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My Biggest Fear...and now I am facing it!

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Old 07-04-2003, 01:08 AM   #1
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Unhappy My Biggest Fear...and now I am facing it!

As some of you know, I battled Anorexia in the past for many years. In high school I was 98 pounds thin and thought I was horribly fat. A size 3 hung on me and I put a couple bites in my mouth a day. I have always had those tendancies arise whenever I would start dieting, so that, among other things, kept me afraid to lose weight.

I have to face it and I have to admit it, I am facing it again. I did not eat for 4 days straight. It is not like I say..."i'm not going to eat because I am going to get fat" and then refuse to eat and just starve instead...NO, it's not like that at all! It is all an emotional, phycological, and physical illness. My body simply is rejecting food. I try to eat and I get sick. I can barely get it down my throat. Since Friday (last Friday) to tonight (Thursday night) I have lost a total of 9 pounds. I KNOW it is all muscle and LBM that I am loosing, but it's not like this choice I am making on purpose...but I have to face reality and the reality is that I am battleing it AGAIN!

I have turned into an exercise nut. I am pushing myself as hard as I can and am doing it without any fuel. You ask, "If I SEE it, why can't I do something to change it"...well, if you ever faced ANY kind of an eating disorder, you know why...you just can't control nor explain it...it's just there and it just takes control!

I don't know what my options are...I don't know what to do! I certainly am not going to stop dieting..NO WAY! I will not stop exercising...so what is there to do...what do I do?
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Old 07-04-2003, 01:55 AM   #2
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oh michelle. i have no answers. i have a very dear friend who has battled anorexia her entire life, and now has serious digestive problems. she's still struggling.

it's important to get some professional help. i think there might be some medications that can help now, but i'm really not sure. but i'm sure you realize that, being overweight, some docs won't believe that you are anorexic.

please get some help... obviously, you've won some major battles with this, but the war goes on.
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Old 07-04-2003, 05:54 AM   #3
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Nip this in the bud, before it becomes a bouquet. Please get some help, hon. We are here for you.
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Old 07-04-2003, 11:50 AM   #4
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Michelle,

Please take care of yourself. This is not something that anyone could do on their own. The people here (@3FC) certainly understand seeing a problem, understanding the problem, and feeling unable to fix the problem. Please know that everybody here can understand and empathize. How did you overcome your last battle with anorexia? Are there some support systems there that you could explore? Please do whatever you need to do to be healthy. Let us know how you are doing, or if we can offer any additional support at all!

Take care of yourself.

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Old 07-04-2003, 02:47 PM   #5
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Oh Michelle, this sucks so much sucks! Don't know if you read a few posts back, but I had my own anorexic behavior bout about a week ago...scary...and I know how you feel. My husband gave me three jelly beans and I spit them into the toilet. I had the perfect excuse to not eat dinner one night (there were only three chicken breasts in the package instead of four) and I started to shake when he offered me half of his.

The difference here is that (a) with the exception of one day, I was eating, even if it was barely enough to sustain a flea and (b) I have people at home who will notice (eventually) if I'm not eating.

All I can tell you is what I have done: I got on the American Dietetic Association website (www.eatright.org) and found an RD in my area who specializes in eating disorders. I emailed her and asked her for references to therapists who are experienced in eating disorders. She emailed me back to let me know she was out of town until Sunday, but would get me the info as soon as she got back.

I know you want the help, otherwise you wouldn't have even posted anything here. This isn't something you can beat on your own, like Kris said. You really need to find help. Think of that sweet little boy....he needs you.
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Old 07-04-2003, 03:54 PM   #6
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Michelle,

I've never been through what you're going through, but just wanted to let you know I"m here to listen. Please get professional help, that is what it is there for. Please keep coming here, and try to take care of yourself.

hugs,
Sherry
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Old 07-04-2003, 04:36 PM   #7
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Here is a URL to an eating disorder referral website where you can find treatment centers in your community.

http://www.edreferral.com/

Hope it helps!
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Old 07-04-2003, 09:55 PM   #8
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(((HUGS))) It's so hard when we are out of control and feel like we can't srop it. Eating too much or too little. Same difference. We are hurting ourselves.

Ok, You've been here before. I think this has already been asked, but what have you done before to curb this behavior. I think some professional help might be necessary to get you past this. But you are being honest with yourself and you came to us. That's one HUGE first step. What will be your second step?
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Old 07-05-2003, 02:47 AM   #9
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Michelle,

I have a dear friend who suffered from that horrible disease, and her life was miserable, until she got help, and got to a normal size, but even bone thin, she was still seeing someone fat in the mirror. You really need to get help if this is what is happening again. I know that a couple of weeks ago I felt guilty for overeating, and so I purposly went into the bathroon and tried to throw up, so I would not have to feel guilty about the calories, but I just could not do it, thank goodness, because I betcha if it had come easily, I might have done that again, which is really scary. When we diet we want the end result so quickly, and some peopel go to the extreme, and dont want to eat a balanced diet, and starve themselves in the process, just know that we all are here for you to lean on, I just hope that while you KNOW that you are going into this pattern again, that you will get the proper help you need. (((hugs)))

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Old 07-05-2003, 12:49 PM   #10
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Default Cheering for you

Anorexia, bulemia, overeating -- all of these issues are related to not being able to think of food as healthy nourishment, but some kind of demon or thing we can't control. Something that's helped me somewhat during my weaker moments is a book by Julie Morgenstern called "Organizing from the Inside Out." It's not about food, so I actually take heed to her advice, which relates well to obsessive/compulsive, addictive or just controlling-type behaviors.

Please take care of yourself; know that there are many of us wishing you well and hoping you succeed and win the battle.

(((HUGS)))

My signature's out of date, but I just wanted you to know I'm behind you!

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Old 07-05-2003, 01:22 PM   #11
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Oh hun, I feel for you. I'm sending only good thoughts your way and will continue to. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. I agree and think you should seek help of some kind.

Again, I'll be thinking of you and wishing the best.

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