Are you fat in your mind? Dealing with inner demons and more
I'm not sure why, but today I am dealing with a lot of inner demons. This will most likely become a rambling post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.. just support I guess.
Everything that keeps running through my mind today keeps coming back to me thinking about the difference in how I picture myself when I'm out and about in the world and how I really look. When I'm out and doing things, I usually don't think about me being fat as I do things and interact with others. I never really have... until after I talk to someone, then I often walk away thinking "I bet they thought I was some crazy, super fat, couch sitting, potato chip devouring, slob." and I regret talking to them. I then will scold myself for a while as I go about my business.
I never saw myself as skinny, at least not since I was about 13 and puberty hit, but in high school I always ranged close to the "normal weight" range (I was almost always 147, 140 is the top of normal for my height), even there though I wore about a size 10/12 I think.
Now, I don't see myself as being as fat as I am... I definitely don't see me as skinny, but maybe more of a "normal" weight. What does this mean you might wonder... I think I wonder too..lol.
If I see me in a mirror that shows more of my face, I never stand back and look at all of me. I look at parts.. sometimes I see everything from my shoulders down, sometimes I see just my face, sometimes I just look at how big my butt has gotten or my stomach or whatever. But it's never a whole, it's never "me". No matter what, my face... the part of me that is me... is never part of the body. This body doesn't belong to me. I don't own it and I don't want to own it.
This not owning thing brings me to something that happened yesterday at the fair. We were looking at one of the many vinyl sticker stands and hubby pointed at one of the ones that have become kind of popular... it's similar to that naked lady that all truckers used to have on their mud flaps.. but the girl is heavier and it says "Thick". (he was looking for a sticker for the back of his e-reader). He said maybe I should get that one. I know he was teasing because I have always hated that naked trucker lady, but my mind went a million different directions. First I thought "Someday I won't be "thick".", then I went to the thought of "that's not fat... I'm fat, that sticker is "normal", so what is he trying to say here?" and then I wondered away because I really felt like I could cry even though I was trying hard to play it off because my brain started getting "darker" in it's thoughts.
There is more going on in my head, but it's more personal and though I had it all typed out here, I'm not ready to share it and this is long enough at this point anyway. If you have read all of this... thank you, I'm pretty sure it's somewhat choppy and random and I apologize. I just needed to get some of this out somewhere and I'm sure my hubby would be the good hubby and put a bandaid on me and send me on my way (you know the whole "I love you for you and you aren't that fat anyway" speech), so thank you again for "listening".
Determined to find "Fawn", the skinny chick within me!
I know exactly how you feel. My mental picture of myself is a chubby girl who has perhaps 40 pounds to lose. Not the 100-pound overweight behemoth that faces me in the mirror every day. Every single day, seeing myself in the mirror is a little shock. Sometimes it surprises me so badly that I cry. Shopping for clothes, which I used to LOVE, is now a tearful and traumatic experience for me. So I buy basics from the same brands over and over so I don't have to try them on, and I shop for accessories.
I don't really know what I can tell you right now; there's nothing a stranger can say over the Internet to make it "better", and I doubt that platitudes are what you're wanting right now. So I just want you to know that you're not the only one who feels this way. And it's OK to feel this way. It's OK to rebel against what the mirror is telling us, and not want to accept that that is our destiny. It's OK as long as we're working to make sure that someday the mirror matches the mind.
Mini goals keep me sane...But I never forget the bigger picture!
what you women both feel is i think more common than you think,for me when i was 210 i thought i looked about 300 pounds and it made me really depressed and i had trouble leaving the house becuase i couldnt face people looking at me *longest i never left my house was 2 months, and id go weeks without walking outside* and since then ive put on another 30 pounds but i got my head sorted *year of pychotherpay* out so what i see in the mirror doesnt bring me hate anymore or makes me want to kill myself, i still dont like what i see but thats becuase im over weight and not some inhuman thing so im rambling lol basically what i mean to say is that our perception changes and when realithy or our veiw takes a drastic turn it can leave you feeling upset and hurt and depressed becuase things hit you so hard, so my advice is to stop focusing on little things * becuase it will eat you up and youll become obessed by them* look at yourself as a hole and focus on making yourself better, oh and take some pics now and when you lose weight take some pics again and let that remind you how far youve come, stay postive!! its super hard when your depressed but make sure you stop pushing people away and make sure to at least do something good once a day, even if its small like walking for an hour becuase that will help keep you sane!!! hope this wasnt completly useless and it makes sense lol
I can definitely relate. I never thought I looked all that fat in the mirror ... overweight yes, but never obese, never unfeminine. Then someone would take my picture and I couldn't bear to look at it, because I always looked so much worse then my brain tells me I do.
