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One day at a time...

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Old 02-14-2014, 11:23 PM   #1
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Hey everyone -

So on this wonderful Valentine's Day, I'm enjoying a day off work, alone in my house (well, there is my cat) and I decided to be productive and clean out my storage bins and do some spring cleaning type stuff, throw some things away.

I've felt so good lately losing what I have. So today I bagged up all my "fat" clothes and put them in my car to drop off at a donation center. I was feeling so great! Even being single on such a romantically driven day.

Then, of course... I stumble upon my journals, I don't write much in them anymore but I make updates every couple months. I was excited! I'd forgotten about them so I sat down to reminisce.

MISTAKE!

Of course, being overweight since my sophomore year in highschool and gradually getting worse every few entries, spaced months apart is about my weight. About how dedicated I am to change my life. About how THIS time is the time that really MEANS something.

In 2004, when I first started gaining weight I wrote that I was disgusted at the scale reading 180.

In 2006, when I graduated High School, I wrote that my life was in my hands, I'd fix it this time around, my gains were getting ridiculous! I wrote that, "ridiculous". My journal tells me I weight 229 on that entry date. 49 pounds heavier than two years prior. Ugh.

Flash forward to 2010. I wrote how depressed I was, how on the verge of giving up completely on life, no joke, I was honestly wondering in my loneliness what was the point of sticking around, anyway? I commented in the 2010 journal entry how I had just read the journal over and wished I could of told my 2004 and 2006 selves that it wasn't that bad! To stick to it no matter what! That you will be so much healthier physically and emotionally if you can muster up some courage to fight the fear of failure and to start loving yourself and believing in your own worth. Ugh! I wrote that I NEVER wanted to be reading the journal again, years later, as a heavier person. I remember the 2010 weight loss attempt. I started at 285, I got down to 255 and just... after that it's totally fuzzy. I just stopped, I guess.

Alright, so here I am.. 2014. Weighed in at 296. Eleven pounds heavier than my 2010 self. I started crying. The exact thing I wrote in my journal, my biggest fear, came to pass. I read it, years later, as a heavier person. God, I had forgotten all about writing that!

After throwing a massive pity party for myself and bawling for hours... after being so happy with what I've accomplished so far.. now all I can feel is fear. I don't want to fail again.

I guess I don't even know why I'm writing all this. To vent, to someone who might understand how I'm feeling. I'm the only obese person I know, nobody else understands how trapped I feel in my own mind, my own body. The worst part is I did it to myself.

I can't look at the end game right now, it's too overwhelming. I think what's different this time is.. I just need to take it one day at a time. Make each day like my first day of this lifestyle.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:17 AM   #2
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I'm sorry your journals had you feeling so rotten. Rest assured that a lot of people here definitely understand what you are feeling and have been down the very same path.

I think your "one day at a time" approach is perfect. It is what I have done, when thinking about "lifestyle changes" or "the rest of my life" or "100 pounds" or the like has seemed too daunting. Just do what it takes to stick to your plan today. Or even just with the next bite of food you have.

Best of luck!
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Make the best choice I can make, with every choice. Remember that the temptation in front of me is not the last of its kind that I will ever see; say "I'll pass today." Say "no!" to my whiny inner five-year-old.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:22 AM   #3
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I can't remember how old you are but i suspect you haven't even stopped growing taller yet so of course you will put on weight every year.

Girls don't stop growing till their early 20s i think.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:46 AM   #4
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Throw the journals away! Don't let a negative thing like that remain a stronghold in your life. Don't let it destroy you. Toss them out and start fresh with a new entry about why they are in the trash.

I remember my first weight loss aha moment. My high weight at the was 183 (heavier than I am now after over 40 pounds lost). I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted with myself.

It's hard to look back. I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself in that position again. I lost weight and got to 142 pounds and a size 6. I was happy with my body but not my life. When I got my life back together, I ballooned up again- and gained almost 100 pounds. I promised myself if I EVER saw a 2 as the first number on the scale Id really start buckling down. Well I saw 200 then 210 and 220 and 230. It only depressed me.

Long term quality weight loss is possible and sustainable. And really hard. I read an article about why we regain after such huge losses yesterday- it basically said because eating isn't why we are fat. Something is almost always causing that eating- that's why we are fat. If we don't change the WHY we eat bad, then we can't change the number on the scale without gaining it all back eventually.

That was my problem the first time and I'm trying to fix it.

Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Work on yourself.

This post made me so sad. I could have almost written in a couple of months ago.

Know that you aren't alone.
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Old 02-15-2014, 10:39 AM   #5
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Hugs

I think the journals are the equivalent to a photo. A snapshot in time. They only show a one dimensional representation of what is happening in that exact moment. I wouldn't get rid of them, but I would bury them until I was in a place to emotionally process them without guilt or shame.
I have "fat" photos that I am not ready to look at, but I also have "before" pictures (of me being fat) that I can proudly look at and know I am a different person than I was at THAT moment in time.

You'll get there, hugs
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