feeling less than and like I should walk around apologizing for myself and my existence. In a way it's like being fat. I've incorporated this fat-ness into my being and it's difficult to allow a new way of being and looking at the world to poke through.
Gosh Martini, I so could have written that post myself! If it makes you feel any better, I too am haunted by a big unfinished thing and I have also been feeling less than and feeling like I should walk around and apologize for myself and my existence. And what a sh@@#$%y way to live! It's almost like I transform my outsides to match how awful and worthless I feel inside. When I look in the mirror and I see fat uber who hasn't bought any new clothes in a year, who desperately needs a trip to the salon, and who is super-overweight, I see an uber-dud, and I think to myself "yup, she sure does look like a failure."I just want you to know that I really do understand what it feels like to have a big, long project hanging over you, combined with the worry about whether you're going to measure up. I feel so sad that you feel this way-- and I understand it entirely.
As for me-- same ol. I'm WAITING PATIENTLY to get below 260!!!!! It has to happen!
-- And your picture made me giggle.
I have faith that I'll find my Col. Brandon one day. It'll happen when it's meant to happen and it might be hard sometimes, but patience is going to be key for not going crazy in the meantime.
I too must re-gain my composure, and Iron Strength.