Weight loss has helped a lot though, I'm much more confident now. I remember when the idea of being 200 pounds would have disgusted me, but having been on the other side I'm so thankful to be where I'm at.
And I realize that makes me sound shallow; I should be happy to be me in my own skin no matter what I weigh. But a lot of my weight gain came after periods of great pain, and it just felt like the weight broadcasts to the world, "This woman is diseased, mentally and physically. Run away lest you become infected." And yet, when I spend time with my friends who are overweight, I have never thought of their weight as proof of some hidden shame, it's just the way they are.
I talk to people, and they don't know that I've lost weight. No one has noticed yet except my husband and me. But talking to people when I felt like an out of control blobby mountain is so much different now that I'm an in control blobby mountain. I don't feel shame or like they are disgusted by me ... I realize that that was all in my head.
Even before I started losing weight though, my self esteem started to come back. I signed up for a weight loss class and just by making that commitment, I felt better. The pleasure of seeing healthy food on my plate. Being able to exercise again. The way my clothes fit. And yes, the blasted numbers on the scale.
So I can totally relate to dark thoughts. And I know that as unpleasant as they are, we have to accept them and give them voice time to time to keep from getting overwhelming.
I hope it helped to get that off of your chest. The situation with the stickers would have hurt me too, it hurt me to read about it, even though I know your husband thought he was being cute and loving.
in fact last week at work my perception of myself felt ALL screwed up! i'm weight training and seeing a change in my body getting smaller/more compact...yet the weight on the scale has crept up...logically I KNOW this is water weight, sore muscles, etc but it has messed with my head something fierce!
last week i'd see myself in the full length work bathroom mirror and think "wow i'm really looking heavier, the scale must be right after all"...and then i'd pass my reflection in the window and think "why, I DO look smaller after all!" and later i'd think "you know, this coat seems tighter than it used to, I must be gaining after all"....and i'd go back and forth All Day Long!
i'm still not sure what to think....in my head, i'm always going to be fat...just different degrees of fatness, if that makes sense....
Tefrey, your post is something I could have written, word for word. It was just yesterday that I saw photos of myself, taken last weekend, that really shocked me. I have lost about the same amount as you and, like you, it's just me and the boyfriend that have noticed. But those photos really jolted me. I still look big. Very big. And of course I do, I weigh almost 200 pounds... But I still look a LOT bigger than I thought I was, than the person I see staring back at me in the mirror. Here I was walking around thinking I was looking, well, alright. I know my confidence has increased dramatically since I started losing the weight and working out. And I am happier in myself. But, sheesh, those photos shook me and my confidence. After picking myself and my emotions up off the floor, I am starting to see those photos as proof that I can't drop the ball on this one. That although I have lost some weight, there is a lot lot more to go, even though It was obvious from the scales. In a way, it is a good thing, as I have put a stop to the little cheats of food and slack days that were starting to creep in, that I was telling myself were ok, because I was doing so well. Our minds really do play such a huge role in all of this. Writing this out has made me think that regular photos of myself, as much as I hate looking at them, might be the trick to keep myself on track and realistic about where I am and what I need to do. Does anyone else take regular photos to remind themselves not to take the foot off the gas?
I did take pics the beginning of Sept. and plan on taking them the beginning of each month (first Wednesday of the month), I took them clothed and pretty much unclothed from every angle... but I did not print them, just put them in a folder hidden on my computer.
I'm feeling a bit better today, still have crazy thoughts running through my mind, but I'll be ok. It's not even like a depressed feeling, it's more of a questioning myself on everything. I'm thinking part of yesterday was PMSing... this morning TOM made a sneak attack.. it wasn't expected until later in the week.. like FRIDAY! UGH.
