[kurisitaru]

I'm so upset. Yesterday I got emotional about studying for a CPA exam. I took a "practice" and did God awful. My exam is this Saturday, I'm not passing. I've been trying to redirect stress to walking or exercise, but it was raining, so I went to an old habit. I opened the fridge. I knew I had 180 calories to spare, so I got a bread roll for 90 calories, and then cookie butter for 90 calories. Figured it's in my budget, and that would have been fine, if I had stopped there.

Of course.... I couldn't stop. I had another, then I had a hot dog, just cold right out of the fridge. I got more upset, so another hot dog with a bun followed. Then I was crying, and ate the jar of cookie butter, just right out of the jar. Then I felt loathing and self hatred and started calling myself "stupid" and felt I "deserved to be fat" and ate some toaster strudels, then some cereal, then some chocolate almonds, then an entire jar of hummus.... there may have been more.

Think I calmed down, that I could just stop? I don't know what possessed me, I've done this before and it's like you lose control. I felt terrible, instead of doing the Shred and just adding the calories in and calling it what it was, trying to accept a set back, the rational thing to do that the damage was done. I went back to an even older more terrible habit. I induced vomiting. And kept telling myself I deserved it. I use to do this all the time... and it's not a good place to be.

I told my fiance when he got home, I know I need help, and this isn't healthy. I honestly didn't feel like I could stop. I'm not sure what took over. I've never been sure what takes over. I wasn't going to tell him at first, but he saw the jar of cookie butter and just gave me a look, like he knew without me saying anything (He knows about my history with a lot of food issues). I just started crying. I use to hide vomiting and would try so hard not to let anyone know. Its shameful.

This morning I went up to 186, 2lb s higher than my current low. Part of me knows that my weight fluctuates a lot, but it's usually within a pound, not 2lbs.

I need to get back on track. I need to get back to Shred and just next time it rains, even if I have "room" in my calories, I need to do something else when I'm emotional. I need to eat when I'm at a level head. I just... feel horrible, I let myself down.

[lotsakids]

kuristaru - start now and don't eat anything for 3 hours. This will help to reset your system and put you back on plan. Set a timer - plan a snack (protein + fat or protein + carb source) and then set the timer again.This won't help you deal with the feelings but it will remind you that it isn't time to eat yet. It becomes habit. Don't worry about the weight, it is likely water from some of those high sodium hot dogs. Don't wait until you can do the shred, it has to start with the next bite. None of us got to overweight because of normal eating or normal feelings about food, we got here because we have a problem and timer eating can give you a boundry while you work out the other stuff.

[MarliQQ]

Kuri, I can imagine how you feel . Such good intentions you started out with...The good thing is that you not only understood where you went wrong, but you have a plan for next time. I think the problem is worse, when you leave a bad situation without creating an actionable plan to avoid the same situation the next time. And if you suspect that you have a possible addiction--I know addiction is a strong word, but I believe that repeated actions that work against "good behaviors", are often addictions, however small they may be--but if it is an addiction, make sure that your plan is truly unshakeable. In my personal life I know that I will plan to avoid a bad behavior, but the plan I put in place is pretty half-assed when looked at with a critical eye--mostly because I truly don't want to rid myself of the behavior. Now I don't know your situation well enough to say anything more, but I do want to say that....
Kuri, NOBODY knows better than you, what will truly rid yourself of anything haunting you. You just have to have the courage to say its name, be honest about what it will take to be free, and then commence to the hardest part--act on it.

I am proud of you Kuri for being able to share your words .

[xRiotGirl]

^I couldn't have said it better myself, Marli and lotsakids said it all and said it very well. Please don't be ashamed either, we are here to be your support precisely in times like these. My advice is just to forgive yourself right now and move onto a better day, nay, hour or minute...like lotsakids said, start right now not tomorrow, and just move on. I think it's only natural for us to revert back to our old (read: bad) behaviors sometimes because it is what we have known for the majority of our lives..but remember that each time you bounce back from it you become a little stronger. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Oh and hey, good luck on your exams! Hang in there ((hugs))

[nonameslob]

Still not in this thread yet (so close!) but kurisitaru I wanted to offer my support The fact that you recognized what was going on and you were honest about it not only with your fiance but on here...that's really positive. Beating yourself up about it solves nothing. I hope you woke up the next day with it all behind you. All is not lost. It takes a long, long time to break habits and create better ones. You can do this!!!

Good luck on Saturday, too. Everything I said in regards to eating can be applied to your exam as well...all is not lost. Today is a new day. YOU CAN DO THIS!

[kurisitaru]

Thanks everyone.

I'm grateful for everyone being supportive. Yesterday I woke up and still felt guilty. I decided to try not logging food yesterday and not focusing on it. I didn't just "eat what I wanted" I just ate small portions, cooked a healthy lunch, snack was cantaloup... and you know what? It was nice. I realized I was making good choices and felt good about it. That snacking on fruit makes me happier then binging on cookie butter and hot dogs. I don't know how many calories I had, as my fiance took me on a date to help me De-stress and to relax. It was a good evening with him, and romantic but kinky. This morning I woke up, and feel better. I'm back to logging food and looking forward to working out.

lotsakids Next time I feel an emotional binge coming on, I will definitely be taking your advice to set a timer and force myself to not eat until it's time. I also plan on not eating when I'm upset, just in case it starts the binge. Thank you for the advice.

MarliQQ It is an addiction. I had a counselor for a long time because I use to be an active bulimic. It's not even an addiction like drugs, not that if feels great, but that it feels "right." Like... you deserve it and it feels like it releases some tension, and after you're done... you feel guilty, but it's not the same pain you felt before. It's not healthy and I haven't forced myself to do it in a long time. I know a plan is needed and I honestly don't want to go back to the way I was when I was that way. (I was so witchy.... and sad all the time. Not a good place).

xRiotGirl Thanks. I hope this is the last one I have to bounce back from.

nonameslob You are so close to our thread! If I do fail my exam tomorrow (which I'm pretty sure I will) I can retake in October. I plan on studying better and more effectively. I have Xanax as well (prescribed) and those help... but I try not to rely on them too heavily.

Thanks again everyone.

[kurisitaru]

Back on track. Lost all but .4 lbs of the gain back. And good on calories. I feel better for sure.

I feel I failed the test today. I studied on the areas that are usually heavily tested, and it was switched up to an area I only brushed on (usually the exam tests 10% in this area, but I swear, most of my questions involved it). You know you did bad when "I dunno... "A"?" is your answer a lot.

I think I'll be retaking in October. Sucks...

[MarliQQ]

Hey Ladies!

So my family reunion is coming up soon and I am sort of dreading answering the weight loss questions, but I am going to suck it up and smile. Family can be so blunt with their statements . I just hope nobody says anything too crazy, because that will make me act crazy and we don't want that . It's a family affair!
Plus I am dreading all the pictures too, you know family reunion pictures are cemented in photo albums. Ugh! I am so insecure

kurisitaru Glad you are feeling better Kuri . See how resilient can be??
And sorry about the exams hun. I believe that you will ace it the next time!!

[xRiotGirl]

Here's a new one: I've lost enough weight to start uncovering my hip and rib and various other bones and I now constantly am jabbing my arms into them on accident. o_O

[MarliQQ]

xRiotGirl I know what you mean about "new bones"! Let me tell you how it now hurts for me to lay on my yoga mat on my side. I have to do a bunch of shifting around to find a spot that doesn't hurt. It feels like my hip bone is digging into the floor. Makes you miss a little of the fat....

[kurisitaru]

My family get togethers can be fun... but I know I'm judged about my weight. I'm getting married next year and all I can think is I want to lose the weight for my wedding, and because my family will be there! XD

I have not had the trouble with new bones, mine are all safely squished away in the fat still. XD

I feel like I'm in an 184-186 limbo. When I look at my total weight loss, I'm losing a lb a week, that's a good thing, but for some reason the limbo is getting annoying.

[scarletmeshell]

Hello Chickies and welcome new posters to our cool 180's thread.
Thank you for the kind words. I am really hurting. Friday it will be one year. I have been eating to much. To be honest, it is almost like punishing myself. I am giving myself til monday to start loving myself enough to get back on track.
Lotsofkids, Donna I love your new picture. I like you advice to set a timer.
I have gained 3lbs but have the new bone problem. I took a bath instead of a shower today and sitting in the tub was uncomfortable.
I will be back on monday if not before and I plan to check in every day.

[Paulitens]

Hi ladies! I'm back!

I was never gone... you know my philosophy. Healthy eating is my life, my wagon, there's nothing outside of it other than occasional premeditated unhealthy choices. I've been making of those choices quite often, one after the other this last week, hehehe! But I'm still on the wagon, I just need to go back to a normal routine with no especial visits that would merit fun feasts. I had a lovely visit with my brother from Argentina; he's very low key so we didn't go out much or anything, we just hung out and it was great. Today we took him to the airport and I swore off bad food. Seriously, he showed up last week when I was celebrating our "home alone-ness" with a deliciously healthy taco salad, no less. And then when he came I was like "we need to eat something fun!" and we did even when he didn't ask for it. Seriously, that guy lives off of air and mate. Eating bad was all my doing and I'm fine with it. I gained a lot of weight, duh, and I'm not feeling crazy about that but I am feeling great about the fact that all along I knew that when he was gone I'd go back to my good ole healthy lifestyle.

Also the tendinitis in my right ankle is almost all cleared so I'll go back to the treadmill. Woot! I'm excited. I missed my healthy lifestyle.

Nice to see you all hanging in there. Lotsakids you look lovely in your new picture!

[scarletmeshell]

I am better today. Last night I wrote I had gained 3lbs. This morning I had lost them. It is a big relief.
We have been going to a local farm once a week and buying produce. I am going to try a few new zuchinni recipes this week. I will let all of you know if they are any good.
Paulitens, so glad you had a nice visit with your brother!

[Paulitens]

Well, I was 180.6 this morning. Yikes. It took me three weeks to bounce back from the low 170s to this. I'm not proud of it but I'm not devastated by it either. I'm quite alright. Part of it I know is the baby and that's why I'm not going bonkers over it but part of it I know is my own negligence these last weeks (especially the last one). It's all good.

Now I'm back to the saddle, I had a healthy breakfast, and now I'm snacking on an orange. And I put away a pack of cookies my husband bought last night and even though I contemplated the possibility of eating one, I did not. It's the little victories that count.



Scarletmeshell -- Please let us know! I always want to try the zucchini spaghetti but I'm afraid to. Hehe! The zucchini chips I tried making in the oven never quite worked out. I need a dehydrator.