Determined to find "Fawn", the skinny chick within me!
The mind is such an all-powerful machine, driving us, messing with us, comforting us and driving us crazy!!!
When I was about 180 in my early 20s I thought I was enormous
Yet when I weighed 323 I thought "oh it's not that bad" and "i'm not that fat, everyone has some junk going on" WOW
I remember vividly being at dinner with a couple, lifelong friends, and they were talking about going hot air ballooning and making sure they were under the limit...The conversation was husband to wife: "Let's see, I'm 190 and you're about 130 right?" and it occurred to me I weighed a bit more than the 2 of them combined. TWO humans. TWO full adult, functioning human beings. It kind of dawned on me...uh oh I guess I AM too heavy after all.
But at 160ish I feel very light and feathery LOL like I'm 105 or something ha ha Maybe it's all relative! I know I'm not a skinny girl by any means but I feel light and accomplished
Now: 171 - nope, 165 now!
NOPE -- 162 now! Holy crap i've lost a PERSON!
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar
Ok, I always sound like a broken record, but I truly believe this. My highest weight was 390, I am at 326 right now and have a long ways to go, but one thing that I have always truly believed. If at nearly 400 lbs I couldn't see myself as beautiful, I won't see myself as beautiful at 160, which is my goal. I read your posts and even the young woman who has lost a whole person Trazey, made a comment about not being skinny. Should that actually be a goal, being skinny? NOPE! Be honest, but see the beauty you have even in a body you aren't satisfied with. Quit making comparisons with people you consider perfect or beautiful. Losing weight should be for health first, no matter your age, but it should allow you to feel better about yourself too. Just don't let it get tangled up with what society sees as beauty. Don't forget, the celebrities don't look anything without makeup, fancy clothing and such stripped down. They are people just like us who put their panties on the same way we do they just have more money and are in the limelight more. Love yourself for who you are now, and when you are at goal you will shine even more!!!!
I weighed close to 400 pounds at one time. I spent most of my life well over 200 pounds. I still see myself as a large person. The big issue I have is with pictures. I cannot relate to any of them. When I got close to my goal weight, a couple of years ago, I bought a new camera. I had DH take some pictures of me. I looked at them in the viewer and became very upset. I looked like a freak. Not just not pretty or ugly, but I actually thought I looked like a freak of nature. I don't feel I look like that when I look in the mirror. I immediately called my Mom and best friend. Those were interesting conversations. It started off like this: I know you love me and wouldn't lie to me, but do I look like a freak? Please be honest. So anyways, I absolutely hate 99% of my pictures and have just come to the conclusion that I am not photogenic. On occasion, a picture will come out decent. This whole picture thing came about since the weight loss. I have never taken many pictures in the first place. But the whole thing is just weird and I try to ignore it in order to keep my sanity.
My ticker reflects my original high weight
4/22/15 My current goal is to get into the 160's. First weigh in after setting goal: 176.8
12/7/15 I finally got back into the 150's!
01/1/16 Vacation hit and now it's my goal to get back into the 150's.
I started my most recent weight loss journey January 2008.
I lost 1/2 of my starting body weight and entered into maintenance May 2011.
Now the real work begins!
You can fight it, or do what you've got to do to get it done. The choice is yours. ~Diana
Last edited by Diana3271 : 09-30-2013 at 02:18 PM.
I forget that I'm fat...until I try going up and down the stairs a couple of times...or I'm trying to find cloths that fit...or a cashier refuses to make eye contact...or I can't reach that thing I dropped on the floor because of my stomach....or I see myself in a picture. I often wonder if that's the reason why I've always had such a hard time getting the weight off. Because I usually feel like I'm "normal." But, I'm starting to feel less and less normal these days.
__________________ - Rhonda
"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau
I feel the same. I've spent most of my life over 200lbs. I never saw myself as obese. Overweight yes but never the size I was...155 lbs later I also don't see myself as small. I have to really look at myself and even then I see the flabby loose skin that I did. Its def an in the mind kinda thing. I'm taking pictures and trying to actually see myself.
Before and current pic in my profile.